I only really noticed what type of car we were in when we had been driving for a little bit. Some type of black Infinity SUV with tinted windows.
"What Bueller no Ferrari?" I joked, looking around the car.
"No Sloane, I decided to go with something less conspicuous," he answered, with a half-smile.
"Problem?"
"As long as that pussy Cameron isn't in the back hiding, I'm good."
He smiled wider and kept driving. I was trying to get my head together, but I ended up starting to fidget. I didn't fucking fidget. I watched as the streets of L.A. flew by beginning to wonder why I was suddenly nervous.
"Bella, since when do you bite your nails?" Edward's voice startled me. Even though we were sitting right next to each other. He had just gotten off the phone with his dad to arrange a meeting place for lunch.
I was about to tell him he was off his fucking nut, but that proved difficult since I was nom'ing on my pinkie nail.
"Are you nervous?" he questioned through a laugh.
"No, I just happen to have delicious fucking fingers," I replied lowering my hand, resting it my lap.
Why was I so fucking messed up today?
Oh right, because Edward thought this would be a great fucking time to introduce me to his father. While paps followed us around, so their pictures could confirm that I was actually his girlfriend instead of Edward's latest hit it and quit it, after we got caught grinding in a pool.
Fucking Hollywood screenwriters couldn't make this shit up if they tried.
"You're cute when you're nervous," he tried to compliment.
I let out a small huff. "I'm not nervous. I'm fucking hungry," I lied.
"He's going to like you Bella. You don't have anything to be nervous about."
"Edward, did we just meet? When the fuck have I ever worried about someone liking me?"
"I'd say now," he responded, stroking a line up the side of my hand and around the top of my pinkie. "Dad wants us to meet him at Vermont in forty, you okay with that place?" he continued.
"Why don't we just show up at the fucking Ivy and walk down Hollywood Blvd afterward? That might be less of a cliché," I laughed. Even though the place wasn't exactly a one stop celebrity photo op spot, it did have it's fair share of frequenters.
"It's close to the hospital and Dad likes it, " he tried to convince.
"This is your show Edward. I'm just along for the ride," I surrendered, knowing it really didn't matter where we met up, I was still going to have to deal with more shit than I knew what to do with.
We pulled into the back and left the car with the valet, while the same entourage of douches with cameras started snapping away again. I ignored most of them, but gave the overstepping one another glare of warning to keep his fucking distance. I gave him a smug grin when he cowered.
I cannot believe I am fucking doing this. This whole meet the family thing was beyond my realm of expertise, especially since we had photo whores trailing us.
I suddenly had an image of DeNiro telling me he was going to take me down to Chinatown.
The hostess informed us the Dr. Cullen had already been seated and that she would lead the way.
"Son! How are you?" Dr. Cullen greeted Edward as we made our way over to the back corner.
"I'm good Dad," Edward responded.
He whispered something like "it looks like you were more than good last night" as he pulled Edward into a half hug.
They both snickered quickly at the joke they thought I hadn't heard.
The dude was fucking making jokes about his son getting action.
"Where the fuck is the 'Ewww' file?" Pita grumbled. "I used to keep it next to the 'Fucked up Situations' file, but now it's gone missing and replaced with a bunch of pictures of today's bullshit."
"And you," he paused, "must be the young lady that has captured my son's full attention and apparently that of some gossip hungry photographers?" He gave me a small sympathetic smile.
"This is Bella, Dad." Edward introduced. "Bella, my father, Carlisle "
"Hello Dr. Cullen very nice to meet you," I greeted extending my hand.
"Please call me Carlisle, Bella. I have so many people call me 'doctor' during the day I forget my own name sometimes. It's nice to be reminded, especially by such a lovely girl," he responded giving my hand a light squeeze and a broad smile.
So the charming, smooth motherfucker gene was hereditary.
"Your name, your choice Carlisle," I assured, grinning.
Edward looked slightly surprised as he pulled out my chair. Wait what the fuck? He was pulling out my chair? This was new.
I was going to ask him where the fuck this newfound chivalry was coming from, but one glance at Carlisle and then at Edward gave me the answer. He was putting on the good boy act for daddy.
I tried my best not to laugh as Edward took the seat next to me, but ended up snickering.
"What's so funny, Bella?" Edward asked, though I knew he had already guessed. His tone was pleading with me not to rat his ass out.
I pursed my lips, but I was still smiling. I shook my head and looked at him, "Nothing, something completely unrelated."
"She was laughing at your attempt at gentlemanly behavior," Carlisle interjected. "You got caught groping her ass in a pool for god sakes, the jig is up Edward. The gentleman your mother and I raised vanished about the time you found my hidden collection of Playboy's and demanded we put a lock on your bedroom door," he chuckled lightly from behind a menu.
I looked at Edward, he was blushing like a fucking bitch. I started laughing hysterically to the point I was actually on the verge of tears. I had to reign it in because I was starting to get some what the fuck is wrong with her stares and how much did you let her have to drink before she came in here looks. Not that I gave a shit if I was bothering anyone, but I thought I was going to pass out if I continued.
We had barely been introduced and I could already tell that Carlisle was not the uptight doctor I feared he would be, and I was going to have tons of fucking dirt on Edward.
"Hell of an icebreaker Dad," Edward commented dryly. "You sure you wouldn't have rather told her about me spying on the Jensen's babysitter with a binoculars when she was changing?"
"Well, now what am I supposed to tell Bella over desert?" Carlisle quipped and winked at me.
"You'll just have to let the molten chocolate cake speak for itself," Edward muttered.
Our waitress made an appearance then, introducing herself and making suggestions before she took our drink orders and commented how lucky I was to be dinning with two incredibly dashing men.
"One of them is mine," Pita scoffed "Keep it in your fucking pants honey and try not to drool."
Carlisle asked only a few personal questions, keeping them light. About what my parents did, where I was from etc. I told him that Renee was a substitute teacher and Charlie was a retired police chief who had a pretty massive gun collection. I threw in the last part to get a rise out of Edward.
His eyes widened at my admission about Charlie and he swallowed hard. "That might have been something to mention about him before I got caught mauling you," he said, sounding slightly worried.
I just laughed. It's not like my dad was going to shoot him on sight, but I couldn't promise that he wouldn't be carrying around his Glock and scare the piss out of Edward while I wasn't looking. "I mauled you technically, so he can't blame you entirely." I smirked.
"Too late now son," Carlisle remarked, drawing us back to the table. "I'm sure he won't rough you up too bad. Of course if it was my daughter, I'd be..."
"Thanks dad," Edward responded cutting him off. "I think I've got the idea."
Carlisle actually spent most of our meal telling select stories from Edward's childhood. I watched Edward become increasingly more embarrassed with each one. It was funnier than hell that one of Cosmo's hottest thirty under thirty was getting his fucking boxers in a bunch over his dad telling stories about how he torched his sisters Barbie's.
"Didn't you watch the Smokey the Bear PSA's, Hollywood?" I goaded, laughing. "Fire is bad." He proceeded to feed me a third bite of the chocolate cake we decided to share.
"Hey, the fucker just said I could prevent forest fires," Edward defended. "He didn't say anything about lighter fluid or charring Rosalie's naked dolls." He ran his finger along the corner of my lips and swept off a smudge of chocolate that must have missed my mouth and licked it off his finger.
We were a fucking disgustingly sappy mush of a couple.
"Speaking of my anxious daughter," Carlisle started, "when are you going to be introducing Bella to her? I got an earful this morning about how it was completely unfair she wasn't allowed to be here."
I looked to Edward. "Why wasn't she?" I questioned.
Edward shook his head. "Trust me. Rosalie will be easier to handle when we're not trying to salvage your reputation."
If he was so fucking insistent on me meeting with is family, would it have been too much to fucking ask that I could meet them all at once?
"Edward, I'm sure she of anyone could appreciate this situation. Well, not the half-naked pool tonguing, but definitely the paparazzi are fucking parasites aspect," I retorted.
"Yeah, you're right. Maybe I'll invite her to the party next week," he mumbled and looked down.
"So Bella, Edward tells me you're in fashion?" Carlisle tried to divert.
"I'm a glorified gopher to a style assistant. Which makes me qualified to snag coffee, answer phones and if we're in a tight spot, drop off attire prior to award shows," I said smirking at Edward, hoping to get him out of whatever fucking set him off.
He broke into a bashful smile. Then took a sip of his drink while he knowingly raised his eyebrows at me.
"I don't think I want to hear the story behind those looks," Carlisle joked. "The pictures I saw this morning were more than enough," he said shaking his head. "Let me try this another way, you're from Washington," he stated. "What brought you to California?"
"Costume design," I answered, not wanting to go into details of my escape from bumfuck nowhere. "Obviously not where I ended up."
"Ah, funny how things work out differently than we planned. I wanted to be a boxer in high-school, but I wound up in the ER so often with one ailment or another and discovered another passion," he mused.
"Medicine," I concluded.
"No," he chuckled. "The candy stripers," he grinned mischievously.
I laughed. "Well, one candy striper," he corrected with a sad smile.
"No one could pull off that outfit like your mother," he said to Edward taking his drink and raising it. Edward gave me a sideways glance in apology. "Here's to beautiful women who change our paths and make us better men."
"To Mom," Edward smiled, raising his also.
"And to Bella," Carlisle added, clinking his glass with Edward's, as they both smiled at me.
Why would he be including me? I hadn't change shit in Edward's life, if anything he's changed more in mine.
We said our goodbyes and our let's do this again soons, before walking outside into the course the fucking paps were there in full force asking all kinds of stupid fucking questions that we both ignored.
**Sexy Silk**
Slut two had come back from leave early. Her firmer ass and flatter stomach made an appearance the following day, after I had returned from lunch. She was standing further down the hallway with Lauren, it looked like they were having a heated discussion.
Something told me I was going to have to put my bitch boots on and start kicking some jealous Slore ass.
Lauren had barely made eye contact let alone spoken a word to me all morning, which was seriously fucking surprising considering yesterday's events. Proof of my relationship with Edward was everywhere and the Hobag had seen the evidence first hand. I expected her to retaliate in some way, but her silent treatment was throwing me off.
As soon as I sat as my desk, Lauren made her way over to me.
"Hi Bella," she greeted timidly.
I eyed her for a minute, trying to figure out what the fuck her angle was. "Hey," I responded warily.
"So, I know that we haven't exactly gotten along in the past," she swallowed and looked ill, "but I just wanted to extend an olive branch and attempt to start over." She gave me a half-hearted smile.
Oh my fucking god.
"Cellophane wrap is less transparent than this bitch," Pita barked, folding her arms.
"Lauren! Why on earth are you talking to her like she's not some whore? You know the only reason Edward is claiming they're dating is because he's too much of a nice guy to admit that he slept with her out of pity!" Jessica spat, rolling her eyes.
I was about to tell her the only fucking thing that needed to be pitied was her and her plastic ass, when Lauren spoke up.
"I really don't think you should talk to Edward's girlfriend like that," she sneered, like she was going to grow claws.
Jessica had a look of "Oh no she didn't" etched on her face.
Shit. Whatever the fuck they had Lauren on I wanted some. Lots of it.
I knew why the fuck she was playing nice. If Lauren had mastered anything, it was how to kiss ass with the best of them. Now that I was suddenly the girlfriend of every girl's fucking wet dream, the lines were clearly being drawn and Lauren chose to take the insincere brown nosing route. I had to hand it to her, she was smarter than I gave her credit for.
I decided to humor her flip flopping ass. That whole saying about keeping your friends close and enemies closer seemed to be running on repeat in my head.
"Thanks Lauren," I said cautiously. "But I don't need you to defend me against jealous bitches. I can manage."
"You'll be history in a matter of days," Jessica lashed out. "Edward will wake up and realize that he's tired of slumming it with some lowly secretary and find a real woman to satisfy his needs."
"I guess that excludes you huh princess?"
"I could do things to him that you can only imagine," she responded smugly.
"Oh fuck no, the bitch did not just go there," Tulip yelled. "She wouldn't know what to do with Slugger if she had a copy of Sex for Dummies and a full-color fucking diagram."
"I'll remember that the next time he's fucking hoarse from moaning my name," I shot back.
"Like you know what the hell he wants? You're a novice and not even on the same playing field as him sexually," she goaded, and then smirked at me expectantly. I realized she was baiting me.
I now knew what her fucking game was. She was trying to trick me into telling her fucking details
about my sex life.
About Edward's sex life.
What the fuck? Was she writing a book or something?
"If anyone is going to write a fucking book it's going to be me bitch!" Pita yelled.
"Stanley, whatever Edward and I do or don't do isn't anyone's fucking business, least of all yours!"
"Whatever Bella. I'll bide my time until Edward comes to his senses," she responded walking away and out of sight.
"Too fucking bad you'll never come back to yours," I called down the hall after her.
Bitch was fucking crazy. Thank god I didn't own a damn pet rabbit I'd be afraid to go home and find it cooking on the stove.
"Jokes on her," Lauren pipped up again "Her ass looks even bigger than it did before and she won't be able to sit for a week."
"Lauren! Where the hell are you?" Tanya yelled from her office. Lauren's eyes got wide before she turned and ran to Tanya's door, waving at me. "I needed those receipts ten minutes ago!" Tanya yelled again as Lauren stepped inside and closed the door.
Fuck. After the bizarre shit storm of the last two days, maybe I fucking needed to take something too.
I had only been Edward's girlfriend for a little less than forty-eight hours and I was already feeling the effects of it consuming my life. I was always knee deep in fucking crazy bitches, but this had been taken to a whole new level.
I was surprised to find a note tapped to my door when I got home that evening. Probably another fucking flyer for water delivery. Stupid fucker comes to my door every five fucking minutes even though we're not supposed to have any solicitors and asks me if I am getting my water in the most economical way possible. I usually nodded and slammed the door.
I ripped it open and glanced at it, while I was on my way to the trash to throw it in, but I was stopped in my tracks. It wasn't from the fucking water douche. It was a notice from my landlord, telling me that because of multiple noise complaints and misuse of property amenities they would not be renewing my lease, which so fucking conveniently happened to expire next month.
Fuck me sideways with a rusty rake.
Add this to the fucking pile of shit that was my day. It was after five and I knew I would have to wait to scream at the bitches in the office. I knew I didn't have a leg to fucking stand on, but I had to put up some kind of fight.
Since when is pool humping an eviction worry offense?
I threw a couple of jelly beans into my mouth and walked onto my balcony, while I fingered my necklace and watched the sunset over the ocean, wondering what the fuck I had gotten myself into.
My fight with Morgan, the manager of the apartment building, lasted all of ten minutes. The bitch told me that because I had signed a lease that held me to certain terms and codes of conduct blah blah blah...I was fucked.
Stacey, the only decent chick in the place came up to me as I was leaving.
"I'm really sorry Bella, I don't know why this is such an issue for Morgan. I've seen teenagers messing around in the pool area all the time and she's never done anything," she informed me shooting a glare at Morgan's back as she strode away.
"Are you really dating Edward Cullen?" she asked excitedly, pushing back her long dark hair.
I swear to god if one more fucking person asks me that like they just took a helium hit, I was going to fucking lose it.
I put on my best I'm not extremely fucking annoyed by this question smile. "Yes."
She squealed. "Wow! I mean I saw the pictures and your name and everything, but I just couldn't believe it you know?"
"Thanks," I responded rolling my eyes.
"Oh, no! I mean not that he was dating you specifically, but that it was one of our tenants. I mean you'd think Morgan would be excited. She should use your pictures from the pool to advertise this place!" she yipped.
"Well, her loss," I responded heading out the door.
Every time I went outside, I felt like I needed to look around. Like someone was fucking watching me. I shook it off, knowing that I was just imagining shit and went back to my place to start boxing up my life.
**Sexy Silk**
I spent the next week or so frantically looking for a place, but with my tiny fucking budget, my options were limited. Luckily, like Edward had predicted, the pool slut tag died almost instantly. However, instead of the press losing interest, I became some sort of fucking anomaly.
The nobody that had somehow managed to settle down the Hollywood manwhore.
The rumors started flying. Every outlet had a different fucking idea of why Edward and I were together. There had to be some underlying fucking reason, because it sure as hell couldn't be that he actually liked me. Not when there was so many other Hollywood bitches to choose from.
My favorite is how he met me in rehab and we had bonded in our recovery. Well fuck me if I didn't think a stint in Betty Ford was appropriate now. I must have been on something to have gotten myself buried this fucking deep.
Edward had been busy acquiring a new publicist and the directors of his new movie had decided on a co-star and he was having a fucking party tonight.
My life should be so fucking rough.
To top everything off, I was supposed to be meeting Edward's sister tonight.
Rosalie Cullen-McCarty. Her issue of Maxim was their best-selling to date and she is supposedly the bitch of L.A. with an ego to match.
"Wait till she gets a load of me," Pita touted. "That bitch better not fuck with me, I am in no mood to deal with some air-headed walking blonde joke."
Edward's sister or not, if she fucked with me. She was going to get a fucking earful.
The house was filled with lots of fucking people I didn't recognize. A good portion of them were just holding up the walls and talking with each other and a few were dancing.
I like where you sleep,
When you sleep next to me.
I like where you sleep...here.
Our lips, can touch
And our cheeks, can brush
Our lips can touch here
The doors out to the back patio and pool were open, I noticed a few people milling out there also. Alice was standing near the kitchen and waved to me. I hurried over to her, grateful to find someone I recognized.
"Bella what are you wearing?" she gasped.
"Last time I checked they're called clothes," I retorted, noticing that she had on an shimmering, draped neck dress and killer heels.
I was wearing my skinny jeans, my blue Chucks and my tank that said "Trust me. I'm a ninja."
"Aren't you meeting Rosalie tonight?" she asked alarmed.
"That's the plan," I responded. She raised her eyebrow at me and looked me up and down with a look that said simply in that? "I don't think there is a fucking dress code for meeting your boyfriend's sister."
"I hope you're right about that, because you'd be violating it," she said taking a sip from her Heineken.
I rolled my eyes. "I've got bigger fucking issues than some nonexistent dress code."
She sighed. "Have you found a place yet?"
I shook my head. I told Alice that our pool bullshit had gotten me kicked out of my studio, but I didn't want to talk about it. "Have you met Jasper yet?"
"He hasn't gotten here yet," she whined. "I made a couple of calls to Maria for you."
Maria was Alice's friend who worked as a leasing agent at Alice's old complex. Alice insisted that maybe Maria could find me something quickly.
"Thanks for that. Have you seen Edward?
She nodded. "He's out by the pool. Grilling."
I laughed for the first time in days. "You're fucking kidding right?"
She gave me a half smile and pointed to the door. "Go look for yourself."
Edward would be the only douche in Brentwood that would throw a party that wasn't catered, let alone one where he was manning the meat.
If I would have left Edward to man his meat, I wouldn't be in this fucking mess.
"But then I wouldn't have met Slugger!" Tulip reminded. "And you can't pay me enough to go back to that pathetic silicone douche!"
Just like Alice said, he was standing out back by a huge fucking barbeque, looking so scarily suburban I had to hang back a minute to figure out if what I was seeing was fucking real. He was wearing ripped darkwashed jeans and a black T that said "I do all my own stunts" while flipping a burger and talking with Emmett.
I laughed and walked over to him. "This is false advertising," I said fingering the hem of his shirt.
"And I'm sure you've worked with Kurosawa," he quipped back staring at my chest, then pulled me to his side and kissed my temple.
"I could totally kick your ass Hollywood," I said playfully bumping my hip into his.
"You'd have to go through me, pint size," Emmett boomed from behind us.
"You need your body guard to protect you from your girlfriend?" I questioned Edward, turning to see Emmett.
"I do what's needed. I'm the man," Emmett spoke again.
"I'll need Japanese steal then," I teased, picking up the gnarly looking barbeque fork.
"Silly Caucasian girl likes to play with Samurai swords. Silly Rabbit," Emmett grinned and leaned over to grab a huge spatula.
"Trix are," I continued, pretending to poke at him.
"For kids," he laughed, hitting my fork with a clank. "I love that fucking flick." He sat his spatula back down and picked his cup back up.
"Yeah, Uma is one bad ass bitch."
"I think you could have taken her Bootylicious."
"Emmett! What have I told you about calling her that?" A shrill voice called.
And there was Mrs. Maxim herself. In a red Marc Jacobs dress, with her long blonde hair bouncing against her shoulders.
"My husband can be so immature at times, you'd think I was a damn pedophile. I'm Rosalie," she explained curtly.
At least she didn't assume I knew who the fuck she was.
"Bella," I replied taking her outstretched hand with perfectly manicured nails. "And I really don't have a problem with Emmett's nickname."
"Well, don't flatter yourself, he uses the same fucking term for Alba," she said through clenched teeth.
What the fuck? Oh right, the whole Alba rivalry.
"Their asses don't have anything on yours baby," Emmett complimented, trying to get himself out of the doghouse.
"You better not forget it either," she warned, thwacking Emmett on the back of the head.
"So, Bella what are your intentions with my brother?" she asked glaring at me. "Just going to get what you can out of him before you get bored and go onto your next meal ticket?"
Bitch wasn't wasting any fucking time with pleasantries.
"Well he's paying me through ten o'clock, so I'll do whatever the fuck he wants until then," I answered, pissed that she played the bitch card right off the bat.
"Get back motherfucker you don't know me like that." Pita growled.
I heard Edward snickering as he came up behind me. "You should have collected up front." Obviously, he hadn't heard the shit his sister was spewing.
"You planning on stiffing me?" I asked as he wrapped his arms around my stomach, while I glared at the blonde bitch.
"Later," he said quietly
"My pristine ears did not need to hear that," Rosalie complained.
"No one told you to fucking listen." I shot back.
Emmett looked really nervous. "I'm gonna go check on the grill."
"It's not like I can help it. You guys are standing right here." she responded, looking disgusted.
"If you weren't over here sizing me up, you wouldn't have had to."
"I'm just trying to guard him against gold-digging, pseudo celebrity wannabes. They're a dime a dozen."
"Rose!" Edward hissed.
I moved away from Edward and got into her face. I didn't give a fuck who she was or what the fuck she thought of me. I refused to put up with her holier than thou bullshit.
"Listen Blondie, I'm dating him despite his fame, not because of it and I make my own fucking way in the world and I don't put up with shit from anyone! Especially not people who question me like I'm some goddamned slutbag!" I raged, like the recovering addict I supposedly was. "I'm with your brother whether you fucking like it or not so you better get used to it really fucking quick or you and I are going to have a fucking problem."
"You're a rude, headstrong, little bitch," she responded, raising an eyebrow. Her insanely red lips curved up into a smile. "I think you'll fit right in."
"What the fuck, Rose?" Edward barked.
"What? I was just testing her, she passed," she smirked and put her hand on my shoulder, with a laugh.
"Totally unnecessary," Edward was still glaring at his sister.
"Oh, Edward she's a big girl and can obviously handle herself," she smiled patting me.
"You're lucky I didn't fucking smack you," I breathed out, starting to calm down.
"Don't take it personally, I'm his big sister," she tried to justify. "I have to rough up the newbie girlfriend, make sure she's fun and up to snuff."
I supposed if he was my brother I'd being doing the same thing. Fucking sibling relationships were bizarre shit. Thank god I was an only child.
"I heard you've been handling all your newfound attention well, bitching out paparazzi on your first time out. Nice," Rosalie complimented.
I rolled my eyes and laughed uneasily. "Hey, you have to show those fuckers who's in charge. Besides, they don't give a fuck about me."
"Welcome to my world," Emmett laughed, coming back over.
I supposed Emmett and I did have a lot in common, both of us thrown into the fucking limelight because of who we were with.
"Actually the rags find you pretty damn interesting. The girl who tamed the manwhore extraordinaire." she said through a giggle, shaking her head. "They think you have some amazing super power or something."
"The Invisible Woman has some awesome powers! Oh! I can call you Double S for Sue Storm! Or maybe just S.S.! It totally fucking works!" Emmett declared proudly.
"Yeah, I don't think I'm going to start making invisible fucking force fields though, Emmett," I replied.
I mean other than Stan Lee, who creates a girl who goes through a transformation and suddenly starts making fields of invisible energy to protect people?
Who would even read that? Maybe they'd throw in a telepath and a guy who could control people's emotions too. Give me a fucking break.
"I think Rosalie would have been so much fucking better for that role anyway. Her fucking rack alone trumps Alba's and she's younger." I added.
I had no idea why the fuck I was sucking up to Rosalie like I wanted her to go down on me, but I figured if the sister was happy, it couldn't hurt.
"I know you're just blowing sunshine up my ass bitch, but I think I love you," she smiled at me and smacked Emmett in the back of the head again, muttering something about scrotum removal.
My kind of bitch.
"Come on Beautiful, I'll get you a drink," Edward offered, rolling his eyes at Rosalie and leading me into the house. "Watch the grill for me Em," he called over his shoulder. "Get me one too!" Rose shouted.
"I'm really sorry about Rose, she means well, she's just a little psychotic," Edward apologized as we got to the door.
"If anyone can relate to psycho relatives it's me, remember?"
"Speaking of which, we need to arrange a little trip up north," he said handing me an open bottle of Sammy. He walked back into the pantry for something.
"Uh, yeah," I responded.
I had resigned myself to the fact that Edward really wanted to meet my parents, but this was definitely not the time to be doing that. I had to find a new place first before I could even think about the clusterfuck that would be Edward meeting Renee.
I at least needed to go shopping for earplugs first and a big fucking bottle of Grey Goose.
He was about to say something, when Alice ran into the kitchen. "Oh god Bella, he's so gorgeous and funny and he's got the most amazing eyes and it's taking everything I have not to drag him upstairs and..."
Edward came out from the pantry, laughing.
"Oh, hi Edward," she blushed, she hadn't seen him before she started going off about Jasper.
He waved causally back. "Hi, I take it Jasper is here? If not then I'll call and tell him never mind because you're obviously indisposed."
"Yes, about twenty minutes ago," she answered shortly. Shooting me a look of why the fuck didn't you say something?
"You were on a roll Alice, I didn't want to stop you!" I laughed. Not that I could have gotten a word in edgewise, it was like listening to my mother.
Jasper came around the corner. "Jesus Edward, you keeping all the women prisoner in here?"
"They both came under their own power. I can't help it if they're just naturally attracted to the hottest fucker here." he defended, while he and Jasper did some lame guy handshake.
"You lured me in here with promises of beer," I countered, taking a sip.
"So me being the hottest fucker has nothing to do with it?" he joked, putting his arm around me.
"No," I grinned. "I did it for the beer."
"Liar," he argued, trying to take my bottle and running light kisses along my neck to distract me.
"Well, since you already have that one wrapped around your finger." he noted, pointing at me. "I'm kidnapping this one," he said playfully grabbing Alice's arm.
"Nice to see you again Bella," Jasper waved.
Alice giggled and started to move away with him, but then turned her head to me. "Bella, I got a text from Maria and she said she'd be happy to meet with you next week and help you find a place. I'll text you with her number later."
I raised my beer. "Thanks Alice."
"Who's Maria and what place is she helping you find?"
"Alice's friend. She thinks they can find me an apartment quick, since I have about three weeks until I'll be living out of Coop," I chuckled.
"Why the fuck would you be living out of your car? What the hell is going on Bella?" he demanded, pulling back and looking at me.
What the hell was he getting so disjointed about? It wasn't his pretty boy ass that was going to have to move.
"There you are!" Emmett exclaimed. "Rosie wants to know what's taking you so fucking long with her drink."
"Fucking wait a minute Em," Edward warned and turned back to me. "Bella, what's going on?" he repeated.
I opened my mouth to tell him, but Emmett cut me off again. "Come on E, I can't go back out there empty handed, Rose will get all fucking pissy and I can't deal with her."
"Goddamn Emmett, just grab her something and.."
Victoria came into the kitchen then. "Emmett! How have you been?"
I rolled my eyes and made my way to the bathroom. Edward was busy and could find all this shit out later anyway. The downstairs bathroom had someone in it, so I went to one of the ones upstairs.
After I finished up, I realized I had never seen much of Edward's house, other than his bedroom and most of the downstairs. I wandered down the wide hallway and noticed a door cracked open so I decided to peek inside.
There was a fucking library up here?
It's a room with some fucking books and a piano, not exactly a library.
Why does everyone named Edward need a fucking piano? I half expected it to be sitting in a fucking field with sheet music strewn next to it. I swear I've seen that shit before.
I sat down and started fucking around on the piano. I had taken lessons for a couple of years, when I was kid, but I had no desire to keep going. My parents foolishly thought it was going to keep me balanced, whatever the fuck that meant. It was boring and I hated practicing.
It cut into my fucking cartoon time.
I was busting out what few notes to Fur Elise I could remember trying to figure out what the fuck I was doing with myself. How my list had now become all kinds of fucked up because I decided to add one thing to it. How I never in a million fucking years, thought I would be dating a celebrity. That I would be dating period.
I jumped when a hand landed on my shoulder. "Fuck! You scared the shit out of me." I yelped turning to see Edward standing there.
"You play?"
"Not well, I didn't have the patience while there was fucking Nicktoons I could be watching," I answered.
He laughed and took a seat next to me on the bench. "What's going on Bella? Why are you hiding out here?"
"I'm not hiding. I needed a break I've had a shitty fucking week," I responded, closing the cover of the piano.
"So why are you talking about living in your car?"
I laughed humorlessly. "Apparently, fucking around in the apartment's pool is against their stupid bylaws or something."
"So they kicked you out?"
"No, they just refuse to renew my lease, which happens to run out in three weeks," I corrected.
"That's bullshit Bella," he responded angrily.
"That's life Edward. They can pull their fucking power trip. I'll just find somewhere else."
"Why the fuck didn't you tell me?"
"And say what exactly? That because we got caught reenacting the end scene of Hackers that I not only lost any shred of privacy I had, but I also lost my fucking apartment too? What exactly were you going to do, Crash? Flash your fucking smile? Pay them off?" I questioned hotly.
"I can try to do something." He sounded defeated and guilty. I didn't wan't him to feel bad about things he couldn't control.
"I don't need you to fight my battles for me okay? I'm just moving, people do it all the time." I grabbed his hand and started playing with his fingers.
"You shouldn't have to give up shit to be with me. You love that apartment." he exhaled roughly, putting his free hand on my knee. "I already worry about you..." I could tell there was more he wanted to say, but I wanted to stop whatever he was thinking.
"Aww he worries about us?" Pita sighed. "What a cute misguided boy. I'd rip anyone to shreds who fucked with us, but it's nice of him to think he can help."
"It's just an apartment," I consoled. I mean I was pissed but what's done is done. There was nothing either of us could do. "When I end up living next to a crack house in south central, then you can worry." I smiled, patting the hand that was on my knee.
He looked horror stuck and didn't have a response. I, of course, started laughing at his reaction.
"It was a joke. This is the part where you're supposed to fucking laugh," I teased, trying to get him to relax. "Do you need cue cards? Because your ad-libing isn't really doing it for me."
He grasped my hands in his quickly. A serious, but calm expression spread across his face and a small grin tugged at his lips. "Move in with me."
"What?" I asked hoping I misheard him.
"WHAT?" Pita screamed. "Where the fuck is the manual for this?" She started rooting around in her shelves, pulling out all kinds of books, "Here it is!" she yelled. "'Answers for Stupid Questions My Boyfriend Asks Me.' Yep the answer is right here: Hell fucking no!"
"Move in with me," he repeated, more like a question this time.
Oh holy fucking hell. He was serious.
"Edward, we've been dating for a month. I think there is some type of law that people don't move in together that fucking fast."
"I'm sure that's right up there with Grand Theft Auto," he muttered, rolling his eyes.
"It's just not who I am. I'm not roommate material," I explained.
"Especially not this fucking soon," Pita added, wanting to throw her book at him.
"I seemed to remember you saying that you didn't do dates either, Burn," he winked.
I rolled my eyes under my lids and took a deep fucking breath so I wouldn't call him an epic idiot.
"Think about it for a second," I tried to reason. "Do you really want a box a fucking Tampax under your sink or..." I was trying to think of other girlie shit I owned. "or a bunch of fruity fucking lotion on the counter top?"
"As long as I can have the girl who uses them in my bed every night."
God damn did he have to be so fucking sweet? I swear he was giving me a cavity by default.
"I snore," I muttered.
"You do not." he countered.
"You'll annoy the shit out of me," I tried to caution.
"I already do," he pointed out.
I laughed lightly, pushing on his chest.
"You'll start pissing with the door open." I argued, trying to regain my upper hand.
"What?" he laughed. "What kind of argument is that?"
"It's not an argument, it's a fucking fact. If you live together you start getting comfortable. I'll get annoyed when you squeeze the fucking toothpaste from the middle. You'll get pissed when I use your razor to shave my legs and shit will just spiral from there."
He stared at me blankly. "I'm not following the logic. You're worried about our hygiene habits?" he snickered.
"No, I just don't think it's a good idea."
"Why not Bella? I have all this fucking space and it'd be really nice to have someone to share it with."
"Have you thought about getting a dog?" I suggested, trying to get him thinking about something else.
"Do you want to get a dog?" he questioned, smirking.
"No," I shook my head. I knew what he was doing and I wasn't going to fall for it. "You're missing the fucking point, either that or you're acting stupid on purpose."
"I wouldn't know the first fucking thing about acting stupid. You'd have to talk to Hanks. Stupid is as stupid does, remember?" he quizzed.
"Okay Forrest, just don't start comparing us to fucking peas and carrots."
"How about chocolates?" he grinned.
"You'd be the one with fucking nuts. Because you're crazy if you think us living together is even remotely sane."
"I think I could convince you, at the very least I could convince Tulip." he responded, and flashed the panty dropper.
"All major decisions go through me anyway," Tulip assured, "give me the good stuff, and I'll convince the fucking librarian upstairs."
"Am I the only one with any fucking sense in this madhouse?" Pita sneered. "We're not making big decisions based on your obsessions with Slugger and his 'extended family.'"
"Manipulating Tulip won't help your case, even she isn't that fucking crazy." I warned.
"I'm taking that as a challenge." he returned, his lips brushing along my cheek and his hand traveled down my hip.
His lips began moving slowly against mine, slow and sweet and so incredibly good. I tried to get into it, but my brain was just in over drive.
I realized that the last time we had fucked around was the night we go caught in the pool, my body froze and I pulled away.
"What's wrong Bella?"
"I just can't really relax, considering the last time we were fucking around we ended up on the cover of Star, and I was labeled as the rehab rebound."
Realization dawn across his face. "I can assure you none of those parasitic assholes are here, and Esme is putting her plan in motion to put all of that behind us."
Esme was his new publicist, she came highly recommended by Victoria and she was supposedly a master at what she did.
"I know," I answered shaking my head. "I just can't shake the feeling that we're never really alone. It weirds me the fuck out."
"Everybody is downstairs, it's just us okay?"
I nodded, willing myself to calm down.
I didn't like all the fucking feelings coursing through me. I was having trouble sorting some of them out. There was definitely a large part of me, that was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was getting kicked out my place, my new boyfriend was asking me to live with him and I still felt a little part of me, nagging me not to trust him.
The other part of me, namely Tulip, was urging me to drop my fucking baggage at the door and just enjoy what the fuck we were doing.
Bitch had a point, it's not like a fucking camera crew was going to come out of the damn wall. Even though my dream had been fucking me up, I decided to let it go.
"It was only just a dream," Tulip started singing.
I started kissing Edward back, remembering that I was not some insecure little bitch. I wasn't going to let all the shit that was thrown at me over the last week fuck up my life more than necessary.
"You know any other woman wouldn't need to be convinced to move in with me," he teased. Kissing down my neck, while he picked me up and sat me on his lap.
"I'm not any other woman," I reminded, tugging on his earlobe with my teeth. I slowly trailed my tongue down his jaw and then to his mouth.
I started to really relax, our tongues and lip motions sped. I felt Edward's hand come up under my bra , his thumb sweeping over my nipple.
He pulled his mouth away, and looked at me intensely. "That's why I..."
This time we both froze, realizing that there were quick footsteps coming down the hall.
"E, man, where the fuck are you?" Emmett's voice boomed from down the hall.
Edward rolled his eyes "I'll be down in a minute Emmett," Edward yelled. "King fucking cockblock," he muttered under his breath.
I laughed quietly, while Edward continued to feel me up, and I kissed around his face.
"Dude! Is Bootylicious with you? I can't find her and Rose wants to talk to her," he said coming into the room.
His eyes widened. "Whoa, looks like I missed the main event. I guess the best action of this lame party was going on up here," he joked, pretending to avert his eyes. I quickly fixed my shirt, but I stayed on Edward's lap.
"Get your ass downstairs Emmett!" Edward roared, glaring at him.
"You guys are like horny fucking teenagers!" he said backing out of the room, laughing hysterically.
"I guess that's our cue to head back down," I said, kissing him one more time and getting off his lap.
"Can you at least promise to think about it?" Edward asked as we left the room, "moving in I mean?"
Even though I knew it was way too fucking fast and I had no intention of adding it to my list, I agreed.
I could at least think about it.
"What the fuck is there to think about?" Tulip exclaimed. "We would have nightly access to Slugger!
"You're such a slut," Pita scolded. "There is more to life than cock!"
"Really? Do you even hear yourself sometimes?" Tulip responded, huffing. She held up a sign that said "Slugger or Bust"
"I could give you a tour, maybe it'll encourage you to think faster," Edward offered.
I glared at him. "You ever heard of the term, 'no pressure'?"
"Sorry, not familiar with it."
"Smart Ass."
He started leading us towards the stairs, but we both stopped when we heard a thunk against a closed door.
We both looked at each other, and then we heard the thunk again. "What room is that?" I asked quietly.
"A guest room," he whispered back getting closer to the door.
There was another thunk against it, and then giggling. I recognized it immediately. "Alice," I mouthed to Edward.
His mouth dropped open. I heard a man mumbling things too. "Jasper" Edward mouthed back, with a smirk, shaking his head and started looking at his watch. "Forty five fucking minutes," he growled quietly. "It took the asshole forty-five minutes."
This was so unfucking fair. If Emmett could come up and interrupt us, I sure as hell wasn't going to allow anyone else to get some if I couldn't. I raised my fist and was going to bang on the door and yell to Alice that she was not getting a chance at a real live Jaspgasm, but Edward grabbed my arm.
"No," he whispered. "You can't do that to them."
"Why the fuck not? If anyone should be getting some action it should be us!" I whispered back. "Do you really want Jasper's spunk anywhere in your guest room?"
He rolled his eyes. "What if Emmett would have come up any sooner on the night of the Globes?" he asked letting the question hang in the air.
"I would have told him to wait his goddamned turn and told him I hope he enjoyed sloppy seconds!" I retorted.
He glared at me, but he had a crocked grin. "You know what I mean."
I did understand what he was saying. There's really no way to know for sure, but in all likely hood Edward and I would have never gotten together if Emmett would have pulled his same bullshit from a few minutes ago on the night of the Globes.
I wouldn't be going through any of this shit, with the apartment, and the bitches at work, but I also wouldn't know Edward really, or feel about him the way I do. Knowing what I do now, I would have killed any motherfucker that would have messed it up.
And even though that thought scared me, I made my way slowly away from the door, linked my hand with Edward's and walked back down the stairs.
I suddenly felt like an extremely lucky bitch.
A/N: I know, I know, another chapter with no schmexing...sorry, I couldn't fit it in here. It will be back- like it always is;)
I wanted to say MANY MANY THANKS to all those that voted in the Sunflower Awards! Sexy Silk took home Best Humor and Best Lemon Pie! You guys rock and I am totally floored-even a week and a half later.
It has also made it to the second round of voting in the Avant Garde Awards for Best Lemon- even though I have no idea how-lol. Thank you for all those who voted it through:) You have until June 26th to vote in round two!
www(dot)avantgardeawards(dot)com
As always your reviews either crack me up or make me write faster- sometimes both. Sorry I cannot write everyone back, but I do read them all and take suggestions when they are given as much as I can. ;)
My beta is the best and I bow down to her awesomeness and can never thank her enough.
"'Crash' Override" & "Acid 'Burn'" are hacker handles, from the movie (duh) Hackers. (1994)
The "Trust me I'm a ninja" tank along with the "I do all my own stunts" tee can both be found on Cafepress.
The song at the party is by Hellogoodbye and it's called "Here (in your arms)"