"lay here it's safe here I'll let you be broken open
hide here confide here so we can be broken open"

October 2012
**Justin**

"How was the concert tonight?"

Justin was lying on the bed in his hotel room, his cell nestled in the crook of his neck as he channel surfed. The only light in the room was the illumination of the muted television, and with each channel change the colors in the room changed, a bit like Justin's moods since seeing Brian earlier. Blue, green, red, yellow, white…nothing constant, nothing steady, nothing he could count on. It was all a big mess, changing moment to moment and it was quite torturous.

Not finding anything too interesting, and tired of the barrage of images assaulting him as the channels cycled one after another, he settled on a home and garden show, watching as people he didn't know redecorated a back patio and listening as Aaron talked about the last few performances of the Symphony. He was still in Boston, and would be until the last weekend of November. Justin missed him – more so now that Brian had suddenly reappeared in his life for a second time.

"How's New York?" Aaron finally asked and Justin sighed heavily.

He didn't want to tell Aaron about seeing Brian again. Not because he wanted to hide it from him, but rather because he didn't want to have to go back and explore those feelings and emotions yet again. Telling Aaron about Brian had been a huge catharsis, one he'd thought had cured him of the gaping, wounded hole that had remained in his heart from that awful time all those years ago. But it hadn't. Seeing Brian again had only made the gaping, wounded hole reassert itself and grow larger; seeing Brian again had only made the lack of resolution of his feelings towards the man who'd been everything to him for so long all the more apparent.

He couldn't lie; he wouldn't lie. That wasn't how they worked as a couple and Justin wanted nothing more than to make sure they survived this…didn't he?

"Babe? What is it?" Aaron's tone grew worried.

"Fuck. It's nothing. Just…," Justin sighed again, "I ran into someone unexpected."

"Someone…," Aaron's voice trailed off and Justin could almost hear through the phone the wheels turning in his head. "You mean Brian? You saw him there? In New York?"

He sounded disbelieving, and Justin wanted nothing more than to tell him he was wrong, but Aaron wasn't wrong and so he said nothing and then it was Aaron's turn to sigh.

"What happened this time," he prodded softly, though Justin thought he detected a note of frustration.

"I was with Jerry in Chelsea scouting for shooting locations. There are some great abandoned, waterfront warehouses along the Hudson. Afterwards we went our separate ways and met up again a few hours later at this bar Jerry goes to sometimes. He wanted to play pool but all the tables were full so we sat at the bar. Then suddenly Brian was there and he just started talking. It was really strange."

Strange was the understatement of the millennium, but Justin left it at that – there was no need to burden Aaron with his confusion. He couldn't help, and he'd only make things more muddled for Justin.

"Apparently he lives in New York," Justin added, offering a soft laugh as if to try and send Aaron a message; like haha this situation is so funny don't you think? Only it wasn't funny. It sucked.

He wanted to be angry that no one had told him Brian had moved, but he couldn't be. After everything had happened Justin had made it abundantly clear to everyone that he didn't want to hear about Brian in any way, shape, or form. And really why would they tell him? Justin lived in LA so it shouldn't have mattered; they should never have crossed paths again. Except now they had, and Justin was feeling conflicted and confused and angry all over again.

"Are you okay?" Aaron asked and Justin heard the restraint in his voice.

"Yes," Justin said. "Brian only spoke to me for a few minutes. He was there with someone."

Aaron had been more than understanding after Justin had told him about his past with Brian, but that was when both men thought Brian would be gone from their lives again; after they'd thought the meeting in Boston was a one time, random thing. Neither one of them could have thought this would happen. And Justin knew Aaron was likely crawling out of his skin because of it – hell, Justin knew he would be if Aaron told him he kept running into an ex, especially if it was an ex that had a past with him like kind of past Justin had with Brian.

"I should come to New York," Aaron blurted and Justin smiled, his heart warming with the possessive and protective tone in Aaron's voice. It felt nice to have someone be so outwardly jealous over him. It felt nice to be so desired.

"Don't. I'm flying back to LA tomorrow morning."

"I thought you were staying there for a few days?" Aaron asked.

"I got enough of what I needed today so I'll just head back a day early. It's no big deal," Justin said, suddenly uncomfortable.

"Sure. No big deal," Aaron's tone had shifted and he suddenly sounded slightly angry.

"Are you pissed?" Justin asked, sitting up and switching the phone to his other ear.

"No," he answered curtly.

"Yes you are. You're pissed at me. Why? I didn't do anything wrong," Justin said gently as he turned off the television and the room descended into darkness.

"Forget it."

"No. Tell me what's pissed you off," Justin stood from the bed and walked through the dark room to the window. He had a nice view of the Hudson, and he could see a boat slowly moving upriver, its lights flashing. He wondered where Brian lived and if he had a view of the river; if he was standing at his own window, watching this same boat; if that other man was with him, if they were naked and holding each other…

"Just forget it," Aaron sighed, disrupting Justin's very dangerous train of thought.

"Just fly back home. Run away again," Aaron spoke coolly and Justin could only close his eyes and lean his forehead against the cold glass of the window. He hated when Aaron got into one of his moods – there was nothing to do but let him go through it. Justin was all too familiar with them – their first year together was full of them, especially when Justin had a particularly rough day emotionally. Aaron had never understood that about Justin. Aaron could be caring and sensitive, but he couldn't understand depression or anxiety or loneliness. Aaron had never been abandoned without hope. So his patience would wear thin sometimes, and not that often especially after they'd been together for some time. Still – Justin could see that was where this outburst was coming from and so he just let him expel his anger. He knew it wasn't really directed at him, but rather at the situation that was fucking up their comfortable life. And Justin could understand that reaction – hell, he wanted to scream and rail and throw a fit too, but it wouldn't resolve anything.

"We can talk more tomorrow," Aaron added after a long silence.

"Yeah," Justin sighed.

"I love you," Aaron said and Justin, for the first time since Aaron had whispered those words into his ear – his cock buried to the hilt as he came inside him, for the first time felt some uncertainty that he really loved Aaron back.

The following morning Justin awoke with a fresh perspective and the realization that of course he loved Aaron – it simply wasn't all-consuming and all-overpowering like his love for Brian was…had been? Is?

Whatever he still felt or didn't feel for Brian, Aaron was right about one thing, Justin was running away. But he didn't care. He didn't care if it sounded weak, or if it made him look pathetic, or childish, or weak, or whatever. He was okay with it and his opinion of himself was the only opinion he'd learned really mattered. It had taken him a long time to learn to live his life for himself and not for others, and he'd be damned if he was going to change that now.

No; he would rather go back to Los Angeles early and risk the wrath of Ross than stay one more day in Chelsea and run the risk of bumping into Brian again. Because Justin had a pretty good idea what might happen should he see Brian again…the long buried feelings and emotions inside him were already stirred up enough, he didn't need fuel for that fire and he knew if he saw Brian, if he talked to him, he'd quickly be holding a raging bonfire in his chest. Justin knew, the more he saw of Brian, the more the other man would worm his way back into his life and the more Justin would have to face the unresolved conflict he still felt inside. And Justin didn't want to face it any longer – he was over it. He was ready to bury it where it could never be disturbed again and the only place he could safely do that was in LA, and with Aaron.

He just wanted desperately to move on. He wanted to be with Aaron. He felt safe, and happy, and secure with Aaron. He didn't want Aaron to doubt he loved him, because he did love him.

But he loved Brian, too, and that was just a fact. One he'd reluctantly realized the truth of somewhere over Nevada. But what could he do about it? What was there to do about it? Brian was old news, they'd tried and they'd failed and it had taken Justin a very long time to heal himself from that. It was dangerous to think about going back. But the conflicting emotions he felt for the two men, which had been easy to ignore the last few years, were becoming less so.

Justin had never expected to be face to face with Brian ever again. But now he had been; twice. And now Justin had to face that fact that he was in love two men, albeit in vastly different ways, and he had to face the fact that one way or another he needed to figure out how to let one of the men go.

The subsequent days Justin was trapped inside his own head. Justin did still love Brian. He supposed he always would. But whether that was something he could live with, or whether it was even healthy, was another matter altogether. What he knew was seeing Brian yet again, in that bar in Chelsea, had been even more of a surprising gut punch than seeing him in Boston had been.

The choice – Aaron or Brian – should have been easy; a no-brainer. Aaron was everything Justin had ever wanted. Someone who loved him, who challenged him, who respected him, who admired him, who always made him laugh and sometimes make him cry.

Brian was…someone who always made him cry and sometimes make him laugh. Yes, Justin could recall moments when it seemed Brian had respected him, or admired him, and dare he think maybe loved him? But the more Justin thought about it the angrier it made him because even when things between them were the best they'd ever been, Brian always made Justin uncertain about everything; Justin always had to "guess" if Brian was feeling one thing or another; Justin had to hope he was reading the very mixed and veiled signals correctly and it was fucking hard. It was partly why he'd left Brian for Ethan – to a disastrous end. And it was partly why he went back after Ethan – because as much as Brian kept hidden from him, there was also just enough he offered to appease Justin – and he lived for those moments; those nuggets. But in the end, aside from the sex (which – truthfully – Aaron could never hope to equal Brian in bed, but Justin was plenty satisfied anyway), they never really made much sense together.

But it was Brian, and everything Justin hated about him he also loved about him. He wasn't an open book, and it was work to figure him out but when Justin did, on those rare occasions, he was blessed with a true insight into the man – and the man he saw in those moments, the one behind the mask, was fucking amazing and worth all the pain.

But there had been far more of the former than latter. More pain than pleasure. And after Brian left him in LA without a word or a phone call or even a fucking email or text message, Justin easily forgot those good parts. The moments that had made it all worth it. The bad far outweighed the good, not only in reality but also in memory.

Now though, after having seen Brian in Boston and then again in New York, he was reminded of the good – the moments few and far between that used to give him such joy.

Part of that was the fact that Brian was very noticeably different. The Brian Kinney Justin had known all those years ago was essentially gone; there were flickers of him there, in an expression, or a word, or a gesture, but he was inherently different and Justin was desperate to know why. He didn't want to believe it had been what had happened after Rage, but a small part of him held out a tiny bit of hope that Brian had realized how awful his behavior had been, and had striven to improve himself over the years. Hell, he'd lost all his friends and family after that, how could that not change a man?

But if that were true, why wouldn't he have come to LA or tried to call Justin and make amends so they could both put that horrible event behind them?

Justin knew the answer to that, too. No apologies, no regrets.

Justin wanted to laugh about it – that damn fucking mantra Brian would repeat over and over. A part of Justin had agreed to an extent – why regret something after it's done when it's done. Being regretful can't make something undone. But conversely, he also thought there was no shame in being remorseful for hurts inflicted or actions that had devastating effects.

As for the no apologies? Fuck that. Justin would have taken Brian back in a heartbeat – at least up to the day he and Aaron had met – if he'd just come to Justin and apologized.

But he hadn't, and Justin had met Aaron and now they were together and happy and…

…and what?

Something was still missing. And with thoughts of Brian in his head, for better or worse, Justin slowly began to realize what it was. It was excitement, and anticipation, and uncertainty. Things with Aaron were safe, and predictable, and comfortable and it wasn't that Justin didn't like those things because he did, but their relationship completely lacked anything else. He'd gone from one extreme to the other; and it was partially by design.

After Justin met Aaron he hadn't wanted excitement, or anticipation, or a playful sense of uncertainty because his life had been a mess for years because of all of those things. He'd needed to heal. But now he was better, and he was healed. He was shocked to discover he was bored.

But even more than that, he realized he desperately needed answers. The biggest revelation brought about from seeing Brian again was the desire Justin had to move on. He wanted to close the door on that chapter of his life. No matter what might happen afterwards, he wanted what had happened in the eight years since he'd been dumped by Brian on the streets of LA to be forever locked up in his past. Nothing lingering; no more unanswered questions or wounds festering. He wanted closure and try as he might to find an alternative solution, he could only come up with one way that could be achieved.

"Please don't ask me why, and please, please don't say anything to anyone," Justin prefaced his request. His heart was racing and his mouth was dry. He hated what he was doing while also feeling some of that missing excitement at the prospect of what could happen next.

"Okay," Lindsay replied slowly, cautiously.

"I need Brian's phone number," he said quietly and he just barely heard her breath catch.

"Sure," she replied finally and Justin could hear in her voice she was fighting back the urge to ask him why. But she didn't ask why, and Justin was both grateful and relieved because he was even having a hard time rationalizing this step to himself – though it made perfect sense, it was dangerous and he wasn't sure how Aaron would feel knowing what Justin might do.

She rattled off the numbers and Justin wrote them down with a slightly unsteady hand. He was terrified because the fact that he was asking meant he might actually need to make the call. It meant he was one step closer to closing that door and as much as he wanted to do it, he was also fucking terrified of the process of getting there, and what it would mean when the pain was finally gone forever.

"Be careful, please," she said then, and Justin smiled to himself.

"Don't worry. I know what I'm doing," he said, partly for himself as much as for her. He paused, adding, "Just...just don't tell him you gave me his number. Okay? Please?"

"I won't. Don't worry. I'm more concerned that you're okay. I don't want you to backslide," she said.

"I won't. I'm not that guy anymore so don't worry, please. I have Aaron to anchor me and-," he paused, taking a shaky breath before continuing, "I just need to know. I need to hear, from him, why he did what he did because until that happens I won't be able to get over it. Not really. And I want to get over it. I want to move on. I'm ready to move on."

"Okay," she said, and Justin could hear the hesitant smile he imagined she wore on her voice. He was thankful for Lindsay's friendship - even if it had been strained for a little while, while Justin tried to get used to the idea that she could be friends with him and Brian at the same time.

"Give Gus a hug, or a high five, or whatever passes for cool with twelve year olds these days," Justin replied and Lindsay laughed.

"I will."

It was one thing to have Brian's cell phone number in his hand, and it was another to actually press the numbers and make the call. Justin spent the last weeks of October going about business as usual all the while knowing the phone number was there, in his hands waiting to be used.

He spent his hours at work, mindlessly drawing sketch after sketch while imagining a million different ways the conversation could go. Sometimes it ended well, sometimes it ended badly. Sometimes it ended with Justin fantasizing about he and Brian together and when that happened he had to excuse himself to the bathroom.

As October faded into November, Justin spent more time at work, and when he wasn't at work he was at the gym. He found being at home with Aaron still away in Boston, gave him too much time and space and freedom to continue his fantasies. And Justin didn't want to mar his home with Aaron with thoughts or images of Brian. So if he wasn't sleeping, he wasn't there.

Mid-November his mother called and asked him for the fourth time to please come back to Pittsburgh for Thanksgiving. Molly would be home, and his mother wanted to spend the holiday with her two children.

Justin reluctantly agreed; the only saving grace the fact that Aaron could fly in from Boston and spend a long weekend with him there. In fact, it was the thought of that trip which spurred Justin, one night about a week before he was due to fly to Pittsburgh, to pull out his phone and dial Brian's number.

He panicked almost immediately, but he didn't hang up. Instead he stood in the middle of his apartment, his home with Aaron, while the phone on the other end rang, and rang, and rang before finally being answered by the electronic voicemail – it wasn't even a personalized message, which Justin was actually thankful for. Had he heard Brian's voice he might have said or done something he'd regret later.

Hanging up the phone before the message ended, he sighed.

Just making the call had been a huge step, and though he still didn't have the answers he sought, he knew he was one step closer to putting all that shit behind him. And with that realization, he smiled.

The studio was closing for the entire week of Thanksgiving so Justin flew out to Pittsburgh on the Sunday before the holiday. His mother was ecstatic to see him and Molly wouldn't stop chattering on about college. She was in her first year at Penn State and she absolutely loved it.

Aaron, who had a show on Sunday night and then the rest of the week off until the following Friday when he'd have to go back, would fly in arriving around dinner time. To pass the time until he saw Aaron again, Justin spent that Monday revisiting old haunts, and reacquainting himself with old friends.

His first stop was the Liberty Diner, and though his ears were ringing and his ribs were sore after Debbie was done squealing in his ear and squeezing the life out of him, he was happy he'd gone by. He hadn't seen Debbie since Ted and Blake's ceremony years earlier. He hadn't come back to Pittsburgh but a few times, and when he had, he hadn't wanted to see any of the people that would remind him of Brian. But now was different. He was working out those demons and exorcising Brian from his life. But he was also feeling nostalgic for the old connections he'd had in his life and he wanted to reconnect, renew the relationships. Debbie was high on that list, as a surrogate mother and someone who had almost literally saved his life on more than one occasion.

Justin promised to bring Aaron by to meet her before he left, on a mission to find Emmett next, and it was while searching for Emmett that Justin ran into Michael and Ben. They were coming out of Red Cape Comics and for a moment Justin almost didn't recognize them. Ben was thinner yet still in great shape, and Michael was starting to look slightly pudgy, with noticeable gray at his temples. It contrasted oddly with his baby-face.

The greeting was pleasant, but slightly awkward. After Rage the comic had died, Justin and Michael had stopped talking and seeing each other again after so long left a lot of lengthy pauses and awkward small talk. But Ben carried them through and soon Justin felt like no time had passed. Before they parted ways Justin found himself promising to bring Aaron over to their house for dinner before the week was out.

Justin couldn't find Emmett that day – but he did see Ted. Curious about how it looked, Justin had gone by the Kinnetik offices. Knowing Brian was in New York he felt quite assured that he wouldn't see him there – but if he saw Cynthia it'd almost be worse. Justin knew for a fact that Cynthia would tell Brian he'd been around. So he hung back, staring at the old converted bathhouse for a full fifteen minutes or so before heading back to his car. That was when he bumped into Ted.

They had a happy reunion, and Ted immediately invited Justin (and Aaron) over for dinner with he and Blake. Justin accepted while hoping Aaron didn't mind that they now had dinner plans for every night of the week. Ted than gave Justin the lowdown on Kinnetik, and that was when Justin learned Cynthia was in New York with Brian – which actually made perfect sense.

Ted gave Justin Emmett's phone number, and they made final plans to have dinner on Wednesday night together, both promising to try and get Emmett to commit to come over as well.

By the time Justin got back to his mom's new house it was time to leave again to pick up Aaron. Molly wanted to go along, so the two drove to the airport together, Molly regaling Justin with more stories from college. She was a welcome distraction – and it wasn't very long after they got to the airport that Aaron had landed and he and Justin were reunited.

Though Jennifer had wanted Justin and Aaron to stay at the house for the entire week, Justin convinced her that it'd be better if they got a hotel room, at least for the first part of the week. He didn't want to spell it out for her, but Justin and Aaron had been apart nearly two months and so all they wanted to do was be with each other. Thankfully, his mother had understood his insinuation and so that night, after dinner, Justin took Aaron back to the hotel he'd booked downtown, and they fucked each other's brains out – several times.

It was only later, when they were lying in bed together, Aaron asleep and Justin trying desperately to join him, that Justin realized he'd been thinking of Brian the whole night long. He'd just been reunited with his boyfriend – fiancé actually – after two months apart and their first night together he'd imagined he was with Brian.

What that meant he wasn't sure, but it certainly didn't bode well – and it didn't allow Justin much of a restful night's sleep, either.