"air you're breathing out fades you to gray
don't run away, find me"

September 2012
**Justin**

For a moment he'd thought it was just an illusion – someone who looked eerily like Brian. But when the illusion simply stared back at him with hazel eyes so damned familiar, Justin knew it was really him. He felt his smile slide from his face as Aaron's voice carried over the din of constant chatter of conversation, laughter, and glasses clinking. Brian was here?

Fuck. Brian was here.

Justin's mouth went dry and his stomach twisted uncomfortably. This was it – the moment he'd imagined for years. He was face to face with Brian and he could finally tell him what he thought of him…except he couldn't.

Swallowing the nervous ball of energy that was bobbling around in his chest, Justin moved forward to intercept Aaron as he was within feet of Brian now. He instinctively wrapped his arm around Aaron's waist and kissed his cheek. He couldn't remember what had happened after that – not the words spoken or the gestures made. What he did know was he was looking once again upon the face of (God) the man who'd broken him; not just once, not just twice, but repeatedly. He was looking upon the man who'd sent him off to Los Angeles with the hope of promises that he'd never kept; that he'd never intended to keep.

Justin tried to reconcile the anger he'd felt for years with the man who stood before him now.

It'd been a fantasy he'd held on to for years. The imagined day, someday in the future, when he would once again cross paths with Brian. He'd dreamt of what he'd say to him (something witty and biting – the cruelty of the actual words changing day to day and with his mood), how he'd act (aloof, or happy, or maybe distraught…again, it was mood dependent). He'd imagined every possible thing he could do to make Brian feel the same pain and hurt he'd inflicted on Justin. The same devastation of a promised life crumbling into dust and blowing away on the wind; it could never be recovered or rebuilt.

For years. Then – he just stopped thinking about it because…because of Aaron.

So, when Justin did see Brian in Boston he found all his old plans and fantasies flooding his mind and confusing him. It'd been so long since he'd felt that particular hurt that now the feelings were nothing but puzzling.

Of course it had been years since he'd entertained any of those fantasies and they were but vague memories. Still none of that stopped all of it from surging back and making Justin want to do nothing but rail at Brian; yell and scream and demand a fucking explanation. Justin wanted to do all that and more – because he was owed at least that much. Yet, he didn't do anything at all which in retrospect he found might have been the greatest payback of all. Because Justin wasn't sure he really cared what the reasons or explanations were anymore.

He had seen on Brian's face the sadness and regret – even all these years later he could see behind the mask, through the chinks in the armor that Brian still wore. But it was too late. Justin had moved past it, had healed from it…or so he'd thought.

It was hard to move past the great love of your life hurting you so deeply when there'd been no closure for it – no certain and definite end. For years a small part of Justin had thought maybe Brian would just show up on his doorstep one day. That maybe he'd suddenly appear with a bouquet of flowers and an apology.

Justin wanted to laugh now at that naive fantasy. And it really had been a fantasy because Justin knew better than anyone that Brian didn't do flowers, and he most definitely didn't do apologies.

The real kicker was realizing he still loved him; he loved him hard and deep and quite painfully. He'd never stopped. Justin couldn't deny it and after seeing Brian again he knew those feelings would never go away. Brain had been his first everything – first kiss, first fuck, first love…he was also his first heartbreak. The pain of his breakup with Ethan paled in comparison to how Brian had made him feel. Of course that didn't mean he wanted Brian back…not when there was so much pain between them – more pain than pleasure. But Justin couldn't deny the way the man made him feel, and the way the man made his body react.

His initial, visceral reaction to seeing Brian again was shocking, and upsetting given the way things had ended. It was unwelcome and Justin hated his body for betraying him.

Seeing that face and those golden hazel eyes again Justin had lost his breath. He'd been thrown back in time and felt once more like that 17-year old kid, standing dejected and lost beneath a streetlight on Liberty Avenue; raising his head to find the steely, hot gaze of one Brian Kinney upon him, hypnotizing him, bewitching him. If not for Aaron's voice calling his name, Justin wasn't entirely sure he wouldn't have walked straight up to Brian and kissed him. It was an odd thought to have and it made him so fucking angry that Brian could still have that effect on him; that when he looked upon him, even still, the older man made his heart race and his palms sweat just by being and breathing.

Seeing him again so suddenly and unexpectedly had brought back every single one of the fucking emotions he'd thought had long ago been resolved – or at least put away in a place so deep and dark and protected that they'd never resurface. Then he was there, staring back at him with shockingly open and honest eyes; the color of which Justin had seen in his dreams for years as he'd tried to reconcile the man he'd thought he'd known Brian to be with the man that Brian had turned out to be.

Now they were on their way home, or to Aaron's temporary home. Justin couldn't stand to be there, so close to the man who'd hurt him so carelessly. He'd needed to escape and Aaron, per his usual, understanding self, hadn't questioned him and Justin loved him for it.

Glancing sidelong at Aaron, the glow of the city lights casting harsh shadows on the other man's complexion, Justin tried to ground himself in the present. In his life now; in Aaron. Aaron was being rather generous – having not broached the subject yet, though the air in the car was quite tense and the proverbial elephant riding along with them was growing larger by the moment.

"I -," Justin started, but stopped suddenly. He what?

Justin had no idea what to say.

"I'm sorry to make you leave early," Justin finally blurted, watching Aaron as he navigated the narrow streets of Boston to take them back to the temporary apartment the Symphony had arranged for him.

Aaron nodded, and Justin could see his mouth quirking as a slow grin spread across his face.

"It's okay, babe," Aaron turned to meet Justin's eyes, his smile full and bright and Justin was overwhelmed with love and affection for him. Reaching over Justin threaded his fingers into Aaron's, feeling a sense of security and certainty that he had never felt with Brian.

They fell silent again – the tension somewhat eased but still there, lingering, because honestly Brian was still lingering with Justin.

He'd looked good. Healthy, though a little too thin – at least thinner than Justin remembered – and he'd looked older too, but not older in a bad way. In fact, Justin was certain Brain was one of those men that would only get more attractive as he aged.

Shit! He'd just been standing there, staring at him so…calmly. It was wrong. It was unlike the Brian Justin remembered, though Justin was keenly aware that maybe his memories were slightly tainted from years of trying to forget the man who'd so cruelly shoved him off the top of the Grand Canyon and watched as the fall had broken him apart, nearly irreparably.

But still it had felt wrong. He had felt wrong.

For one, Brian had been polite. That right there was enough to give Justin pause. Brian was never polite. Ever. He was never friendly, or reserved, and if he was any of those things there was always an undercurrent of resentment or hostility to go with it – an obvious disdain evoking the sense of "I'm better than you". Justin had seen none of that, and if he hadn't long ago memorized the man's face, he wouldn't have recognized him at all because of its absence.

So what had changed him? What was so different now than eight years ago? What had tamed the wild beast and rendered the man unrecognizable in so many ways? Justin was desperate to know, yet didn't want to know at the same time.

What he really wanted was to put Brian behind him. To forget him, and move on. He wanted to finally heal.

They arrived back at Aaron's small, but quite stately, apartment and sat in the car together for some time, listening to the random clicks as the engine cooled.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Aaron finally spoke.

Justin shook his head; he wasn't sure how much Aaron had deduced but Justin was fairly certain he'd figured out who Brian was. Aaron knew a little bit about Brian, of course, but nowhere near everything.

Both his hands back in his lap, Justin twirled the ring on his left hand. The ring that symbolized the promise of a future so close within reach; a future certain to be full of happiness with a man who was good, and kind, and loving and everything Brian hadn't been.

Suddenly Justin felt a surge of anger at Brian for showing up in his life again and fucking with his perceived sense of security. Now that those long suppressed emotions were out and loose he wasn't sure he could put them back. He wasn't sure he wouldn't have to face them and it was frustrating because he was realizing he had been happier being ignorant of them.

"Do you need anything?" Aaron asked and Justin shook his head again.

"You?" he smiled.

Justin awoke with a start. He'd been dreaming about...something. He couldn't quite remember now, and the harder he tried the quicker the last vestiges of the dream disappeared into nothing, like the last tendrils of fog on a rainy morning.

He shivered, even though he was curled up tight beneath the covers of the bed with Aaron snug against him radiating body heat. Justin turned his head and stared at the face of his partner - he looked so young when he was sleeping and Justin smiled to himself.

Gently pressing a light kiss to the tip of Aaron's nose, Justin slowly extracting himself from the other man's embrace and rose from the bed, shivering properly as his naked skin was hit by the cool, still air of the apartment. Pulling on the sweat pants and t-shirt he'd shed several hours earlier when he and Aaron had gone to bed, Justin grabbed his cell phone off the nightstand and wandered out into the small living room. The blinds on the windows were drawn up, and the nighttime lights of Boston were softly illuminating the small space with an eerie glow that instead of calming him only added to Justin's overall discomfort.

His dream...it had left him feeling...odd? Anxious? Expectant for something, he knew not what.

It was because of Brian.

It was quite ridiculous that in Boston of all places and at a Symphony concert no less, he'd finally run into him again. Justin had always suspected there'd come a day when it would happen, but he'd figured it'd be in Pittsburgh, when he happened to be back visiting his mother which he did twice a year.

But no…it had to be fucking Boston.

The shock of seeing him still resonated, even hours later. Justin was beginning to realize it might not be as easy as he'd hoped it would be to just push that chance meeting out of his mind. The unresolved feelings that had been buried for years were bubbling up quite unbidden and most unwelcome - but they were bubbling up just the same.

Justin pressed the button on his phone and the clock came to life, illuminating his face as he stared down at it.

4:43am. Too early to call anyone.

Justin desperately needed to talk to someone about the events of the evening; unfortunately (or fortunately? it was hard to say which was true) there were precious few people still in Justin's life that could offer any sort of advice for this particular situation. Brian wasn't just any old ex-boyfriend and dealing with him and these new developments would be a special case situation altogether.

He actually wanted to call Michael (which was odd to think), but since they'd stopped writing Rage together five years or so ago they'd also fallen out of touch. Justin didn't blame Michael for that. They'd never really been that close to begin with, and after the movie the only reason they'd remained in contact was because of the comic book and of course their shared pain of what Brain had done. Justin had fed off Michael (and certainly the other way around as well) until there was nothing left to feed from and they'd collectively run the comic into the ground. It was hard to sustain such a creative endeavor when the person, the man, being idolized within it was no longer an idol to either creator. When Rage was over it was really no surprise their contact dwindled down to nothing. Certainly now, should Justin call, it would only serve to remind Michael of what Brian had done and as much as misery loved company, Justin couldn't do that to Michael.

There was Lindsay...they still chatted a few times a year, catching up now and then. Justin loved to hear about Gus – learning over the years how to prevent even that topic from reminding him of Brian. Lindsay could be helpful now, but Justin did not have much faith in her ability to keep his confidence. They'd grown exceptionally close right after the movie and Brian's awful behavior - but she was still the mother of his son, and of course they'd eventually mended fences. No, Justin couldn't talk to Lindsay because he couldn't be sure she wouldn't tell Brian; and that was the last thing Justin wanted.

There was his mother, or Deb, but neither of them could be the least bit objective when it came to the subject of Brian Kinney so it was best to keep them out of it altogether…

That left Daphne. She was really was the only choice, regardless. Daphne knew better than anyone else what the relationship with Brian had given, and cost, Justin. From the very beginning she'd seen it all, and had been there to help him pick up the pieces (on more than one occasion). Even with all that, Daphne was the most objective person when it came to love and relationships and specifically Brian. Justin knew she would not sugar coat her thoughts, or just tell him what she thought he'd want to hear. She would be honest and that was what he needed.

With a heavy sigh, Justin pressed the phone button and scrolled down to his best friend's name. He knew she was up - working. Still, even if she couldn't talk now she would call him back when she could. And that was all Justin needed her to do.

"Hello? Justin? Are you okay?" Her voice was laced with concern and Justin could've kicked himself. Normal people don't call their friends at four in the morning unless there's something wrong.

"Shit. Sorry Daph. I'm okay. Just...I couldn't sleep," he sighed, sinking down onto the plush sofa and leaning his head against the back cushions, closing his eyes. He was suddenly exhausted.

"You gave me a heart attack," she admonished and Justin smiled into the darkness.

"Good thing you're at a hospital then," he said, hearing the vague, muffled background sounds of indistinct talking and machines beeping.

Daphne was finishing her last year of residency at a hospital in Santa Fe and consequently was counting down the days until she could go back to Pittsburgh, having secured a fellowship at the hospital there (in Pediatrics). She actually missed Pennsylvania and Justin couldn't understand why. Though, having never been to New Mexico, maybe it was the lesser of two evils.

"What's wrong?" she asked softly and Justin sighed again.

"I saw him tonight at Aaron's thing," he said.

"You saw him," Daphne repeated and after a pause, "you don't mean... You mean Brian?"

"Yeah," Justin grumbled running his free hand through his hair, pulling and tugging at it in frustration.

"Oh my God. Oh my God! Are you okay? What happened?" she stammered.

"Can you talk now because I really don't want to get into it only to have you get pulled away. This whole situation is completely fucked. I'm completely fucked," Justin said.

"Shit. Um…I'm off shift in three hours so I'll call you on my way home and we can talk. Okay?"

"Thanks Daph," Justin felt relief flood through him and suddenly it was all he could do to keep his eyes open, his exhaustion taking possession of him.

They made plans to talk again later that morning and as Justin disconnected the call he sighed with relief. It wouldn't solve the problem, but being able to talk about it with her would go a long way towards making him feel even a little bit better about how he'd handled things not just at the party, but also all those years ago.

"Babe?"

Justin jumped at Aaron's voice, leaning forward from the sofa and twisting his body around. Aaron stood behind the sofa, wrapped in a blanket. His eyes were thick with sleep and his hair was sticking up quite comically out of control.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. I just woke up a little restless. I hope I didn't wake you," Justin stood from the sofa and walked over to Aaron.

"You didn't," Aaron replied, the last syllable stretching out as he yawned widely. Justin grinned at the endearing nature of him. He was still obviously half asleep but trying to carry on a conversation with him regardless.

"C'mon. Let's get you back to bed," Justin leaned in and kissed Aaron softly before he turned him round by the shoulders and guided him back to the bedroom.

"So tell me everything," Daphne said as soon as Justin answered his phone.

"Good morning to you, too," he laughed.

"Whatever. Tell me what happened, Justin. You're the one who called me in the middle of the night, remember?"

Justin sighed. He was out getting breakfast for himself and Aaron. The apartment wasn't stocked with any food so when Justin woke up again after a few more hours of restless sleep, he'd left Aaron tucked in bed (a note on his pillow) and had walked a few blocks to the small market. He was halfway back to Aaron's place when his phone had come to life in his pocket. Finding a spot of wall to lean against, Justin stopped, setting his groceries on the ground and watching as his fellow early risers passed by him without a second glance.

"Last night was the Symphony's gala. Aaron was brilliant, as always, and at the party afterwards I saw him. Fucking Brian was there," Justin replayed the moment in his memory, happy he was better able to control his emotions now that some time had passed and the initial shock had worn off a bit more.

Somehow, in the daylight, it didn't seem so bad; his reaction didn't feel so desperate or emotional. Still – there was something inside him that made it impossible for him to completely turn off all his feelings towards Brian. He had been a huge part of his life after all – he had helped form Justin into the person he was now, good or bad...

"And?" Daphne questioned with intense demand.

"And…and we saw each other. It was -," Justin paused, trying to find the right word to describe everything about it, "it was surreal."

"Surreal? Jesus, Justin," Daphne sounded awestruck and Justin smirked to himself.

"He looks just the same – a little older but still just as good looking," he smiled wider as Daphne snorted laughter, "he seemed different though."

"Different how?"

"I don't know. Softer in a way? Kinder maybe?"

"That doesn't sound like the Brian I remember," Daphne said and Justin imagined her shaking her head slowly.

"I know. That was why it was so surreal. He didn't seem like the Brian I remembered either. I mean, he looked the same, his voice sounded the same, hell he even smelled the same. But he didn't act the same and it's making me crazy trying to figure it out. I don't know what to do."

"What about Aaron?" Daphne asked.

"What about him?"

"How much does he know for one thing," Daphne responded and Justin closed his eyes for a moment before speaking again.

"He knows I was with a guy named Brian for several years and that it was on-again, off-again. But that's about it. I'm not sure he knows that the Brian he met last night is the same guy – though I'm sure he suspects it."

"You need to talk to him about this, you know."

"Yeah, I know. But I also feel this ridiculous urge to seek him out, too."

"Justin. Don't be dense," Daphne's voice took on a cautionary tone. "Remember what happened? How you were right after Rage and all that shit? Don't do that to yourself again. Please. You can't go back. You need to keep moving forward."

"I am moving forward…; I just…he's still with me and it's not fair to Aaron. I need to sort this shit out with Brian before I can comfortably move on."

"I thought you'd put Brian and all that behind you. I thought you'd already moved on?" Daphne questioned, panting a little. She lived close to the hospital so she speed walked to and from. It was one of her ways to get some exercise since working overnights had completely fucked her internal clock, which she freely bitched about all the time.

"I thought I had too," Justin fibbed.

He had never really put that whole thing behind him. He'd shoved it down deep and pretended it hadn't happened (after a long while of trying unsuccessfully to figure out what had happened), but he'd never dealt with it properly and now he was acutely aware that he had to deal with it, or it'd continue to sit inside him and fester until it eventually ruined his relationship with Aaron. And he didn't want it to ruin his relationship with Aaron. He wanted to be over it, and over Brian. As much as he could be, anyway.

"I get it. I do. Just…just be careful. Your heart is a fragile thing and I don't want to see it broken again," Daphne said and Justin was thankful for about the millionth time for her friendship.

"I will. But it's Aaron. He deserves all of me, not just the part of me that isn't still stuck on Brian. He fucking saved me after all…," Justin paused, catching sight of Aaron coming down the sidewalk towards him. "Shit. He's here."

"Brian?!" Daphne screeched.

"No. Aaron. I gotta go," Justin forced a smile as Aaron crossed the street and approached him.

"I'll call you when I get back to LA," he said as Aaron came to a stop in front of him wearing an infectious grin.

"Okay. Just please don't try to call Brian until you've talked to Aaron," she said and Justin rolled his eyes at Aaron, eliciting a small laugh from him.

"I won't. Later, Daph," he pocketed his cell before leaning down to pick up the two bags of groceries from the ground.

"What are you doing here?" Justin asked, letting Aaron take one of the bags and they started walking back towards the apartment.

"I woke up alone, again, and saw your note. I figured I'd walk down here and try to catch up with you," Aaron replied and Justin felt a tiny flash of guilt. This Boston Symphony guest spot appearance was a dream come true for Aaron, and Justin had spent almost all of his time in town obsessing over Brian instead of supporting Aaron and his success.

"I'm sorry," Justin said, feeling like he'd been apologizing far too much over the last 24 hours. Aaron deserved his attention, not apologies for being an after-thought or a distraction.

"Just don't leave me alone in bed again tonight," Aaron smiled, gently bumping his shoulder against Justin's. Justin gave a nod and a soft laugh, feeling more awful by the minute.

A few hours later they had eaten breakfast, showered, and were now lounging around the living room. Aaron was reading the Arts section of the Boston Herald, occasionally quoting lines from the various articles that had been written about the Symphony's performance the night prior and also about the "who 's who" of attendees of the gala after party. Justin was listening with half an ear, distracted by the sketches he was working on. He'd been recently hired as the Assistant Art Director for a new fantasy film based on a series of popular children's books, and he'd spent his plane ride to Boston reading the first book and making notes of his ideas and starting a few rough sketches. As he worked on them, though, he found his interpretation of the main villain uncomfortably resembling Brian a little too much.

"Hey," Aaron's toe lightly poked at Justin's thigh, bringing him back to the present, "are you listening?"

Justin looked at Aaron and smiled before quickly closing his sketch book. The face staring up at him from the page was far too familiar for comfort and Justin felt the pit of dread in his stomach grow. He had to do it now – there was no more putting it off.

"I need to tell you something," Justin twisted on his end of the sofa so he was sitting facing Aaron, his back against the armrest.

"Okay," Aaron said slowly, his brow furrowing as he set aside the newspaper and sat up a little straighter, crossing his legs underneath him.

"That guy last night at the after party? The one who knew me?"

Aaron nodded and Justin could see he already knew what he was going to say. Still – he pressed on.

"That was the Brian I told you about. My ex."

"I figured," Aaron said and Justin sighed.

"Yeah, but there's a lot more to our history than I've told you," Justin crossed his arms and hugged himself, feeling vulnerable and open for attack. There was so much about those years with Brian that had informed Justin and made him the man he was now. Good and bad. He wasn't sure how he could, or if he should, explain it in a way that wouldn't make Aaron doubt Justin's feelings for him. Justin wasn't even sure it was fair of him to tell Aaron about most of it, but he had to try if for no other reason than the fact that Aaron had always been honest with him.

Plus, if Justin wanted any sort of future with Aaron, and he did so desperately, then he deserved to know as much as Justin could bear to tell, and as much as he could bear to hear.

"I met Brian when I was seventeen years old," Justin stated, deciding it best to start at the beginning. He didn't miss the look of surprise that crossed Aaron's features.

"He took my virginity the night we met," Justin pressed on, carefully watching Aaron's face for signs of discomfort or distress. He didn't want to hurt Aaron, but he needed to make him understand why it had been so fucking awful to see Brian at that party. He needed to make Aaron understand why he was still so distracted by him.

"I fell for him hard that night, and I stalked him for days – hoping for more. He was like a drug I couldn't get enough of. All I wanted was to be with him. To touch him, to have him touch me. I wanted to learn everything he could teach me about sex, and I wanted to do nothing but get off with him over and over forever. I think -," Justin paused, smiling slightly and shaking his head, "no, I know, I drove him crazy. I was an annoying, lovesick teenager. But he kept coming back for more so I think he liked being able to teach me things. I think he liked my willingness to do anything to please him."

Aaron was silent, his expression unreadable. Justin chewed his lip and folded his hands in his lap, trying to relax before he continued.

"Every thought I had, every action I took, was with the intention of impressing Brian enough that he'd continue to want to be with me. I lived in a constant state of fear that he'd ditch me one day. I mean, why would a twenty nine year old want to be with a seventeen year old?"

"Why indeed," Aaron murmured and Justin smiled sadly.

Why indeed…it was a valid question at the time and even still Justin wondered. Did Brian put up with him all those years ago simply because he let him do whatever the fuck he wanted? Because as a horny teenager Justin was the only person who wanted sex as often and as repeatedly as Brian did?

"We were never exclusive, but after I was bashed I moved in with Brian and he took care of me. For several months he was with no one but me and I was so happy. I had my man and I was under the illusion that we were a real couple. But as the PTSD faded and I slowly healed he also resumed his old ways, tricking on the side. I was offended, and finally grew sick of it. So I left him for -," Justin paused, suddenly only just realizing how obnoxious he was for falling for another fucking violinist. He breathed a soft laugh before finishing his thought, "I left Brian for a musician I met at my college."

"It was refreshing to be in a relationship with someone my own age, who wanted to be with only me and who adored me. But he didn't adore me enough not to cheat on me. That was when I realized that though Brian tricked, he always came back to me and he never hid it or lied about it or tried to excuse it. It was a part of him, and had been since the very start, and if I wanted him back I had to be okay with that. And surprisingly, I figured out I was okay with that. I just wanted to be with him again and I was willing to put up with tricking and drinking and drugs just to be with him," Justin paused, watching Aaron closely. His expression was curious and disbelieving, but Justin wondered if his estimation of him had fallen; he wondered if Aaron would want to be with him after he learned of the doormat of a man he'd been.

"Together Brian and I brought down a corrupt politician, and things were the best they'd ever been between us. We were on equal ground, and I felt happy and I think Brian was happy too. Then, he got cancer and everything turned to shit again."

"He kicked me out for accidentally finding out because he'd never intended to tell me, embarrassed or whatever because he only had one fucking ball. I was so mad; and I think he only took me back because he was too sick from the Radiation to fight me. I forced my way back into his life for the third time…"

Justin realized suddenly that in their entire history, it had always been him fighting. Justin was the one constantly chasing Brian; the one working to strengthen their relationship; the one putting forth all the effort. He wondered how he'd never consciously realized it before and he was embarrassed for how pathetic he must sound to Aaron.

"In the meantime, Michael and I were writing Rage and then suddenly there was Brett Keller, wanting to make a fucking movie! I came to California to help him pitch it and he made me a job offer I couldn't refuse. It was an opportunity of a lifetime."

"When I got back to Pittsburgh, Brian asked me to move in. For the first time since we'd met, he was making a gesture simply because he wanted to be with me. I should have seen it then, when I told him about the job Brett had offered me. Looking back, things changed between us in that moment, but I didn't see it. And when Brian never came to visit after I moved out to LA for the movie, I should have realized. But it wasn't until the premier that I finally got it. When he didn't show up, or call, or make any contact at all I finally figured it out. He'd let me go – only he'd done it over the course of all the months I'd been in LA, and without giving me a choice, or a chance. I had been living my life under the assumption that everything was as it had been, and would never change. I hadn't seen it coming and he broke me – shattered me, really. That was the last time I spoke to him; eight, almost nine years ago now."

"And then you saw him last night," Aaron said. His expression was unreadable still, and Justin shifted uncomfortably on the sofa.

"Yes," he replied.

"And that's why you wanted to leave the party," Aaron continued and Justin nodded.

"I thought it must have been something like that. Not all those details obviously, but the more I thought about it, and the more distracted you acted last night, the more I realized that must have been the Brian you'd mentioned in passing."

Justin kept his eyes locked with Aaron, willing the other man to understand that he hadn't been trying to be deceitful or secretive.

"I get it," Aaron shrugged, "I do. Older men, particularly when you're so young, can be quite controlling and manipulative."

Justin bit his tongue, the urge to defend Brian almost a primal reaction. Yet Brian didn't need defending; he had been controlling, and manipulative, and Justin had been a willing and complicit victim; he'd been aware, much of the time, of the games Brian was playing with his emotions – but back then he had wanted more to be with Brian than anything else (he'd yearned for him, God could he remember the deep ache he'd get when he'd think of him…) and so he'd put up with it. But Brian was not the focus here. The focus was saving his relationship with Aaron, and that meant putting Brian out of his life for good.

"I never dealt with the heartache of Brian's rejection. I pushed it down and numbed it. You remember what I was like when we first met?"

Aaron nodded, his expression softening and Justin breathed a sigh of relief. It would be okay; he suddenly knew it would all be okay.

"So you're battling unresolved emotions. You've got old feelings reasserting themselves and making you doubt things," Aaron's voice was so clinical, it was obvious he was trying to contain fear.

"No! God; I'm not doubting anything. I'm not doubting you, or us," Justin leaned forward reaching out his hands and grasping Aaron's calf, massaging it before slowly moving his hands up his leg.

"But I am trying to sort out the unresolved feelings I still have about him. It's fucking confusing, and overwhelming, and terrifying because more than anything else I don't want to lose you," Justin inched forward, his hands on Aaron's thigh now.

Aaron had saved him. He'd been at his lowest point when he'd met him and Justin wasn't entirely sure he wouldn't be dead now if not for Aaron coming into his life. Aaron deserved nothing but adoration and respect.

"I'm going to work through this, and push Brian out of my life forever. I just…I wanted you to know about it. I might…I don't know. I might be weird. Or different. Detoxing from Brian Kinney can be complicated and messy and I don't want you to think something is wrong – or that it's you because it's not you. It's never you," Justin was practically on top of Aaron now, his lips inches away from the other man's face and his eyes searching the other man's bright green eyes.

"Okay," Aaron breathed as Justin felt his strong, nimble hands light on his ass, squeezing and pulling him closer.

"Okay," Justin repeated with a smile before he pressed his lips to Aaron's and forgot, for the moment, all about Brian Kinney.

Justin was back in Los Angeles two days later while Aaron stayed in Boston to finish his stint with the Symphony. He'd be there for two months and if not for the new film Justin would have stayed with him. But, there was a new film and so Justin was back in California and back at work. After talking with Aaron and clearing the air he'd felt so much better about things and had been able to finish almost twenty concept art sketches while there, and on the flight back. He felt good, and inspired, and was excited to get started on setting up his team for development.

He'd also decided, after talking to Daphne, not to contact Brian. Just talking about him with Aaron had been therapeutic and Justin was feeling the beginnings of his healing process. It would be surprisingly easy, he thought, to get over the shit from eight years ago and it was because he had Aaron in his life; a mature, supportive, and loving man who only wanted Justin to be happy and healthy. Yes, with Aaron's support Justin was absolutely positive he'd be able to wash Brian Kinney out of every nook and cranny of his body and soul. He could see now how toxic and unhealthy his entire relationship with Brian had been – and he worried if he tried to resolve that old image with the man Brian seemed to be now Justin wasn't sure he wouldn't be sucked back in and he didn't want that. He didn't want to lose what he had now. He didn't want anyone or anything else but Aaron.

A week later, Justin met with the location scout hired by the new film's director. He wanted to take Justin to New York. The new film they were in pre-production for would be filmed partly on location and partly on soundstages and New York City was the desired location, since the books were actually set there. Justin was grateful for distraction (since he was missing Aaron) but didn't relish returning to the East Coast – it was a little too close to Pittsburgh (and Brian) for comfort, but he resolved that overall discomfort with the fact that because Brian was in Pittsburgh, there would be no chance of running into him in New York City.

And so he went.