The days following that night were hellish for Shizuo. Although his worrying had gone down from a state of high emergency, whenever he was away from Izaya he would just get anxious. He couldn't sleep at night because of the frequent nightmares he would get of Izaya killing or hurting himself. Worst of all, Izaya was inundated with work that week so calls and texts between them were few and far in between.

He had been relying on his job with Tom as a means of distracting himself from the issue, but when Tom started noticing his state of disarray he had gone ahead and given him the next couple of days off. Now Shizuo was victim to his own mind and it was driving him crazy. He sat on his couch clutching his phone, debating whether to call Izaya for the 3rd time that day. He really hated to seem possessive, or distracting, but he just needed to know that he was ok. He kept trying to convince himself that the note was just a false alarm but that damn label on the box surfaced all of his doubts.

For when the time comes

"FUCK IT!" Screamed Shizuo as he ran to the door to put on his shoes. "I can't fucking live like this anymore. I need to see him. We need to fucking sort this out."

Shizuo stormed out of his apartment, reaching into his pocket to grab his fourth cigarette that day.

I don't care what it takes Flea, this needs to stop right the fuck now.

As soon as Shizuo got off the train he started running to Izaya's apartment, as if to chase off his own fears. He laughed maniacally at the irony. "Ahh Flea, even after the fighting stopped here I am, still chasing after your crazy ass."

When he approached the posh apartment complex, he caught his breath and began ascending up the elevator. As he made the short journey up to his floor, he couldn't help but worry about how this would go. Either way, thought Shizuo as he walked towards his door. After tonight maybe I'll finally get some answers.

His hand hadn't even reached the doorbell when he heard a noise.

BANG

All at once it was like the air was ripped from Shizuo's lungs. He couldn't feel anything, his muscles were frozen in place, his face locked into a shocked expression. The color seemed to fade from the world around him and in the next second it was as if his mind had only known one word.

No

No

Nonononono

His heart started hammering in his chest as he finally willed himself to move.

"Izaya." He choked out

I'm too late. I'm too late. It's all my fault.

"Iz-aya…"

This can't be it, this can't be how it ends, no. NO!

"IZAYA" screamed Shizuo as he pounded on the door to no avail. "IZAAYAA"

It's all my fault. Why didn't I just throw the box away? It's all my fault…

He could feel hot tears streaming down his face as he kicked his door down. He sprinted into the apartment, making his way cautiously to his bedroom.

Oh God. It's all my fault, I couldn't catch you in time, It's all my fault, Izaya I'm so sorry…

He swung the door open to find his bedroom empty and tidy as usual. He dove under the bed to where he knew the box was and found that all the letters and the revolver were as he left them.

If everything is still here than this means…

"Shizu-chan? Shizu-chan! What are you doing here?!"

All at one everything seemed right in the world.

Shizuo immediately leapt at the source of that voice and pulled him into his arms. He nuzzled that thin, warm body under his chin, tears of relief rolling down his cheeks and into his hair. He couldn't help but weep uncontrollably for the man he thought for sure was dead.

Izaya had no idea what to do. He had never seen Shizuo cry ever. He didn't even think the brute was capable of any reaction other than rage, but here he was, crying into his shirt like a child who had lost his mother at the supermarket. Izaya didn't really know how to comfort someone, much less get someone to stop crying, so he figured he would just stay there with him until he stopped.

"Shizu-chan…. Why are you…?"

"I th-thought…dead…" muttered Shizuo between sobs.

"Shizu-chan I can't understand you when you're talking like that. Just calm down and tell me what's wrong, ne? Who's dead? Did a relative die or something?" Izaya tried his best to be supportive.

"No…" said Shizuo trying to calm down his sobs. He pried his face away from Izaya's neck and began to rub furiously at his eyes. "No… Izaya, I thought you were dead. I thought I lost you…"

Izaya's eyes went wide

"Why the hell… Why would you think I was dead?"

"I heard a noise… It sounded like a gunshot…"

Izaya paused pensively for a moment before slapping his forehead.

"Oh no… Shizu-chan! I just dropped a pan when I was cooking dinner and it made a really loud noise… that's all. I ran back in here to get some towels to clean up the mess."

Shizuo could've laughed at the situation. He had really been fine this whole time… But now Izaya was staring at him like he was the biggest idiot he'd ever seen. Like he was a dumbass for thinking that it was anything more than just a pan dropping on the kitchen floor. Like he was being the paranoid, clingy boyfriend. He fucking hated it.

"Don't you dare fucking look at me like that, you piece of shit."

Izaya's smile turned into a confused scowl.

"Like what, Shizu-chan?"

"Like that. Stop looking at me like I'm a fucking idiot for thinking that you were dead, for thinking what I really heard was a gunshot."

Izaya had no idea what he was talking about, and wasn't quite in the mood to try and figure it out. "Oh, my Shizu-chan's touchy today! I mean really, why can't you just be happy that it was a false alarm? Maybe Shizu-chan hit his head on something hard and now he's hearing things and is all paranoid and delusional. Shall I call Shinra? Or maybe you can just tell me why your panties are in a bunch without me having to play a protozoan guessing game. "

Shizuo was beyond furious. He had hurt him before but never like this. Shizuo didn't even respond, he just dove under the bed, grabbed the box, and held it in front of him.

"If I'm such a protozoan, Izaya. If I'm so 'paranoid' and 'delusional' then tell me what the fuck this box is really for."

All of the color drained from his face as the box was pushed towards him.

Fuck.

Once his eyes finally shifted away from the box and onto Shizuo's face, set in such an angry and hurt expression, eyes and cheeks still pink from crying, he knew that it was going to be one of those kind of nights. Those nights where their personalities clashed at the deepest level and Shizuo wouldn't rest until he broke down each and every one of those layers he took such a long time to build up. He was not in the mood for one of those nights. He still hadn't answered Shizuo yet, but he could feel himself starting to panic, looking for ways to run away.

"I'm not doing this right now." Said Izaya finally as he began to walk away. Shizuo quickly grabbed him by the wrist.

"Yes, you are Izaya. Stop trying to run away."

Izaya turned to face him and began to violently tug at his arm. I hate when he does this. I hate this I hate this I hate this…

"SHIZUO. LET. GO." Yelled Izaya as he began to feel helpless within his grasp.

"NO Izaya. Not until you tell me why the fuck you want to kill yourself..."

Without the option of running, Izaya had to resort to the tactics he knew best.

He smirked.

"Wow who'd have known you would get so riled up about the prospect of me killing myself? It's really endearing. I had no idea Shizu-chan liked to fuck me so much that he'd be crying like a toddler at the thought of me dead. I mean, I know I'm a good fuck, but wow!"

Izaya regretted those cruel words the second they flew out of his mouth. He didn't feel better after disrespecting Shizuo like that, after hardening his heart like that. He didn't even bother to dodge the fist that came hurling towards his face. Once it connected and he could feel himself falling, he didn't even bother to try to stand up. I really am despicable aren't I, Shizuo.

"YOU CUT THAT SHIT OUT RIGHT NOW. YOU DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME LIKE THAT. I AM NOT ONE OF YOUR GODDAMN CLIENTS." Shizuo knelt down next to Izaya trying to assess the damage he caused his cheek. Izaya refused to make eye contact with him as he rubbed his face. "I wanna talk to Izaya right now, not the fucking Information broker, not the 'god among humans' but Izaya. The Izaya I made love to last week. The Izaya that likes documentaries and fatty tuna and French toast. I want to talk to THAT Izaya right now."

"He's not here right now…" said Izaya obstinately. Shizuo could tell Izaya's voice was cracking, and he suddenly realized that he had no idea what kind of territory he was trespassing on. He tried softening his voice.

"Please… Izaya, just help me to understand what's going on here."

Shizuo got out his letter from the box prepared to read.

"Don't…" croaked out Izaya trying to hold back tears.

"Dear Shizu-chan, if you're reading this letter, then I have some good news for you, and a whole bunch of other people"

"Shizuo…"

"…I, the great Izaya Orihara, am no longer among the living. Before this letter reached your doorstep, I ended my life with a bullet to the head. I know how much you would've loved to kill me with your own hands, but consider yourself lucky that I went ahead and did all the hard work for you! Aren't I just the best…"

"Stop…"

"…Anyways, I'm still not quite sure what happens after death, but if I still exist to care after I'm dead, you can bet that I hope you'll meet the same fate soon. The world would be a better place without a stupid confusing monster like you around anyway. In a way, I'm going to miss the little fights we used to have together, you were such an entertaining little toy, but now you're just going to have to play without me…"

"Please, Shizuo…"

"Hatefully yours,"

"STOP" Izaya nearly yelled. His eyes were definitely red now, but he still had yet to shed a tear. "That was written before… we were us."

"But you still want to go through with this don't you?"

Izaya stared up at Shizuo silently

"Because if you don't… then why don't you unload the gun and burn up all those letters."

Shizuo reached into his pocket for his lighter and tossed it to him.

"Go ahead, Izaya."

"…Shizuo."

"Go ahead. Here's the time when you're supposed to prove me wrong…"

"…"

"You're supposed to call me a protozoan or a stupid brute and tell me that everything's fine. That everything's always fine…"

"…"

"Go ahead... Izaya… I-I've seen you use a lighter before. Y-you know how t-to burn…"

"Shizuo, don't"

"…Izaya…"

Izaya crawled into Shizuo's lap and allowed himself to be held onto again.

"Izaya…oh my god…."

Shizuo held onto him tightly as the tears returned to his eyes and fell down his cheeks.

"Oh my god… you're absolutely serious then? You're absolutely serious?"

Izaya rest his head against his chest, willing himself not to cry.

"Maybe, I don't know…I'm sorry, Shizuo. I never meant to hurt you like this…"

"Never meant to hurt me? So you were just going to do this one day? Without even telling me there was a problem? Like just one day you were going to be gone? And there wouldn't be a damn thing I could do about it?"

"Shizuo, I told you that was written before we started our relationship."

"But you still plan on killing yourself right, so it doesn't matter when it was written, does it?"

"…"

"Izaya, please… Where is this coming from? I want to fix this, I want… I want to make this better."

Izaya craned his neck to face Shizuo.

"You're not blaming yourself are you? Shizuo, I'm not your problem to fix…"

"No, but I can't just sit here and do nothing while you plan on ending your life. Especially when I didn't even notice that you were depressed this whole time."

"Depression isn't the issue. I don't think I've ever really been depressed before… not even when I wrote those notes…"

Shizuo was confused.

"But if you aren't depressed… Why are you so intent on taking your own life…"