The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants: I'm Alone, Left With my Thoughts, and I Need You Now.

**Warning: Scene contains mature, suicidal themes. Read with caution.**

(Squirrelflight's POV)

Loneliness is a dark color.

I never thought that things like heart-break and loneliness could have a color. Now that I am both heart-broken and alone, I see the true colors of my emotions. Loneliness is black and heart-break is a hazy red.

When you are in the dark, the blackness, you can never see anyone around. You don't know if someone is standing five inches from you, or five miles from you. You don't know if you are alone or if others are in the darkness, too.

When you are in the red, the color is so hazy that it makes your vision throb. Your vision throbs in the same way your heart throbs. When you try and look away, your vision is fuzzy. In those rare moments when your mind is distracted from the pain, your heart still tugs at you. He left you, he left you, he left you. He doesn't care, he doesn't love you. Brambleclaw, the love of your life, is gone. Even when my mind focuses on something other than the ThunderClan deputy, my hearts chants the cruel words at me. My vision is always blurry.

Brambleclaw contains my every thought. All I can ever think about is how much I love him, and how much I royally screwed everything up. Brambleclaw walked out of my life nearly three months ago. It's been fifty-two days, seven hours six minutes and exactly thirty-six seconds since Brambleclaw slammed the door in my face.

Fifty-two days, seven hours, seven minutes and fourteen seconds.

I thought I would be over him by now. I thought that by now I would hate him for breaking my heart. This is not me. I am not weak. But here I stand, tears dripping from my eyes. I want to tell Brambleclaw that the only reason I didn't tell him was because I was scared. I was petrified that he would leave me, that he would abandon me and I would be alone.

Brambleclaw has always been so far out of my league. I didn't think he'd love me enough to stay, and he didn't. I just didn't want to be alone. I needed him. I need him.

"Brambleclaw… why?" Why do I love him with this passion, this passion that is killing me and I mean nothing to him. Nothing at all.

I slip into bed, still wearing my clothes, and shut my eyes. It's only 7:30, but sleeping is better because it's like dying without hurting those you love. Sleeping is like temporarily dying, it takes all the pain away. That's all I want, is for the pain to go away.

So make it go away, Squirrelflight. Go to sleep forever. A little voice whispers into my ear.

How?

"Accidentally" take too many pills, fall asleep in the bathtub.

And it would all go away?

Yes, darling. The pain would go away.

But Leafpool…

She'd be okay. You just want Brambleclaw to be happy, right?

Yes, but-

He'd be happy if you were gone.

… He would…

I dial Brambleclaw's number, my heart racing as the dial tones picks up.

"Hello?" A deep, scratchy voice sounds through the speaker.

"Hi." My voice shakes, and Brambleclaw exhales deeply.

"What do you want, Squirrelflight?"

"... I- I just… uh… Well, I just wanted to hear your voice. I miss you, Brambleclaw. I really, really need you. You should come home to me. I'm so sorry, Brambleclaw, I am. Please, I'll do anything you want me to do. Please! I don't know what to do without you. Please, come home. I lo-"

"Don't you dare claim to love me, Squirrelflight! You lied to me for fourteen years. I'm not coming back, ever! I'm sure you're sorry, but I don't believe you. I told you before to stop calling me. I don't love you anymore, you mean nothing to me. Goodbye." The other line hangs up, and the tears cascade harder down my cheeks.

See? You mean nothing to him.

I make up my mind. Clambering out of bed, I go into the bathroom. I stare at myself in the mirror. My reflection stares back at me, but she does not look like me. Her eyes are dull, her skin is pale and splotchy from crying, her mouth is frowning. Her hand reaches inside the cabinet and selects a bottle of expired antibiotics. Her hand is full of blue and white pills, in the next second, her mouth is full of blue and white pills, the next second her stomach is full of blue and white pills.

This new, injured Squirrelflight is dying now. The old Squirrelflight has gone. I will go to sleep and never wake up. Brambleclaw won't have to look at me again. He can forget about me and be happy.

I know I have sometime before the medicine leaks into my veins and poisons my blood stream. I float into my closet and pull out a box of Brambleclaw's belongings. A blood-red t-shirt is at the top of the box. Next, a baggy old pair of gray sweatpants. Finally, a blue-checkered pair of boxers.

As I strip from my own clothing and slip into Brambleclaw's, my head starts to feel fuzzy. I don't have much time, now. I pick up a picture of the man I love and hold it close to my chest. I leave the closet and fall back into my bed. The picture of Brambleclaw slides out of my hands as the darkness tugs at my vision.

As I close my eyes for the last time, my last thought is: Brambleclaw, I love you and I'm sorry. I am so incredibly sorry.

"Squirrelflight?" A voice calls into the darkness. You're too late. I'm already gone.

Short chapter, I know, I know. But I'm having horrible writer's block. Argh. Hopefully, I'll have some inspiration by next week. Do you guys hate me for this chapter, was it too depressing? I just thought that poor Squirrelflight was so horribly upset. Please don't hate me! Till next Tuesday, bye!

~Honeyleaf