Rapid knocks and the obnoxious fucking bell woke me up the next morning.
The knocks were barely noticeable, but the fucking doorbell sounded like it was coming from the next room.
Damn intercom system. That shit was getting ripped out...but later...because there was no fucking way I was going to leave this bed. Or however the fuck that song goes.
"No one better wake me up in the middle of the night for anything!" Pita snarled.
We decided that since Edward had the break and I was still trying to fucking adapt to what this all meant, we were going to spend the day actually fucking talking about us having a...baby.
Last fucking thing I ever thought I'd be talking about with him.
Stupid fucking noise. It was a erratic pattern of knocking and bell ringing.
"Who the fuck is that?" I groaned not opening my eyes. "Isn't waking up a...pregnant person a crime punishable by death?"
"It fucking should be," Pita whined, plugging her ears and diving back under her covers.
Edward was already starting to move away. "I think I know who it is," he mumbled sleepily.
I grabbed his hand before he could get entirely out of bed. "We're not fucking home," I reminded him, remembering our talk from last night and pulling him back down to me.
He laughed softly and kissed my shoulder. "It's most likely Rose. I'll get rid of her and come right back." He shifted out of the bed completely and I could hear clothes shuffling shortly after.
I yawned. "Tell her hi for me, and that if she fucking bothers us before noon again, I'm going to scalp her." I heard him chuckle and swiftly leave the room. I turned over and tried to get comfortable, but when I was just about asleep again, I heard Rose's voice over the intercom.
"Woman, you better get your ass down here in the next five minutes or I'm coming up there!"
"Bite me Rose," I mumbled.
So much for getting rid of her.
Edward came back upstairs, and sat down on my side of the bed next to my legs. "She's not leaving. She really wants to see you. Do you feel like getting up?"
"In the illustrious words of Cee-Lo, 'Fuck you and fuck her too,'" Pita snarled.
"Sure, why not? Sleep is overrated," I answered, feeling like I was really without a choice.
I threw on some pants and headed down the steps with Edward following behind. She was standing at the bottom, looking entirely too alert for that fucking early in the morning. Emmett was standing next to her wearing a tired grin.
"You look like hell Bella," Rose laughed and ruffled my wild hair. She was in a blue scoop-neck tee and tight as fuck blue jeans.
"Morning Billie Jean," Emmett greeted. I couldn't help but laugh at his name change for me, obviously he knew what the fuck was going on.
"Not everyone can look like a fucking Hooter's girl at 8am Rose," I griped. "Hey Emmett."
She gave me a small satisfied grin. "The man-children are trying to pull one over on me. They concocted some story after you disappeared last night that you beat the hell out of a pap and are pregnant." She giggled at what she thought was a joke. "They should be working for the tabloids."
"I'm pretty impressed with my man though," she praised patting Emmett's ass. "He usually cannot keep such a straight face through a prank. So, I decided to come over here and ask Edward, but he was in on it," she continued playfully as we walked to the living room.
"I knew you wouldn't cover for them though, so I made him wake your ass up," she said lightly. "So where the hell did you go last night?"
"I already told you, Rose," Edward interrupted.
She cut him off with a glare. "I want to hear it from her."
Edward nodded his head slightly, with a go right the fuck ahead look. "You guys think you're so smart. What a stupid thing to make up! Where do you two come up with this stuff?" She asked them rhetorically. "I think I'm going to notice when I'm not an aunt in nine months."
"Will you notice in eight?" I cut in, still rubbing my face trying to wake up.
She froze and looked me dead in the eye. "What?"
"Rosie, I tried to tell you, babe," Emmett piped up.
I rolled my eyes. I hadn't had enough caffeine to talk about this yet. I've had less than twenty-four hours to wrap my head around this whole damn thing and I was already having to explain in to someone. Was a few days of privacy too much to fucking ask for?
Rosalie was still sitting in on the couch, next to Emmett, looking between Edward and I, trying to figure out if we were fucking with her.
"You're...You're actually pregnant?" she gasped, staring at me.
I sighed and gave her a tight smile. "Yeah, your brother and his circumventing super spunk managed to knock me up."
She still looked fucking confused. "How the fuck did that happen?" she asked more to herself than to us.
We both looked at each other and rolled our eyes, wearing mirrored expressions of how the fuck do you think it happened?
Emmett chuckled and mumbled something about Bond and a covert op.
"I could give you a play-by-play Rose, but I don't think you want to hear all the dirty details of our desk sexcapade," I joked.
"That's when you got pregnant?" Edward quizzed in a whisper. A smug, sexy fucking grin plastered itself on his face, as he stood next to me and wrapped his arm around my waist.
"Yes," I glanced up at him with a slight smile. "I told you visiting my parents was a bad idea."
"Rob Thomas and his sexy voice was a fucking catalyst," Pita reasoned.
"You can blame whoever you want, but I think we all know this is Slugger's fault," Tulip reminded.
"Best idea I've ever had," Edward smiled.
"Poor delusional boy," Pita muttered. I laughed in exasperation, smacking him on the arm.
Rose was suddenly knocked out of her Bella is fucking knocked up daze. "You're pregnant?" she shrieked.
"If you mean ambushed by tricky sperm, then yes," Pita clarified. "We've fucking established that though."
"I was spermbushed!" Tulip declared.
Did she have to keep saying that word? It was making it too fucking real.
"God Rose! Yes, okay? According to the doctor I saw yesterday, there's been a definite fucking breech of fallopian security!"
Her face went through a range of emotions "They weren't fucking with me?"
I shook my head. "No, the only person Edward has fucked with is me."
Emmett snickered, but Rose's face soured, in a I so fucking didn't need that mental image look, before she spoke again. "Oh my God! So this is real?"
"As real as your tits Rose," I answered, starting to freak the fuck out again. I took a deep breath and blew it out harshly. "Can we talk about something else?"
"No!" She laughed incredulously. "You two are having a baby for christ sakes! This is huge!"
She jumped up and hugged Edward with a little squeal, then punched him. "I can't believe my baby brother is having a baby! Does dad know?" she quizzed with wide eyes.
"He knew before I did," he responded with an air of annoyance, looking at me.
"Rosie, I told you all this last night," Emmett interjected. "Bella's one bad ass momma." He proceeded to hug me and congratulate me.
"I thought you were punking me last night, so I ignored most of what you said!" Rose argued.
"How did your Dad find out?" I asked Edward, as Emmett released me from his bear hug.
"Yeah, and why am I always the last to know anything in this family?" Rose cut off Edward's attempt at answering my question. "Emmett and Dad knew before I did! I'm your sister!" Rose continued. "And I'm your best friend!" she said turning to me. "You should have called me first! I guess it doesn't matter now. I'm still going to be cool Aunt Rose."
Rose was fucking glowing and smiling ear to ear. You'd think she was the one who was having the kid with as happy as she fucking was.
I felt my fucking lip start to tremble.
Fuck. Not again. These hormones were screwing everything up. I tore out of the room and up to the bedroom and shut the door.
Why the fuck couldn't I be that happy or fucking excited?
Rose was more excited about being an aunt, than I was about being a mother and that said all kinds of shitty things about me.
"Don't count yourself out before you've even started," Pita reprimanded. "It's been a few hours. You'll get the hang of this soon enough"
Pita was right. Bitch. I hadn't had enough time to plan anything out, or talk with Edward at all. I wanted to catch up with all the fucking emotions I was supposed to be feeling, but like everything else, I wanted to have control of how I fucking got there, even though I knew it was a lost cause.
I knew I loved the tic tac sized uterine hitchhiker.
I heard a muted knock at the door, after which Rose poked her head around the corner.
She cocked her head to look at me. "You alright?"
I nodded and wiped at the stupid tears on my cheeks with my fingers.
"I heard you really messed up that jerk-off last night, I'm so proud," she cooed, with an excited twinkle in her eyes.
"He had it fucking coming," I sniffled, through a short humorless laugh.
"Don't they all?" her eyes gleamed. "Next time, let me tag along."
"There won't be a next time Rose. That fucker is going to be someone's bitch soon."
"Please let it be some fucking burly dude with a penchant for pain." Pit sneered.
"He'll probably get some bullshit community service and a slap on the wrist."
"You're bringing down my fucking party, Rose," I joked, as this was anything but.
A little smile played on her face. "There's always going to be another asshole who doesn't know when to back off, but we'll deal with that when it comes," she placated sitting on chair across from the bed.
"This is your bedroom?" she snickered. "There's no sign a female lives here at all."
I hadn't really changed anything around since I had moved in. I wasn't really one for aesthetics anyway. It was functional and other than the infamous half naked tulip pictures, and some clothes in the closet everything looked the same as the first time I stepped in here.
I knew she was dancing around what she really wanted to say. "Are you going to comment on the décor for much longer before you ask me what you really want to know?"
She looked back to me. "You're scared shitless aren't you?
"That's putting it mildly. I don't have the first fucking clue what to do, or how it happened, or why."
She came over to sit with me on the bed a very serious look on her face. "Well Bella, when a man and woman love each other very much..." she trailed off in a giggle.
I busted up laughing then shuddered, because that's exactly how my mother started our fucking "sex" talk when I was ten.
Oh shit! Renee is going to need new vocal cords when I tell her. The sound barrier may very well get broken and every glass surface from here to Forks will fucking shatter when she finds out that I'm carrying Edward's baby.
Edward's baby.
I grinned at the thought a little bit. For some reason it made me fucking hot, like really fucking hot. Like I was ten seconds from hunting down Edward and fucking him until I couldn't see straight.
What the hell was wrong with me? My fucking mood swings were giving me whiplash.
"Fuck me," Tulip was panting and fanning herself. "I'm going to need an air conditioner down here and a mop if you don't stop thinking about that right the fuck now!"
"Hello?" Rose called out. "You okay? You look a million miles away and like you're going to hump the wall at the same time."
I laughed a little. "I just might, but I know you'd fucking like it, you perv."
"A little girl on wall action is right up my alley" she pouted her lips.
"You and your brother have similar tastes," I responded absently.
"For fuck sakes! I didn't need to know that." She shook her head violently, with a sick look.
"Serves you right for going all birds and bees on me Rose! You reminded me of the fucking talk with my mother!" I hit her with a pillow.
"Then you have my apologies. But maybe you needed a refresher course after all, since you are somebody's mother now," she replied, smacking me with the same pillow.
"Please don't remind me. I feel like I'm about to go fucking insane. This crying shit is already getting on my nerves."
She laughed. "Just wait till you start pissing all the time and the nausea kicks in."
"Too late. I've already pulled into that fucking station. That's why I went to the doctor yesterday, and almost didn't make it to your premiere."
"And you and Edward wouldn't have given the event all the wonderful press you did." She was kidding, but I could detect a hint of irritation.
"Sorry, that night didn't go as planned," I admitted.
"I told Edward he should have talked to you about that job before introducing you to Irina. I'm holding him responsible for that fiasco," she reassured.
Yet another thing I had to factor into my life. I was going to need more money to take care of this baby and was definitely going to have to take that job with Irina, if it was even still available. I doubt she'd want some pregnant person trying to fucking help her.
Rose took a deep breath. "I get why you're freaking out. It's a big thing to be blindsided with."
"There is just so much shit to think about Rose, and I have no idea how to handle it."
Tulip was dealing with it by protesting. She was already holding up picket signs.
No on Prop. 10.
Vaginas Against Gestation and Dilation.
"Or VAGAD for short," Tulip clarified. "I'm not picky."
I continued rambling. "We've been together for such a short time, then before I knew it we were dating, and moving in together and falling in love...and then I'm...pregnant. Everything's flipped on its fucking end, my list is destroyed..."
"Forget the fucking list," Rose interrupted. "Life doesn't give a shit about your list!"
I was shocked by her outburst. "Jesus Rose, you need a Midol or something? I have a fuckton I'm not going to be using."
"No, I want you to wake the hell up, and realize that you have what most fucking women dream about in the palm of your damn hand, and you're acting like a whiney bitch."
I closed my eyes. "I know."
I knew part of me was happy, somewhere. I started remembering how I felt last night, thinking about my dream I had when Edward was out looking for me and I glanced at the bracelet on my wrist.
I smiled and played with the charm. It was so fucking girlie, but hell, I was pregnant. I think I'm entitled to be a little more female than I usually am.
"Damn," Pita shrugged. "I guess this is growing up."
Even if I could embrace this new state of being and becoming a mom, could I do it like this? All the added pressures of having a kind in this capacity. In this life. Edward didn't seemed to be too concerned last night, but for some reason that's all I can think about.
"You had a smile there for a second, what happened?" Rose questioned.
"You know how the fuck this is going to look to the entire world? Like I'm some gold-digging bitch that couldn't keep her legs shut." I shook my head and groaned.
"Let me get this straight? You're worried about what some busy body housewife in Indiana thinks she knows? Or what some overzealous fangirl groups are going to post on their blogs? The rags?" She was shocked.
I didn't know what the fuck I was worried about. I was all over the place and not sure what I was saying. I shrugged noncommittally.
"Who the fuck cares how it looks to them? They are all on the outside looking in through the narrow window the media creates. They will never have all the facts or details of the truth and what's more, it's none of their fucking business."
Rose was right on that front. I couldn't really worry about that right now anyway, it's not like anyone outside the few of us actually knew anything. I had to admit she was actually making me start to feel better.
"Thank fucking god, this ping ponging emotional shit is wearing me out!" Pita exclaimed.
"Are you still going to think the same way when people think this is Emmett's baby?" I prodded, with a smile.
She rolled her eyes laughing. "If anyone who matters actually believes that then I'll be the best Auntie slash Step-mom he or she could ever ask for," she asserted pointing at my stomach.
Then she weirded me the fuck out by putting her hands on my stomach and talking to it. "Your mommy is crazy little one, but your Aunt Rose and Uncle Em are pretty level-headed and are going to spoil you rotten."
"Rose, you are freaking me the fuck out. The kid cannot hear you," I laughed amused by her enthusiasm for talking to tic tac.
"Never too early," she giggled. "You should try it."
My eyes grew wide. "I kind of already did."
She looked at me quizzically. "I told it we were going to In-n-Out last night," I explained.
"You can't eat crap like that anymore, unless you want to be three hundred pounds and have this kid come out with a side of secret sauce!" Rose lectured. "You should talk to Josie, she's an excellent nutritionist."
"Is that who helped you after your ass discovered Cold Stone?" I goaded.
"Partially," she answered, with her eyes narrowed and a half smile. "The rest was the work of my trainer, and a whole lot of self-sacrifice on my part. I should get you both of their numbers. If you keep yourself fit and well fed, your ass might not hit the floor after this." She flashed me a wicked grin.
"Bitch, like I'm not already stressed out, now you had to go bring my ass into this?" I started sulking.
She laughed and sat up a little bit. "Bottom line is," she snickered at her pun. "You love my brother, he's is crazy in love with you, and together you made this perfect little person. So relax, everything else will fall into place."
The Cullen's and their all you need is love mentality was completely bizarre to me, but I figured since I was growing the next generation of craziness, I could let it rub off on me a little.
"Embrace the insanity!" Pita giggled.
"Thanks, Rose."
"You're welcome," she returned with a quick hug. "Now, I have to ask. Weren't you using something? Even though my mind would like to let me think this was immaculate conception, I'm a masochist," she stated.
"I was on the fucking pill." I feel like I've said that about a million fucking times in my head.
"Which one? I want to make sure I'm not using the same kind. I'm certainly not ready for a baby anytime soon."
I glared at her, like I was going to fuck her up. She apologized with a weak laugh.
I showed her the package with about half the pills gone. Lot of fat fucking good they did. She started rapidly looking it over, like she was some damn detective.
Her eyes froze to a certain spot and she was biting on her bottom lip, a silent laugh shaking her.
"What the fuck is so funny?"
She looked at me sympathetically and released her lip and her body shook with laughter, growing louder and louder. She shook her head trying to shake herself out of her fucking giggle fit, but wasn't entirely successful. "Expired," she said through a breathless laugh.
What the fuck?
I gave her a confused as fuck look for a split second, before it dawned on me. "You're fucking kidding!" I said immediately trying to look for what she was seeing.
They don't fucking expire do they?
"Duh!" Pita exclaimed. "Even fucking condoms expire!"
Why the fuck didn't I think to check that?
I was too preoccupied with all the shit that was happening then. Getting injured, moving in with Edward and visiting my parents, that entire month was like a damn blur.
I knew relationships were distracting. Talk about the fucking domino effect.
If I hadn't gotten hurt, I wouldn't have moved in with Edward, I wouldn't have changed pharmacies, and needed to have my twat doc call in for new pills and I wouldn't have found these expired, entirely useless fuckers to use as a substitute when he was on vacation.
That little girl Destiny had changed my life even more than I would have thought possible.
At least her mother had appropriately named her.
**Sexy Silk**
Rose and Emmett left a while later, but not before talking about plans for Edward's birthday party. He told Rose he wasn't interested in having some big fucking party, but she tried to argue her point.
"You have so much to celebrate though," she grinned. "Your birthday, the baby, your girlfriend learning that birth control pills are not like honey and have an expiration date," she teased with a condescending smile.
Shit, with everything that was going on I hadn't found him a gift yet and I had only a little time left.
"We're giving him a baby, I think that's a pretty impressive gift," Pita offered.
"What's the we stuff? Last time I checked, this is my fucking show." Tulip complained.
"Very fucking funny Rose," I snapped. I still wasn't over the shock of realizing that a good majority of Tic Tac's existence was on me.
"Tic Tac? Are you fucking serious? It's not a breath mint!" Pita exclaimed.
"It's certainly not making me feel any fresher," Tulip huffed. "I feel like I should be doing one of those fucking Summer's Eve commercials."
"Exactly, I've got a lot of stuff going on right now Rose. Plus, I'm filming for the next eight weeks. I appreciate the thought, but something small okay?" Edward conceded.
"We'll see," she shrugged.
"Rose," Edward warned.
"Edward," she mocked in the same tone of voice. "I'll keep it small, but we're absolutely doing something."
"We have to do some major partying before little E comes," Emmett joked, pointing at my stomach.
"Little E?" Rose asked, looking at Emmett. "You already think it's a boy?
I scoffed. "Even if it is, we are not naming the baby after Edward," I informed.
I don't know why the idea bothered me so much. I never liked the fucking idea of a junior anyone, it's an individual person they should have their own identity and not have to live in the realms of someone else's name.
"Shit. That was deep," Pita complimented. "You should write."
Edward raised his eyebrows and smirked at me, but kept silent.
"Not after this fool," Emmett argued motioning to Edward. "After his kick-ass Uncle Emmett."
"I think it's a girl," Rose countered.
"Emily then," Emmett offered quickly.
"I think this is a conversation to have when the baby is not the size of a damn tic tac," I suggested lightly as they were going out the door.
"That name is going to stick. I just know it," Pita whined.
"It's better than naming the kid after a fruit or comic book character," Tulip argued.
"You're right, we have plenty of time," Rose placated. "We'll, just wait until your ass hits the floor to start deciding."
I glared at her and she giggled.
They hugged us both, saying goodbye and Rose promising to pass along the numbers of "her people", before they headed to Rose's red beamer. I shut the door, leaned against it and exhaled slowly. "So much for keeping this to ourselves for a while."
Edward was standing there relaxed with a broad smile, staring at me. "Keeping what to ourselves?"
Oh we're playing this game again?
"Tic Tac," I replied, with a confident laugh. I knew what the fuck he was getting at. I had used the word baby and he thought I didn't realize. "I'm pregnant, not stupid. I know what came out of my mouth."
"Now it's Tic Tac?" he questioned, holding out his hand, motioning for me to come forward. I strolled slowly over to him, and put my hand in his. "You're nicknaming the baby after a breath mint?"
"What? It fits perfectly. It's probably about the same size and is fresh entertainment," I joked.
"Hey, if Cobain can name his baby after what she looked like on an ultrasound, we can nickname ours after appropriately-sized candy," Tulip defended.
"The baby is not going to have the middle name Tic Tac!" Pita fumed.
"No cervix. No opinion," Tulip growled.
"Oh well, whatever, nevermind. At least I tried," Pita huffed and stomped away.
"What about Smint?" Edward countered, as we walked back to the living room.
"They don't even sell those here anymore," I informed. "What about Mentos?"
"Don't you mean Footos?" Pita quizzed sarcastically for the corner.
"The Fresh Fighter," Tulip nodded.
"How about Eclipse?" he laughed. We both shook out head at that one, it didn't make any sense and was a stupid fucking name for a mint anyway.
We spent the afternoon talking. He told me about the dream he had about his mom yesterday morning, and how his dad had found out and reacted to the news. It sounded like he was holding back some information about his conversation with Carlisle, but I didn't want to push. The dream with his mom was kind of creepy, since it was so accurate, but it was sweet and I could tell he liked having that link to her.
I skimmed over my talk with Rose upstairs, giving him only the general gist of it. He already knew about the expired pills, because Rose felt the need to race downstairs and broadcast my inability to read a simple date, like it was the funniest fucking thing in the world.
Emmett joked about Edward not being as good as Bond and downgraded him to "standard operations". Whatever the fuck that meant.
"Are you going to take the job with Irina?" he asked me as I sat with my head on his shoulder, remembering the last couple of hours.
"I suppose I don't have a lot of choice now. Tic Tac is going to need stuff," I answered. Though other than maybe diapers, I had no clue what. "I don't think a P.A. salary is going to cut it anymore."
He exhaled harshly, but laughed at the same time. "I really hope that's the hormones talking."
"Why? I have to swallow my pride a little bit here. I thought you wanted me to take it?"
"I do, but only because you want to, not because you think you have to."
I was confused as fuck. "It's not really a choice Edward, babies aren't exactly free. I need the extra money."
He looked at me like I had lost my fucking mind. "Bella, do you think for one fucking second that I'm not going to cover every expense? It's my child and you're my...girlfriend. And I'm not exactly destitute in case you haven't noticed."
I hadn't really thought about it. I've been doing the army of one thing for so long that I hadn't really figured Edward into anything financially. We were in love and living together, but I didn't think that entitled me to anything he had, even if we had co-collaborated in the creation of Tic Tac.
"I didn't want to assume. It wasn't your fuck up that led to Tic tac chillin' in my uterus," I answered.
"First of all, it wasn't a fuck up. A fuck up is when something bad happens as a result," he contended with a fierce gaze.
I went to speak, but he cut me off.
"Second, Bella we're a team. I don't want you thinking that you're alone or I'm not a hundred percent in this with you. I love you and I love that baby and I don't care how it happened, but the two of you are my whole world now. So you better get used to it and realize that I'm taking care of both of you in every way imaginable." He was so fucking serious and devout that I thought my fucking heart was going to burst.
"Fuck these hormones," Pita cried. "They just make the boy ten times fucking sweeter and tear inducing."
I made the girlie fucking gasping noise and had to bite my lip to keep from tearing up, while I nodded in concession.
**Sexy Silk**
Edward's birthday snuck on me really fucking fast. We had both been working crazy hours over the last several days, but I managed to find him a present I thought would hold some meaning. Alice was grateful that I had decided to keep working with her until I got some details from Irina. The L.A. Film Festival was going on and shit was in full swing. We weren't nearly as busy as we were during award season, but enough that Alice would need the extra help, especially since they hadn't found a replacement for the recently axed Xanax Queen.
I had called Irina a few days ago, letting her know I was interested in working with her. I hesitated telling her about Tic Tac, but she was the one who brought it up.
"Pre pro starts in September, you'll be out of your first trimester by then right?"
Seriously? I'm surprised Edward hadn't hired a fucking skywriter to announce it to the entire city.
"Don't give him any ideas," Pita groaned.
I had no fucking idea if I was going to be that far along. I didn't have an appointment with Dr. Avery until next week and I hadn't really thought about it very much.
"Um, I think so," I answered. "Is that a bad time?" I had no fucking clue. I only knew that my nausea was still in full effect and my tits were kind of sore. I hadn't found the ladyballs to find out what shit I was in for down the road.
"No, not at all!" she answered quickly. "I just know that when I was pregnant, my first three months were absolute hell, and I was trying to work on top of it and was miserable. Your second trimester is so much easier."
Holy shit. She had gone through this and still managed to keep her career? That gave me some hope.
"So, it's not going to be a problem?" I asked skeptically.
She laughed. "Not on my end. As long as you're comfortable, I'd love to have you."
I told her thank you and she told me she'd be in touch, and promised me that my secret was safe with her.
I had immediately texted Edward and asked him if he wanted to put a fucking full page ad in the Times and save Esme the trouble of making a statement when the time came that we were actually going to announce Tic Tac's existence.
I didn't get an answer back for a few hours.
Don't worry Beautiful. I'm handing out Tic Tac information on a selective basis.
I chuckled at my desk. I knew he'd come around to my fuckawesome nickname.
You'd better. This is the last fucking thing I want my parents to find out about second hand.
I knew I had to tell them eventually, but there was no way I was ready to have the conversation yet. I could visualize it though. It consisted of Renee fainting from lack of air and Charlie hunting down Edward with his rifle, trying to force him into some ancient shotgun wedding bullshit.
Holy Hell. No fucking way. My thoughts did not just go to that word.
"No they certainly fucking didn't," Pita growled and crunched the paper with the thought on it into a tiny little ball and proceeded to eat it.
Edward responded with another text fairly quick. Charlie is going to murder me.
Probably.;)
Thanks...love you too.
I giggled like a bitch. I'll protect you, I'll just stand in front of you and act as a human shield.
I didn't hear anything back from him, so I went back to organizing the delivery slips on my desk.
Alice kept looking at me strange since I'd gone back to work. Like she knew something was up, but wasn't quite sure. I was half tempted to say something, but it felt like the more people that knew would be too much of a liability. Then I remembered that she was dating Jasper and she probably knew fucking days ago, because Edward and his fucking gossiping ass would have said something to his best friend.
"You know," I said simply, walking into her office and shutting the door.
"Lots of things," she teased. "I think you're going to need to narrow down what you think I know."
"Have you talked to Jasper lately?" I quizzed feeling her out, wondering if I should say anything if she doesn't.
"Only every day. We're practically inseparable," she relayed with an astute look. "And we don't keep secrets." She gave me a very pointed stare and a sigh.
Apparently Edward doesn't either. "Jasper fucking knows too then," I mumbled. Everyone in LA is going to know before I even sort half of this out.
"Knows what?" she asked innocently. I rolled my eyes, she obviously wanted me to fucking say it. "That I'm pregnant," I whispered.
She did her funky jumpy clap thing in her chair and giggled hysterically.
"I was there when Edward called him, or rather he was with me. At my place," she admitted jumping up and hugging me. "I was waiting for you to say something, but I promised myself I wouldn't bring it up until you did."
I didn't really know what the hell to say to that. "Thanks?"
"But to be fair, I knew you were before Jasper told me," she squealed.
"What? How the hell did you know before Jasper said anything?"
"Are you kidding me? You were sick and your skin is looking incredible, and Edward sounded like a nervous wreck when he warned me about you and eggs. It's doesn't take a psychic Bella, but I had a strong feeling, even before you and Edward hooked up that you were going to be far more than friends with benefits," she admitted.
I shook my head. Omniscient little pixie couldn't have given me a heads up about being knocked up?
Alice invited me over to her place after work to get ready for the party, it didn't start until nine and she insisted on dressing me and doing my hair, so we could talk about "everything". Evidently, being pregnant made my brain drunk because I actually spilled my guts without too much thought.
"Oh my god!" Alice giggled out after I was finished. "Jessica is going to have a stroke when she finds out! Too bad we won't get to see the look on her face!"
"If she can even show emotion on that Botox filled mug, I'll be surprised if any nerve endings in her face still have feeling."
"You're right. I can just imagine what she's done to herself since she's left Denali," Alice shuddered.
"As much fun as it is to think about how she's probably had herself butchered beyond recognition, I might have to ask her for her surgeon's number after this kid makes its entrance."
"You're over exaggerating!" Alice laughed and left the bathroom to get dressed.
**Sexy Silk**
Rose decided to have Edward's party at Soho House. Which I thought was awesome since you're not allowed to take pictures inside, and I wouldn't have to worry about ending up as tabloid blotter the next day. Alice hooked me up with this blue de la Renta dress and a pair of black Manolos.
I didn't really feel like dressing up, but she threatened me with bodily harm if I didn't and reminded me that I probably wasn't going to fit into these fuckhawt dresses too much longer.
I was standing in front of the full length mirror in Alice's bedroom at her condo, admiring what I saw and wondering how much longer I actually had left to enjoy my body before everything started to spread and stretch.
I swear my tits were already starting to get bigger.
"Tits by mother nature," Pita affirmed. "No plastic required."
"Talk about milk jugs," Tulip gaped. "You're going to smother the kid with those."
I smiled at myself in the mirror, before Alice came around the corner and told me it was time to leave.
We checked in with the reception desk and after they cleared our names, we ended up in the elevator with some dark haired chick. She was in a white top rocking a pair of Chucks and some awesome jeans.
"Hi," Alice greeted. "I love your top."
She gave Alice a small smile and a shy thanks, before complimenting Alice's dress.
"Oh thank you," she responded. "I love Valentino."
I rolled my eyes, "I don't how you can even walk in that Alice, or in these shoes for that matter. I should have worn my Chucks like her." I pointed to the girls feet, pissed that I let Alice talk me into this outfit.
"I'm kind of obsessed with sneakers," she admitted.
"Well, you have bitchin' taste. I have a pair just like them, that are sitting in my closet when they should be here."
"I never go anywhere without mine," she laughed lightly.
My kind of bitch.
We talked until the elevator dinged and she said goodbye and took off.
"Okay, that was just too creepy," Alice said with a shiver.
"What?" I shrugged.
"Jesus, you can't tell me you didn't notice!"
"Notice what? Did you forget your meds pixie?" I asked, stepping out of the doors.
"Bella, do you know who that was?" The tone of how fucking stupid are you lacing the question.
I have to think about it for a minute. "That Stewart chick, right?"
"Uh, yeah," she answered drawing out the yeah like she's some valley girl. "And I've never noticed this before, but you two look an awful lot alike!" She was practically giddy over it.
"I don't see a resemblance," Pita scoffed. "I mean she has green eyes and she is younger."
I narrowed my eyes at Alice and laugh. "She doesn't look a thing like me Alice, I think you need to tell Jasper to put out more often, your lack of sex is dumbing you down."
"If I did I wouldn't be walking without a limp," she smirked. "I just think those hormones are screwing with your eyesight."
Thank fuck we were alone and no one heard that or I was going to tape her mouth shut.
"What did you get Edward for his birthday?" she asked, changing direction as we made our way to the roof garden.
"A green desk and Tic Tacs," I confessed. What I didn't tell her is the significance behind it. I managed to snag a green desk from a vintage furniture store that was almost identical to the one that was in my room in Forks.
Alice looked at me like I had lost my fucking mind again. Which maybe I had, but what the fuck do you get for a baby daddy that has literally everything? I made a few alterations of my own, and kept it hidden at Rose's house for the last few days.
He seemed so excited about the baby, and I thought it would be like paying some type of homage or something. I still wasn't sure if I was happy or upset about the baby or being a mom, it all seemed abstract, almost like it wasn't really happening.
We had just made it out of the elevator when I realized I had to pee...again.
"Yeah, because all the pissing you're doing isn't a key indication that your eggo is preggo," Pita argued.
"Marathon pissing is not fucking fun! I think I'm getting TP burn down here!" Tulip complained.
I told Alice to go ahead to the party and meet up with Jasper and try to let Edward know I'd get there as soon as I was done.
The bathroom was blue, and accented with purple flowered wallpaper and amazing fucking views of the city.
At least I'd knew I was going to have a nice view most of the night, considering I was going to be in here at least fifteen times before the party was over.
I carefully pulled up my dress and pulled down my thong and froze.
I hadn't read a fucking page of that what to expect when you're expecting crap yet, but I knew I was definitely not supposed to be seeing blood.
A/N: Please don't shoot the messenger- take a deep breath and trust me.
Doing a piece for charity (probably a S.S. outtake) you can find the details to donate here http:/TexasFires (dot) ysar (dot) info/
Nirvana's album "Nevermind" turns 20 tomorrow- so I had to give a shout out. Frances Bean Cobain turned 19 in Aug. (Where the hell has the time gone?) I need my delorean back stat people!
"Footos" are from the Foo Fighters Video "Big Me".
One modified Rachel Green quote in here and a ton of song references.
Yay- for those who got Tulip, Tx. from BaT last chapter- tosses you the extra points some tic tacs;)
Loves and Hugs to my bestiebeta - could not do any of this without you. As always, I'm here to read your thoughts on my crazy ramblings and appreciate them all! Smooches.