BPOV
Award season was finally over.
Thank fucking god. I didn't know if I could handle all of the dramatics and racing around in addition to my new personal drama.
Somehow, in a haze of stupidity and revelation, I had agreed to date Edward Cullen.
The Slore twins were gossiping like fucking bitches when I got into the office the following Wednesday. I stayed hidden in order to eavesdrop.
"Edward didn't show up anywhere?" Lauren asked Jessica in an oh my god I so fucking can't believe it tone.
"Not even to the Governor's Ball," Jessica whined.
"That's because Slugger was too busy getting his groove on at my after party," Tulip squealed, then broke into the chorus of "This is how we do it."
"Tanya is still pissed that you went and did the drop," Lauren told her glancing at Tanya's door.
"I've been warned," Jessica said with an eye roll. "We're supposed to have a meeting this morning when that little bitch comes in. I don't know why he was upset, you'd think he'd be grateful that it was me who showed up instead of her."
"I know right? He should be thanking you," Lauren muttered.
"For her lame ass pretending to spill coffee on me?" I interrupted. "Or for you showing up when he was expecting someone who wasn't seventy-five percent plastic?"
Or for her little plan being the first domino in the chain of events that lead me to start dating him?
"I don't know what you are talking about. I'm as natural as the day I was born," Jessica retorted.
"Well then, Lady Gaga has it wrong. God does make mistakes and Tara Reid's plastic surgeon is his fucking right hand man," I responded, motioning to her.
"Is someone jealous?" Jessica asked as she folded her arms and walked over to me. A thin smile contorting her freshly Botoxed lips.
I couldn't hold back my laugh. "Of you? Why the fuck would I be jealous of you?"
"Oh, I don't know? Because I managed to make sure I was the one who did the drop instead of your fashion victim ass," she gloated.
Lauren snickered.
"Was it worth it to stand in his shadow for fifteen minutes pretending he gives two shits about you?" I challenged.
"Like he would give you the time of day!" Jessica shot back, taking a step forward.
"Check your watch bitch! It's Slugger o'clock!" Tulip yelled.
I was about two seconds from shattering her whole fucking world and ruining mine by telling her exactly what he was giving me, but I bit my tongue.
"Jessica. I could give a fuck less. I don't need fucking goo goo eyes from some famous douche to make me feel good about myself."
Though having him fuck me senseless on several occasions doesn't exactly hurt.
She glared at me and narrowed her eyes. "Please! He wouldn't waste two seconds looking at you!"
"You're right," I conceded. Jessica was going to be my bitch soon enough and revenge was best served cold with a side of go fuck yourself. "Besides, I'm already seeing someone."
Jessica's eyes widened slightly. "Really?"
"Conjugal visits don't count," Lauren cut in, sneering.
"You would know you walking STD farm," I responded not looking at her.
"So you're not after Edward?" Jessica quizzed skeptically.
I smirked, chuckled and bit my lip. "No Jessica. I'm not after Edward," I told her honestly.
I already have him you delusional bitch.
Tanya walked out from her office then. Wearing a white DNKY pants suit and a scowl.
"You two," she pointed at both of us with splayed fingers. "My office. Now."
"Lauren, get Alice immediately," Tanya commanded, and turned to walk back inside the open door.
Jessica followed immediately after, and I begrudgingly trailed right behind her.
"Alright, you each have thirty seconds to tell me what the hell is going on and why we almost lost Edward Cullen as a client. Jessica, time starts now," Tanya said in a clipped tone, looking at her watch as we both sat down in front of her.
I saw Jessica squirm in her chair uncomfortably before swallowing hard and opening her mouth to speak.
"We've been over this Tanya, I accidentally spilled some coffee on Bella before we both left and she was taking a long time in the bathroom cleaning herself off, so I took the initiative to deliver Edward's apparel," she answered like she was reading lines.
"I took less than ten minutes Stanley, and if you hadn't been trying to walk and chew gum at the same time, it wouldn't have been a problem," I defended. "Plus, I think there was some jealousy involved."
Tanya turned and glared at Jessica, "Stanley please tell me that this incident didn't happen because you
you have the maturity level of a high schooler!"
"No! Not at all. I don't know where she is getting that. I think she has a crush on him, which is why she was so upset when I went instead of her," Jessica argued, shooting me a sideways glare.
"Does it get confusing with all the oompa loompas running around in that eternal sunshine freakshow?" I quipped back.
"Look ladies! We all know that the boy is a fine piece of man candy, but I won't have you fighting over him like children! We are professionals and I'm not going to let an inter office cat fight screw up what I've worked so hard to build," Tanya warned, looking in between the two of us.
"We had explicit instructions from Edward since the SAG Awards that he only wanted Bella doing drop offs!" Tanya reminded Jessica hotly as Alice walked in. She had a huge smile on her face and flitted over and took a seat next to me in front of Tanya's desk.
"Well she was covered in coffee and I was just trying to help," Jessica whimpered, pathetically.
Yeah, help yourself to what is mine. My subconscious growled.
Shut up you pain in the ass!
"If you wanted to help you should have looked where you were going, Jessica! You jeopardized the relationship with one of our..."
"Is it true?" Alice whispered in my ear while Tanya was reading Jessica the riot act.
"Is what true?" I whispered back, irritated that I was missing Jessica getting a smack down.
"Are you dating?"
"How the fuck did you find out?"
"Vic."
It's been like what two days and he's already told his agent?
Who the fuck else has he told?
I took a deep breath through my nose and tried not to explode.
"Yes."
Alice gave a tiny squeal, just as Tanya finished talking.
"I'm not a forgiving person Jessica, one more tiny infraction and not only will you no longer work for me, I'll have you blacklisted from every stylist position and fashion house across the country. Am I clear?"
Jessica swallowed and nodded, "Yes, Tanya."
"You're dismissed Jessica."
Jessica left Tanya's office with her lip trembling.
"Alright Bella, Alice. Is someone going to tell me the real story now?" Tanya smiled, lacing her fingers together and then rested them on her desk.
"What story?" I questioned. "Jessica was irritated that Edward preferred me doing drops and it upset her enough to douse me in coffee."
"I'll grant you that Bella, but it doesn't explain why Edward was practically irate when he phoned me after she left."
"You'd have to ask him about that."
Fucking shit. His dramatics were going to screw us over.
"I'm asking you."
"Why would I know?"
"I figured since you were sleeping with him, you'd have a pretty good idea."
God motherfucking dammit! How the hell did she find out?
I glared at Alice and tried not to swallow my tongue.
Alice held up her hands and shook her head, trying not to chuckle.
"Alice, you we're in on this?" Tanya questioned, with a sigh.
"You always say the clients happiness is our main priority," Alice replied with a giggle. "I'd say Edward Cullen is pretty damn happy with his service right now."
Tanya had an exasperated, but playful smile. "The next time you decide to play madame to the stars, I would like to be notified first," she said shaking her head.
"It wasn't my idea," Alice said innocently, looking back to me.
"How did you find out?" I asked Tanya in the most even tone I could manage.
"Dear, I've been in this business a long time," Tanya started. "Plus, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out when two people are screwing around."
"That's not exactly what's going on," Alice corrected.
"Shut the fuck up Alice," I muttered under my breath glaring at her.
Tanya's expression turned curious. "Then what is?" she asked looking at me.
"Nothing," I quickly said, smacking Alice on the arm.
"They're dating," Alice offered smiling confidently.
Jesus, we hadn't even been on a fucking date yet and already this was spreading faster than a fire through the Hollywood Hills.
Tanya looked alarmed for a split second before she composed herself. "Well, that is definitely interesting. I didn't know Edward dated. You're a lucky girl, Bella."
"Yeah, well, I'd appreciate it if you both could keep this quiet."
"Bella, client confidentiality is a given," Tanya informed. "And Alice has obviously been in your corner secretly for a while now, so I doubt you have anything to worry about."
"I've got your back baby," Alice assured.
I nodded, but I couldn't shake the feeling that this had fucking disaster written all over it.
**Sexy Silk**
Edward and I had both told each other via text about who knew and luckily the list was still small. A few people knowing in the grand scheme of things was easily managed.
The amount of arsenic I would have to acquire would be relatively minimal.
Then he pestered me for a fucking hour to download some stupid word game onto my iPhone and insisted we play.
Tulip13: This game is fucking stupid. This is what you do with your free time?
I messaged him when we were almost through with our mind numbingly boring game.
Slugger620: It's fun and it's your fucking turn so stop stalling.
Tulip13: Why the hell is it telling me that Fucknut isn't an acceptable word?
Slugger620: Because it's not. It's just like Scrabble. Dictionary words only.
Tulip13: Merriam Webster can kiss my ass! This is fucking ridiculous. Don't they have Dirty Words with Friends? That game would fucking sell and be a lot more interesting.
I sat back and looked at the virtual board again.
The stupid yellow squares were fucking me over. Who the hell can make a word with Z, F, two C's and three U's!
Slugger620: It's okay if you can't come up with anything, just hit the resign button in the corner Beautiful;)
I glared at my phone. Condescending prick I thought with a smile.
That's all I had been fucking doing lately. Resigning to everything he wanted.
"So fucking worth it!" Tulip and my subconscious echoed at the same time.
Are you two fucking buddy buddy now?
They both showed me their matching friendship bracelets and giggled.
Co-conspiring backstabbing little bitches.
They had a common interest in trying to convince me that this friending experiment aka:dating, was in all of our best interests. I was outvoted two to one.
I wanted a fucking recount.
Tulip13: Go suck yourself off, Hollywood. I don't fucking give up.
Slugger620: If I could do that. I wouldn't need you ;)
Tulip13: If all I'm good for is a limojack hummer then I guess we don't need to get to know each other. I could be using my mouth for other things. ;P
Slugger620: Nice fucking try. You're still going out with me tonight.
Oh yeah, our first official experiment.
Tulip13: (eye roll) Yeah, don't rub it in. ;)
Slugger620: I just want your extra time and your kiss...
Tulip13: You did NOT bust out Prince lyrics on me.
Slugger620: Just leave it all up to me we can have a good time;)
Tulip13: You're dangerously close to me flashing you a finger made "symbol"
Slugger620: I just need your body baby from dusk till dawn...
Tulip13: If you start in on Purple Rain, I'm never speaking to you again.
Slugger620:A body like yours outta be in jail
'Cause it's on the verge of bein' obscene
Move over, baby, give me the keys
I'm gonna try to tame your little red love machine.
Tulip13: That song came out before I was fucking born. And good fucking luck...;)
"I refuse to change my name to Little Red 'Vette," Tulip pouted.
Slugger620: Yet you still know the lyrics and... I don't need luck...
It was then that I saw the UPS guy come through the door, and I knew Slut Two was about to get her payback for royally fucking up my groove.
Tulip13: Gotta go Hollywood, the show is about to start.
Slugger620: I gotta hear this shit! Put me on speaker.
I had told Edward what I had planned to get even with the Slores and what it entailed. To which he said I was as beautiful as I was evil.
Which may have been the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He called me just as Lauren started throwing her hoochie momma ass at the douche in the brown hotpants.
"Do you have a package for me?" she grinned and cocked her head to the side, batting her fake eyelashes.
"I just might. I wonder if you can handle it though?" the douche responded, playing along.
This was starting to sound like a really bad porno.
"Hey, I'm watching the beginning of a live Zack and Miri here," I greeted quietly.
"Tell me how anywhere in reality a guy like Zack would get to nail a chick like Miri?"
"Lots of liquor and desperation. The real question is how did the dude from Into the Wild hook up with a fucking porn star in The Girl Next Door?"
Edward was about to answer when Lauren had finally called Jessica to come out of her office to get her package.
"Your fine ass better be able to keep quiet. It's time," I whispered into the phone before putting it innocently on my desk.
"We never get anything from UPS," Jessica griped coming out in to the hallway. "What the hell is it?"
"I don't know, the package didn't come with a name, only an address and this envelope," Lauren explained handing it to Jessica shyly.
She eyed it suspiciously for a fraction of a second before tearing it open.
I knew what she was reading, because I had come up with the words myself. They were just enough to get her to open the box, but cryptic enough that she would have to draw her own conclusions about who it was from.
Jessica,
I'm sorry it has taken me so long to tell you how much you mean to me. We've known each other a long time, and although we only have a working relationship, I sincerely hope this gift makes it very clear how much more I would like there to be between us.
"Well? Who's it from?" Lauren quizzed excitedly.
"Um, I'm not sure," she responded, still thinking. "Oh, god! I think...I think it's from Edward!"
Holy fucking shit.
This is going way better than I could have fucking imagined. Time to hit the intercom for the rest of the building.
"What? Lauren gasped. "What would make you think that?"
Jessica handed her the card, while she got Lauren's scissors and started tearing through the box.
"I don't know Jess, it could be one of the interns or the weird IT guy," Lauren cautioned.
"No, it's him I can tell. We had a moment when I was there for the Oscars," she gushed.
I heard a very quick, but almost instantaneously muffled laugh from my phone. I was trying to keep my eyes on my work and act like I was not noticing the shitstorm that was about to be unleashed once that box was opened.
I was Pandora, this was my box, and once my revenge was unleashed, there would be no hope left at the bottom.
A few of the interns had come out from the back, and started holding up the walls. Alice, had come out of her office and stood casually by me but not before giving me a secretive wink.
She said if I could pull this off she was going to take me to lunch anywhere I wanted.
Angela had just come in the front, and was instantly pulled aside by Jessica.
"Ang!"
"Hi Jessica," Angela greeted warily.
I knew that Angela wasn't Jessica's biggest fan, but she only treated her with a turn the other cheek attitude.
"You have to come see what Edward Cullen got me."
I nearly had to stab myself with a pen to keep from laughing.
And here I thought Xanax was supposed to help with abnormal brain function.
"Edward Cullen sent you something?" Angela questioned skeptically.
Jessica nodded like her head was on a spring and her eyes lit up as she finally broke through the last of the tape on the box.
She ripped the box and the packaging open before she had a chance to register what was actually sent to her.
The look on her face when she finally realized what she was holding was absolutely epic.
Her face cast over in confusion then shock, then complete and total panicked embarrassment.
Double dildo strap on I ordered online. $39.95
Exacting public embarrassment on the bitch that fucked you over. Priceless.
"What...why..ugh," she stuttered, throwing it back in the box
Angela snickered. "I think you might want to check the gift tag on that," Angela quipped and walked away.
"I told you it wasn't Edward!" Lauren told her smugly. "Is there another note inside?"
The interns were still watching and snickering to each other.
"I'm afraid to look," she answered, turning back to Lauren and shifting the box around.
She of course pulled out another note.
All my love, Lauren.
Jessica's expression went from annoyed to horrified, and her cheeks turned bright fucking red.
"Lauren?" Jessica looked up slowly to Lauren's perplexed face. "Is this from you?
"Huh? What? No!" Lauren scoffed.
"Then explain this!" Jessica cried, handing Lauren the gift note I'd asked to be included.
Lauren's jaw dropped "This is not from me!" she shrieked and started flipping the note over.
The interns were all trying to muffle their laughter and rabid comments. Jessica shot them a nasty look and they all scattered.
"Then where the hell did this come from?"
Lauren looked around for a split second and her beady, skank eyes landed on me.
Jessica's head whipped in my direction
"This is from you isn't it?" Jessica seethed.
"Jessica, why the fuck would I waste money to pull a prank on you? If I wanted to do that I would just switch out your Xanax for Pez. It just sounds like Lauren is getting cold feet over coming out of the lickalatapuss closet."
"I am.. not.. a.. Lesbian!" Lauren declared feebly stumbling over her words.
"There is nothing to be ashamed of Lauren, I think it was fucking romantic and bold. Nothing says I love you like double snatch fucking," I responded, gathering up my stuff.
Alice turned red and shifted on her feet.
"You orchestrated all of this! Didn't you?" Lauren asserted, folding her arms. "I am so telling Tanya when she comes back!" Lauren continued, whining like a four year old.
"Tell her what? That you sent Jessica a double dong strap on because you secretly wish you had a dick?"
Say double dong strap on five times fast. Talk about a motherfucking tongue twister.
"No, that you did!"
"Prove it," I challenged. "Besides, even jealous refrigerator cooters like Jessica's need lovin'."
"Oh and princess," I said turning to Jessica, "That coffee would have been better used to heat up that glorified ice cave."
"You little bitch! How fucking dare you?" Jessica screamed raising her hand in the air to slap me. I caught her wrist mid swing.
I brought my face right up to hers, looking into her dull blue, scared-shitless eyes.
"Don't fuck with the master bitch," I warned through my gritted teeth before making her slap herself in the forehead.
She starred at me, completely stunned for two seconds before she started to cry and tromp away. Lauren shot me a dirty fucking look and mouthed "fucking bitch" before chasing after her.
I shook my head and laughed.
Dance puppets. Dance.
"You get all that Hollywood?" I chuckled into my phone.
"Most of it," he answered through a laugh. "You're truly fucking evil."
"There ain't no rest for the wicked," I joked. "And those bitches totally deserved it."
"No arguments here."
"Better not be hotshot, or you'll be next on my shit list," I teased. "Come to think of it, you're already on it for keeping what the fuck we're doing tonight a secret.
"As long as Slugger is coming back to knock one out of the park, who gives a fuck?" Tulip cheered and straightened her 'Team Slugger' jersey.
"I'll see you in a few hours. Bye Beautiful," he chuckled, brushing off my threat.
"Bye, Cloak and Dagger."
"Aww! You two are so sweet," Alice giggled.
I shook my head "Who the fuck were you listening to Alice? There was nothing sweet about any of that."
"Bella, it's written all over your face. You really like him," she swooned.
"He's tolerable and he's fuckawesome in bed. That's the only reason he hasn't been booted out on his ass."
I had admitted that I like him, but everyone didn't need to fucking know that. It was bad enough that Tulip knew.
"I knew it before Tulip," my subconscious reminded me like the snooty bitch she is. "And way the fuck before you," she added.
Yeah, well the next time you get a fucking epiphany, would you smother Tulip's chatty ass so I can hear you and not get blindsided?
She saluted me and hoped off her soapbox. Smug little bitch.
"Whatever, Queen of Denial," Alice laughed.
"Let's roll Alice, I'm fucking starving and you owe me noms," I growled, walking to the door and pushing it open.
"You better be nice to me Bella, I know what Edward is planning for tonight," she sung out.
My head almost turned completely around. If I was ten and had split pea soup shooting out of my mouth you'd swear I was Linda Blair.
"You better spill Alice, right the fuck now!" I threatened. "Or what just happened with the Slores, will seem like a cakewalk compared to what will happen to you!"
"Uh huh," she said ignoring me.
"Alice, so help me. I already know where to stash your body if I need to."
She raised her eyebrows and smirked. "You've got to promise to do two things for me first."
"Fine Alice, you can have the strap on, but I refuse to be on the other end."
She sighed and shrugged, "It's all the same to me Bella, if you would rather wait and be surprised that's entirely up to you."
Fuck. Underhanded little pixie.
"Name your price Alice."
"I don't want your money," she grinned. "I want you to admit you like him."
"What the fuck difference is it to you?"
"I like to live vicariously and you know you want to tell somebody!" she urged, nudging my shoulder as we got closer to her yellow Porsche.
"Unlike Edward with the very well hidden mangina, I don't need to giggle and clench with my 'besties' over who I am doing a friending experiment with."
"Friending experiment? What is this? Facebook?" she laughed. "Say it Zuckerberg. You're dating."
"Fine Alice, whatever. We're... dating."
"And you like him."
I nodded. Folding my arms.
"A lot?" she prodded.
"Oh for the love of fucking god Alice! I agreed to start dating him for fuck sake! I think that means I like him more than anyone else I have been with alright? Are you fucking happy now?"
"Very!" she squealed, doing a hop, skip kind of move. "Don't you feel better now?"
"Spiffy," I admitted sarcastically as we got in the car.
Though in truth, it felt nice to have someone who knew what the fuck was going on. I had never done the whole, girly, gossiping bullshit with anyone, but given that I was dating for the first time in my adult life, I needed a confidant.
"Thanks Alice," I mumbled.
"Anytime baby," she smiled patting my hand.
"What was the second thing you wanted?"
"Find out if he's got any single friends," she pleaded.
AN: So, there's obviously no sexing in this chapter* hides to avoid flying tomatoes *
I told you I couldn't promise every chapter;)
What will they do for their first experiment? Guesses?;)
Big thank you to all of you who voted in the Lemonade Stand poll! Sexy Silk was part of the Fantastic Four this past week! Woot! Huge smooches to MzB for her super sweet review!
* waves *
If you haven't been to 'Random Acts of Rob' I encourage you all do so- The site rocks and the ladies are awesome!
As always my beta is the freakin bomb- and I flove her!
Reviews are better than double dong strap ons;) And don't even think about trying to patent DWWF- It's mine bitches!:P
Edited to add: Since there has been some confusion: This chapter "DWWF" is an abbreviation for "Dirty Words with Friends"(the game Bella thought someone should come up with)-sorry about that.
Edited to add... again: Okay, just changed the whole chapter name lol! Thanks all for keeping me on my toes and asking questions! Appreciate it:)