"…I can't tell you that."

"Izaya, please. I just want to help you."

"I can't tell you that, Shizuo."

"Why do you keep doing this? I thought we were past this. Why do you keep shutting everyone out who tries to help you?"

Izaya felt his cheeks burning.

"I don't know…I- "

Tears began to fall down his cheeks and he began shaking with a combination of fear and frustration. Shizuo held him close, turning him around to face him.

"Izaya, please, just tell me what I can do to help you… I just… I love you and I just don't want lose you."

Oh god.

Izaya didn't do anything to stop the tears running down his face. Shizuo continued to hold him close while he sobbed.

"Why would you say something like that…? Why would you say something like that to me?" choked out Izaya as tears continued to fall.

I hate it when he does this. I hate it.

"Because it's true. I love you, Izaya please tell me what's going on."

"I can't…"

Shizuo kissed his forehead and rubbed his arm trying to get him to calm down.

"Izaya, shhhh don't. I'm here, I'm here. I love you, please let me help you…"

"I can't…"

"Why not?"

"Because, Shizuo…." Izaya wiped away his tears and tried to even out his voice. "…If I told you why, you wouldn't want to be with me anymore."

"No, no Izaya. I just want to help, I won't leave you, I can't leave you just please… tell me what's wrong."

Izaya could feel his walls breaking down, his heart fighting it's way to reach out to Shizuo's, but his mind kept putting up that block.

"I can't… I can't trust you, you won't want to be with me anymore… I don't want to lose you Shizuo, I can't be alone again… I can't go back to how it used to be with us. I can't be alone again…"

Izaya sobbed harder into Shizuo's chest. He was frustrated with himself for not being able to open up to the one person he cared about the most, but at the same time he knew that if he told Shizuo what the plan really was he wouldn't be able to look at him the same way again. He couldn't risk that. He could still feel himself trembling but Shizuo's soothing embrace began to calm him down.

"I'm sorry Shizuo…"

Shizuo lifted his face towards his gently, wiping the tears away with his thumbs. He leaned in and kissed him gently but passionately, cradling Izaya as if he could break from the lightest touch. When he pulled away, he looked at him with such a loving expression that Izaya could feel all of his inhibitions melt away.

He'd done it again, and what within an hour? You're getting a lot better at tearing me down to my most vulnerable state, Shizu-chan, I'm not quite sure how I feel about that.

"Izaya, please. I promise you that I won't leave you. You don't have to worry about being alone again. Not while I'm here. Just tell me what's wrong and we'll get through this together"

Oh, I bet Shizuo…

"Fine… I'll tell you everything."

Izaya exhaled and tried to keep his voice even. He rest his head back against Shizuo's chest to avoid looking him in the eyes when he talked.

"Are you familiar in any way with Irish folklore? Particularly the legend of the dullahans?"

Shizuo cocked his head in confusion but decided jut to go along with whatever Izaya was saying.

"…not really…"

"Well the legend has to deal with these headless faeries who ride on black horses, carrying their own head under their arm. They're called dullahans. They're believed to be a kind of "reaper", and their appearance at a person's location signals their impending death."

"….Ok well, what does this have to do with you wanting to kill yourself?"

"I'm getting to that… Basically, this is what I think Celty is, an Irish dullahan, but I think her role in this universe transcends the Irish legend… In Norse Mythology, there exists this place called Valhalla, a sort of heaven for Viking warriors where they prepare for the events of Ragnarok."

"The Norse End of Days?"

"Exactly… so Vikings are delivered to Valhalla by Valkyries, which are another kind of faerie."

"And you think Celty is a Valkyrie…"

"Yes. And so I wondered why Celty walks among mortals... I think that because Celty was separated from her head, she can't fulfil her purpose just yet." Izaya hesitated. "Through a couple months' worth of intense planning and connections I now have Celty's head in my possession…" Izaya felt Shizuo's heart beat faster. "You see, Valkyries take only the victorious in to Valhalla, so my plan was to create a war in Ikebukuro that only I could win in order to "wake up Celty's head" and have her take me into the afterlife."

Izaya paused, waiting for a response from Shizuo, but when one didn't come he continued.

"But… the thing about the afterlife… is that you have to die to get there. Vikings can only reach Valhalla if they die valiantly in battle… for a while, I was banking on the fact that I could get you angry enough to kill me…" He felt Shizuo tense around him. "And if you wouldn't kill me, I could probably get some trouble for myself with the yakuza… but I made sure that if all else fails, I could have a back-up that I could control and come to terms with, and that's where the box comes into play. When my plan comes into fruition, I wanted to have the option of killing myself open."

Shizuo still hadn't responded and Izaya was beginning to panic.

"So… there you have it Shizu-chan. You wanted to know what was wrong with me so I told you…"

Izaya's gaze fell towards Shizuo's hands and found that they were clenched at his sides.

No…Shizuo don't leave me.

"Aren't you going to say something…?" said Izaya weakly. He held his breath in agony as he waited for a response, his teeth painfully sinking into the flesh of his lips.

Well at least he hasn't killed me yet… But now he's probably going to walk out of my life forever. Well fucking done Izaya…

He felt his heart sink until he felt his cheeks being cupped again.

What the?

Shizuo gave him another kiss on the lips and continued to hold him close. When he pulled back, Izaya noticed that Shizuo had a calm smile on his face, and Shizuo reached over to ruffle through his hair.

"Oh Izaya-kun, what am I going to do with you? Just when I think you can't get any more insane…"

Izaya was confused at his demeanor, he thought for sure he'd be filled with rage at the thought of him using Celty's head for the purpose of immortality.

"Does this mean you're going to leave me?"

Shizuo smiled and placed him back under his chin.

"Of course not, Izaya. I wasn't lying when I told you I wouldn't"

Izaya breathed a sigh of relief and allowed himself to relax against Shizuo's chest. He felt safe again within his embrace, but he knew this probably wouldn't be the end of the conversation.

"…I can't let you go through with this though…"

"Which part?" said Izaya although he was sure of the answer.

"All of it. You can't just use Celty like that… Especially if you still want to have Shinra as a friend."

The way Izaya tensed at his wording signaled to Shizuo that he had probably considered this before.

"But Shizu-chan you don't understand… This is what I've been preparing my whole life to do…"

"What if it doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"…I'll figure something else out…"

"If you can figure something out then, why can't you figure something else out now?"

Izaya was quickly becoming aggravated.

"Shizuo… you're asking me to give up on my life goal…"

"No, I'm asking you to pursue other alternatives."

"Shizuo, you don't understand this is my chance-"

Shizuo cupped Izaya's cheeks again so that they would be face to face.

"I understand perfectly." Shizuo said tenderly. "Look Izaya, I know that you're not just scared, but terrified of what happens after death. I know that you're scared that one day you'll just disappear and it will be as if you never mattered. I know that you're scared of… nothingness."

Izaya looked at him wide eyed.

"How… how could you have possibly known that about me?"

"Because I know you. You aren't scared of much Izaya, but it didn't take me that long to piece together what you are afraid of…Also you talk in your sleep."

Izaya frowned.

"What do you suppose I do then, Shizu-chan?"

Shizuo smiled.

"I have no fucking clue flea, you're a smart guy. I know you can figure it out."

Izaya continued to frown, but Shizuo cut him off before he could offer a retort.

"Let me ask you something flea. If someone would have come up to you nine years ago, pointed at me and said 'you see that guy over there? The guy you cut the shit out of the other day? That man is going to be your boyfriend one day' would you have believed them?"

"No…"

"And would you have believed it if the same person told you that you'd one day own the head of the famous black rider?"

"No… what are you trying to say Shizu-chan?"

"What I'm saying is, plans change. People exceed your expectations and change when you least expect them to. That's kind of the fun part I think. You can't tell me that everything that happened between us over these past nine years was all a part of your plan. You'd like to think that it was, but that's just a lie. We have no idea what's in store for us within the next year, ten years or hell, even fifty years if we're fortunate enough. You've said it before, there's so much going on in this city that even you don't know anything about, but what about in all of Japan, or even the whole world. You've always said you wanted to see America, but you got to be alive to see it don't you?"

Izaya looked away from him "Yeah, but-"

"But nothing. It's ok to be afraid of what happens after death, it's ok to not be sure. Hell, I'm scared of what'll happen to me too, but not to the extent that I can't enjoy the blessings of the present. You gotta trust me on this, there's a lot more living you have to do before you can worry about death. And when the time comes… hopefully later rather than sooner, I'll be with you every step of the way, I promise. You don't have to shut people out anymore. You don't have to figure this out alone. You don't have to do everything alone anymore, please don't forget that."

Shizuo smiled back at Izaya and let go of his cheeks. Izaya was stunned, he couldn't really tell whether he was just emotionally exhausted from the conversation or simply touched by Shizuo's kind words. Maybe it was a combination of both, but it seemed as if they both knew that things were going to be different after this night.

"I won't forget that…. I trust you…"

The softness of Shizuo's eyes as he let out that confession made Izaya's heart flutter, as if it were possible to fall even deeper for this man that he used to despise. He nuzzled his head back onto Shizuo's chest and closed his eyes.

"I love you Shizu-chan."

Shizuo's eyes widened and he tugged him into the hug firmly.

"You've never said that before…"

Izaya chuckled into the embrace.

"I know… I was afraid that if I told you, you'd use it one day to destroy me."

Izaya wriggled out of Shizuo's arms and grabbed the lighter that was on the ground. Sighing as he moved off of the floor, he snatched all of the letters from the metal box and dangled them over the flame. He opened up his bedroom window and tossed the charring papers onto the city streets to never be read from again. He took the revolver out of the box as well and threw the single bullet out of the window, following the charred remains of the letters. When he turned back from the window to face Shizuo he was smiling softly.

"But the thing is Shizu-chan, I'm still scared as hell, and I think I will be for the rest of my life, but when I'm with you I'm no longer afraid."