"You!" I yelled.
It was that asshole Caffy, snapping away with his fucking camera.
I was already fucking seething over the...the...
"Renegade splooge luge," Pita offered.
"Super spunk powered egg invasion," Tulip chimed in.
"Bella, Bella, Bella," he said shaking his head and looking at the ground briefly. "Tell me it's not true."
"Yes, it's true," I paused. "You're still a pathetic ass moron with no life. How very fucking sad for you!"
I did not need to be doing this shit with him right now. Thank fuck he didn't know what office I was coming out of.
He chuckled darkly, "I meant the baby on board." His eyes roamed over me like he was trying to spot something.
"Motherfucking shit. He used the "B" word," Pita hissed. "Keep cool! He's fucking bluffing."
I stared at him raising my eyebrow, not giving anything away. Even though I wanted to kick the fucking shit out of him, Edward, and anybody with a dick within a three mile radius. I had just enough rationality left to realize that would only add to my fucking headache.
"Give me a fucking break you epic moron! Even you aren't stupid enough to believe that HL bullshit," I argued, managing to keep my voice level.
"You expect me to think you going to the doctor is entirely coincidence? I wasn't born yesterday."
His creepy fucking grin spread over his face and he lowered his camera to look at me.
"Then your shrimp sized dick must be a real set back, Asswipe." I shimmied past him and closer to my door.
"If you weren't expecting, I'd let you find out just how off your dick measuring skills are sweetheart." He winked and stepped in my path, effectively blocking me.
"He wanted to live for how much longer?" Pita snarled.
The soon to be dickless motherfucker was an inch away from losing his life and had no fucking idea.
"I left my magnifying glass at home," I barked. "But my guess is, you'd be lucky to need a pair of fucking tweezers to jerk that pint sized pecker."
"That kid is the only thing that's pint sized," he snapped back, his eyes narrowing as he took a step closer. His camera was all but forgotten, as he looked me over again as he licked over his lip.
"You need to back the fuck off," I cautioned, my voice wavering. I could hear my phone ringing in my purse.
"That wasn't a denial," he returned smugly. "I'm feeling generous tonight. I'll still consider letting you find out what you're missing out on. We can put that fiery mouth to good use." He tried touching my face, but I flinched away.
"Excuse me while I fucking gag," Pita retorted.
"I'd rather lick the bottom of a bathroom stall at LAX, Pinky dick!" I spat, wanting to get the fucker as far away from me as possible.
He glared at me, but there was still a hint of levity to his voice. "Cullen's not worth destroying that hot body over." He was now leaning up against my driver's door. "He's a fucking tool and any kid he has is going to be a tool too. Better to take care of it now."
"Did he just suggest we get an...an?" Pita snarled, unable to articulate words.
"Shma-shmortion?" Tulip gasped. "Who the fuck does he think he is?"
"When I want relationship advice from an overgrown parasite, I'll call you dickweed. Now, step the fuck away from me and my car!"
"Warning! Assholes in mirror are closer than they appear!" Pita growled.
Charlie had conspired with Edward to get me to put pepper spray in my purse. I rolled my eyes at the time, but instinct was telling me I was going to have to use it. I casually slipped my hand in my bag and flicked off the safety.
Caffy's demeanor suddenly shifted, his anger showing through and his pathetic seduction attempt abandoned.
He gripped my left arm tightly. "The only parasite here is that thing taking up a prime space because Cullen was stupid enough not to double bag!" he yelled and motioned towards my stomach with the free hand.
"Did he just call the baby a fucking parasite?" Pita screamed. "The only fucking parasite here is him."
I was seething. Not only was he fucking touching me, he just compared the baby to his pathetic sub-existence. Even though I wasn't fucking happy that I was knocked up, the comparison and all the unresolved anger I was feeling made me snap.
"Or was it McCarty?" he continued irately, not noticing my actions. "Rosalie and Cullen have been busy, I wouldn't blame you if...
His ridiculous bullshit was cut off by a fucking yell as the pepper spray hit his eyes.
"Choke on that you stupid fuck!" I screamed, kicking him as he doubled over wiping at his eyes and yelping like a bitch.
"You little slut! What the hell is the matter with you?" He lunged at me, but missed and I took the opportunity to punch him in the mouth.
"Is this a clear enough fucking message that I want nothing to do with your ass? That you have no fucking power over me? That if you so much as breathe near me again, I'll slap a restraining order against you?"
"This is assault," he coughed weakly, backing away.
"You haven't begun to see assault. You better take my fucking advice and leave me alone, or I will cut off your fucking testicles and make you eat them for lunch!" I screamed, landing a knee to his balls.
"Some fava beans and Chianti would be a nice addition to testicle tartare," Pita affirmed.
He only groaned in response, desperately wiping at his eyes as he tumbled over.
I ripped the camera off his fucking neck and slammed it to the ground, pieces of it flew everywhere. He let out an exaggerated yell when I stomped on his hand and dug the heel of my foot in.
"You tell anyone about this and everyone will know you got your ass handed to you by a girl, shrimp dick!" I warned through clenched teeth, kicking him in the ribs.
"A pregnant girl," Pita amended quietly.
"And if you ever compare my baby to your pathetic ass again I wont think twice about fucking breaking you in half!" I added, kicking him one last time.
I was shaking as I got into Coop and pealed out of the lot, being careful not to back over him, even though I really would have liked to. I thought it'd be better to leave him suffering, knowing he just got the shit kicked out of him by a girl.
"A pregnant, kick-ass girl," Pita piped up again.
I had no idea where the fuck I was going, what I was doing, everything was a complete fucking mess. I drove for at least an hour. I knew I was in Santa Monica, but didn't recognize any of the streets.
I was so incredibly mad. Someone had seriously fucked up on the job. I was not caretaker material and now here I was...
"A human incubator," Pita filled in, avoiding the p word again.
All of this happened so goddamned fast. In six months, he had managed to completely change my life into something entirely unrecognizable. Even a twelve step program couldn't help me now, let alone a list.
Do they have a rabbit killers anonymous?
"It's not a disease or an addiction," Pita reminded.
"It was an addiction to Slugger that got us into this mess in the first place!" Tulip raved. "We should have gone to Slugger addicts anonymous."
My hand was aching and gripping Coop's wheel wasn't helping. Thank fuck Charlie taught me how to throw a punch so I hadn't broken it, but it still hurt and I needed some ice.
My stomach growled, giving another reason to pullover.
Which I did, but I couldn't bring myself to move or get out. For the first time in my entire life, I felt fucking helpless. I turned off the car and just sat there trying to get some kind of handle on the last twenty four hours.
The adrenaline and the anger was being consumed by desperation. I was screaming and throwing shit haphazardly around my car. Everything I could fucking reach was thrown against the windows or in the backseat. My hand hurt like a motherfucker, I was starving and exhausted. I wanted to beat the shit out the next person I saw, but also wanted to crawl into bed and just lay there for days.
Fuck. Aren't women normally supposed to be happy about this? Not homicidal or bordering on the edge of insanity?
Pita whispered to Tulip. "Is this fucking normal?"
Tulip shrugged. "I've got no fucking clue. I'm just some skin with a tube and happy button."
"You're about to have a lot more responsibility than that, Button girl." Pita replied.
Shit like this doesn't happen to me.
I am not that stupid fucking girl who gets herself in this situation. I had a list.
I had control.
Now, I have none. It flew out my fucking bedroom window in Forks.
Hell, even before that. It was gone on the night of the Globes. All the concessions I had made led me to this moment, that was just the last fucking piece of it.
My phone rang again, but I knew I wasn't ready answer it.
Edward.
I wondered how the fuck he would take this. We'd only been dating for a few months, living together for less. I had no idea if he even fucking liked kids, let alone wanted one.
"It's a little bit late for that now," Pita reminded."You're already 'for shitz up the spout.'"
"You should have been on top! Slugger's kid pudding wouldn't have had a prayer! It's just gravity." Tulip scoffed, semi-irritated.
Was it too late to hang myself with a liquorice rope? I should check the Pennysaver. I'm sure there would be thousands of fucking people who wanted a kid who shared the same DNA as Edward. The same fierce green eyes, the funky colored hair, the crooked smile, his borderline paranoia, undeniable charm and wicked good looks.
"It could look like you," Pita reminded. "Or act like you."
Holy shit. I had a flash of long dark hair, deep brown eyes and a pink pouty lips on a small sweet face. Then I saw the little thing screaming and plotting to cut the break-lines on my fucking car because I refused to buy her a trampoline.
I shivered. Fuck, there were too many variables.
Slugger and Tulip had played fucking Yahtzee and the results of that game were growing inside me. There was no way to know what the outcome would be, but it was a pretty safe bet that at least three of the dice were going to land on six.
I just hoped it wouldn't bust out of me Alien style, leaving me a twitchy fucking corpse.
"I think Tulip would have to..." Pita started.
"Oh no! No no no no no NO!" Tulip screamed. "I refuse. There is no fucking way I'm doing that! You can't fucking make me. There's no amount of vaginal reconstructive surgery that would make me look normal again!"
And if I wasn't freaked the fuck out before, I sure as hell was now.
There were so many things to think about. The complications of this were endless and I didn't have a clue how to sort any of them out.
Was it even right to raise a kid in this crazy fucking city? In this insane life? Where the fucking parasites would be shanking and fighting each other to get shots of our kid. I couldn't even go to the doctor without that asshole pap finding me.
What hope did I have of keeping anything a fucking secret? Even a fucking smear site had stumbled ass backwards into the real events of my life.
There would be so little anonymity for this baby because of who its father is. I had no idea how the fuck to be a mother, let alone a mother to a kid that would be in a fucking fishbowl from birth.
"The kid's probably no bigger than a seed and you just went fucking Jet Li on the asshat who threatened it," Pita reminded. "The rest of them won't stand a fucking chance."
Thank god I wasn't a celebrity or we might really have a fucking Brangelina or Tomkat mess going on.
"Individual names were so 2002," Pita informed. "Oh, you two would be Bellward!"
Shoot me now.
I wondered if it would have been better to be knocked up by a spaghetti eating stoner with man boobs. At least if I screwed up with that kid, the entire fucking world wouldn't be watching and judging me.
I started to think I should have stayed in Forks with Jake. That would have been ten times simpler than the mess I currently found myself in. Why the fuck did I even bother to leave if this was going to happen anyway?
"You didn't love Jake," Pita reminded. "You wanted a life less ordinary. You signed on the dotted line, initialed in three spaces, and sealed the deal by falling in love and getting knocked up with a movie star's baby. If that wasn't the complete opposite of ordinary, I don't know what is."
"You always have to be right don't you?" Tulip argued with Pita. "At least we had fun when Slugger came up to bat. Can't say the same for pencil dick. Fucker was lucky if he even got to first base most times."
The irony was, in Forks, there'd be no question of paternity. As far as the readers of Hollywood Life were concerned, this was Emmett's kid.
I laughed. I laughed until my stomach muscles hurt more than my hand, until it looked like I had escaped from a fucking mental hospital. It was so fucking insane, it sounded like something off a damn soap opera.
"Someone call the doctor, got a case of a love bipolar," Pita sang quietly, doing the crazy person sign and rolling her eyes.
"At least you won't be pms'ing like a bitch for a while," Tulip shrugged.
Maybe this is what caused my mother to have a fucking screw loose? Nine months of hormones, stretching, pissing every five seconds, eating like you have a fucking hollow leg and packing on
pounds like Zellweger for those Bridget Jones flicks. How the fuck are there still sane women out there who went through all that?
How the fuck was I supposed to go through all that?
My phone rang again.
I let it ring. I knew I really should call him back, even though I had no idea what to fucking tell him. It definitely was not a conversation to have over the phone.
Or sitting at Geisha House in Hollywood. At least my baby daddy had a real career and wasn't trying to launch a fucking Mr. Skin knock off.
"Though he does spend a lot of his time looking at boobs and bush," Pita joked.
"I am a motherfucking flower, not a bush! Learn your vegetation!" Tulip barked.
Jesus, what if he didn't want it? I knew he fucking loved me, but that didn't guarantee anything. It didn't mean he was going to be all fucking ecstatic over a kid.
"It's not like you did this alone. His super powered nut juice played a role," Pita argued.
Not that I could fucking blame him. How was this going to affect his career? Or mine for that matter? Twenty-four hours ago I was fucking outraged over the job offer with Irina because it felt like a handout and now I had been handed something exceedingly more important.
My stomach growled again, reminding me that I was still fucking starving. It felt like my stomach was going to eat itself if it didn't get something quick. Or starve the kid. Was that fucking possible? The thought scared the shit out of me. I'd only been a tot hothouse for a few weeks and I was already screwing it up.
"I hope In-n-Out is okay with you kid, because that's where we're going."
I sat in the drive-thru hoping that once I got the animal style fries and the double double into the car the smell wouldn't upset my stomach.
The girl at the window looked at me sideways a couple of times, while I handed her the money and waited.
She started to give me that you look fucking familiar look, but I didn't have time for her to play the where do I know you from game right now. Especially with all the shitty things that were being said about me. One of those pimply faced fuckers might actually spit on my food or something, in which case, I would have to kill them. She quickly handed over the bag and I took off like a felon, trying to breathe through my mouth. It was only when I pulled over a little further away that I ventured to inhale.
It smelled like fucking heaven inside my car. Heaven smothered in fucking cheese, sauce and onions.
I tore into everything. Chewing was sporadic, I might have detached my jaw. I didn't fucking know, but it was so amazing, I actually moaned. I didn't think I could be on the cusp of cumming from food.
In-n-Out was always fucking good, but this was like I was eating it for the first time. A born again In-n- Out virgin.
"Isn't that your fucking cue, you noisy twat?" Pita prodded.
"I've got nothing," Tulip shrugged.
I licked my fingers clean and wiped my face. I didn't have to worry about my stomach anymore, which made everything else forgotten by the bliss of juicy cheesy goodness come back.
I had been sitting in my car losing my fucking mind, trying to figure out how to cope with being...pregnant.
Even the fucking word was frightening.
"Oh good you finally got it!" Pita exclaimed, jumping up.
"BFD," Tulip grumbled. "Doesn't make it any less fucked up."
At least I knew the kid wasn't going to starve, but I still didn't have any fucking answers. My hand still hurt and Edward still had no fucking clue what was going on.
Did I even have to say anything?
"You might want to give him a clue as to why you are repeatedly kicking him in the balls when you see him," Pita informed.
"Let him wonder," Tulip countered. "Not like we're going to fucking touch him again after this. I'm not going to explain shit to Slugger while I beat the fuck out of him."
I drove back to the house, listening to the calmest music I had, trying to figure out what the fuck I was going to say. Or if I was going to say anything.
The house was completely dark and empty when I got there, the sensor light in the foyer came on
so I had some light, but it was still unnerving. I thought for sure he'd be waiting by the front door, ready to go completely fucking crazy on me for disappearing.
After getting some ice for my hand and searching most of the house, realizing he really wasn't there, I sank into the couch and tried to get my thoughts together a little more. The last thing I remembered thinking about was a copper haired little boy with a set of bright jade eyes and small crooked grin streaking past me at lightening speed yelling at me to "catch up."
I woke up with a start trying to figure out where the hell I was. Realizing I had fallen asleep on the damn couch. Again. Damn couches and their padded cushions were like a fucking sedative. I sat up, and rubbed my eyes. The ice pack had completely thawed so I knew I had been out a while.
The clock on the microwave said it was almost eleven. I had been asleep at least two hours and Edward still hadn't appeared. Something wasn't adding up, he seemed so intent on getting ahold of me a few hours ago and now he was MIA.
What if he found out the baby and fucking panicked?
"You mean like you?" Pita reminded.
No. There'd be no way for him to know. He's probably just out with Emmett.
I was going for my phone when something on the table caught my eye. A small purple box with a note addressed to me. Had that been here the whole time? I snatched up the note.
For My Beautiful Girl,
Mom always used to call Rose and I her "pair of hearts." I never knew what that meant until today-
"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."-Elizabeth Stone.
I know we didn't actually decide to do this together but now that we have, please...
I carefully opened the box there was a thick interwoven chain bracelet with a blue sapphire heart charm hanging delicately from it.
A tiny note underneath it read. Look after my heart, I've left it with you.
I took breath, trying to stifle the damn tears. That must mean he is okay with this. I didn't even know if I was fucking okay with it or could be okay with it, and he was asking me to take care of it, like he already loved it.
I felt my heart splinter and my stomach twist. Why the fuck was this so difficult for me and so easy for him?
"It's a collaboration of the two of you! What's not to love?" Pita sniffled, and hiccuped reaching for another tissue.
"Hey! Slugger and I definitely played prominent parts," Tulip argued, miffed. "I demand top billing though. A Tulip and Slugger Production works for me."
It was a part of him. Even though I had been epically fucking pissed, I knew I still loved him. All of him.
Even the unscripted extra that was going to be making an appearance on set in about eight months or so.
I quickly checked my voicemail hoping to get a clue as to where Edward was, and finally talk to him.
Bella, it's me please call me when you're...done at the doctor's
Another one.
You should have been home by now or at least called. Where are you?
And one from two hours ago.
I'm coming to fucking find you. Please don't...just fucking call me, Beautiful.
The most recent one.
Bella. I'm tired of fucking talking to your voicemail, but since you refuse to answer or can't...
Shit...I know about the baby okay...and I don't know where you are or why you...can't talk to me about it, but I need you to fucking call me or text me...anything. I love you.
Goddammit! Stupid irritating tears.
This isn't going to be a regular fucking thing is it?
If it was possible I felt even fucking worse. The hiccupy, heaving, snot-sobbing thing wouldn't stop.
Before I could think too much about it, I was calling him. He didn't answer.
Fuck. What the hell had I done? He seemed so fucking desperate in those messages and now he wasn't answering. He was out there driving around trying to fucking find me, probably thinking I've skipped the country.
I was a colossally fucking stupid pregnant girl.
I had to find him and talk to him. To grovel at his damn feet and tell him what a gigantic fucking idiot I had been for not coming home sooner. For not figuring out how fucking amazing he was sooner. How much I fucking loved him sooner. I could blame this on Pita and hormones right?
I grabbed my keys and my purse, trying to call Emmett while I raced out the door, hoping that he was still with Edward.
I turned from the door to see the Vanquish in the driveway.
He had just gotten out and was staring at me. He looked like he had been through the fucking ringer and my heart lurched because I knew I had caused it.
I ran and practically tackled him. In fact, I would have if he hadn't caught me.
"God I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry." I cried. "I was so fucking mad at you and then that asshole was there and he started saying all this bullshit so I beat the hell out of him and then I was starving and I didn't know what the hell to say to you and..."
Oh Jesus. I had just let off a fucking full on Renee Swan babble.
He silenced me with a kiss. A kiss that caused me to melt into a proverbial puddle, my heart to slam in my chest and time to fucking stop. It was the fucking Notebook kiss, except we weren't soaked.
I didn't open my eyes when he pulled his lips away. I leaned my cheek into his hand that was resting on my face and covered it with mine. "Please tell me I didn't just do that," I asked through panting breaths.
"You mean ramble incoherently like your mother?" he teased softly, his sweet and spicy breaths brushing my cheek.
"Yeah," I sighed, knowing I definitely had.
"No, you didn't."
"Thank god," I smiled weakly, opening my eyes. They instantly met his tired, but relieved brilliant green ones.
"Where the hell did you go after you made Caffy your bitch?" he questioned worriedly.
I shook my head, feeling the guilt slam back into me. "What? How did you know it was him?"
"I saw him sitting in the back of an ambulance in the parking lot at the medical complex. Fucker had the nerve to call the police and claim you assaulted him."
"Dead man fucking walking," I huffed. Shrimp dick obviously didn't learn his damn lesson.
"When I found out that he fucking touched you and what he said to you...I almost fucking killed him," he admitted. "I should have gone with you."
I could feel his entire body tense harshly. "Hey, I took care of him," I reassured, kissing his cheek. "I may need a lawyer and a shank though."
He cracked a smile. "No, you won't. They charged him with harassment. Security tapes caught him grabbing you. You won't have to worry about him anymore."
"Damn, no more punching bag," I complained, but I was kid of relieved I wouldn't have to fight with the fucker anymore.
"Emmett's pissed you got to him first," Edward continued, smiling a bit more. "Where did you go...?" He asked placing me back on my feet. "After?"
"Out of my fucking mind," I answered, slightly ashamed.
"Then we were in the same place." His stare was boring into me, I knew I had put him through hell by disappearing.
Cue the guilt. "I'm sorry, I should have come back or called I was kind of homicidal about..." I trailed off.
"The baby?" he filled in, tentatively. His lips twitched, threatening a smile that he held back.
I squinted my eyes at him. "How did you know?" I asked, still kind of in shock over him knowing before me.
He shook his head in exasperation. "That's a long story," he replied, his hand pushing his hair back, his eyes landed on the bracelet that I was still holding.
"That's the second present you've opened without me," he sighed, putting the bracelet around my wrist.
"So you're alright with...all of this?" Wasn't he the one who was supposed to be heading for the fucking hills?
"What?" I could hear the challenge in his voice and see the smirk on his lips."You're going to have to be more specific."
I was laughing and glaring at him at the same time. "That one of your spunk soldiers outmaneuvered my birth control and tricked my egg into thinking he was just there to 'inspect the area,'" I responded satisfied.
"Biology wasn't your strong suit was it?" he quipped.
"Smart ass," I mumbled, continuing to glare at him non-threateningly.
"You're asking me," he paused snaking his arms around my back, and pulling me against him. "If I'm alright with the woman who owns me in every way, who I love insanely and unconditionally, if her being the mother of child and giving me the most amazing thing on the planet is alright?"
He put his hand up under my shirt and splayed his fingers across my stomach. "Yeah, I think I'm alright with that."
My breath caught in my throat, and the stupid tears started up again.
"Jesus, please don't cry," he begged looking alarmed." I know this is a lot to handle. And I know you didn't want this, and it's not what you planned, but..."
He was so fucking cute when he was flustered. He sounded like a little kid who was looking for the right words, but failing miserably. I smiled thinking about a little copper haired boy that would probably stumble over his words too.
"Smiling while crying?" he quizzed, starting to relax, the grin returning. "I'm going to have to start taking notes."
"You'll catch up," I laughed. And hopefully so would I.
A/N: Sorry this took longer than usual, I blame my pair of hearts. ;) Doing my best to update at least twice a month.
Yes, there will be an EPOV of this chapter. Probably next.
Love my bestie beta and can't thank her enough.
Thank you so very much for the reviews and tweets! Glad most of you are digging crazy pregnant Bella and realizing that not everyone is over the moon about becoming a mother in the beginning.
Juno, Knocked Up and many others.
As always, let me know what you all think.