I took careful steps walking up to the very familiar red door. Hoping my extremely shifted center of gravity would let me stay upright as I navigated the minimal stairs.
"We don't need you falling now, you'd probably roll down the damn driveway." Pita pipped up.
I had the afternoon off. Irina knew I couldn't be late for tonight and there wasn't anything but a few short reshoots going on today. I had been Irina's assistant designer for the last four months. I wouldn't say I was "sought out" or "noted" yet, but my name was about to roll in the credits of a film I worked on. People were sure to ignore the list of names though, stepping over the sticky mess on the floor while making a bee line to the exit to piss, but it would be there.
Even though it was fucking amazing to finally have a credit to my name, it didn't hold quite the excitement it would have not so long ago. Nor did I have entirely the same name or initials.
"I still can't believe you hyphenated," Tulip lamented.
"What would you know?" Pita chimed in. "Mrs. Bella Swan-Cullen has a pretty sweet fucking ring to it."
It was the wedding heard about around the world, but not until weeks after it happened. I had been keeping the ring off in public, even though I hated hiding it. There was no way I wanted the world to know so soon what should only be our fucking business, and I had no clue when I would be ready to deal with the fucking headache of the planning, plotting and bullshit that was going to go along with marrying Edward.
Not to mention, if we hadn't taken the plunge fairly quick, the only dress that would fit would be a fucking circus tent.
"At least you didn't get food poisoning before trying on dresses," Pita noted. "Doing your business in the middle of a public street wearing an eighty-thousand dollar dress would have been the epitome of mortifying."
Although if it hadn't been for the fucking press, I might have put it off for years. I guess I owed those assholes way more than I would like to admit.
Shortly after my parents finally went back to Washington and shit had settled down, there was a fucking incident that pissed me off more than I thought possible. It changed my mind about how soon I wanted to add those three little letters to the front of my name.
Victoria and Edward had gotten together to go over the promotion schedule for his new film and Alice decided to tag along. The one tracked minded pixie wanted to talk to Edward about a baby/bridal shower combo or some fucking thing, even though I had ever so politely told her no fucking thank you a million and a half times. She thought if she talked to Edward about it, he would convince me.
She obviously didn't understand the dynamic of our relationship at all.
Unfortunately for Edward, Alice and my pregnant hormonal ass, Victoria had some emergency with her housekeeper she had to run off and fix. She asked if Edward could give Alice a ride back to work, as she was the one who drove her.
The fucking paps went crazy and the trashtoids followed suit.
Swan's fifteen minutes are up! There's a new brunette on Edward Cullen's arm.
Cullen is back to his old tricks with a new treat!
He was in a fucking car with another woman, it didn't mean he was having an affair. Alice wasn't fucking tonguing him or sitting on his lap for Christ sakes!
Pita scratched her head. "Since when does sharing a ride or a meal with someone automatically denote you're fucking them?"
"How long have you been is this city?" Tulip questioned
The message board bitches and fan club wenches did a complete about face. Calling him a fucking manwhore and feeling sorry for me. Only a small portion of people seemed able to think for themselves and not automatically program their thoughts to be in line with the bullshit the rags perpetuated. I was the only one who was allowed to call him a manwhore, because at this point it was a goddamned joke between us.
I hated them thinking that about him. I fucking hated them thinking that about my fiance and most of all, I hated them thinking about Tic Tac's dad. These fucking people that claim to love him so much, would just as soon turn on him, but I knew I never fucking would. I would be one of the few people who ever actually knew him.
In that moment, I knew what I wanted.
I wanted to flip off the entire fucking world of fickle weak-minded bitches with the ring finger of my left hand.
Instead of announcing our engagement we announced our wedding. Exactly one month after it happened, on September thirteenth. It was the best belated birthday present I had ever given myself.
Esme was brilliant, "leaking" just a few pictures of less intimate moments and giving a brief statement. However, it was only a day later that e-zine crazies had more bullshit, doctored photos and according to them, details from a close "friend" that recounted "the wedding was small, breathtakingly gorgeous with a few friends and family present." The more reputable publications were leading people with taglines like "Cullen could not keep his eyes off of his bride."
I looked pretty fucking amazing in my dress, even though at my mother's and Alice's instance I wore white. My one of a kind Carolina Herrera, was accented really well with my black and white studded Chucks. I may have given Alice a stroke with my choice, but she knew better than to argue with my hormonal bitchy ass. Tic Tac was well hidden as I said "I do" and held my bouquet of ruffled tulips at a secluded, but gorgeous B&B in Northern Washington, in front of a total of eight people which included the officiant.
Don't ask me how Jasper had the authorization to marry us, or how Alice convinced Rosalie that she should be my maid of honor, because she had dealt with my ass longer. I'm still trying to figure that shit out.
Speaking of the pixie, Alice thought it would be funny to get me one of those damn shirts that said "Mrs. Cullen" on it as a bridal gift.
I was a little horrified, seeing it in print across my chest and knowing that any woman could buy it for 29.95 and wear it, like it was fucking true. Edward had to talk me out of suing all the bitches who used any form of my new name as their email address or twitter handle at least three times over the last five months.
He was fucking mine and I never learned how to share.
Of course, it was a limited amount of time after a "close friend" revealed that "the couple" had actually tied the knot because of a secret pregnancy and reportedly conceived their baby on a piece of furniture while on vacation in some remote location.
In a lie, there is a little bit of truth.
My mother has a big fucking mouth and Mrs. Cope is an attention whore. I'll just leave it at that.
The swirl of noise and press associated with the worldwide reveal of Edward Cullen's impending fatherhood was unrivaled by any other "scandal" we had dealt with before, but Esme came to the rescue again.
If she wasn't engaged to Carlisle, and practically like a step-mother to Edward now, I'd tell Edward to pay her more. Cause she absolutely deserved it. She's preformed more damage control for us than the Red Cross after a fucking earthquake.
I knocked quickly on the door, hoping Emmett had recieved my message and stayed the fuck home.
Tic Tac's little foot came up and poked me as I waited for it to open.
I smiled and rubbed the spot "I know. Your daddy is coming."
I swear the kid was already attuned to Edward like he had daddy sonar or something.
I can remember the conversation very clearly after we saw Tic Tac for the second time. The baby was not a piece of candy, but a real live little being with ten fingers and toes.
And yes, I fucking cried.
Tic Tac was no longer a Tic Tac, or the size of a cantaloupe, in fact it looked like I swallowed two basketballs and half a damn watermelon. Or maybe that's just the way I felt.
Come to think of it, I may have eaten a half a watermelon this morning. My brain was fucking fuzzy. I could barely remember what the fuck I did ten minutes ago, let alone hours ago. Especially anything related to food, it was all of fucking blur of colors, flavors and whatever Tic Tac demanded I eat that day.
It was really infrequent the amount of times I felt the kid move lately. I'm surprised he had any fucking room at all. I felt like I was a giant wall of baby and the only thing holding the kid in was a very bitchy Tulip.
"Now I know how fucking Atlas felt!" Tulip groaned. "Is this kid going to live inside of you forever?"
Pita rolled her eyes. "It's only a few more weeks. You've been training for this."
"Train this!" Tulip yelled and flipped Pita off. "When you have a human head resting on you twenty-four seven, then you can fucking talk to me!"
I stood there tentatively for a few minutes, holding up a black garment bag and shoes.
The door opened quickly, Edward looked me over for a split second before he bowed his head laughing. His head slowly rose and he was wearing that wicked fucking grin.
"Hoping to resume your old position?" he asked, the question incredibly suggestive.
"Denali was short staffed," I smirked. I had worked out a deal with Alice, I would let her dress me for the Globes if she would let me pick up everything, which included Edward's suit. "I offered up my delivery services."
I looked more like I was going to deliver a life sized Globe, rather than a baby.
We had come so far in a year, me more so than him. If you would've told me a year ago to the day, I would be walking into this doorway as his wife and the mother of his child, I would have called you a goddamned liar. And then, quite possibly, would have smacked up you upside the head or beaten you senseless.
"How's my son doing?" he asked, embracing me briefly and standing back a bit to caress my huge stomach.
I remember when we found out Tic Tac was indeed a boy, and that he was sporting a little slugger of his own. We had become so competitive over it we made a wager.
It was a bet I totally fucking won.
"Are you sure? Maybe you should check again?" Edward questioned, realizing I had won the bet.
"Edward, do I tell you how to act?" Dr. Avery answered playfully. "I think I know a penis when I see one."
"I know I do," Tulip had interjected. "They're hard to miss" she snickered.
That's the best you can come up with?" Pita quizzed.
"I'm sorry, I lost you after come and up," Tulip giggled.
"You know what that means Hollywood. It will be permanent reminder to never fucking bet against your wife!"
Wife. I shook my head that still sounded fucking strange.
"You know I can't really get that done!" he argued with an agitated chuckle.
"Why the hell not?" I questioned upset. "Are you already trying to teach your son how to welch out on a bet?"
Dr. Avery quickly excused herself saying something about giving us a minute and that they baby looked perfectly healthy.
Edward ran his hand through his hair. "Bella, you know I can't get a tattoo on Slugger."
"Sorry, didn't realize I was married to a fucking wuss," I barked and folded my arms. "It doesn't have to be a big tulip."
"Do you really expect me to keep up my end of this? You know, I didn't expect you to get "Slugger's Hideaway" above Tulip after you deliver!"
"Why not? I would have done it, because I keep my fucking word!"
I knew I was acting like a juvenile bitch, but I didn't know why my hormones thought it was such a big deal. I never actually expected him to do it, I just wanted to watch him sweat over it and he wasn't giving me the satisfaction. I was going to have to push an entire human being out of a relatively tiny hole and he wasn't even man enough to take needle pokes and a pretty flower on his dick! I figured if Tulip was going to be irreparably altered, so should Slugger.
Stupid fucking hormones.
"Beautiful, can we just focus on the fact that you were right? And we're having a healthy little boy?"
It was then I screamed at him and told him to go bite his own ass and leave me the fuck alone.
Not one of my finer moments. Again, I blame the stupid fucking hormones.
"Wait let me catch up," Tulip interrupted. "We have a boy in the kid cage upstairs!"
"Penis equals boy," Pita lectured. " And two plus two is four."
"This can't be right!" Tulip panicked." Look!" she cried bringing out some black book with a chess piece on it. "Bella and Edward have a girl! The bible says so!"
"Where the hell did you get that?" Pita growled and took the book and looked it over. "REWRITE!" she yelled loudly before taking a black pen to it.
We carried on a few more days fighting about Edward's refusal to get inked, but for the most part I was just satisfied that I was having a perfectly healthy son.
And that I was fucking right.
It was a few days later that Edward came home with a bandage on his bicep and "Bella" tattooed on his right arm. I called it good, and reminded him it would be hard to shorten that to "Wino" when we broke up.
He said he'd shorten it to "Bell" and had his wicked fucking way with me, before we hired someone to design an awesome nursery for our son.
"He's doing great," I answered eventually coming out of my memories. "I think he's going to born with a fucking charlie horse with as cramped as he is."
"A few more weeks," Edward tried to console both of us. He knew I was over this whole fucking pregnancy thing, but it was up to Tic Tac when he would make his entrance. "Have you come up with a middle name?"
I shook my head. I had been thinking about it for months but nothing seemed to fit with the first name we had picked out. "It'll come to me."
"Shall we?" Edward asked suddenly, with the fucking all too familiar glint in his eye.
I fucking giggled and made my way towards the stairs. Though, walking up them now was a little less sexy. I'm sure I looked like a fucking duck waddling instead of the super hot bitch I was a year ago.
And as if he could hear my thoughts, Edward spoke from behind me. "Still enjoying the view, Swan."
I looked back and smirked, taking the rest of the stairs as assertively as possible and feeling a little better about the double wide that was posing as my ass.
I got up to our bedroom and was immediately choked up. There were bundles and vases of Tulips everywhere, the bed littered with petals and the room smelled fucking amazing.
"I had this set up for after we got back, but I figure now would be better."
"This is just like our honeymoon," I laughed with tears in my eyes. I'd go into details, but it's easily summed up in three words; Fiji, Food and Fucking.
Edward took a few steps closer. "I figured this anniversary needed to be celebrated in a similar way. Assuming this is still what you want?"
I smiled thoughtfully. "You know I'll always want you Edward," I replied sappily.
Fuck you. I'm allowed to grow and mature.
John Legend came over the hidden speakers, as Edward hit a button and Ordinary People was wrapping the room in seduction, while Edward's mouth covered mine.
Our clothes were quickly on the floor and Slugger was aching to go back to his "hideaway".
Obviously wall sex was out, and we had a new favorite wall anyway. There was one more naked picture on the wall, but this time it was a picture of my belly. Even though that sentimental stuff was all Edward's idea, I was kind of glad he talked me into it.
Edward knelt down next to my bare belly and started talking. "Just take a nap for a while, and ignore anything you might hear." Then he whispered. "Your mommy is a screamer, but she's not hurt."
"Your daddy is over estimating his abilities, Tic Tac," I countered, with a laugh.
"We'll see," Edward responded simply.
He took one of the tulips from out of a vase and ran the soft pink petals over my eyes and cheeks, resting it under my nose just for second, so I could take in the scent. I was totally getting off on it.
"That tulip has an unfair advantage," Tulip pouted. "She doesn't have an almost full-grown fetus as her neighbor! I'd smell good if I wasn't sweating from all this heavy lifting!"
Edward continued running the less chatty tulip in slow motion over my lips and down my neck, as he kissed and sucked his way down my body. He guided me to the bed helping me lay down, his lips and tongue roved around my body along with the soft petals of the tulip. Driving me fucking mental and leaving Tulip demanding Slugger take a vacation to his hideaway so he could play in her waterfall.
"It'll be like the X-rated version of Cocktails," Tulip coerced.
Lately, spooning seemed to be the only way I could have any fucking fun, it stopped me from obsessing over all the new curves I had and completely distracting myself from cumming and Edward didn't have to worry about crushing Tic Tac.
As Slugger found his way home, I moaned and Edward kissed my neck. "It's been too long Beautiful."
He was right. We hadn't had sex in so fucking long, I forgot what Slugger was capable of. Although Pita tried to remind me with pictures, Tulip simply pointed to Tic Tac and groaned that she was "too old for this shit."
"I'm making an exception," Tulip smiled and threw her head back.
There was so much more emotion now, because now it wasn't just fucking or fuck buddies. Now he was my husband and we were having a baby. I fucking loved him more than I ever thought I could love someone else.
In a slow dance of writhing bodies, thrusting, kissing, groping and clit tickling, I found my release.
"Edward," I cried as I dug my nails into the comforter. Tulip remembered she had another purpose other than kid portal and started speaking in tongues and drawing peens on the walls of her hideaway.
"Love you, Beautiful," Edward breathed against my neck after Slugger had watered down the Zen garden Tulip had cultivated.
"Ditto, Hollywood."
The limo arrived an hour later and we were on our way to the Beverly. My thong was of course, in the pocket of his suit.
**Sexy Silk**
As we made our way down the red carpet and the flashes made their best attempt at blinding me, and the fucking shark tank of paps were calling out Edward's name, I looked towards the end of the carpet and fucking almost dropped Tic Tac where I stood.
Lauren and Jessica were standing of with a group of B-listers and starring fucking daggers at me. I heard they had started their own styling operation and were having trouble obtaining clients.
"Not these bitches again," Pita complained popping her knuckles. "Time to bust out the Slore Away."
Edward hadn't noticed them, and was only staring at me and occasionally into the sea of strobe. I tugged on his arm and spoke through my pseudo smile. "Slut One and Slut Two are preparing a welcoming committee."
He took a glance in their direction and tried to subdue a laugh as we moved a few feet down the carpet.
"You want to give them a show or walk on by like we don't know them?" he whispered.
I gave him a wicked look and he knew my answer. My huge belly was still in the way, but he made every effort to mouth fuck me in front of the entire world.
I was light headed by the time we came up for air. "Tongue slip was nice. Feel free to publicly mouth fuck me anytime," I assured as we finished with the last of the bullshit pictures.
He gave me a finally kiss on the cheek. "What my wife, wants she gets."
The Slores were standing still standing off to the side, with their mouths gaping. "Have a great night," I offered with a cheesy as fuck blissed out smile on my face as we walked right on by them.
"You're evil," Rose said as we caught up to her and Emmett.
I felt a slight stomach cramp before I could answer, but it abated fairly fast. "All in a days work."
"Are you okay?" Edward questioned.
"Yeah, it was nothing." Though I couldn't be entirely sure it was nothing, I had been having cramps off and on all day. I hadn't thought anything of them, but they had been coming sort of regularly for the last hour.
The four of us filed in, finding our appointed tables and taking seats, as we were towards the end of the gob that was filing up the room. The sweeping cameras were already set up, and operators were scanning the room. I just hoped they spared my pregnant ass any air time, cause I was feeling another cramp.
At least an hour later, after making it through drinks and Gervais' opening monologue, which he wasn't nearly drunk enough for, it was time for Edward to get set up with a mic and go backstage.
Edward was presenting this year to promote his new film, so he and Bree were picked to present the Globe for Best Foreign Language Film.
I wished him luck and told him not to butcher the name of whichever film had won, before I kissed him and watched him walk away.
As they cut to commercial, I felt a small wave of pain which immediately caused my hand to go to my stomach.
"Fucking shit," I hissed, they were definitely getting worse.
"Bella? Are you okay?" Rose asked, looking concerned.
I took a deep breath, getting through the worst of it before I answered her. "Yeah, just one of those fucking braxton hicks things the birthing instructor told us about."
"Okay," she relented eyeing me skeptically.
"It's fine," I assured, though now I was starting to worry. I knew that fucking could start labor, but I had just today hit thirty-seven weeks. I decided to wait to see if they got more painful or frequent before I lost my shit and started panicking.
"Hey kid shoot," Pita called "What the hell is going on down there?"
"I'm sorry do I look like I have eyes?" Tulip barked back. "I have no idea what the kid cage upstairs is doing!"
After a commercial Edward and Bree made their way onto the stage, but I only heard the first part of Edward's introduction to the films, before another cramp hit me and I started having to quietly huff through it.
"Bella, what's happening?" Rosalie whispered to me, sounding even more worried.
"It's just some false labor Rose," I finally whispered back. Though now I'm thoroughly convinced it may be more and I should be at least calling Dr. Avery and finding out how long false labor can last.
I just prayed that they were keeping that fucking camera on the stage and away from me, because I had to alleviate some of the pressure on my back and standing is generally frowned upon. Screw it. If Melissa Leo can say "fuck" in front of the nice people at home, I can stand up and readjust my uncomfortable pregnant ass.
I causally stood up, stretching a little, but that's when all hell broke loose.
And there was a fucking puddle at my feet.
"Did you just piss yourself in front of a giant room of people?" Pita shrieked.
"Man your battle stations people!" Tulip cried. "The shit just got real!"
"Oh fuck," I whispered. "Not now Tic Tac."
Rose's look of horror I'm sure mirrored my own. "Did...did your water just break?"
"No! I fucking sprung a leak Rose!" I barked harshly.
"Leak! What leak? It looks likes the fucking Hoover Damn just exploded down here!" Tulip called.
"Isn't it too early? We have to get you to the hospital!" she whispered back at me. Edward was only half way through the films he was introducing and they hadn't even gotten to the fucking award bestowment. Not to mention the fucking camera people were scanning the room at this very second and could have possibly caught my face any minute.
"I'm thirty-seven weeks Rose," I grimaced.
She looked confused. "English woman!" she hissed.
I expelled a large breath and rolled my eyes. "It means he's like the The Dude and fully fucking baked. It means he could come at any time!"
Emmett looked scared shitless and hadn't spoken a word.
"Sis?" he whispered looking around. "Is little dude coming to add to the guest list?"
"Thundercats are go Em," I groaned back, with a nod.
"Oh shit." He quickly dug his phone out of his pocket and I knew exactly what he was doing. Edward was so nervous about me going into labor and him missing the call that he got a special line just for people to call him on, which he would always keep on him. And I could see the look of panic dawn across his face as the phone silently vibrated in his pocket.
The cameras were back on him and I saw him turn really pale, a weak smile graced his lips and eyes were darting nervously around my face for a few seconds and then he spoke.
"And the award goes...to whoever...comes up and wrestles Gervais for it. Goodnight!" He held up the award and put it on the platform before racing backstage. Bree was in shock and did her best to save face and divert attention for Edward's weird ass behavior.
In a blur, I was in the back of a limo with Rose, Emmett and Edward racing towards Cedars. Edward was loosening up he tie and unbuttoning his top button as he got in.
"Oh god," Tulip cried. "This is what death feels like."
"Esme is going to have a fucking meltdown over that stunt," I laughed, with little joy when he slid in next to me.
"Is this it? Are you sure?" Edward asked half to me, half to Emmett and Rose.
"Either that or she's the most phenomenal fucking actress of our generation," Rose informed.
"Yes, faking amniotic sac breakage is just like crying on cue," I breathed.
Emmett nodded. "It's the real deal Bro, look at her."
Edward's head whipped to me. "Beautiful, it's too early!"
"Tell that to him!" I retorted. "This isn't a rehearsal Hollywood!"
Emmett and Edward started talking security details and Rosalie grabbed my hand. Victoria was apparently in the car behind us and calls were being made. I was just hoping someone remembered that I was fucking in the back of a limo having a baby.
"Fuck," I hissed loudly. The contractions were coming really close together.
"Another one? Already?" Rose looked worried. "Hope the back of this limo is scotch guarded and you remember the stuff dad taught you for emergency deliveries!" she told Edward.
Edward's attention was back on me. "It takes hours for a first baby to be born!" he argued with Rose.
Rose just shook her head and kept her focus on me. "Fucking boys," she muttered.
"He didn't want to listen to Gervais talk about Jodie Foster's beaver anymore!" I huffed, as the pain subsided.
Edward shrugged, as his thumb rubbed over my hand. "Oh some of it was funny."
"Only because it wasn't about about you," I argued.
In what seemed like minutes, I was wheeled into a back entrance of the hospital and upstairs. We were in some type of suite, but I was in no position to notice the fucking pictures or bullshit amenities, because I was too busy trying to push a human being out of me. I whined as a strong contraction hit me like a fucking wall of sheer pain.
"Breathe Bella," Edward instructed, as questions were asked and blood pressure was taken.
I whipped my head in his direction. "If you tell me to breathe one more fucking time you will end up a pile of entrails at the morgue!"
"I was just trying to..."
"No!" I growled. "No more talking!" I needed to fucking focus and his voice was distracting.
"I'm just trying to..."
"No more talking!" I screeched and bit his hand as a contraction hit me hard. Edward yelled and drew back his hand in pain.
"Mrs, Cullen, you need to calm down. I doubt you're even in active labor yet," the nurse that minutes ago introduced herself as Sonia, chastised with a shake of her head.
I glared at that fucking bitch, willing to level her with my eyes."Tell that to the fresh baby hotel juice that is currently a puddle on the floor of the Beverly Hilton!"
"Your water broke then?"
Mother of fuck! Where do they find some of these people?
"Where the fuck is my doctor?" I cried, throwing my head back.
"She's on her way," the nurse explained in a voice that was way too fucking calm.
"I want drugs lots and lots of drugs! The maximum legal limit of drugs!" I growled, pulling on Edward's arm.
"We need to check your cervix."
"It was all of Slugger's cervix checks that got me into this fucking position." Tulip yelled.
"She's at seven," I heard someone say, after one of the most non sexual fingerings of my entire life.
"At seven what?" Pita yelled.
"At the seventh circle of hell!" Tulip's answer had sounded like she's been possessed.
"Ow ow fuckity fuck ow! Where the fuck is the dude with the spinal tap?" I panted.
"I thought we decided to have a natural birth? It's better for the baby," Edward reminded.
"It's much better for the baby to have a father who doesn't have his neck snapped from talking too fucking much!" I countered harshly.
"Try the visualizations you practiced," he argued softly.
"If you think imagining lying fucking meadow with purple flowers when I'm being split in half is going to help then you are fucking insane!" I pushed him away with a frustrated scream. The tears started to flow. This was happening too fucking fast. How the hell was I already at seven? Wasn't it supposed to take hours like everyone said?
They were hooking up monitors and cinching belts around me, all the while trying to ask me to calm down, when they were the ones running around like fucking decapitated chickens. There was so much fucking pain, and it was coming in wave after fucking wave, with only so much as a minute in between.
Within what seemed like a very short time, Dr. Avery had whisked her way into the room.
"Hi Bella, looks like we're in full swing in here?"
I only nodded and tried to focus and breathe. I couldn't bring myself to say anything smart ass or sarcastic as another contraction hit. After a quick another fucking fingering that Tulip wanted no part of she spoke.
"Bella what did you eat? You're at eight centimeters before I could even get here! It should be any time now. You're doing great kiddo."
I couldn't focus on what the fuck she was saying because the fucking pain was unbearable and was coming back again. I felt like I was having an out of body experience and was floating above myself for a second. Like I wanted to pass out, throw up and die all at the same time.
I remembered something the birth instructor told me after the pain subsided from the contraction. She said to find a focal point or a place to focus on during the worst part of labor, and since these contractions were pretty fucking bad, I was sure she meant now. Though, she wanted me to call them "swells."
"What the fuck ever! They are not swells they are fucking god awful repetitive punishments for having sex!" Tulip cried.
I relaxed my entire body; blocking out everything trying not to think about anything. Just the blackness and what little silence I could. I don't know how long I stayed like that, in a semi-conscious state but it must have been a while because I made it through a number of contractions and didn't smite anyone or scream too much.
"Bella?" Edward called loudly. Jarring me. I had fucking forgotten he was even there.
"Fuck, I'm dying. What the hell is this?" I groaned. "Why is this happening so fast?" I cried, my tears flowing down my cheeks as I prayed for death.
"Some labors can go just that quickly Bella," Dr. Avery explained. "This is transition, do you feel pressure? Like you need to push?"
I nodded slightly, cinching my eyes shut. It was too much, I thought I'd be in labor for days not a few fucking hours and not already on the cusp of pushing.
Tulip was at her breaking point. "I'm stretched out further than a frisbee and there's a kid's head down here! What the fuck do you think?"
The doctor nodded in response. "We're about have one more guest at the after party. Set it up."
I was hardly aware that my feet were in stirrups and Edward was back squeezing my hand.
"Okay Bella, baby's head is crowning," Dr. Avery told me. "I need you to push again on the next contraction."
"This must have been the fucking ring of fire Johnny cash was talking about!" Tulip screamed. "I Tulip, being of sound mind and disembodied voice, hereby leave all my earthy possessions to my husband Slugger and all my awesome quips, quotes and sarcasm to my best bitch Pita!"
"You're not dying!" Pita scolded.
"YES. I. AM." Tulip argued. "I'm being ripped apart a centimeter at... a...time!"
"I can't. Just knock me the fuck out and cut me open!" I wailed.
"Come on sis! Do this for my little nephew!" I heard Emmett call from around the door, though I couldn't see him.
"Get him the fuck away from here!" I yelled at Edward.
"He's insisting on being lead security detail. He's guarding the door."
"I fucking hate you, Edward! Hate. Hate. HATE you so fucking much!" I wailed, as another contraction gripped me and they instructed me to push.
"Put it in your head Hollywood is dead," Pita puffed.
Edward was kissing my hair and stoking my hand. "I love you, Beautiful."
"Fuck off!" I screeched and pushed with what little energy I could muster.
With several more pushes, profanities, screams, attempts at maiming my husband, a guttural grunt and a tiny but powerful cry, I brought my son into the world.
My head fell back and my eyes closed. I could die now. Edward's lips and hand were all over my sweaty face telling me how amazing I was and how fucking beautiful our son is.
"Edward do you want to cut the cord like we talked about?" Dr. Avery questioned, though all I could see was the black behind my eyes.
They talked about placental delivery and stitches, but all I could focus on was that Tic Tac was crying. I needed to hold him, like I fucking needed air, so I willed my eyes to open.
"I've been wounded in the line of duty," Tulip sniffled. "Where the fuck is my purple heart?"
I heard a voice from far away. "Chris you better guard this door with your life understood?"
Emmett proceeded to bust in the door. "Where's my nephew why is he crying?"
"Em, get the fuck out of here!" Edward hissed.
"No way! It's nothing I haven't seen before according to the tabloids anyhow."
"Here's your star momma," the doctor affirmed as she handed him to me. "All fingers and all toes were accounted for. He's perfect."
I always thought that moment in Waitress was way over the top. Where she holds her baby for the first time and after months of bitching and whining, except for when she's having pie fantasies and getting her freak on with her OB, she falls completely and eternally in love with her daughter and gives her some silly ass name.
"It has to be better than Renesmee!" Pita argued.
Tulip stared at Pita blankly for a second. "Where the hell did you hear that name?"
"I read it in a book once," Pita informed, her pen was moving rapidly inside the book with the chess piece again.
However, I realized that it was perfectly done. For me, there was no one else in that room as I held my son for the first time, as the tears fell down and my heart doubled in size. There wasn't some heartstring plucking score playing, or me telling off some abusive dipshit in the middle because I had found the strength in being a mother in order to assert myself, but there was this moment of wholeness.
"As though you were kissed by God full on the lips." Pita sighed.
"Even though my lips now look like silly putty, he was definitely worth it." Tulip muttered sleepily.
Then I told Emmett to get north of the fucking border and next to my head or I would show him exactly what my pooter looked like right now and ruin sex for him forever. I didn't know he could move so fucking fast for as big as he was.
"Do we have name for that handsome little man yet?" Dr. Avery asked, eyeing Em briefly before she did.
I panicked, because I still didn't have a middle name. Then as I looked at him to hopefully draw some inspiration, his deep blue eyes opened and he gave me this look, like he was giving me a once over and then closed them again. Like he was okay with what he saw and could relax now. And from that I knew, whatever I picked would be right, because I was his mother and I'd always know what he needed.
I looked over his tiny bundled body and stroked his cheek before I answered.
"Tristan Thomas Stuart Cullen."
"Thomas Stuart?" Edward questioned.
"Yeah, for Rob Thomas."
He chuckled. "What about Stuart?"
"I've just always like that name. Plus, the initials pay homage to certain under credited counterparts."
There was a brief look of recognition that crossed over Edward's face. "It's suits him perfectly."
"Oh I get it!" Pita squealed "Tulip and Slugger!"
"At least she is finally giving credit where credit is due," Tulip mumbled on the verge of passing out.
I gave him a tired smile "Do you like that Tris?"
"I do!" Emmett affirmed, reminding me that he was there. "Though you could have thrown Emmett in there somewhere."
"When it's Rose's glory hole that's being fucking stretched and disfigured you can name the kid whatever you want," I spit quietly.
Both Edward and Emmett shuddered, then the nurse mentioned something about learning to breastfeed and Edward had to usher Emmett out of the room, though I really didn't hear his protests and his promises not to look, because I was too wrapped up in the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
And as for breastfeeding, if my tits could talk, Wes Craven would have to tell their story, because the amount of horror and pain that was inflicted on my nipples by Tris' mouth could only be told by a master of gore.
**Sexy Silk**
Hours later, I woke up panicked not immediately seeing Tris next to me. I was still exhausted, but I felt too anxious to sleep anymore.
Edward was holding him by the window staring down at the bundle in his arms instead of the view. He looked like a natural, Tris' head in the crook of his arm as he took surefooted steps, walking him in front of the window slowly. Singing the first lines of I Dare you to Move.
Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?
My amazing boys.
I choked back a sob, which drew Edward's attention. "I think your mommy is awake now."
"Hi," I mumbled, reaching out to hold him. Edward smiled and carefully handed our son to me. The room had been filled with all kinds of flowers, cards and all kinds of baby stuff. There was barely an empty space.
To think that a year ago I was so scared of something so perfect and amazing was downright laughable. My body was fucking sore, my hair matted and disgusting I was still beyond tired, but I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I wouldn't have traded the moment for anything.
"How is your list working out?" Edward's question was entirely out in left field, but hysterical none the less.
"Don't mention fields, or balls or bats or anything having to do with Slugger, because if I ever see that rat bastard again, I'm going to fucking kill him!" Tulip moaned and pointed to her war wounds.
I laughed carefully, trying not to jostle the sleepy little dude in my arms.
"I think I need to add another thing it," I said earnestly, only taking my eyes of Tris for a second to look at Edward.
He looked at me strangely and laughed a little. "What more could you possibly want?"
"A little girl," I answered seriously.
"What are you...what the fuck? I am NOT doing that again! There's not fucking way. She's lost her baby-lovin' mind. Where are you Pita? She's gone completely fucking overboard!"
"Nope, she's just love drunk," Pita giggled.
Edward choked a little before he could answerer. "Are you sure?"
I felt the need to clarify. "Eventually. For now, I'm just going to spoil this one absolutely rotten."
"I think you'll have to compete with the eight people waiting in the hall to come in and meet their respective nephew, grandson and godchild."
"Alice and Jasper are here?"
We had decided that Alice and Jasper were the only two people we would ever want to watch over our spawn in the event of our untimely, and presumably tabloid induced demise, though we hadn't asked them yet.
"Jasper has been holding Alice back from the time I left the foreign film Globe sitting on the podium."
I shook my head."Your godmother will have you on the best dressed list before we leave this room," I whispered to Tris, skimming the curl of brown hair around his ear.
"And your mother has been calling me every ten seconds,while in route from the airport. I finally had to put my phone on mute," He riffled his hand through his messy hair. "Your grandmother is crazy Tristan, but she means well. Like mother like daughter."
"Said your smart ass, delusional father," I said to Tris. "You're lucky you make cute kids Cullen. I think I'll keep you." I leaned up carefully to kiss his cheek.
"Good, because you're stuck with me." His lips lowered to mine, and the camera started pulling back and the scene began fading to black.
I was really glad I let that pompous arrogant asshole fuck me.
Cue Sexy Silk and the credits with the names of ordinary people that bring us into a world of pure imagination and whose private lives... are nobody's goddamn business.
A/N: This is going to be a very long speech, so I apologize in advance for the longwinded and emotional after note that is going to follow. You are free to ignore it, but it will be here anyway. ;)
To my bestie beta: None of this would have been possible without you. I thank my lucky stars that you were kind enough to take time out from your family and PTA responsibilities to aide and guide me through this little story for the last year. There are no words other than thank you. You are the best wingman a girl could ask for. ;)
To the readers: You are all amazing and I cannot thank each and every one of you enough. It astounds me how many people can be brought together by a snarky, talking vagina and her foul mouthed owner. Lol. The reviews, twitter comments, suggestions and recommendations to your friends have made this story what it is and to me you are golden. Stay Gold.
To all the people I have either made fun of, referenced, quoted or alluded to, I will take this opportunity to beg you not to sue me and inform you that I am a girl of limited means. You might get a couple dollars, some Tic Tacs and an apology, but that would be the extent of repayment. I thank you in advance for refraining from any legal action and remind you my humor and line theft was not for profit. :)
Yes, there will be an epi. I'm not sure when, sooner rather than later though. Assuming the above people take my advice and don't demand this immediately removed ;)
Special thanks to Tulip, Slugger, Pita, (Hummus), the Hollywood Foreign Press and Stephenie Meyer who without which, I wouldn't have had the inspiration to have written this.