"broken pieces, break into me
showing perfectly what you should be"

December 2012 – March 2013
**Justin**

"I wanna go to Hollywood, and see Grauman's Chinese Theatre, and Disneyland! Oh mom, can we please go to Disneyland!"

Justin was driving back to his place having just picked up Molly and his mother from the airport. Molly hadn't stopped talking since they'd gotten into the car, and her iPhone was permanently stuck out the car window as she took picture after picture and posted them on her Twitter and Instagram. Apparently, she proudly boasted to Justin, she had over 300 followers on Instagram; whatever that meant. Justin still had a flip-phone. He didn't feel compelled to stay connected 24/7 like most people; like his sister, or like Aaron who also had the latest and greatest. Justin figured he and Molly could bond over their love of Apple products and technology since Justin never did engage with Aaron when he started ranting about the latest app, or whatever.

"We'll see, honey," Jennifer smiled at Justin, "we're only here five days, and one of those days is Christmas so don't count on it."

Justin heard Molly huff her annoyance in the backseat.

"I'm sure we can figure it out," Justin murmured under his breath, but his mother just shook her head.

"Every day since I told her we were coming she's had a different list of things she wants to do and see," she smiled. "Don't worry about it."

While Jennifer had come out for the Rage premiere, Molly had been too young to come and Craig had thrown a fit over it anyway – flat out refusing to give his permission. So this was Molly's first time to California and she was appropriately giddy. Justin could understand, his sister had always been exuberant and excitable.

"How'd your classes go, Mollusc?" Justin grinned at her in the rear view mirror, laughing when she screwed her face up in irritation.

"God, don't call me that!" she shuddered and Justin rolled his eyes.

"Classes went good, four A's and one A minus," she smiled and Justin nodded.

"Impressive," he smiled at his mother. He was glad one of her children was a scholar and would finish school. It bothered him occasionally, how he'd never finished and sometimes he thought about trying to go back, just to get that damned degree…but then he'd wonder why – he already had a great job and he was doing work he really enjoyed…still, the thought lingered at times.

"Yeah, except the special seminar for next year is already full," she grumbled.

"What special seminar?"

"Every spring the Architecture school brings in a working professional to host a six-week seminar. This semester it's Helena Rosenthal - and you know she's who inspired me to study architecture in the first place! But the seminar filled up over a week before I was even eligible to register. And there's already fifteen people on the wait list ahead of me. Basically, every single person signed up would have to drop the seminar for me to get in. It sucks."

"Sorry Molls," Justin glanced at his mother and she nodded to indicate this was a "very serious issue" indeed.

"Whatever," she sighed, crossing her arms and pouting for about five minutes before she was back taking photos out the car window and laughing with delight at all the new sights.

Aaron had ordered Chinese and had the table set and waiting when Justin got back with his mother and sister in tow. Everyone greeted each other warmly before they settled in to eat. It was only five minutes into dinner before Molly and Aaron were comparing their phones (Aaron had the brand new iPhone 5 while Molly still had the 4S) and Justin and his mother just exchanged knowing glances and observed them with amused expressions.

The following day Molly and Jennifer were up with the sun, a circumstance of the three hour time change from Pittsburgh to Los Angeles. Justin forced himself out of bed, leaving a snoring Aaron snuggled beneath the covers and taking his mom and sister on a morning hike up Runyon Canyon. Molly was beside herself, again, when she saw the view of the Hollywood sign afforded from the top of the trail.

"Oh, can we go to the Griffith Observatory? They filmed some of 'Rebel Without a Cause' there, you know!"

Molly bounced on her toes while grinning at Justin.

Smiling, Justin shrugged, "Probably."

"Yes!" she squealed and Jennifer laughed.

Later that day, after returning home and showering and napping, Justin took Molly (his mom wanted to stay home and wrap the Christmas gifts she'd brought cross-country) to Grauman's where she promptly tried to fit her feet into every celebrity's imprints, taking picture after picture on her phone all the while.

Justin watched her, finding her excitement a bit infectious and he even allowed her to take a few pictures of him pressing his hands and feet into the cement imprints of various stars. Then, when Justin's hands proved no bigger than Judy Garland's Molly fell into a fit of hysterics that, though Justin was irritated by, he found himself joining in with.

He and Molly returned home just a few minutes before Aaron also got back. He was busy with rehearsals for the "Christmas Spectacular" at the Hollywood Bowl and Justin, Jennifer and Molly had tickets for the performance on Christmas Eve – Justin was excited for his mother and sister to see Aaron play, finally. The concert promised to be pretty damn fantastic anyway, of that Justin was certain. The LA Philharmonic had never put on a bad concert in the three years Justin had been going in support of Aaron.

Molly scoured the tree with the newly wrapped presents beneath it, before the quartet went out for dinner. Justin was thrilled at the way the visit was going so far, and he hoped the next several days were as fun and drama-free as the first one had been.

The following day was the 23rd, and after much begging and pleading through breakfast, Justin gave in and drove Molly and his mother to Anaheim (not an insignificant drive in LA!), to Disneyland. Aaron had smirked and whispered "Good Luck" into his ear as he'd left for another day of rehearsals – this time on the stage at the Bowl – and Justin had swatted his ass as he passed. The crowds at Disney were likely to be insane, but his sister was determined and with nothing else more pressing to do, Jennifer finally gave in and said if Justin was willing to drive them, they could go.

That was how Justin found himself at Disneyland, two days before Christmas, amongst an oppressive crowd of loud, obnoxious tourists and families. He was certain there were no locals there – they all had to know better than to go to the park the week of Christmas; Lord knows, he was never going to attempt a visit to Disneyland around a holiday ever again!

Molly, her phone out and snapping pictures every other minute, adored the entire day though – the long lines and all. For that reason Justin couldn't be too annoyed; all he wanted was for his mom and sister to have a good time. As the sun set and the lights in the park started to come on, Justin found himself buying into the magic a little bit. It really was quite beautiful, the decorations; the lights draped over the castle and all the trees, like tiny glowing icicles. Yes, Justin now could see the appeal of coming to the park at the holidays.

When the fireworks started a little later, Molly was once again holding out her phone and snapping away. Justin laughed out loud when, not five minutes later she cursed angrily.

"Molly! Please," Jennifer hissed, glancing around them.

"Mom, don't worry," Justin laid his hand on her forearm.

"My memory is full!" Molly looked horrified as she held up her phone.

Justin laughed. "Well you must have taken like 300 pictures today alone," he added as Molly scowled, staring down at her phone and missing the colorful kaleidoscope exploding in the sky over the castle.

"You're missing the show," he elbowed her but she just growled something at him, her nose stuck in her phone.

"I took 556 pictures today, and 467 yesterday," she finally said, looking at Justin, her brow deeply furrowed. "See mom? This is why I needed the thirty two gigabit phone!"

Jennifer rolled her eyes and Justin smirked. Lord help them all.

Molly spent the drive back to West Hollywood trying to delete some of her photos and some of the many apps she apparently had to make room on her phone for more pictures.

"I should have brought my computer," she mumbled over and over and Justin had to bite his lip to keep from laughing.

Christmas Eve Aaron was able to spend a bit of time with them in the morning, and they went out to breakfast then walked a bit around the neighborhood. But before long they had to head back as Aaron had to head over to the Hollywood Bowl to prep for the concert that night. As he was leaving the house he pulled Justin to him and kissed him hard, "I love you."

Justin grinned.

"I love you," he replied and in that moment he knew his choice, his decision back in Pittsburgh at Thanksgiving, had been the right one. He belonged with Aaron. He felt safe and happy with Aaron. He knew where he stood and how much he was loved with Aaron.

The few days leading up to his mother and sister's arrival had been much the same as the days long before Brian had reappeared in Justin's life. He and Aaron were clicking and things had been so right between them. It was as if those awful weeks of angst and emotional turmoil and fighting had never occurred and Justin was once again amazed at the kind of man Aaron was proving to be. Forgiving, and understanding, and he knew he was a fool to have even considered, however briefly, going back to Brian.

So a few minutes later, as Aaron left for work and Jennifer and Molly retreated to the guest room to get showered and dressed for their day, Justin pulled out his cell and without thinking dialed Brian's number. The phone rang, and rang, and when the voicemail picked up Justin sighed softly and disconnected the call. What he wanted to say to Brian couldn't be done over voicemail – Justin was at least going to be man enough to face the unpleasantness of what he wanted to say to Brian, even if Brian had never extended that courtesy to him.

Molly wanted to go Christmas shopping before the concert that night, so Justin took them to The Grove, driving them back home later via a winding detour through Beverly Hills; Molly once again hanging out the car window, phone in hand as she took picture after picture of the mansions and palm trees and people.

The Christmas Spectacular concert was that evening, and Justin and his mother and sister had seats in the Garden section – and Justin held Aaron's steady gaze throughout the entire 90-minute show. The philharmonic played many great Christmas classics, and many contemporary songs, ending with a giant chorus joining them onstage for a beautiful and haunting rendition of Ave Maria. Justin wasn't religious, but the performance of that song that night almost made him declare his born-again status. He was just slightly disappointed that he couldn't take Aaron home and fuck his brains out right after – because with his mom and sister there Justin refused to mess around even a little bit. Not even a blow-job or a hand-job.

The foursome stayed up until after two in the morning, playing various games and having a wonderful time. As Justin drifted off to sleep later, he thought he heard the sound of boxes moving and wrapping shifting and he smiled into his pillow, pulling Aaron's arms tighter to his chest; his mother likely out there playing Santa and for Justin, the entire world was right and perfect and he couldn't have been happier or more content.

The happiness and contentment lasted another six days before all hell broke loose.

Jennifer and Molly departed Los Angeles, a bit tanner and certainly much happier, on December 28th. Justin and Aaron resumed their regular schedules, going to work (though Aaron was simply going to clean out his locker and get his sheet music for the upcoming season at the Philharmonic – they had three weeks off before the start of the new season, and daily practices)

Then came New Year's Eve. Justin left work early and picked up a huge assortment of sushi from their favorite restaurant, than he stopped by the store for some sparkling white grape juice and box of bakery fresh macaroons – they were Aaron's favorite.

As he was driving home, the evening's food and drink safely stowed in his trunk, Justin's phone rang. Flipping it open without glancing at the caller id he was pleasantly surprised to hear Daphne's laugh ring in his ear.

"Happy New Year!" she yelled with a giggle.

"A little early," Justin remarked back with a laugh of his own.

"Well I'm going out tonight, so I won't be around to call you when the clock strikes midnight here in good old Albuquerque," she said, "only one more week here!"

"Congrats," Justin smiled, pulling up to his place and parking.

"So you have a date tonight?" Justin asked as he climbed out of the car and retrieved his bags from the trunk.

"No, sadly," Daphne sighed, "Just going out with a bunch of nurses. They know how to party down here! I only wish I'd made friends with them all sooner."

Justin laughed as he cradled the phone against his shoulder and hefted the bags of food and drink, along with his portfolio case containing his current projects, in his hands and started for the front door.

"What are you doing? You're panting like a dog in heat," Daphne giggled and Justin wondered if she'd already started indulging in some libations.

"I just got home with dinner," Justin panted, the bags pinching his fingers and the walk up to his front door seeming endlessly long.

"Staying in, then?" she asked and Justin hummed his affirmation.

"Boring," she snickered.

"Fuck off," Justin laughed, having reached the front door and dropping his bags he fumbled for his house key and jammed it in the lock, twisting the knob and kicking the door open as he grasped the bags in his swollen and sore hands.

"No surprise calls or visits from Brian then?" Daphne asked.

"No," Justin said, kicking the door shut behind him. "Besides, even if Brian did show up again, I'd never go meet him. I learned my lesson at Thanksgiving."

"Yeah, yeah," Daphne responded.

Justin shuffled through the living room and into the kitchen, dropping the bags onto the floor and heaving a sigh of relief.

"Well Daph, have a fabulous time tonight," he crooned at her, "but be safe," he added in a more serious tone.

"I will. Promise. You and Aaron have fun, too," she said back and then she was gone.

Justin smiled, closing his phone and setting it on the countertop before he started digging into the various bags, putting the sushi and sparkling white grape juice into the fridge, and setting the macaroons on the counter by his phone.

"What did you mean by that?" Aaron's voice came out of nowhere and Justin jumped, calling out softly and spinning to see Aaron standing in the arched doorway that connected the kitchen to the hallway that led to the two bedrooms and bathroom.

"Shit, you scared me," Justin pressed his palm to his chest and took a few deep breaths.

"What did you mean?"

"What?" Justin balled up the reusable grocery bags and tossed them into the bottom of the pantry where the rest of them were in a heaping mess.

"You said, even if Brian showed up again you'd never go see him. That you learned your lesson at Thanksgiving. What did you mean by that," Aaron's voice was disturbingly calm and even and that scared Justin more than if he'd been screaming and yelling and throwing things.

Shit.

"Uh," Justin stalled, not knowing where to start and suddenly very, very scared.

Aaron's expression was like stone, unmoving and unwavering, his eyes narrowing ever so slightly as he looked at Justin with something akin to complete and utter disappointment. It was a look Justin had never seen on Aaron's face, at least not directed at him, and it seized his stomach and heart into a vice grip so tight it made him think he might throw up, or pass out, or both.

"Isn't that what I heard you say?" Aaron asked quietly; too quietly.

"Yeah," Justin felt a hot rush of blood creep up his neck to his cheeks, "it is."

"And were you ever going to tell me about this secret rendezvous?" Aaron crossed his arms and furrowed his brow – Justin could see the shock of the news wearing off and the anger settling in. This could prove to be one hell of an argument…

"I….," Justin sighed, "no. I wasn't."

Aaron nodded, an angry smile spreading across his face.

"He tells the truth, at last," he threaded his fingers behind his head and stared at Justin; angry, and hurt, and shocked. Justin could see it all.

"I'm sorry," Justin whispered and Aaron laughed.

"Sorry? What do you have to be sorry for? You just saw him is all, right? It's not like you didn't tell me you met up with him because something happened, right?"

Justin saw what Aaron thought he knew, he saw what Aaron thought had happened; real, true infidelity.

"Oh no. No. No, no, no, Aaron…," Justin shook his head and moved towards Aaron, stopping when the other man held up his hands to him, as if warding him off.

"Nothing happened," Justin said even as the image of the kiss, the feel of Brian's lips on his, ghosted cross his memory.

"Nothing," Aaron nodded, grinning a bit madly, "is that why you look guilty as hell right now?"

Justin sighed. This was all fucked up and wrong and fuck, fuck, fuck!

"He kissed me and God help me, I kissed him back. But that was all, I swear," Justin said softly, watching as Aaron's face crumpled and he turned and punched the wall.

"Jesus! Stop!" Justin moved forward but when Aaron turned and pushed him away, Justin stumbled and fell onto his ass on the hard kitchen floor, shocked and unaware of the pain in his chest was from the fall, or from a breaking heart.

He didn't know what to do. He and Aaron had fought before, lots of times over the course all the years they'd been together, but it had never been anything like this. They'd never been physical with each other – not even a push or a slap.

"After everything that son of a bitch did to you, the way he made you feel, you fucking let him kiss you?"

"It was a mistake!" Justin yelled angrily.

"Oh no," Aaron laughed before his face changed again, "You don't get to be mad at me for this," he growled, his cheeks flushing.

"Aaron -," Justin crawled back to his feet.

"Just stay away from me," Aaron paced the small kitchen, and Justin couldn't stop staring at the hole in the drywall, right next to the refrigerator where the Philharmonic spring schedule was up, next to a picture of Justin and Aaron on the beach, taken just a few days earlier by Molly.

"But I chose you!" Justin yelled in frustration, fisting his hands tightly in his hair. Didn't that count for anything?

"Don't do me any favors," Aaron massaged his hand, bright red and torn skin bleeding over his knuckles.

"Just tell me why?" Aaron asked, "What did you think you could possibly gain from seeing him again? After everything you told me about him, and after what he did to you to make you a fucking mess? Was it worth it?"

Justin moved forward and reached for Aaron's hand, it was starting to swell and Justin, knowing firsthand what an injured hand could do to an artist, was desperate to make sure Aaron was okay. But Aaron just backed away.

"Your hand," Justin said and Aaron shook his head.

"Answer my questions."

Justin sighed. "I went to see Brian on Friday night. To end things, finally. I needed to find out why he did what he did all those years ago so I could put him and all that crap behind me and be with you, wholly."

"And Brian, a master at the art of manipulation, said a lot of things and made me confused, made me doubt. But when he kissed me I knew," Justin breathed deeply, "I knew I wanted to be with you."

It was mostly true. Justin did want Aaron – mentally, in his head. Aaron was the safe choice, the right choice, the choice that would make Justin happy... But fuck if his body hadn't reacted to Brian's touch. Fuck if he hadn't nearly lost his mind with the draw of Brian, the allure of him…

"Gee you really know how to make a man feel wanted."

"Will you let me get you some ice for your hand?" Justin said, unable to stand watching him gently press at the joints and hoping he hadn't injured it too seriously. He was a fucking violinist – he couldn't have an injury or he'd lose his spot in the philharmonic.

Aaron shrugged, his expression turned sullen and dark.

Justin crossed the kitchen and pulling the towel off the handle of the stove he set it on the counter before opening the freezer and grabbing two handfuls of ice from the bin beneath the ice maker. Drawing the towel closed Justin held out the bundle of ice and held Aaron's cool stare before Aaron finally took the towel and pressed it to his hand.

"You didn't break anything, did you?" Justin asked and Aaron scowled at him before curtly shaking his head no.

"I am so sorry. You have no idea how sorry," Justin said again, images of a New Year's Eve spent half naked, eating sushi, drinking sparkling white grape juice and watching bad movies now gone from his head. There would be no good times for them this night, of that Justin was certain.

Aaron sighed, long and deep before leaning against the wall.

"I know you're sorry. I do. But knowing this, knowing he was the reason you were so weird those weeks right after we got back from Boston…well, it doesn't give me much confidence that you are as much over him as you seem to think you are," Aaron said.

"I thought I had done something wrong and the whole time you were feeling…what? Guilt? Lust? You were maybe regretting just a little bit that you had to leave him behind and come back here with me?"

"No -," Justin started to offer more denials but Aaron's sad smile stopped him.

"Me thinks doth protest too much," He said, quite earnestly and Justin couldn't think of a single thing to say to that to make the situation any better.

He had spent too much time protesting his feelings and desires for Brian and maybe Aaron was finally growing wise. But the thought of losing him was terrifying to Justin, but why he wasn't sure. Yes, he loved him and didn't want to lose him but more than that Aaron had been his tether, his safe place, his refuge. If Aaron left where would that leave Justin?

"I'm going to go out for a bit," Aaron set the towel, now dripping with melted ice, on the counter and with one last look at Justin he left the kitchen.

Justin stood, frozen in place until he heard the front door open, then close.

"Fuck," he murmured his eyes stinging with tears and his heart aching – though he was at a loss to describe what emotions were eliciting either reaction; was it regret for his actions? Or regret Aaron found out? Or now that it was known did he regret not staying with Brian?

He had no clue.

Daphne wasn't answering though they'd just spoken not even thirty minutes earlier. Justin figured she was already out with her coworkers and trying to have a good time. He tried Lindsay next, but when she didn't answer he was immensely relieved because he wasn't sure she was entirely objective and he would feel like a fool confessing to her his problems.

Justin paced the entirety of his place, phone in hand, for a good hour before deciding to call his mother. It was a three-hour time difference, and he was pretty sure she was probably headed to some swanky party downtown, but maybe she would still be home and maybe she could offer some of her sage advice? Justin needed someone, anyone to talk to.

"Justin, honey, I'm headed out the door, can we talk tomorrow?" Jennifer said after she'd answered the phone.

"I'm sorry. I'm just…," Justin sighed, "He hurt his hand and I don't know what to do."

"Who hurt…what? Justin is everything okay?"

"Aaron and I had a fight, a bad one," Justin closed his eyes and sighed, "he punched the wall and hurt his hand."

"Oh my God. Honey, are you okay?" his mother's distracted tone replaced by one that was very obviously worried.

"This is all Brian's fault!" Justin exploded, feeling anger, and loss, and an extreme sense of guilt, but it was all jumbled up and he couldn't figure out which emotion went to which person and which situation. Was he angry at Brian and guilty for lying to Aaron? Was he angry at himself and feeling the loss of Brian? Was he angry at Aaron for calling him out on his lies and guilty because he wanted Brian still? It was all true, to a degree, and Justin just wanted clarity.

"Tell me what to do, mom," he moaned and through the phone he heard his mother sigh.

"I can't tell you what to do, honey. You stopped listening to me long ago, and even if I wanted to tell you what to do I never would. This is your life, you have to figure it out on your own."

She was right, and Justin knew that, but it didn't stop him from wanting her, or someone, to tell him what he should do.

"I'm sure if I called Brian he'd tell me what to do," Justin laughed bitterly.

"What does that mean? Is that why you and Aaron were arguing? Because of Brian?"

"I saw him. In Pittsburgh. Over Thanksgiving. And Aaron just found. It was pretty bad, mom."

"Justin…," she groaned and Justin could imagine her face, a mixture of disappointment and motherly scorn coloring her features.

"I know. But….fuck! He ruined everything in my life that was good before, and now he's back and ruining my relationship with Aaron too," Justin grumbled.

"Brian didn't do that, honey. You did." His mother's voice was oddly cool and Justin frowned.

"You're supposed to be on my side."

"I am on your side, but I also think you're a little blind to all the truths that have come and gone with Brian in your life."

"What does that mean? Truths? And are you defending him and what he did? You were just here, mom. You saw me and Aaron, you have to know he's the best thing in my life, and he loves me and takes care of me."

"Yes, but Jus-,"

"Fuck, he's probably thinking about leaving me! And why not after what I withheld from him. Shit. I know I'd be pissed if I found out he had met in secret, and kissed, his ex."

"You kissed Brian? Justin, what's going on with you?"

"Not that I don't deserve it for my lies," Justin continued rambling, not really hearing his mother, "but Brian…God! He's such a manipulator! Nothing that Brian has ever done for me is worth losing Aaron over. Nothing. Brian has never done a damn thing for me and I can't let him take Aaron from me now, too."

"Oh honey. I love Aaron and I know he loves you and I think he probably saved your life, but do you love him? So far all you've been saying is how much Aaron loves you. And as important as it is that you're with someone who loves you, I hope you know it's just as important that you love him back. Now I know Brian wasn't perfect, but I also know you did love him and, well, he did a hell of a lot for you that doesn't leave me with any doubts he loved you, even if he never said it."

Justin scoffed. If only she knew, he thought.

"Look, not that I want or think it'd be good for you to be with Brian again, but you seem to be forgetting some of the significant and quite amazing things he did for you, like paying for your school – which you subsequently dropped out of. And he singlehandedly took down an evil politician, with your help, of course, but he practically went bankrupt because of the whole thing and it was because of your influence, I'm certain of it. Even when he showed up at your prom after he initially said no. And he defended you to your father, and it's because of him that we have Debbie in our lives."

Justin scowled in silence. It was easier to be mad at Brian when he wasn't reminded of the things he'd done.

"And I probably shouldn't tell you this, but he was there every night while you were in the hospital, after the bashing. Every single night he was there watching over you. That's what all the night nurses would tell me. It infuriated me because I just wanted him to visit so you could focus on getting better for yourself and not for him – but I guess I was also relieved that at least he cared enough to check in, even if he never let you know."

"So just remember that, when you try and lay all the blame on him for your current problems. Because while he may not have always shown it in the way you might have wanted or expected he did care. I dare say he loved you."

Yeah, Brian loved him, he'd told him as much at Thanksgiving. But his mother didn't need to hear any of that. What Justin was wrapped up in was the revelation that Brian had visited him in the hospital. He hadn't really realized it until that moment, but that single action, the knowledge of that one thing suddenly made all the rest seem not so bad. It had bothered Justin for years that Brian had ignored him in the hospital, and now he finds out he'd been there all along? The relief of that knowledge was unexpected, and welcome.

"Now I'm late, so I'm going to go. I suggest you figure out how to make things up to your fiancé or honey, you may lose him after all. Though, if that's what you really want, I support you," Jennifer said serenely, "and I love you."

"I love you too, mom," Justin sighed, no less confused than he'd been before he'd talked to her.

Aaron didn't come home for another three hours. Justin was climbing the walls by then, ready to call the police and report him missing when he waltzed in the door, his face still set in a stony scowl.

"Not tonight," was all he said as he passed by Justin.

He slept in the guest room that night, leaving Justin alone in their bedroom.

Happy fucking New Year.

Justin was up with the sun the following day, and he sat in the kitchen nerves on edge as an entire pot of coffee coursed through his veins. He was sketching, absently, as he waited for Aaron to come out so they could try and talk again. He could only hope that he was a little less angry and more willing to listen. Though Justin did wonder if he was worth listening too. He had fucked up royally, again, and he needed forgiven.

Even still, with the hell his lies had made his life, he still had echoes of feelings and emotions of Brian coursing through him. Learning about the hospital visits had sent Justin into a tailspin of sorts, and it was all he could do to keep his focus on making things right with Aaron – because no matter what good things Brian might have done all those years ago, it didn't negate the hell he'd put Justin through later. And he had to keep reminding himself of that.

Justin heard the door to the guest room open and he promptly dropped his pencil and closed his sketch book, turning in his chair towards the hall and preparing for another heavy discussion, but willing to do what it took to make things right again.

Aaron appeared moments later, dressed in sweats and his hair wildly messy; his eyes though, they were puffy and red and it didn't look like he slept any more than Justin had.

"Hey," Justin said cautiously, Aaron shooting him a blank look before going to the coffee pot.

"I'll make more," Justin stood as Aaron pulled out the pot and poured the dregs, maybe half a cup, into a mug.

"Do what you want," Aaron sighed, passing by Justin without looking at him and sitting at the table.

Justin busied himself with making more coffee, glad in a way for something to do. He occasionally would glance at Aaron, but the other man was staring out the window, turned away from Justin and ignoring him.

It seemed forever before the coffee was ready, and when it was finally, Justin carried the pot over to the table and filled Aaron's mug, then his own, though he really didn't need any more caffeine.

"Thanks," Aaron murmured and Justin breathed a little easier.

Maybe things would be okay?

"Can we talk now?" Justin asked, setting the coffee pot on top of his sketch pad and sitting down.

Aaron shrugged and looked at Justin with such profound sadness in his expression that Justin thought he might break apart at the slightest little touch.

"Talk," he said finally.

"I'm sorry," Justin emphatically stated, "I'm so sorry. I should have told you I saw Brian after Thanksgiving, and I should have told you that he kissed me. But I was scared. And I know that's not an excuse but I didn't want to hurt you and I didn't think it would ever matter. I don't plan to see him again, and -,"

"Stop," Aaron sighed, cutting Justin off, "I know. And I get it. I really do. And I'm not mad because you saw him, or even because he kissed you. I'm angry because you didn't tell me. And because it's obvious you're still struggling with feelings for him. Which I don't get, but whatever, that's your stuff to work through. I just want to help. But when you don't talk to me I can 't help and then we end up here."

Justin stared at Aaron with a slightly slack jaw; was it really that easy? Could Aaron really be that forgiving? Justin, with only Brian and Ethan as his past experience to judge relationships against, couldn't believe it. It seemed too easy but then again, Aaron was unlike anyone else Justin knew – which was one of the reasons he loved him.

"Aaron-,"

"No. Stop. Just…just give me time Justin," Aaron stood and with his coffee mug in hand, slowly retreated back to the guest room.

"Okay," Justin whispered to the empty room before placing the coffee pot back into its slot and dumping the contents of his mug down the sink.

When Aaron didn't reemerge from the guest room after an hour, Justin took his wallet and keys and took a walk, detouring to the local market for some groceries, and while he spent some time staring at the cooler of beer and wine.

He may have had to debate with himself, and remind himself how the alcohol had never worked at making things better before, but he ultimately decided not to attempt that method of pain management again. What he did do, on the walk back home, was call Brian once more – more determined than ever to end things, finally. But once again Brian didn't answer and once again, Justin hung up without leaving a message.

Later that night, after Aaron and Justin silently and awkwardly ate the sushi that had been intended for New Year's Eve, Justin cleaned up the kitchen and upon picking up his sketchbook, he flipped to the page he'd been doodling that morning.

There, staring up at him from the page, was Brian.

With a heavy sigh, Justin ripped the page from the book and tore it into shreds.

He was sick and tired of Brian haunting him, and he was determined that in 2013, he'd finally put Brian and all that shit behind him for good.

As January progressed things between Aaron and Justin slowly improved. It was strained, and it was hard, but slowly Aaron thawed and began to talk to Justin again. Then, the last week of the month Aaron returned to their bed, and they had what Justin would say was the best make-up sex he'd ever had in his life. After that, though there were brief moments when Justin would catch Aaron looking at him strangely, things were pretty much as they'd been before. And Justin felt safe again; secure.

As February started and the California Supreme Court deliberated on the constitutionality of Proposition 8, Justin and Aaron solidified their relationship further by staying glued to the news coverage. They'd spend their evenings watching the various 24-hour news outlets, hoping for some new tidbit that would indicate which way the court might be leaning.

Finally the court came to a decision, and the day they overturned Prop 8, Aaron and Justin went out to dinner and celebrated. They both knew it was just one small step, but it was a successful small step. Later, when Aaron brought up the idea of maybe tentatively setting a date for a wedding ceremony, Justin knew things between them were getting better again.

The California Supreme Court ruling was headed for appeals, and that was expected, but it didn't stop people from calling Justin over the course of the following days, and when Jennifer called again Justin was relieved to be able to tell her that things were getting better between he and Aaron. She'd given him space since his call on New Year's Day, and though he'd kept her updated via text that at least they hadn't broken up, being able to tell her things were back to normal and they were talking about setting a date felt really, really good.

Then, his mother brought up Brian again, and Justin faltered. He'd managed, successfully, to avoid almost all thoughts of Brian for most of the month, and he was angry and annoyed that his mother brought him up, again.

"So Debbie told me Brian has been asking after you," Jennifer said.

"Mother," Justin said through gritted teeth. "I don't want to rehash this. If Brian has unresolved issues that's his problem. I'm moving on."

"Are you," she said.

"I'm just passing the information along," she added. "He's been talking to Lindsay quite a bit, and she told Deb. And Deb thought you might like to know. For whatever reason."

"Fine. Thank you for passing on the message, not stop talking about me and Brian with them, please!"

The very next day at work, Justin was called into Ross's office and presented with a new job. It would seem their small little studio had been contracted to do a few television spots for an art supply company, specifically, a brand of markers. The client had requested Justin specifically, and when he learned the ad agency hiring out the work was Kinnetik, he knew exactly what Brian was trying to do; and while he was thankful for the work and excited to be drawing more than concept art that may or may not ever be used, he wasn't about to let Brian off the hook simply because he was doing "nice things" for him.

So that evening, on his way home from work he dialed Brian's phone again, but when Brian actually answered Justin panicked and hung up. He apparently wasn't as ready as he thought he might be to tell him to fuck off and to let him go.

And even though he and Aaron had just made it through a rough patch to do with Brian, and lies, Justin didn't tell Aaron the real reason behind the new job assignment. He knew it was wrong, but he also knew it wasn't worth the ensuing argument. And Justin really wanted to do the work – it's wasn't like he'd ever have to see Brian, so what harm was in it?

Justin worked on the television commercials through the month, and in early March he got word back that the clients loved what he'd done, and the ads were scheduled to start airing later in the month. Aaron took Justin out to celebrate, and they spent a long, exhausting night in bed together.

Justin worked on finishing the ads for the rest of the month, really excited to see his work on television, and excited to think that maybe this would be the first step in getting him out of the movie business, or at least out of the "concept art" movie business. He had always liked his job, and had felt mostly fulfilled by his work, but he was rarely hired by film productions to work on the real art direction and so many times his concepts ended up skewed and unrecognizable, altered by other artists and usually in ways that Justin hated. It was hard, doing all that work for so little reward later on.

Maybe these ads would give him a leg up in getting into animation, something he'd been interested in since long before he'd ever met Brian Kinney.

The date for the "premier" of the first ad on television was actually Justin's birthday; and the company had bought ad time during daytime television as well as a few primetime spots. But the ones that would air during the day would be the first and as such, Justin had to be at work for them. His entire office was thrilled, and they planned a little party to celebrate the achievement. Justin was grateful even though he had wanted to take his birthday off – one only turns 30 once after all – but he couldn't, so he and Aaron planned a night out at the Griffith Observatory, in lieu of taking a drive up the coast like Aaron had wanted to do. Instead, they shuttled that plan for a weekend later in the month.

It was just after the ad had aired, after the champagne (and sparkling cider for him) had been poured that three delivery men walked in with giant arrangements of roses; one red, one white, and one a mix of pink and a soft but rich lavender color. They were gorgeous, and when the delivery man in the lead position announced they were for Justin, his first thought was that Aaron had outdone himself again.

But a few minutes later, the vases and arrangements taking up the entirety of the surface of Justin's workspace, when he opened the card his heart jumped into his throat. These were not from Aaron. These flowers were from Brian.

Happy 30th Birthday, Sunshine.
Your talent truly knows no bounds and I foresee great and wonderful things for you.
I am happy to say I have known you at all, and grateful to have been a part of your life for even a moment. I shall endeavor to always see that you achieve your dreams, and I think your work on this ad is only the first step for you finally achieving that dream you spoke of the night Gus was born. You are a true artist and dreamer and I want nothing but happiness and success for you, regardless of where it comes from and who gives it to you. So seek out your happiness, and live out your dreams. Thank you for letting me be just a small part of your life, because no matter what has happened in our past, your presence in my life has made me a better man; a better father; a better friend. It may have taken me a long time to realize it, but I owe everything I am and everything I have to you.
Love, Brian

It was unexpected, to say the least.

It took him three days to bring the arrangements home, one at a time, and though Aaron was less than thrilled that Brian had sent such extravagant flowers to Justin, he allowed them to stay in the house. Justin was surprised – and even more so when Aaron accepted when Justin told him they were simply a friendly birthday gift.

Aaron had argued they may have been a gift, but the gift meant much more than friendship. Still – he didn't press the issue when Justin repeated it didn't mean anything, and the flowers stayed, brightening up the living room and filling their home with sweet, perfumed scent that, no matter how much Justin fought it, only drummed up images of Brian.

Justin was sure Brian was trying to goad him into calling. Why else send such an over-the-top gift? He had to have realized by now that the same phone number kept calling, and maybe he had put it together that Justin was still struggling with his feelings, regardless of what he'd said to Brian in Pittsburgh. Yes, it was certainly a fact Brian had come to that conclusion, what with what his mother had told him about Brian asking after him…

But what should he do?

It was three days later, and Justin was literally moments from picking up the phone to call Brian and put an end to any of his romantic notions, when things took another turn for the worse.

Aaron came home from work, more irritable than usual. Justin had been sitting in the living room, the local news on the television while he sketched. He wasn't really watching, but the sound was soothing in an odd way.

Aaron came in, tossed the mail on the coffee table next to where Justin's bare feet were crossed on top of it, and promptly grabbed two of the three vases of roses and without a word dumped them into the garbage, stamping them down with his feet and crushing the delicate flowers.

"Hey!" Justin quickly set his sketch pad on the table and jumped to his feet, grabbing the third vase, the red roses, and pulling it out of Aaron's grasp just as he came back into the room.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Justin asked, hugging the flowers to his abdomen and feeling the soft tickle of the petals against his chin as he spoke.

"I can't stand looking at these anymore," Aaron answered, crossing his arms. "I can't pretend it's okay anymore. It's wrong for a man to send another man flowers like this; especially when they're no longer involved."

"But you said it was fine. More than once," Justin replied, and Aaron shrugged.

"I lied."

"Why?"

"Why not? I was trying to make you happy, but damnit Justin, I can't have flowers from him greeting me each day when I come home. I just can't," Aaron shrugged.

"I'll take them back to work then," Justin countered, not liking this new habit they seemed to have of lying to one another. Justin was already keeping secret the truth behind the animation job, and now Aaron was admitting to lying about being accepting of the flowers.

"Yeah," Aaron shook his head with a sigh, "sure. Whatever."

He moved through the living room then, keys in hand.

"Where are you going?" Justin called after him.

"I just need to take a walk. I'll be back in an hour or so," he said before disappearing out the door.

Justin set the flowers on the kitchen table, grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge on his way back to the living room. He was so tired of the fighting, but he had no clue how to make things right again. It seemed as if no matter what decision Justin made, it was the wrong one.

With a sigh, Justin thumbed through the mail and pulled out two envelopes addressed to him; one from his aunt in Maine, and the other from Lindsay. Tossing aside the one from his aunt, Justin tore open the one from Lindsay and grinned widely at the cartoon images that wished him a happy birthday.

It was a belated birthday card, and while Justin could have cared less that it was late Lindsay still spent the first few sentences of her note apologizing for that fact. She then told him how Gus was doing, that he was now as tall as her and trying out all the different sports the school he went to offered. Justin had to grin as he imagined Brian's chagrin that his kid might be a jock. As he read on though, his smile slipped from his face and he felt his chest tighten quite unpleasantly.

Forty-five minutes later, when Aaron came back through the door, Justin stood from the sofa where he'd been stewing and waving the card in anger, Justin did something he'd never done before, and he hit Aaron square in the chin.

"What the fuck was that for?" Aaron cried, clutching his jaw while Justin shook out his stinging hand. He'd only ever punched one other person before, and that was when he and Brian had playfully (sort of playfully) fought during Justin's days with the Pink Posse.

"How did you do it? Or better yet, why?" Justin yelled, still clutching Lindsay's card and waving it in Aaron's face.

"Do what?" Aaron yelled back while he opened and closed his jaw, his eyes wide with shock.

"How did you manage to prevent me from knowing Lindsay was here? In Los Angeles; with Gus," Justin said, no longer yelling but feeling his rage start to burn and boil once again.

Aaron paused and as his expression transitioned from shock, to guilt, to anger, Justin felt some of his own anger melt away. He felt some of his rage dissolve as he realized he really didn't know Aaron at all. Because the Aaron he knew would never do something like this.

"I don't know what you mean," he said, and though Justin could hear the guilt in his voice he was still trying to deny any wrong-doing.

Justin laughed and shook his head, opening the card and reading the words Lindsay had written, "I'm sorry we missed you when we were in Los Angeles in January. I'm sure you were probably really busy since you didn't call and could only send me a text with your regrets. I can't help but say it would have been so good to see you, and to get a tour of LA from a knowledgeable source. And I really wanted you to see Gus. He's so different from the little boy you last saw. He enjoyed being in LA, since he was too young to remember the last time. Well, maybe next time I'm in town you'll be around, and I'll be sure to give you more notice next time."

"So I ask you again," Justin closed the card and stared at Aaron, feeling no love for him at the moment, "why would you do this?"

Aaron stared at Justin, and there was no love in his expression either. Justin was heartbroken to think how far they'd fallen, and he sincerely wondered if there was any hope left for them.

"I guess you know how it feels now," he said, shoving past Justin to enter the kitchen. He pulled a bag of frozen vegetables from the freezer and pressed it to his chin.

"What? Are you seriously telling me this is revenge? And in what world is this even remotely the same? Keeping me from seeing an old friend and mentor is not the same as not telling you I saw Brian for one night in a city I don't live in and probably will never go back to! And this has nothing to do with Brian! Fuck!"

"It has everything to do with Brian!" Aaron yelled.

"She's his friend, she has his son," Aaron added, "this is all about Brian. It will always be about him."

"She may be his friend, and the mother of his son, but she's also my friend, and I would have wanted to see her. To see Gus!"

"I didn't want to see you spiral back down to that place where I found you," Aaron added, a little sullenly.

"That's really great," Justin rolls his eyes, "I'm glad to hear you think so highly of me!"

"I was protecting you from him!"Aaron growled.

"How many times do I have to say it, this has nothing to do with him! This is Lindsay, not Brian. You don't get to decide if I see her or not!" Justin yelled back, anger and rage boiling inside once again.

"You don't control me, and if you think you do well then we have much bigger problems," Justin panted, his face hot and his hands balled in fists hanging at his side.

Justin had never known Aaron to be like this and he wondered if he should be worried; was this a sign of things to come?

"Babe, will you calm down?" Aaron suddenly looked a little scared and Justin felt vindication in his feelings.

"I'll say it again so you're sure to hear me, you don't get to decide who my friends are, or whether I see them or not. Hell, you don't get to decide if I see Brian again for that matter," Justin repeated, "and if you can't trust me than I don't know what the hell we're even doing anymore."

"I do trust you," Aaron said, his face still betraying fear, "I don't trust him. I guess I transferred that distrust to Lindsay. I'm sorry. I am."

"Lindsay and Gus are very important to me. Very important. Hell, I haven't even seen that kid since he was four years old and I would have loved to have seen him. Jesus, Aaron! I'm so fucking pissed right now!"

"I'm sorry -," Aaron repeated.

"Yeah, you said that already," Justin spat at him turning to leave.

"Where are you going?" Aaron sounded worried and Justin felt bolstered by that fear.

"Well now it's my turn to go for a walk," Justin smiled with sarcastic sweetness, "is that okay with you?"

Without waiting for an answer Justin left, slamming the front door behind him.

Everything was fucked. Everything! And Justin was really scared that things would never be okay again, and he couldn't help but blame Brian. After all, it had all started that night in Boston…but was that really fair? Justin had been holding on so tightly to the lingering feelings he had for Brian. He had let him kiss him in Pittsburgh, and he had kissed him back. So how could it all be Brian's fault? No…it was Justin's fault. He'd been the one to lie, and give Aaron reason to doubt him, and now Aaron was acting out of character while Justin was lying even still – withholding the truth behind the animation work, and the truth behind the flowers.

What he couldn't understand was why? Why was he repeating these behaviors, and why was he tempting fate and his happiness with Aaron?

But the bigger question that began to plague Justin that night was if he really wanted to be with Aaron at all. And, more importantly, did he really want to marry him…

Brian's behavior since Thanksgiving had been nothing but gracious and giving, if not a bit presumptuous, but the side of Aaron Justin had been faced with was only making him uglier and less desirable with each passing moment and hell if Justin had any clue what to do next.