As they got closer to each other, there was no mistaking the look of sheer happiness on Matthews face as he approached Mary. That look just made Mary feel more guilty about what she was about to say, she knew that the second she told him what she had to say. She knew that the moment she told him that look of pure happiness he has now will be replaced with one of anger and disgust.
"Cousin Matthew, what a surprise. What are you doing here so early?" Matthew smile grew the closer they got and even wider when she started to talking, if that were even possible.
"I thought that we might take a drive and have a picnic, just see where the road takes us." It didn't go unnoticed by Matthew that Mary's face got darker with every word that he spoke. "Mary is everything ok?"
"Matthew I have to tell you something,… but I know that you will despise me the moment I finish telling you." Confusion spread across Matthew's face as he watched Mary become more nervous than he ever thought possible, at least more nervous than she would ever let anyone other than Anna ever in a million years see.
"Ok … but I hardly think that anything you have to say, would ever make me despise you." Matthew's comforting words however did very little to loosen Mary's highly strung out nerves. She looked up at him savouring the beautiful and peaceful look in his eyes thinking that it would be the last time that he would ever look at her without hate in his eyes for the rest of her life.
" Don't say that…." She took a deep breath and looked directly at him. " promise that you won't say anything till I finish" Matthew nodded his agreement still extremely confused as to where this conversation was headed, but also how on earth they had gone from her saying that she would think about his proposal, to having a conversation that she believes will make him despise her.
She watched his face as she retold her story of her night with Kamal Pamuk, it was the first time she had ever told the whole story to anyone. Anna and her mother knew what had happened but not the full story. Matthew would be the first, she needed him to be the first because he was the one that would be affected the most, but also because somehow he had become the person that she trusted the most over the last few months.
His face was somehow contorted it was if his face was trying to express a million emotions at once, and had somehow got stuck between absolute horror, disgusted and sorrow. It pained Mary far more than she ever imagined, to see him look at her that way. She wanted to run and hide, but she knew that the pain that the look was being caused by her. It was her fault that he was looking at her that way.
When she had finished she sighed deeply allowing the air to rush through and penetrate every fibre of her being. Matthew looked at her a moment and then turned around putting his back to her. She knew that she had hurt him and that knowledge hurt her. She hadn't wanted to be the cause of Matthews pain she didn't want him to hate her. But she was sure her decision to tell him was the best things she could have done. It would have been far worse if she had married Matthew and then for him to find out.
"Matthew say something please even if it is just good-bye" Mary struggled to stop the sadness and the pain she was feeling seep into her words she had always prided herself on keeping her emotions hidden from the high society she had been brought up into and she didn't really want to start now.
"Did you love him?" Matthew's voice sounded broken he had never came close to being able to hide his emotions even the simple ones. He couldn't identify what it was but there was something shredding at his heart.
"No, I didn't love him." There was one part of Mary that longed for him to turn around and face her but there was another part of her that didn't him to turn around for the fear that if she saw the pain that she was positive that would be written all over his face, would kill her the second she saw it.
"Then what was it?" Anger seeped through his voice as he turned to face her, and for the first time since coming to Downton he was able to read the shock the was screaming out from every feature of her stunning face.
"It was lust Matthew, It was lust" the pain and the sadness that had consumed Mary, filling her heart that she had tried so much her entire life to protect from emotions or pain caused by others, had been made futile, in the few moments it took him to turn around. He just stood there looking at her trying to sort through and interpret all the emotions that were rolling around inside of him. When he realized that there was no way that he was possibly going to be able to sort out what he was truly feeling about the situation whilst still standing in front of Mary.
Matthew took a couple of steps back to the house, hanging his head slightly looking every bit like a broken man and turning so that his back was to her again. When he was about ten feet away from her he turned back around to face her.
"I have to think about this…. I have to think about everything that you have said" With that he turned around and walked away, leaving Mary in the green field with tears staining her normally priestly clean face. Every single millimetre of her being was aching, she was in more pain then she ever thought possible. She looked back to her childhood home and took a breath but couldn't make her feet move instead she just stood there by herself staring back at Downton.