*bows* Happy Boxing Day, all!
... Aw, who am I kidding. It's just not the same. Snif.
Um, if you find any errors in this chapter at all, please tell me because I have been forced to copy and paste the entire thing! For some reason the Browse feature isn't working, it keeps telling me I've uploaded a blank chapter! And when I take things from the Clipboard, it messes the entire structure of the chapter up and I have to redo it... Urgh!
Chapter Eighteen: An Abrupt Departure, With ChuChus
CONTINUED FROM "THEY DON'T LIKE GANNON"...
The three finally emerged into sunlight half an hour later, after a blissfully uneventful journey up towards the light. Shadow stretched down to touch his toes, grinning as his skin began to feel warm again. Vaati looked deadpan, and Vio whooped for joy.
Their celebrations were short- lived, however, as the ominous sight of Ganondorf striding purposefully across the sands made them group together and back off slightly. The King Of Evil's large girth cut an imposing figure in the setting sun, like a massive cardboard cutout. That moved, of course. And wasn't actually a cardboard cutout, but a human. Well, Hylian. Gerudo! If you really squinted, he even looked like a dropped metaphor.
What he said next took everyone by surprise.
"Shadow, you can't go out in sunlight. Hadn't you better go in the shade? I'm concerned!"
"Naaaah. Don't worry, Master! I'm fine to go out in the sun whenever I like, thanks to Tesco's Own- Brand Super Sun Cream! Factor 1000 and only £4.99!" Shadow announced, procuring a bottle and holding it up triumphantly
"Well, hot damn! You can't get a better deal than that, folks!" Ganon faux- gasped.
Vaati gritted his teeth. "Product placement?! Guys, I know we're Kuroi, but that is the LOWEST OF THE LOW!"
"Hey, we got paid." Shadow replied, flicking through a fat wad of notes.
"It's pound notes. The currency here is-"
"Rupees, yeah. But the exchange rate's good, so we might as well use it!"
"Let's just go for a coffee." Vio whispered to Vaati, seeing a mutinous look cross the mage's face.
After subduing Vaati with a double cappuccino, Vio returned back to the fortress. He had had a long chat with Shadow's master over the various cups of caffeiny goodness they had downed, and had found that Vaati, too, had joined the Kuroi after a face heel turn. He didn't feel like such a fraud now.
Plans were made to return to the HQ at daybreak, everybody deciding that they had had enough sitting on their backsides. The three Kuroi (Shaddy, Vaats, and Ganny) had each had the spirit of adventure instilled in them, and couldn't wait for their next military expedition. They stayed up late that night debating what war they could start just so they could be sent to sort it out again.
Ganon had to admit that although he hated Link's guts, he felt a deep envy for him when he thought of all the great quests he and his descendants had gone on over the years. Whereas Link had gained fame and adulation for his, however, whenever Ganon had ventured out he had been pelted with various things from strangers on the street. He had become somewhat of a recluse after realising how much of a public enemy he had become. He regretted that decision now, and vowed to venture out more on wilder and wilder missions. Without his two annoying minions tagging along, hopefully.
Shadow had enjoyed the quest too. He had always been pretty hyperactive, and staying cooped up in the Fire Temple looking after a bunch of Hinoxes hadn't been the most fun. After all, he was still a child- and children were supposed to be out in the sunshine and rain, searching the world with the innocent curiosity that defined that time of one's life. Life as a Kuroi was kinda boring in that sense... the dark side always operated from the shadows, never truly stepping out into the sunlight to reveal themselves to the enemy. Whereas the Shiroi- well, did it even need to be explained? Link was Shiroi, and look at the adventures he went on! Adventures across land and sea, even the sky. He had travelled to the past and future, changed the seasons and been able to taste the snowflakes in his mouth instead of kneeling at a window looking out at them, as Shadow had done so many times.
"Are you crying yet?" the author asked.
"Naaaah." the readers replied.
"Oh."
Vaati hadn't really enjoyed his time in the great outdoors. He was a worrier by nature- was Shadow going to be alright in the sunlight? What was Ganondorf going to do next? Where was freaking Ghirahim? Still, stress was his nature. If he wasn't worried about anything, he'd be worried that he wasn't worrying.
And this worried him.
Still, he thought to himself, it was a nice break from the dreary routine of paperwork. And who didn't like being outside in Hyrule in this most glorious of weather? It would be something to remember when he was sealed in the Four Sword again.
The various thoughts of the trio slowly flickered out as they settled down to sleep.
They woke up early in the morning, even though they had no reason to. They were returning to the Kuroi HQ today on Epona, and were trying to figure out how to fit three people on a horse. It was hard enough when there was just Vaati and Shadow carrying Ganondorf (whose face had turned into a bum, ha ha)- now that all four of them were expected to be awake and conscious throughout the entire journey, the return was set to be a logistical nightmare.
"A logi- what?" Shadow asked Vaati as the mage repeated these words in a wail. "Gee, Master, speak properly!"
Vaati shot him a glare. "Have you packed everything?"
"Ya bet!" Shadow had stuffed Vio in a suitcase. "How much room is there in the boot?"
"Shadow, we're taking a horse!"
"WHAAAAAAAAT?! Nobody told me!"
Ganondorf walked in the room at that moment, flanked by a bevy of beautiful guards fanning him.
"Well, how are we getting back?" he asked.
"Horse." Shadow replied sullenly. To his surprise, Ganondorf seemed quite cheerful about this.
Turning to his servants, he instructed them in a brisk, foreign tongue to leave the room and, by the various hand gestures he was making, fetch something. Everybody silently dreaded what he had come up with this time.
Since they had lost the travel bags long ago (Shadow reckoned Talon had nicked them), the team of Kuroi (including Vio) were travelling pretty light. Of course, there was still the problem of the Mirror, but this was soon rectified when Vaati summoned Midna from the Twilight Realm and got her to transport it back to the HQ safely. Midna had been Shiroi originally, but like Vio she had soon seen the benefits of the dark side and had lapsed from her virtuous ways. She was hoping that if she turned Kuroi, her overenthusiastic fandom would become scared of her and STOP. FREAKING. BOTHERING HER!
Vio used a Horse Call he had been given to summon Epona, who mercifully turned up on the right side of the bridge this time. Vaati still had to be held in an armlock by Shadow, though, as nobody could take another mental breakdown until at least next August. Luckily for all concerned, the mage seemed perfectly fine with the horse, and wrestled his way out of Shadow's grasp to stroke its mane affectionately.
Vio mounted it first, as being a Link he was naturally accustomed to horse- riding.
"Even though there are no horses in Four Swords?" Shadow asked. Vio glared at him.
Vaati clambered on next, clinging onto Vio's tunic to try and get on properly. Shadow, in his turn, clung onto Vaati's tunic as leverage as well.
Now, in a story like this, one would expect the whole lot to come crashing down, maybe with some compound fractures as well- as is befitting the author's bloodthirsty tastes. But alas, Mother Fate smiled kindly upon the evil ones that day, and both Vaati and Shadow were able to get up without much happening in the way of clumsy incidents.
Vio stroked the horse's head lovingly. "So, where's Ganondorf?" he asked.
As if in answer, the King Of Evil's voice rang out among the fortress.
"SLAVES! Help me with my carriage!"
"Carriage?!" Shadow exclaimed. Vaati's heart sank as he saw an ornate carrier appear through the desert haze. It was solid gold, decorated with various ancient Hylian designs and supported on the shoulders of a dozen Gerudo women, all evidently straining. A throne was placed in the middle of it, upon which Ganondorf sat his large rear with a sigh of contentment.
"Holy howlin' [CENSORED]!" Shadow gasped. Vio blanched at the language, as he had so often done when he had spent more than a minute in Shadow's company before.
Vaati dismounted the horse without thinking, and ran over to his master. "Master Ganondorf, what on earth are you doing?! Surely you can't expect Epona to pull all that...!"
"Well, she'll have to, won't she?" Ganondorf smirked, looking down his nose at Vaati from his perch. He leaned back contentedly and snapped his fingers.
A goblet full of deep purple liquid appeared in his hand, and he washed it down in one gulp. Seeing Vaati's confused expression, he tilted the cup towards him slightly.
Vaati stood on his tiptoes and cautiously leaned over the liquid. It had a deep, pungent smell and when he stirred it around with his finger a little, it was thick and viscous. "What's that, Master?"
"Chu jelly. I have my own little army of them in the back." Ganon replied, indicating behind him. A box sat just behind his throne, and as Vaati watched several strips of ChuChu slithered out through the cracks between the top and the main body. There was a Gerudo sitting cross- legged next to it whose only job seemed to be to push them back into it again.
Vaati raised an impressed eyebrow. "Good thinking, Master. If you repopulate Hyrule with ChuChus, the kingdom will be in our hands in hours! They'd ingest everything!"
"Precisely." Ganon announced proudly. "I'm so clever, since I thought of it." (Even though, naturally, he hadn't. He had actually been taking them back to scare all the Shiroi into running away. If you put a ChuChu on a plate and wiggled it about, the result was apparently terrifying).
Vaati's eyes narrowed. "You still can't travel in that." he sighed, gesturing towards the carriage. "Get out and ride on the horse like the rest of us."
_
Needless to say, the self- serving Ganondorf was less than enamoured with this idea, and had to be physically wrestled to the floor by Vaati. The larger man should have really overpowered the mage through brute force, because although Ganon was becoming somewhat overweight, he still possessed an inordinate amount of strength that would still have proved handy in a fight. However, his laziness had got the better of him, and as his servants stood and watched in half- horror, half- amusement, Vaati hoisted their master over his shoulder and carried him over to the eternally patient horse.
He dumped Ganon in Shadow's arms and retrieved the box full of ChuChus from the carriage. Carrying it carefully over, he levitated up and perched just above Epona's bum. He leaned over Shadow's shoulder (Ganon was sitting in front of Shadow, with Vio at the reins) and called over to the purple Link.
"Are we ready?"
"If you are, then yes." Vio replied curtly, and gave Epona a sharp kick with his heels.
Halfway through the journey back, Ganondorf insisted that he take the reins instead. He had been complaining every minute about how slowly they were going, and nobody was rude (or stupid) enough to suggest that his extra weight on Epona probably didn't help. Vio let him ride without much complaint, although he soon regretted the decision when the terrified horse bolted across the whole of Hyrule Field. Ganondorf was not a gentle rider.
Along the way, they were ambushed by Risky, who had decided that she was sick of being a Gerudo and would rather chase her animus across time and space instead. With Vio's added brainpower on their side, however, the team of Kuroi were able to outwit her and her troops (who had not joined by choice, incidentally, but had instead been threatened with a whole week of listening to Peter Kay's version of "Amarillo" on repeat. Those who refused to join did not survive the ordeal). Vio couldn't help but feel refreshed that he wasn't the only person on the horse with an IQ over 70, though- he quickly recognised Vaati's genius, and the two became rather firm friends over the journey. Vio still loved Shadow, but hey, it was nice to meet someone to discuss scientific ideas with- rather than Shadow's "D'ya reckon they're ever gonna remake Leisure Suit Larry?"
They stopped over for the night in Castle Town, in the Bombchu bowling alley. They could see from the crater in the earth just across the street that the inn had still not been rebuilt. Shadow and Ganondorf decided not to say anything about it.
Vio was shocked, though, as he and the other three Links had spent many a merry evening there. He looked out of the window at it in misery. Shadow made him promise not to say a word about it though, lest they remind Vaati of exactly WHY that bar had come to be destroyed.
They slept in a rather tense silence.
Meanwhile, Dark Link decided it was now or never. Holding up the emetic tablets, he closed his eyes and dropped them into the stomach acid, trying not to listen to the rather disgusting fizz they made.
He had to admit, they were fast- working. Whether it was because the author wanted to move things along or not, he heard the telltale moaning from the rabbit seconds afterwards.
"Dark, sweetheart... I don't feel so good..."
"Just have a glass of water and a lie down." Dark offered helplessly.
"But Daaaarkkk... Would you mind giving the contents down there a bit of a swirl?"
"I don't think that would he-"
If anyone has seen a rabbit vomit, it is not a pretty sight. However, it is rather restrained compared to the spectacular ejections humans can achieve. Unfortunately for Dark, this is a comedy and thus everything is completely overexaggerated. Instead of discreetly going behind a bush and thinking no more of it, the rabbit took it upon herself to projectile vomit violently several metres.
The Link flew through the air along with several tonnes of kibble and half- digested food, trying not to think about what he had just done. As he hit the floor and bounced, he cursed his shadowed counterpart for giving him the most dramatic and disgusting means to escape possible.
Skidding across the grass, he didn't wait until he stopped travelling to scramble to his feet and sprint off into the sunset. He would later be seen getting some new clothes in order to disguise himself as a distinguished English gentleman, as notorious evil villains weren't always welcome in Hyrule. He would attempt to teleport to Kent but fail miserably in the process and end up in South Wales instead.
"I say..." the author muttered, craning her neck over the unconscious Dark. "Why didn't you land on my modem instead so I would have an excuse to get a new one?"
"...Modem?" Dark whimpered. "What's that? Where am I?"
"You're in SOUTH WALES, you fool!" the author shrieked, picking him up and shaking him. "Look, it says in the paragraph above!" She pointed at her computer screen. Dark couldn't resist scanning the various chapters.
"Wow..." he muttered. "THAT happens next chapter? And... Does this story even HAVE a plot?"
"It has enough of one." came the sullen reply. "Now, I want you to close your eyes and not scream as I pack you into this box."
"Sure, oka- WAIT, WHAT?! NOOOOO! STOPPIT NOW! I'M A VILLAIN! I DON'T DESERVE THIS INDIGNITYYYYYYYYYYY!"
"Perhaps we'll get you to Kent in time for February. Oh God... the postage rates..."
Now, without further ado, we must return to the main story before this chapter loses the plot completely.
After sleeping in the bowling lanes all night (having been awoken very rudely by bowling balls clonking into their heads as early birds flocked in to play. Ganondorf insisted he had nothing to do with it), Shadow, Vaati, and Ganon resumed their journey back in a tired silence. Shadow fell asleep on the way and fell off the horse, right into the hole where the cow was still looking at itself in the water, eternally puzzled. None of the Kuroi noticed until three-quarters of an hour later, and Vio was made to ride back and get him while Vaati and Ganondorf argued over the last drop of Chu Goo in the flask they had taken.
Halfway back, they happened to run into Onox, who was making his merry way across the Kokiri Forest. He seemed cheerful, whistling loudly and patting all the Deku Scrubs. Ganon pulled at the reins to stop the horse and squinted.
"Onox, what are you carrying?" he called into the distance.
The boss of Oracle Of Seasons skipped into view, a big grin showing from under his thick gold visor. He proudly whipped an unconscious Din from off his shoulder and held her up proudly. She flopped like a badly made rag doll.
"Jeez Louise, Onox, you got her!" Ganon yelled with delight. "Whoa, how'd you do that?"
"Easy. I posed as Link on a dating site. Seems she really has a thing for him." Onox replied.
Vaati looked slightly nauseous. "But he's only a kid in Ages!"
"Yay, Din's a paedo." Onox sang as he went on his merry way. His voice trailed off into the distance. "Din's a paedo, Din's a paedo, hello pretty Deku Scrub, Din's a paedo..."
Shadow looked back over his shoulder at his disappearing image. "He was doing ballet in that armour last time I saw him."
"Is everyone in the Kuroi a nutcase, then? I sense a pattern emerging..." pondered Vio. Nobody answered his question.
They eventually reached a suitable teleportation area at about midday. Usually magicians as proficient as the Kuroi would be able to teleport where and when the need took them, but in the circumstances (pretty large group, one non- magical member that would receive severe chromosomal damage during group teleportation, and a large amount of average Joes milling about Hyrule that would quickly realise something was up if the three just disappeared in front of their eyes) they decided to find a quieter spot where they could teleport one by one.
Shadow held onto Vio's arm, imbuing him with a little magic so he would be better off at the end of the journey. Clutching hands (with the box of ChuChus tucked under Vaati's arm), they thought of a random teleportation spell and were immediately whisked away in a flurry of magic and sparkles.
There was no trace left of them, save for one very confused horse.
-
Guess what!
No, guess again.
Nope.
Naaaaaah.
Almost there!
Okay, I'm probably annoying you now.
Two things: Next chapter is the LAST CHAPTER! And I'll probably be setting up a dA account today or tomorrow! If you're interested, PM me so I can tell you when it's up/my username and such. Don't all rush at once!
MENTIONS!
Swamp Dragon Princess: Why, thank you! I do a lot of self- inserts, mainly to insult my characters. Don't ever worry about being shameless compared to me.
Unfortunately Dark couldn't get there for Christmas (or maybe he did? Hyrule's space- time continuum IS constantly being disrupted, as we've discussed), but even if he didn't he'll be there for your birthday. Unless something goes terribly wrong... Shame this story finishes before then so I can't put him in more unfortunate situations! I'm so cruel!
SpiritofSilverWater: Ah, you nag any time you want ;) A week seems like nothing to me!
Yes, I wonder how Shadow will get on with his swear jar? I didn't count how many Rupees he must have lost this chapter... It's got to be in double digits, surely. Gawd, I've got a lot fonder of Shadow during this story! I must be losing my rational mind.
kdldvs: Thank you very much for the follow! I must say, I'm intrigued as to the origin of your username. Unfortunate that you happened to follow in the later stages of the story... But I'll probably be doing a sequel, so feel free to follow that as well! ;)