"Oi! Olly. Get over here. Get over here now, or you'll miss it."
"Miss what?"
"A life lesson. A special educational event, direct from me to you."
"Oh, God…"
"Oliver Reeder, today is the day the prick-spotter supreme shares with you the benefit of his years of prick-spotting experience, in teaching you how to spot a prick. Look over here. Dead ahead. Y'see him? Here are certain factors that will help you, the decidedly-average young man in an old suit, spot a prick. Notice, if you will, the cautiously-casual, carefully-uncared-for mop of dark curls. The pasty, indoor skin. The stupid woollen coat which is just a bigger echo of the one his Mum used to send him to school in. Oh, look, you've got one too."
"…Yeah, very funny, Malcolm."
"Ah, I'm only joking. I'm not calling you a prick. You wear glasses you don't really need on top of it all; there's no need to call you a prick, every cell of your being marks you out as a prick. Him, on the other hand, he hides it. He masks his prick status under the guise of extreme intelligence, not knowing that supreme intelligence is not, in fact, an excuse for being a prick. People think it's the other way round, they think intelligence is the cause and prick is the effect, but they're wrong, they're very wrong."
"This isn't a lesson, Malcolm. I know all of this. It's on the blog… […] John Watson's blog. You don't read the blog?"
"Do I look to you like somebody that reads blogs, Olly? Do I look like the kind of twat that's got time to read the words that are created when a bit of some ex-army wankers brain dribbles out his nose and splatters on a computer keyboard? Actually, is John Watson there, can you see him? I've got a whole new barrel of bile on reserve for just such a delightful fucking occasion. Have a squint on down the street there, Olly; I'll take somebody who looks like him, I'm not fussy."
"I… I don't see him."
"Oh well. Another time, McReeder. Don't be surprised if I give you a ring if he turns up. Somebody needs to hear that fucking beautiful event of projectile vomiting. I'm not sure it would be medically safe for me not to say that out loud, y'know?"
[C'mon. Who's next to the block, eh? This axe'll go blunt if I don't start chopping soon]