It was a soft knock on the door, the person doing the knocking knew she didn't want to be disturbed. And yet, the knocking became a little louder.
Haggard, and annoyed she opened the door.
"I said I wasn't going I don't know why you think you can convince me otherwise"
Opening the door all the way she realized it wasn't who she expected to be behind it.
"Maybe Xander and Willow can't, but I thought you might let me try otherwise" came the reply
"What are you doing up here Giles?" Buffy asked, letting him in the tidy room anyways.
"Xander said you didn't want to attend the services, he thought I would be the right person to help convince you that you should" He answered calmly as he followed her into the small living room.
Buffy looked momentarily defeated, she knew somewhere deep down he was probably right, but she didn't think she could handle the services. And if she had to be honest with herself she wasn't going to let him know he was right, not that easily, not after the past couple of years.
Knowing where it would hurt the most, and wanting someone else to feel her pain (and her guilt)
"Sorry Giles, I'm not exactly sure you're the right person to convince me to do anything anymore."
"Was I ever?" He asked not unkindly.
"You know that's not fair, your opinion used to matter" she answered.
He wouldn't say it out loud, but her confirmation that it didn't anymore hurt him in ways he couldn't begin to describe. Maybe he couldn't beat her in a physical flight, but he could duel back with words.
"Really?" He could feel his frustration starting to build.
"At which point in our long history was that? When you hid Angel from me? When you would rather take comfort in Riley and the Initiative?" His frustration was starting to turn to anger, and he knew he couldn't hold it in much longer
"or when you decided not to tell me Spike tried to rape you on the bathroom floor?"
The words hung in the air like a gunshot.
Ouch, when did Giles find out about that dark detail from her past. Xander must have told him she thought, of course Xander told him. One more jab at Spike, one more jab at her lack of decision making.
She was shocked, she was angry, she was hurt.
"That, that was a mistake, on both his part and mine, I can't change what happened, but I know that in end Spike came through for us and I was able to forgive him, why can't you?" She asked quietly
"It's not my nature to forgive those who hurt the people I love" Which, to him, explained his current and growing sense of self loathing.
"But hurting the people you love is okay in your book?" She asked a little bit more sad than before
She wasn't wrong, he had just admitted that to himself, but he wasn't going to let her off that easily either. "You know that's not true" he said
"Do I? Why'd you really come up here Giles?" she asked
"It certainly, wasn't to fight" he answered, but he knew it was going to end that way.
"You need to attend the services Buffy, you're the general, we lost a soldier out there, a slayer, another young girl, you need to be there to show your support, and lend your strength to help the survivors mourn" Giles told her
"I can't! Giles, I just can't. I can't go in there and face the other girls, I can't face Emma's parents, what am I supposed to say? 'I know you put your daughter in my care, but whoops, she's dead' something tells me that would go over big."
At this point she looked away, she was starting to feel her emotions over take her again. He sighed, he knew she didn't realize he understood, whether it was because she was lost in her own guilt or to busy feeling sorry for herself that she didn't take into consideration anyone else, he didn't know.
He assumed it was the latter.
"By not going down there you're not giving Emma the respect she deserves, I think you're hiding, and that is the huge slap in the face to the survivors"
A slap in the face? A slap in the face, she thought. What the hell did he know, he wasn't even there, he wasn't on the field when those girls were attacked, and Emma died, he was too busy trying to run things elsewhere that he had lost site of actually being in the field. How dare he tell her what is a slap in the face and what she needs to do. Her anger growing, she decided to tell him.
"You're not here! You didn't even know her. You have no idea what it's like!" She suddenly shouted, her very fragile hold on her resolve breaking.
"I got her killed. Me. It's my fault and now all I want do is crumble up in a ball and cry, but I can't I have to because everyone tell me I have to be the strong one remember? You haven't set foot on this base in months, you haven't been in the field in I don't even know how long, so don't you dare walk on to my base, with my girls and tell me what I have to do and how I'm supposed to act because you have NO IDEA!"
He had no idea? If only. His disappointment in her actions turned into full rage.
"WELL THEN ENLIGHTEN ME!" he yelled.
"Please Buffy enlighten me..." He sneered. He knew he could only hope to strike a cord.
"...since I obviously have no idea, tell me what it's like to lose your slayer, to lay awake at night and think if you had just been a little more clever, had prepared her a little bit more than maybe you wouldn't have to mourn for her, you wouldn't have to stare into the faces of her family and friends and wonder if they blame you as much as you blame yourself for her death! Please tell me what it's like, because I haven't the foggiest idea!"
His heart racing, his breath coming in ragged in breaths, he stared at her for only a moment longer, hoping maybe she'd say something. When she didn't he turned towards the door.
Buffy stood there with her mouth open for a full 5 seconds before her shock wore off. Anger was quickly forgotten.
"I, um, oh, Giles, wait!"
He stopped at the door, still breathing hard, but no longer yelling, even but deadly he answered "I'm going to be downstairs, if you have a shard of decency you'll be down there too."
With that he left the room.
Buffy sighed and proceeded to get ready as well.
45 minutes later
The service hadn't started yet, a large part of her had hoped it had so she could slip in unnoticed. She stepped through the doors of the auditorium and looked around for Willow, and Xander. They, as expected, we're in the second row behind the girl's grieving family. They had saved a place for her.
As she made her way down the aisle, she could feel the stares, hear the whispers, it took everything she had left not to bolt from the room and not look back. After what seemed like hours she made it to the second row, slid in silently next between Xander and Willow.
"I'm glad you came Buff" Xander said
"Yeah, um I have to pay my respects and all that" she commented quietly
She tried to catch Giles eye, but he wouldn't make eye contact. 'You really blew it this time Summers' she thought sadly, she made a mental note to try and talk to Giles later.
The service started.
It went the way these things often do, a prayer, the eulogies, given by other junior slayers who knew Emma best and then Giles, being the patriarch, the head of it all took his turn at the podium.
"We are never quite prepared for these things" he began.
"We can try and fool ourselves into thinking that they we are, we can try and fool ourselves into thinking that for some reason it won't happen to these slayers, our slayers, but the fact of the matter is, it's the business we are in. It's the very thing we are not taught to prepare for, and it's the one thing we all wish there was a page in the handbook for. It's no one's fault, and that is perhaps the hardest part to accept. I am told Emma, was a promising slayer, poised to join the ranks at the top, but unfortunately fate had other plans in mind. We are now left to carry on, to be the strength for each other, the strength in the fight, while she may not be with us in body, I know Emma, is with us in spirit and she will help us carry on. We have to remember her as we continue…"
The rest of Giles speech was a blur to Buffy, she sat in her chair frozen. How could she have been so stupid? How could she not have seen why he was the one Willow and Xander sent to retrieve her? For the first time in a long while Buffy understood where Giles was coming from.
Giles speech ended and the services came to a close. Buffy, with Xander and Willow by her side made the rounds of the grieving family, the other slayers. She did with as much courage as she could muster, trying hard to look the girl's family in the eyes, when she managed to steal a glance she was shocked at what she didn't see. She didn't see the blame she had expected, or the blame she saw when she looked in the mirror, she saw sadness, and something she wasn't prepared for, understanding. Still she knew when she looked at herself that night she'd still see the blame and guilt that would now forever haunt her eyes.
She glanced around trying to find Giles, she saw him on the edge of the small gathering, talking to the Chaplin. The Chaplin she was originally convinced they didn't need to add to their ever growing staff. She had been wrong. She wanted more than anything to speak to Giles, to catch his eye, but he was dutifully ignoring her. She became lost in thought once more and didn't realize that Willow had come up beside her.
"What are you thinking about Buffy?" The redhead asked her friend. Willow was the one who sent Giles to Buffy's room that morning, she knew that even if Buffy didn't see it Giles understood exactly what she was feeling at the moment. Willow knew it wasn't that Buffy was selfish, but she also knew that Buffy had never taken the time to think about what her own death had done to Giles. Sure, Buffy had come back, because of Willow, and maybe that made the whole situation different, but Giles never expected to have bury Buffy, he expected even less he'd have to welcome her back.
"I blew it this time Will" Buffy responded.
"I think you'd be surprised Buff, sometimes the saddest of events bring people together" Willow could only hope that this event would put her dear friends back on the same page.
"I hope so"
At this point Giles shook hands with the Chaplin and left the crowd of people. Buffy hoped she knew where he was headed, waited a beat and decided to follow. She said her final good byes and made her way to the courtyard of the estate.
She was right. When she came through the Archway to the giant courtyard, she was relieved to know that she still got some things right.
Giles was sitting on the steps to left of the archway she was standing in. Smoking.
'That's new' she thought. Or maybe it wasn't, she hadn't been paying attention the last few months. The last couple of years really.
"You know that will kill you" She stated. Not the most memorable of openings, but it would have to do.
"Yes, well a man in my line of work doesn't expect to live long enough to see that be an issue" He countered.
"Isn't that supposed to be my line?" She asked quietly, she knew this probably the wrong time for that statement.
"I don't pretend to know anything about what your line is supposed to be Buffy" he commented.
"Well then let me try?" She asked.
He nodded but said nothing.
"I'm sorry?" It came out as a question.
He said nothing, so she continued.
"You get it don't you? You get it more than most people, and you weren't talking about just Emma, during the services were you?" She asked.
He wished he wasn't so surprised that she had gotten it. He still had nothing to say to her, but Buffy could tell she had his attention.
"You were talking about… me, weren't you?" She finally choked out.
"How nice of you to notice" he retorted.
So much for this bringing them together.
"Well it's hard to notice when you've been gone for a year, for years actually" She shot back. Jesus, why couldn't Giles at least give her credit for trying, though if she was being honest with herself, she'd probably maxed out her credit with Giles.
Buffy lost a little of her edge, but continued, because this conversation (and maybe many others) needed to be had.
"I'm sorry" she said again, the more she stood there, the more sorry she was.
"I didn't mean to imply, I didn't... I guess I never gave it much thought. I was dead , I wasn't supposed to give it much thought."
He swallowed and put out his cigarette. Not sure what to say next, before he could start she continued. He should have known she wasn't done talking.
"And I'm glad you came up to get me, you're right I was hiding, but now that I realize that you really DO get it, I mean can't you cut me some slack, I was hiding in my bedroom, I didn't leave the country" She mentally smacked herself, this was going so well before that comment.
"Yes, I'm a coward. Can't forget that. Of course I waited until after I buried you, and made sure everyone who survived was fine, I didn't spend 4 days avoiding everyone." She hits, he hits back
But, she is all slayer and she's not one to go down without a fight.
"No, but if Emma was to oh say magically come back, I wouldn't hop the next flight back to the motherland, so I guess I'm still one up on you." Yup, she'd have to thank Willow for telling her these things bring people together, and then let her know that she was wrong.
"Do you honestly still hate me for leaving you? When since we're being honest here, the fact of the matter is you left me first." He said in the quiet tone that made her wish he was yelling at her instead.
She stopped. She hadn't given it much thought over the last few years, Giles not being there with her everyday had just become something she was used too. But did was she still mad at him for leaving?
"Yeah well I came back... and maybe that's the problem. Giles, I never hated you, and I'm no longer mad at you for leaving." She realized it was true, she wasn't mad at him for leaving, but that didn't mean she wasn't mad.
"I'm mad that you came back." They might have more in common than she originally thought.
He looked up sharply, and took a hard intake of breath. What in the world was her problem now?
"What? You're mad I came back? Buffy what the hell does that even mean?" He was too confused to be angry.
"On some rational level I get it, you left so I could stand on my own two feet, and it was hard, and I wasn't always good at it, but eventually I came around. I did it, I got my life in order, and it wasn't always pretty but I was making it work...And then you came back, and I didn't even realize it, but I had hoped you'd be proud. For the first time in my life I did what you asked. But you came back, barely acknowledged what I had accomplished and then spent weeks questioning my judgment, commenting on my decisions and generally making me feel like everything I was doing was wrong. You told me to stand on my own, you told me I had to learn to follow my judgement and I did, and you threw all back in my face. I'm not saying I made all the right decisions, lord knows the last few months in Sunnydale were a mess, but I made the decisions on my own."
He felt himself flush. She was right, that's exactly what happened, she did exactly what he asked her to do, and he questioned her judgement, and even if he thought her last big idea had been "bloody brilliant" he hadn't stood behind with her for most of those last few months. Wiping his hand over his face, he sighed.
"You're right, and I'm sure it didn't help I dumped a bunch of slayers in your lap either." He conceded
"Yeah, it really didn't...I don't even..." she wasn't sure what to say next
"Ya know, I had never given what you were going through much thought, I was always to focused on me and me being the slayer to realize exactly how hard your role in all of this was... no offense Giles, but your side of the fence sucks. But I mean listen to me I don't have to tell you that, I think I just needed you to accept that I didn't know how to handle things on your side of the fence, any more than you could handle being on mine"
He chuckled at that.
"No, I don't think I'm cut out for being a vampire slayer either. But yes, being a watcher does sometimes, it really does, but it has had it's perks. Even when we've had our differences, I couldn't imagine watching anyone but you. I'm sorry I haven't been around much the last few years."
"Thank you, but honestly I finally really get it, and while I don't necessarily agree, I get it."
The next part was mumbled but she knew he heard her. "and...I'm sorry I left you too."
He reached over to hug her, probably the most contact they've had in years. It was like mending a broken fence, he felt whole again. He got what he wanted, he got her to realize that her death nearly destroyed him. Still, he didn't feel satisfied, he always wanted her to understand, but he didn't want her to have to learn the lesson the same way he did.
"I'm sorry about Emma." he said quietly. And he was, he really was.