Chapter 3- Tangled in my Thoughts
"You never did say how New York was," Puck said as he tossed the football to Finn.
Finn was sitting on the futon in his new dorm room, hanging out with Puck and trying not to think too much about New York; about Kurt. Finn felt his face flush at Puck's question though, so he dropped his head and spun the football around in his hands. "New York was good. It was Christmas, and you know I love Christmas. It's my favorite time of the year."
"Was it weird to be there without Rachel?" Puck flopped down on Finn's bed and stretched out.
"No," Finn shook his head. "It was like she wasn't even there. Ever. We didn't really talk about her at all. There were other, more important things to talk about."
"Huh?"
"Turns out Burt and Mom had a reason to want Kurt and I together for the holidays." Finn looked up at Puck. "Burt has cancer. Prostate cancer. He's going to start treatment this week."
"Shit dude, I'm sorry," Puck said. He reached out and patted Finn's knee comfortingly. "I've gotta say I'm shocked Kurt stayed in New York then."
"If he thought he would have gotten away with it, I'm sure he would have come back home. But he knows Mom, and I are going to take care of Burt, so it's not like Burt's alone here."
"Meanwhile, who is watching out for Kurt?" Puck asked. "You remember how he was the first time Burt got sick."
Finn groaned and tilted his head back, resting it on the back of the futon. "Ugh, I don't know. I didn't even think about that before." Finn groaned again and sat up, rubbing his hands over his eyes. Thinking about Kurt was difficult enough. Finn felt a little bad for what had happened between them, and that they hadn't had time to talk about it. The thing was Finn felt like he had no idea what was going on inside his own head anymore. Suddenly there were butterflies and an uneasiness in his stomach, there were almost flirty texts and conversations, there was cuddling and kissing. Finn was beginning to think he might have feelings he never expected to have.
But then to add Kurt being alone and afraid for his Dad; add in the fact that Finn was supposed to be the strong one of the two of them; that he should be supporting Kurt right now, not tumbling him into more of a mess. The level of guilt Finn felt was astronomical. "Can we not talk about this? Can we not talk about Kurt and New York anymore?"
"Sheesh, chill Finnessa." Puck looked at his friend. "Have you met your roommate yet?"
"Nah," Finn shrugged. "The RA says he's in California until later today." Finn considered the football still in his hands. He held it as if to throw it again. "Did you spend any of the holiday break with Jake? How is that working for you, suddenly having a brother?"
Puck indicated with his hands that Finn should just throw the damn ball and when he did, Puck caught it easily before tossing it back. "Yeah, we spent some time together and hung out and shit. I figure if anyone knows what it's like to suddenly gain a brother though, it's you."
Finn rolled his eyes. "One, I don't think we can really compare Jake and Kurt. And two, you are actually related to Jake." He tossed the football back to Puck.
Puck caught the ball and shrugged. "It's kinda weird but also kinda cool that he's in the New Directions too. And I mean, I know I have the moves, but the kids mad talented when it comes to dance. Took lessons and shit even. It's like combining me and Mike."
Puck tossed the ball back to Finn.
"Whoa," Finn exclaimed. Before he could say anything else, the door to the dorm room opened. Finn looked at the guy standing in the doorway.
"Well, hello," the blonde said as he pulled in a rolling suitcase. He looked from Finn to Puck. "I'm assuming one of you must be Finn Hudson."
Finn stood up and tossed the football at Puck. He extended his hand to the blonde. "I'm Finn. You must be my roommate- Travis right?" Finn noticed the other guy was about Puck's height but more broad, like Sam but graceful and lean like Mike. He was tan, blonde and had huge green eyes.
"Travis Harrison," he said, shaking Finn's hand. "It's good to meet you." Travis turned to Puck, who was twirling the football in his hands. "And you are?"
"Everyone calls me Puck." he said as he dropped the football on Finn's bed and shook Travis' hand. "Finn and me have been friends since we were kids."
"Cool," Travis nodded. "Are you going to school here too?"
"No," Puck chuckled. "College isn't my thing. Thought I might hang out with my boy here though and work on my screenplay."
"By which Puck means, he's hoping to hang out with me and pick up college chicks," Finn said.
000
"Happy New Year, Kurt!" Blaine's voice crackled through his laptop's speakers.
"Happy New Year to you too!" Kurt sighed as he sat down on the couch and tucked his feet under himself, settling the laptop on his legs. "Sorry, I didn't have a chance to Skype or really talk to you during the holidays, but my holiday plans changed quite dramatically since last time we skyped."
"Sure, no problem," Blaine replied with a shrug. "How long did everyone stay?"
"Dad and Carole headed back to DC a couple of days after Christmas. Dad had some things to take care of. Finn left New Years Day." Kurt chewed on his lower lip nervously.
"Well, that sounds like a nice visit for you and Finn. Did you guys do anything on New Years Eve?" Blaine asked.
Kurt nodded. "We had dinner at a little greasy spoon and then went to Times Square. It was crowded and loud and cold but at least now I can say I've been. What about you? What did you do for New Years Eve?"
"Obviously I wasn't invited to the Warbler bash this year," Blaine joked. "So I invited Sam, Brittany and Tina over. We each brought one movie and had a movie marathon in our pjs with sleeping bags, pillows and so much junk food my stomach still hurts."
"Oh, what movies did everyone bring?" Kurt asked.
Blaine laughed. "It turns out we all brought a movie we got for Christmas. Sam brought 'The Amazing Spiderman', which was better than I thought, even if Tina and I had to try to pretend we didn't notice Britt and Sam making out the whole time." Blaine sighed. "Tina brought 'The Odd Life of Timothy Green', which was quite good, but I don't think Brit or Sam liked much. Brittney brought 'Arthur Christmas' which we'd all seen and it made Brit cry. I had 'Men in Black III' ."
"That sounds like an interesting night."
Blaine shrugged. "It was fun but not particularly festive. Especially compared to the great time you probably had in Times Square with Finn," Blaine said.
Kurt felt his cheeks flush at the memories of New Years Eve with Finn. "Yeah, Finn was really great company."
Kurt looked down, not wanting to meet Blaine's eyes through the computer screen. It didn't feel right to Kurt to talk to Blaine about Finn, but they hadn't had a chance to talk about it before Finn had left either, and Kurt was feeling a little overwhelmed. But just thinking about New Years Eve, about kissing Finn, made Kurt smile.
"Blaine, have you ever had a crush on one of your straight friends?" Kurt asked.
Blaine's eyes widened a little and his cheeks tinged pink.
Oh, right, Kurt thought to himself, Sam.
"Ye-eah," Blaine stammered. "I have."
"How do you make yourself not mistake their friendly gestures as romantic overtures?" Kurt asked.
Blaine looked at Kurt and tilted his head. "It's not easy. Especially when you are really close friends. I just have to keep reminding myself that my friend is straight; we're just friends and I wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize that."
"Yeah. That's smart." Kurt smiled a little as he nodded. "It's difficult sometimes though, when they do something special, and you know they did that because they care and you just wish they felt the same way you do."
Blaine nodded. "How did you get past all of this with Finn back when you had your crush on him?"
Kurt laughed as his cheeks flushed with color again. "Umm, there was the fact that we were about to become a family, and there was a better option of someone to transfer my feelings towards. A guy that was gay and would sing all the flirty duets I wanted."
"Oh, ok." Blaine laughed. "Maybe that's a good idea also. Just remember that nothing good is going to come from crushing on your straight guy friend. You're going to get hurt, and you could lose a great friendship too. You matter Kurt."
"I know, I know. And thanks Blaine, for being a friend. I've missed this, with you," Kurt said softly.
"I've missed you, Kurt." Blaine smiled. "Did you have a good time with your family during the holidays?"
Kurt nodded. "There was a reason that Dad wanted us all together though." Kurt looked down and then up again at Blaine's face. "Can you do something else for me Blaine?"
Blaine tilted his head as he looked at Kurt on the computer screen. "Sure, anything Kurt."
"Dad told me, told us that he has prostate cancer. That's why he and Carole went back to DC right away. He needed to finish some stuff before he starts his chemo next week," Kurt explained.
Blaine's eyes were damp when Kurt looked at the screen. "Oh Kurt, I'm so sorry. What can I do?"
"Can you just help keep an eye on him?" Soft sobs racked Kurt's body. "I know Carole and Finn are going to be there but I know you'll be honest with me. Right?"
"Of course, Kurt." Blaine said.
"I wanted to come home, but everyone thinks that is unnecessary." Kurt hiccupped.
"It is Kurt." Blaine agreed. "You've got NYADA and Vogue in New York. You've got Carole, Finn and me here in Lima making sure your Dad is taken care of. And your dad is strong, and they make cancer treatment breakthroughs all the time."
"Thank you, Blaine," Kurt said softly.
000
"So your friend Puck," Travis said later that night as he sat on the futon and Finn was sitting at his desk replying to an email from Kurt. "You guys are pretty close?"
"Like brothers really," Finn said. "If you don't count most of sophomore year."
"What happened sophomore year?" Travis asked.
"He slept with my girlfriend Quinn, she got pregnant and tried to pass it off as mine. I thought it had pretty much destroyed our friendship and almost destroyed something that would become very special to us." Finn sighed and spun around on his chair to face Travis.
"Sophomore year is also pretty much when I gained an actual brother."
"Wow, you have a way younger brother, that's cool." Travis said.
Finn shook his head. "No, actually Kurt is older than me. But in sophomore year his dad started dating my mom. And by the end of the year we had moved in with them."
"Oh, step-brothers." Travis smiled.
"Yeah, but we're close. And everyone just calls us brothers usually." Finn said.
"You guys were friends before your parents got together?" Travis asked.
Finn leaned back on his chair and laughed heartily. "No, not really. I mean I was the quarterback of the football team, dating the head cheerleader at the beginning of sophomore year. And Puck, he and some of the other guys on the teams were tossing kids in the dumpsters, tossing slushies in their faces, nailing their lawn furniture to the roof, pelting them with pee balloons. I wasn't really participating like the others were, but I wasn't doing anything to stop it. I wasn't being a real leader you know, just because I was afraid they might all turn on me too. But Kurt was one of their main targets back then."
Travis's face was lined with confusion. "I'm suddenly not so fond of your friend, Finn."
"Nah, Puck's cool now. It took a while. It took well, everything that happened Sophomore and then the beginning of Junior year, but we're all changed now. Partially because of Kurt." Finn was quiet for a few moments, and he smiled softly as he stared off in the distance.
"What about you?" he asked Travis. "Any siblings?"
Travis nodded. "Two younger sisters. Tara is sixteen and Tennille is thirteen." Travis walked over to his desk and picked up a framed picture and held it out to Finn. "That's us last year at my high school graduation."
Finn whistled. "They're very pretty. You are going to have your hands full being the protective big brother to those two."
"Don't I know it," Travis chuckled. "What do you know about being a big brother though? I thought you said Kurt was older," Travis joked.
"Only by a couple of months though and well, wait a second," Finn started tapping away at his keyboard again and brought up a picture of Kurt and Finn standing with Burt and Carole at the wedding. "That's Kurt- my little big brother."
"Ah, I gotcha." Travis nodded as he leaned over Finn's shoulder. "Although really who doesn't look small compared to a strapping young man such as you?" He asked as he gently patted Finn's shoulder.
Finn turned his head and blinked a couple of times at Travis before he laughed nervously. "Yeah, I guess so."
Travis immediately retreated back to his desk and put the photo of his sisters back on his desk. "Sorry about that," he mumbled awkwardly. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable when I said that."
"Nah, it's ok dude. It was just; it was a very Kurt thing you said. And I kind of miss him, you know?" Finn swiveled on his chair to look at his roommate again.
"Where is he? Is he going to school too?" Travis asked.
Finn nodded and smiled brightly. He reached for his NYADA cup on his desk and held it up. "He's in New York, going to NYADA. That's the New York Academy of Dramatic Arts. We just spent Christmas with him there."
Travis' eyes widened with surprise. "Wow, that sounds kind of impressive."
Finn nodded and smiled.
"Ok, so I know about your best friend, Puck, your brother Kurt. Is there a significant other I should hear all about as well?" Travis asked.
Finn tilted his head and looked at Travis for a couple of moments before he grinned slightly. "Oh, you mean like a girlfriend. Nah, there is no one really right now. I've got an ex- girlfriend, Rachel, and she is in New York too with Kurt at NYADA. And I mean it was supposed to be the three of us there in New York. Me, my wife and my brother." Finn paused for a minute. "Shit, I keep calling Rachel my ex-girlfriend but I guess technically she's my ex-fiance."
Travis gulped. "What happened?" he asked softly.
"To Rach and I?" Finn asked as Travis nodded. "Her dreams were always bigger than mine and I couldn't stand to hold her back. I'm not talented like her and Kurt. When I didn't get into my New York school, I couldn't let me hold her back in any way. So I sent her off on a train alone, and I joined the army." Finn sighed. "I used to think that one day, someday, maybe we'd find our way back to each other because that's kinda been our pattern over the last three years. But we're not even really speaking right now. I mean I love her and probably will always love her in some way but …" Finn trailed off and rested his head against his hand on the desk.
"Wait,"Travis said as he shook his head. "If you joined the army, why are you here right now?"
Finn's face reddened. "Shot myself in the leg. Got discharged. Showed up in New York and Rach was pretty much already dating someone new."
"Ouch," Travis nodded sympathetically.
"As Kurt would say 'It almost makes you want to give up girls all together'," Finn joked.
Travis sputtered for a few moments before he laughed his agreement.
"What about you?" Finn asked. "Do you have a girlfriend or something?"
Travis looked at Finn for a moment and considered how to answer, but in the end he went with the safe route. "No, I'm single."
"Then I guess you'll just have to join Puck and on when we go out, and we can be each other's wingmen." Finn replied matter of factly.
Travis tried not to choke as he answered. "Sure, we might be able to do that."
000
"Kurt Hummel. What are you doing here on your first day of classes?" Isabelle asked from her desk when Kurt appeared in her doorway.
"My first day of classes is done, but I've got something on my mind and I need to talk it out with someone because it's kept me pretty distracted all day." Kurt closed the door behind him and slid into a chair opposite Isabelle.
"Kurt if it's about something here, just let me know and we'll get it taken care of, " Isabelle said. "You've pretty much finished up everything you were working on."
"It's not about work. I just, I can't really talk to anyone else about this because it's not just about me," Kurt confessed.
Isabelle nodded. "Okay,so this is personal."
Kurt chewed on the corner of his lip as he nodded, feeling the heat rise in his cheeks. "Ok, so my dad brought us all together for the holidays because he has cancer and I should be freaking out about that. But it's like my mind can only handle one freak out at a time and it's focusing on something else at the moment."
"Kurt," Isabelle began, "I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. Let me know if I can do anything to help."
Kurt nodded sadly. "I should be worried about this. That would be normal. That would be the expected outcome. But instead I am worked up over something so unexpected that I think I might have made it all up." Kurt sighed. "Every time I think I am one hundred percent over him, he does something and I wonder if I'll ever be over him."
"Okay, so what has Blaine done now?" Isabelle asked.
"It wasn't Blaine," Kurt said sheepishly.
"Oh," Isabelle said. "Oh!" Her eyes widened. "Finn Hudson."
"Finn Hudson indeed." Kurt nodded. "The loft isn't a big place you know. We don't even have bedrooms. Just curtained off areas around our beds. So when Dad and Carole and Finn showed up, Dad and Carole stayed in Rachel's room because she was off on a cruise with her dads. And Finn was going to stay on the couch but I mean it's barely big enough for three people to sit on, Finn couldn't really sleep on it." Kurt was rambling, his voice getting higher in pitch and his speech increasing in speed.
Isabelle stood up and walked around her desk and sat on the corner of it, closer to Kurt, taking one of his hands in her's trying to calm him.
"It's not like it was back when our parents first got together and he freaked out about sharing a room with the gay kid from school. That's not who I am to him anymore. So we shared a bed, my bed. It was more comfortable than sleeping on the floor or the couch." Kurt pulled his hand from Isabelles and started pacing back forth in the office. "It shouldn't have been a big deal. We've shared a bed before, on glee club trips because Mr. Schue felt more comfortable with me sleeping with either the girls or my brother. And I know when I've slept in with the girls, Finn has slept with other guys like Puck or Sam."
Kurt turned and looked at Isabelle. "I sleep with a lot of blankets on my bed. I didn't use to, but as Blaine and I got more comfortable around each other, and after spending evenings or nights cuddled together, I just tried to recreate that feeling of warmth and safeness even when he was not around." Kurt started pacing again. "Finn had to ask about it, about the blankets. And I told him, figuring what's the worst that could happen. I sure didn't expect him to offer to cuddle with me; to hold me while I slept."
"Nine nights Isabelle, nine nights we slept either spooned together or me curled into his side using his chest as a pillow. The first night after Dad and Carole left for DC, Finn went and stayed in Rachel's room. I slept like shit because I tossed and turned all night. I was cold and lonely and I couldn't get comfortable and I knew he was just across the loft." Kurt sat down on the couch in Isabelle's office and rested his head on his hands and knees. "He's been gone three days and it's been the same. I've had to start taking the Ambien again at night."
"Oh Kurt, honey," Isabelle said. She sat down beside him on the couch. "That was nice of him though, and sweet. He obviously lo-cares for you so very much. I'm sure it's easy to fall back into that place where he fills your heart, but it's not good for you to keep doing this to yourself."
Kurt looked over at Isabelle, his eyes bright and a grimace on his face. "Wait, it get's better. Or worse depending on how you look at it." Kurt sighed. "There was kissing. At first just friendly, brotherly pecks on the cheeks, on the forehead. You know thank you for the Christmas gift, or oh we're standing under mistletoe. We went down to Times Square New Years Eve. And I might have made an offhanded comment about not having anyone to kiss at midnight and he kissed me; on the forehead. But for a second, it seemed like he was going for my lips, but then he moved to my forehead. This, after pretty much walking around with an arm around me all night so we wouldn't get separated." Kurt shook his head. "And then later, back at the loft, he kissed me again on the forehead and then I went to kiss him on the cheek good night, he turned his head and I ended up kissing him full on the lips. And, he didn't pull away. There was a second kiss after that too, and I don't think I was the one that initiated it, but it's all kinds of hazy."
Kurt groaned as he leaned back against the couch and let his head fall back. "We haven't talked about it. I didn't know what to say and he left the next the day, pretty early. He kissed me again at the airport too. Just on the forehead that time but God Isabelle, when I replay the holidays in my mind, I feel like Finn was always kissing me." Kurt laughed darkly. "I know it's just all in my head."
"Well, the kiss on the lips, was it good?" Isabelle asked with a twinkling smile.
Kurt just stared at Isabelle for a few moments before shaking his head and smirking slightly. "Considering it was just a closed mouth kiss, but it somehow was better than I ever imagined, I'd say it was pretty incredible." Kurt said.
"And you're sure he's not attracted to you or to guys at all?"
"I had my doubts when we were in high school but I am pretty sure that was just me projecting my own feelings onto him. In high school, Finn was always quick to reassure me that boobs, he likes boobs. And no matter how in love I might be with him, that's not something I'm going to do for him." Kurt sighed as he sat up straighter. "I mean, it's Finn. He just does these things for the people he cares about, and as long as he thinks he is making them happy, that's all he really thinks about. And this is probably all this is. Just Finn being Finn."
"So now how do you tell him that while it's been lovely, he's breaking your heart all over again." Isabelle nodded.
"Exactly."
000
"How did you end up at school here if you're from California?" Finn asked Travis a couple of nights later as they each sat at their desks working on assignments.
Travis swiveled around to look at Finn. "I actually grew up in Ohio; in Willard. But my parents divorced when I was fourteen, and the girls were eleven and eight. Our dad lives in California and we spend the summer with him and sometimes during the holidays too."
"Oh, okay," Finn said. "Puck went to LA for a while after graduation, when I left for the army. But he came back, and I came back and he's never mentioned LA again. I think he might still be mad that I turned him down senior year. He thought we should go together. He knew Rach and I weren't going to last. Everyone did."
"You went to McKinley right?" Travis asked.
Finn nodded. "Yup that's us. Home of the Titans."
"Why aren't you playing college ball if you were the quarterback since sophomore year?"Travis asked.
Finn shrugged. "Don't know man. I guess I just wasn't good enough for anything other than high school ball."
"I heard something about a bunch of the football team there being part of the show choir and a gay kicker and dance routines on the field."
Finn scowled at Travis; he couldn't help it the second he heard gay and kicker that of course was Kurt and even though Finn didn't think Travis meant anything by it, his protective instinct was kicking in. "For a while sophomore year, Kurt was our kicker. That was probably whom you heard about. He taught us how to work together as a team by teaching us a routine to Single Ladies. He kicked the winning field goal in the only game we won all year." Finn took down a football covered in writing and tossed it at Travis.
"Junior year, we got a new coach, a female coach and she whipped us into a real team, but there was this big divide between the glee guys on the team and the others. So coach and Mr. Schue has us all work together and we did a half time show at the homecoming game to a mash-up of Thriller and Heads Will Roll, including all the Glee kids, a couple of cheerleaders, and the football team." Finn sighed. "We went all the way and won it all that year in football. And the glee club they made it to Nationals in New York and came in twelfth out fifty. Last year though, last year they went all the way and won it all." Finn smiled softly.
Travis looked at Finn. "Were you in the Glee club?"
Finn nodded. "We all were. Me, Puck, Kurt, Rachel, Quinn. Here, hang on." Finn stood up and pulled down his senior thunderclap, tucked inside was a photo of all of them onstage, celebrating with their trophy, amid falling confetti. "See there's Puck and that's Quinn. Brittany and Santana are the two girls kissing there", Finn pointed out the other two cheerleaders. "That's Mercedes and Sam. Artie's in the wheelchair, Tina and Mike beside him. That's Joe with the dreadlocks next to Quinn and Sugar next to him. There's Kurt and his now ex-boyfriend Blaine. And Rachel with me."
"She's so tiny," Travis joked.
Finn laughed. "She really is. But she is one of the most talented people I know, don't let her size fool you."
"And Kurt," Travis began, "you said he has an ex-boyfriend. He's gay?"
Finn nodded. " If you've got something rude to say about that, I don't want to hear it. Or else I'm going to have to educate you. Because Kurt might not be here, but I've still got his back. And Kurt is gay but he's taught me more about everything including how to be a man than anyone else."
Travis smiled at Finn. "Don't worry, I won't." Travis put a hand on Finn's shoulder. "Do you know why I needed a roommate half way through the year?"
Finn shrugged. "I figured someone flunked out right away or didn't like living in dorms or something, I don't know."
Travis nodded. "The guy living here first half, he didn't 'appreciate' living with me."
Finn's brows furrowed. "I know it's only been a couple of days but you're pretty easy to get along with and live with."
"That's not what he meant Finn." Travis said. "He didn't appreciate living with a someone who was gay."
"Oh," Finn said frowning. "Oh," he repeated his expression softening. "That was crappy of him. But yeah, ok, I don't have a problem with that." Finn was quiet for a few moments. "Hey, Travis?"
"Yeah, Finn?"
"You're not going to, I don't know, like hit on…"
"...you? No." Travis laughed. "I don't think we need that drama."
Finn laughed too. "I actually meant Kurt. He's coming to visit in February and I'll probably skype with him a bit before then. I mean, not that you're not cool. But his break up with Blaine is still kind of recent and..." Finn trailed off before he started confessing his own confusing emotions surrounding Kurt recently.
"Kurt's not really my type. Truth be told, you are probably closer to my type. Tall, dark, into sports." Travis admitted.
Finn laughed again. "You and Kurt both. He had such a crush on me at first. It's actually how our parents were introduced. Kurt's little matchmaking scheme so we'd have to spend more time together. Moving in together did not exactly go according to his plan though."
Travis chuckled as he shook his head. "I hope you at least let him down easily Finn."
Finn shook his head. "I wish I was that smart. I was stupid and foolish and almost ruined a bunch of really good relationships with careless words spoken in anger and fear." Finn took a couple of deep breaths. He stood up, shoving his phone into his pocket and grabbing his jacket. "I'm going to go for a walk and call Kurt and apologize again for what a stupid, stupid person I was then."
"I'm sure he knows Finn," Travis said. "Not that you're stupid or were stupid." Travis blinked. "But that you are sorry."
"But what if being sorry isn't enough?" Finn whispered as he walked out of the dorm room.
000
Finn walked across campus, with no particular destination in mind. He just walked as he tried to sort out his thoughts before he actually called Kurt. They'd exchanged a couple of texts and random Facebook postings since Finn had left New York, but they hadn't addressed what had happened that last night. Finn was partially shocked that Kurt wasn't hounding him about it, but at the same time he was grateful for Kurt's consideration.
Finn pushed the door open at Somethings Brewin' and stepped into the small campus coffee shop. There was music playing in the background and the two employees were packing up the last of the Christmas decorations. He stepped up to the counter and looked at the menu written on large chalkboards above it.
"What can I get for you?" the guy behind the counter asked.
"Extra large hot chocolate, extra whipped cream and 4 of those biscotti cookies." Finn pulled a ten dollar bill out of his wallet and slid it across the counter to the guy.
He leaned against the counter while he waited for his order and scanned the little coffee shop for somewhere isolated to sit so he could have a little privacy while he talked to Kurt. In one of the corners was a little two person table with windows in front of it and one side of it. Finn pulled his phone out of his pocket, thumbing through his contacts until he found his brother.
Finn wasn't one to play with the settings on his phone much, not like Kurt or Rachel or even his mom so the picture of Kurt happened to be the one Kurt had snapped of himself when he'd first given Finn his number back in sophomore year. Sometimes it was like Kurt was a completely different person than he was back then. Sometimes Finn felt like a different person too. And deep down Finn knew the truth was that they were both different people in many ways. Finn wasn't sure if those differences were a good thing or a bad thing.
"One extra large hot choc with extra whip and biscotti cookies," the guy said, snapping Finn out of his thoughts. "Here, take one of these candy canes and stir the hot chocolate with it. We're just going to have to throw them out anyway." He held out a glass jar with half a dozen candy canes still in it. Finn pocketed his phone again before he pulled out a green spearmint candy cane and smiled his thanks before taking his order over to the table near the windows.
Finn sat down and shrugged out his jacket, hanging it over the back of the other chair. He unwrapped the candy cane and slipped it into the hot chocolate. He swiped his finger across the top of the drink and gathered a dollop of whipped cream before he sucked it into his mouth. Finn pulled his phone from his pocket again and dialed Kurt, absently stirring his hot chocolate while he waited for Kurt to answer.
"Finn!" Kurt's voice was excited and breathless in Finn's ear through the phone, and he shivered.
"Hey, Kurt. Bad time?" Finn asked.
"Not at all. Just unexpected. How are you? How have your first days of classes been?" Kurt asked joyfully. Finn could hear shuffling in the background, like maybe Kurt had gone into his little partitioned area of the loft and was sitting back against the pillows on his bed.
Finn laughed a little a Kurt's enthusiasm. "I'm good. Classes are okay. How are you? How are your classes?"
"I'm good," Kurt replied. "Classes were great."
They were both silent for a few moments, and Finn took a rather large sip of his hot chocolate and a bite of his biscotti. "Sorry," he mumbled into the phone. "I'm having some biscotti and hot chocolate at the coffee place on campus."
"At 8:45 at night?" Kurt asked, worry evident in his voice. "Are you not getting along with your new roommate?"
"No. No, Travis is great." Finn explained. "We had a great talk earlier tonight. And then I started thinking about some stuff, remembering some stuff and I just wanted to check in with you. Apologize to you."
"Finn," Kurt whispered, his voice shaking with emotion.
"Kurt," Finn pleaded. "Please, tell me it's okay. Tell me you know I never meant all that stupid shit, I said and did. When I think back about everything I did, or watched or let happen to you and how much you mean to me now. God Kurt, I was stupid. How'd I not see how…" Finn's voice cracked as his vision started to blur from the tears he was fighting to hold back.
"Finn," Kurt said. "You were never that bad."
"I could have done better, I should have done better," Finn said softly.
"What's this all about?" Kurt asked.
"I don't know," Finn said, his voice muffled by his hands trying to wipe away rogue tears that were falling. "I guess I just need you to know that I was stupid, and I know that now and I regret it. I just don't want you to hate me for those things I did."
"I never hated you, even then," Kurt said quietly. "Quite the opposite in fact."
Finn chuffed out a couple of ragged breaths. "I really didn't it understand then. And now, I just can't help but think why? I didn't deserve it."
"Love doesn't work that way. It doesn't always make sense," Kurt whispered.
"Huh," Finn replied. "I guess not."
"Finn, is this about what happened that last night you were here?" Kurt asked after a couple of minutes of silence.
Finn exhaled noisily, letting Kurt know he had heard him even if he wasn't responding yet. "Maybe," he said finally. "I don't know."
"It's okay," Kurt said. "It was a mistake. You turned as I went to kiss you on the cheek. It's my fault really, and I'm sorry." Finn could hear the despair in Kurt's voice, and he hated it.
"Kurt, no. No." Finn said forcibly. "That's not how I remember it all." He said more quietly; his voice whisper quiet now. "Yes, I might have turned as you leaned in to kiss me, but I did it on purpose. It, it wasn't a mistake. If it were, I wouldn't have kept on kissing you. I wouldn't have kissed you the second time."
,
Kurt's laughter was a welcome sound to Finn's ears. "You really did kiss me, didn't you."
Finn chuckled. "I did." He took a couple of deep breaths as he could feel his pulse racing a little just thinking back about it. "I don't know why exactly I did that, or what it means. But I don't think of it as a mistake. Don't think that, Kurt."
"Okay," Kurt replied and Finn could just picture him nodding sharply in response. "Did…" Kurt paused, and Finn could hear him breathing a little. "Did you like it? The kiss I mean."
Finn choked slightly on his biscotti and coughed. "Umm, yes, I guess?"
"Finn," Kurt whispered. The sound made goosebumps break out against Finn's skin.
"Kur-rt," Finn almost whined. "What do you want me to say?" He took a deep breath and lowered his voice, glancing around the coffee shop that was still as deserted as when he had first walked in. "It wasn't weird. I've been thinking about it since then, and it should have felt weird, but it didn't. And of course I like kissing. It's pretty much all I've gotten to do over the last five years. Lots and lots of kissing."
"Okay, fair enough," Kurt replied. "I've thought about it too, and you're right, it wasn't as weird as I would have expected it to be."
"You expected it to be weird?" Finn asked dumbstruck.
"Well of course Finn!" Kurt exclaimed. "You're … you're you. The straight guy I crushed on. The guy that almost married my best friend whom I live with. The… there are no easy words to describe us."
Finn chuckled darkly. "That's really true." He waited a few moments before he spoke again. "Was it too weird for you? Considering our history?"
"Maybe," Kurt admitted.
"I'm sorry," Finn said. "I guess I didn't think that it might be weird for you too."
"Getting over you when I did was a three step process," Kurt explained. "First, I knew I had to get over you. What good was it going to do me to keep crushing on you when you had made your feelings perfectly clear? But I knew I had the opportunity to gain a true friend out this if I could get past those feelings. And the last thing Glee Club needed was for you and I to have it out like you and Puck did sophomore year or even like you and I when you guys first moved in."
"Kurt," Finn interrupted.
"Let me finish," Kurt demanded. "Second, our parents got married. I couldn't let something like a silly high school crush destroy my dads or your moms happiness. I couldn't let it destroy the family we both wanted. And then, I met Blaine. He made it a lot easier to get over you. And getting over you was the best thing I could have done. We wouldn't have the relationship we have now if this were still unresolved between us. You'd still be changing in the bathroom and sleeping anywhere but in a room with me, let alone in my bed. I doubt you'd had even considered New York if things hadn't changed."
"Not all of those are still true anymore," Finn said.
"No, they're not," Kurt agreed. "Blaine isn't my boyfriend anymore and there is no one for me to be loyal and faithful to. In some ways, it makes our- yours and mine- relationship harder for me. I love how close we are; I don't want that to change. And I love how deeply you care for the important people to you and how you'd do anything for them. And I know that includes me." Kurt paused.
"I really would do anything for you," Finn promised. "I've got your back."
"So I need you to think about this. You even admitted yourself that sophomore year you did not treat me the best. And yet, I fell for you. So imagine what it's like for me now, how differently you treat me, how easy it would be for me to fall for you again. I don't want to go back to being that guy ,Finn; I can't." Kurt took a couple of deep breaths, and Finn could tell he was trying not to cry.
"I- I just don't know what to say, Kurt." Finn sighed. "You don't want me to care about you?"
"No," Kurt sobbed. "It's just-" he took a couple of hitching breaths. "Look, the past, all that horrible stuff. It's the past. I know what I mean to you now. And it's completely mutual. I don't need you to remind me constantly with your words, your actions and your incredibly sweet even if slightly maddening gestures."
"Okay," Finn said, but he was anything but. His eyes were blurred with tears again. Over the phone, with Kurt breaking down like this was not how Finn thought he should admit his own confusing feelings when it came to Kurt. He owed Kurt more than that.
"I don't want it to be weird between us. It's just, if you can help me, and be more conscious of what you are doing and how it might seem to me. And I'll work on reminding myself of your real intentions. And I'll try to keep myself from falling hopelessly in love with you again." Kurt was openly sobbing now. "Sorry, I've not been sleeping well."
"Me neither," Finn admitted for the first time out loud.
"Finn!" Kurt whined.
"Fuck! Sorry, that's probably the kind of stuff I shouldn't be saying, right?"
"Yes, but I'm kind of glad I'm not the only one," Kurt said.
Finn looked up and noticed the barista was giving him a weird look. When he saw Finn look up at him, he gestured to the clock and made a shooing motion. "Sorry!" Finn exclaimed as he moved for his jacket and pulled it on as he exited the coffee shop.
"What?" Kurt asked.
"Oh, I was just apologizing to the staff at the coffee shop. They just kicked me out. I didn't realize it was so late," Finn explained. "So I guess we'll talk later?"
"How far back to your dorm is it?" Kurt asked.
"Not far? Ten minutes maybe? Why?"
"Stay on the phone with me. Just so I know you got back to the dorms safely. It is late." Kurt chided.
Finn laughed. "Are you worried about me? I think I can handle myself, Kurt."
Kurt laughed, as well. "I know. But I'm still going to worry about you. I'm still going to care. Nothing is ever going to change that."
Finn swallowed the lump in his throat. "I know Kurt. I feel the same."
"I know."
"Have you decided what you are going to sing for the Apples audition? Isn't that tomorrow?" Finn asked.
"It is!" Kurt exclaimed. "I thought I might sing Born This Way and wear my 'likes boys' tee shirt in case there is any confusion. Or maybe Defying Gravity from Wicked and really show off my range."
"What? No Mellencamp?" Finn teased.
Kurt laughed. "I suppose I could always pull out all the stops and sing 'Hurts So Good'. I'm pretty sure I brought all the appropriate pieces to fashion a perfectly acceptable wardrobe for that song."
Finn stopped. "Well, I guess that would be one way to let that Adam guy know you're interested."
"No, Finn," Kurt said. "I was only joking."
"I knew that!" Finn exclaimed secretly relieved, and a little turned on by the thought of Kurt singing that song. "But, hey, whatever you do sing, see if someone can record it and send it to me? I kinda miss hearing you sing all the time."
"Sure, Finn," Kurt said. "We can always set up a time to skype and sing together. Blaine and I did that, er, do that I guess since we did it again at Christmas."
"Really?"
"Yeah, right before you guys showed up."
"Cool. Sunday maybe?" Finn asked.
"Yeah, not like I'll be at church or anything."
"No, I guess not. Well, I'm here now," Finn said as he walked into the dorms and headed up the stairs to the 5th floor.
"Oh, well good night then I guess. I- I miss you," Kurt whispered.
"Me too. Night Kurt." Finn ended the call and walked into his room.
Later that night Finn received a notification of a new email from Kurt.
To: Finn Finn05Hudson
From: Kurt KEHinNYC
Subject: Don't ask
Rachel and Brody forced me to sit and finish Casablanca with them tonight after we got off the phone. I don't know why I agreed, and I have even less of an idea as to why this part of the song stuck out at me or why I thought to send it to you tonight.
'You must remember this, a kiss is still a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh. The fundamental things apply, as time goes by.'
I don't know,
Kurt
000
"So I hear congratulations are in order," Finn said as soon as Kurt's face popped up on his laptop screen. Finn could tell that Kurt was sitting in his room in the loft, at his desk. His hair was styled as usual and he was wearing a blue v-neck sweater with a white tee shirt poking out of the top. It made Finn feel self conscious being still in the tee shirt and plaid pyjama pants he had slept in, sitting on his bed.
Kurt laughed, his face crinkling in merriment. "There weren't that many auditions. They are kinda like the New Directions- you audition, you get in."
"Geesh Kurt, you make it sound like you're just an ok singer. You're amazing. You know it, I know it. Take the freakin' compliment already," Finn joked, his lips twisting into a smirk.
"How'd you hear about it anyway?"
"You joined the Apples Facebook page and then liked a comment that welcomed new members and low and behold there was a Kurt Hummel listed. So I figured…" Finn trailed off.
"Stalking me on Facebook now, Finn Hudson?" Kurt teased.
"Not like I can stalk you in person anymore when I'm in Ohio and you're in New York. It was much easier when you were just across the hall."
"What did you think of my audition song?" Kurt asked as he tilted his head.
"It wasn't Mellencamp," Finn said. "I was surprised to be honest, not your usual style of music."
"I know," Kurt said. "But I woke up Thursday morning with it running through my head and I figured it would work."
"Still- no one believed me when I told the Glee club that you sang Snow Patrol. I had to show them the video. It was really good. Different, but good."
Finn could see Kurt's blush. "That's nothing. The Apples did a welcome performance for the three of us that joined. They did an acapella slowed down version of 'Baby Got Back'." Kurt smiled wide showing all of his teeth.
Finn sputtered. "Are you serious?"
"Completely. It was a once in a lifetime performance," Kurt said.
"You've been on the receiving end of a couple of those, Kurt."
Kurt shrugged. "I guess I have."
"So you and Adam? Did he ask you out to celebrate your acceptance into the Apples?" Finn asked.
Kurt's cheeks turned pink and he ducked his head. "A couple of us went out Friday night to celebrate."
"So I misheard Blaine's grumblings to Sam last night when I went home for dinner?" Finn questioned.
"Blaine was grumbling to Sam?" Kurt asked.
"Yeah, something about how he gave you advice about getting over someone and he thought it might bring you back to him, but instead it seems to have driven you to Adam. I don't know; it didn't make much sense to me because the way I figure it, Blaine's the one you're trying to get over so why would he think his advice would bring you back to him." Finn looked at Kurt.
"I might need to be more clear about my intentions with Blaine," Kurt admitted. "It's just nice having his friendship back."
"I know," Finn said softly.
"How's dad?" Kurt asked.
"Burt's good." Finn nodded. "He had his first appointment this week. Mom said it went well. They talked about the radiation treatment and how it's going to work. They apparently have put Burt on a very strict diet. Burt was complaining that it was worse than the one you forced on him after his heart attack."
Kurt laughed. "Did they say what the radiation treatments were going to be like? When does he start them? For how long? How many times?"
Finn frowned. "I don't think they told me. Although, Burt said they wouldn't start for about 2 weeks because they wanted to make sure the new diet was working and that he was in the best of health. I can ask mom later today and email or text you the details."
Kurt smiled. "It's fine, especially if he isn't starting right away. Just let me know when you can."
Finn nodded. "That I can do."
"Do you think Sam and Blaine are dating?" Kurt asked.
"No." Finn shook his head. "I'm pretty sure Sam is still dating Brittany. He was asking Blaine's advice on what to wear to the Sadie Hawkins dance next week and if he should get Brit a corsage."
"Oh, speaking of Brittany," Kurt sighed. "Did you hear that Santana has moved into the loft with Rachel and I?"
Finn felt his eyes bug out of his head. "You're kidding me!"
"I'm not. She's passed out on the couch as I speak," Kurt said. "It's been weird, but not bad, if that makes sense."
Finn closed his eyes and exhaled loudly. "That makes more sense than you could ever imagine." Finn opened his eyes. "Oh, shit. Kurt, do you realize that you are now living with the two girls I've slept with?"
Kurt sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I did not need that thought in my head, Finn Hudson."
"I don't either. Let's not talk about it again," Finn said. "Oh, and please don't let Quinn move in too."
"I doubt Quinn is about to give up Yale to live in a loft in Bushwick with us," Kurt said.
Finn shuddered. "Just run, if she does."
"I will," Kurt promised.
Finn looked up from his laptop as Travis walked through the door to their shared dorm room. "Oh, hey. You're back from the gym already."
"Did you need me to go and come back later?" Travis asked.
Finn shook his head. "Nah, I'm just skyping with Kurt. Hey, Kurt, meet Travis my roommate," Finn said as he smiled at the screen. Finn turned the laptop around so Travis could see Kurt. "And Travis, meet my brother Kurt."
"Finn!" Kurt hissed. "Tilt the screen please. All I can see of your roommate currently is from the waist down."
"Shit!" Finn swore, his cheeks burned with embarrassment. "Sorry dudes," he said as he flipped the computer back around to give Kurt his most apologetic puppy dog eyes.
Travis sat down on the bed next to Finn and leaned over into the view of the webcam. "Nice to meet you Kurt. I've heard lots about you from Finn. He's pretty proud of his talented brother at the fancy New York Arts school."
Kurt blushed and ducked his head. "It's good to meet you too. And please, realize I tried my best in the two years we lived together to make him a better roommate, but two years is not long enough," Kurt joked.
"Yeah, Kurt that's real funny. Travis here has no complaints living with me," Finn said. He threw an arm around Travis' shoulders and pulled him in close.
"It's true. Finn's been a pretty good roommate," Travis said, smiling at Kurt. "Although I have a feeling living with you helped more than you realize."