Martha in the Night

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I own no Castle, not a bit. Rating: K. Time: Prior to the Wedding. That's THE Wedding!

"Kathryn, you can't seriously be worried about marrying Richard? My God, Kiddo, he worships you."

Kate hung her wedding dress up, softly smoothing the white material. "I've been terrified of my feelings for Rick ever since we first met. Why should I change now?"

"You can't seriously believe, after all that you've been through, all that you've meant to each other…"

"No, intellectually, I accept that Rick loves me beyond reason and that we'll be married for the rest of our lives. Happily married, I'll add."

"Then what's the problem?"

Kate shrugged. "It's not rational, I know that. But, I spent years pushing Rick away from me. I was terrified that if I let someone inside the walls I had built up around myself, I'd be hurt, just like I was when my mom died. Most of what I did was simply foolish, but I know I hurt him badly."

"If you're talking about when he told you he loved you, and you told him that you didn't remember that, he knows what you were going through. Your mother's murder, your own shooting, Josh, Rick, just everything. If it had been me, I would have just curled up in a ball and hoped that the world would just go away. He doesn't blame you, dear. He understands completely."

"But I don't understand, Martha. I knew Rick loved me even before I was shot. And I knew that I loved him as well. But the fear was still there. I could have told him how I felt well before the night we…"

"I know, Kate." Martha said with a sympathetic smile. "I knew you were here, and why you and Rick wanted to keep that a secret is beyond me."

"But I didn't tell him. When he told me that he loved me the second time, all I could think about was that he and Michael Smith had conspired to keep me from evidence about my mom's murder. I should have at least considered the fact that he did it because he really did love me and wanted desperately to protect me. I didn't."

"When I went to confront Bracken, I left Rick sleeping in my bed. I wanted to protect him, just as he had wanted to protect me. I never thought that I should have talked to him about it. I did to him exactly what he had done to me, and I never gave it a thought."

"The job in DC was not my decision alone to make. It was our decision. I honestly don't know what I was thinking of. I suppose I was still just afraid of letting Rick inside of my wall, what was left of it."

"Things have changed since then, haven't they." Martha said with a smile.

"Yes. Things are much better now. But that small irrational fear is still there, buried deeply inside of me, but still there. But now I can use it."

Martha looked slightly puzzled. "Use it? How?"

"As long as that little fear is there, I'll always think about Rick before I do anything. As long as I'm terrified that I'll do something stupid to lose him, the more I'll think and talk to Rick before I do anything."

"A bit of mental ju-jitsu?" Martha asked. "Using your own weakness as a strength?"

Kate nodded. "Luckily, my real strength is that Rick loves me. Always."

"Kiddo, don't think that Rick is the only one around here who loves you."