A/N- Okay, so here is the first part of the chapter in New Moon called "The Truth". There is a lot of dialogue from the book in this section so please bear with me. I tried to put as much of Edward's thoughts into it as possible. I hope you like it . thanks again to everyoe who took time to review my story it means a lot to me and it keeps me motivated to write knowing how people feel about it.

Disclaimer: It's all Stephenie Meyer's.

PS- This is pretty long. Enjoy!!

I sat there thinking of all the implications of Bella saying Jacob's name. It couldn't be. How could she have moved on with a werewolf? She was supposed to move on and have a normal human life not get involved with a werewolf. Jacob was my enemy not through any fault of his own but through nature itself. We were created to destroy each other. Charlie's approaching footsteps disrupted my train of thought. He checked on Bella once more before heading to bed.

Charlie's thoughts were different from earlier in the day. He was no longer angry, he was concerned. I saw clearly in Charlie's thoughts the zombie that Bella had become. The week she didn't do anything and the pain Charlie suffered watching his daughter fall apart. Bella didn't take phone calls, barely ate, and never smiled or laughed. She didn't even listen to music anymore. Anything that had to do with me she avoided. What had I done? Charlie hated me for very good reasons. The pain I could see in Charlie's thoughts broke me. Charlie also had thoughts of Jacob Black. He obviously was on everyone's mind this evening. I wanted to block them out but decided to torture myself instead. Charlie thought highly of Jacob but he hadn't treated Bella well recently and Charlie was concerned about that relationship as well. I guess if I was looking for hope there it was. Soon Charlie was fast asleep. I contemplated all the things I had heard. I had destroyed her with the best of intentions.

I curled up in the rocking chair pondering how I could make things right. She doubted my love and that was insufferable. I agonized over the words I had used to make her doubt me, I don't want you. How could she believe that but more importantly how could I convince her I didn't mean it. Once words are spoken it is impossible to take them back. I sat there for awhile longer pitying myself. I felt lonely and it was hard to watch her sleep when all I wanted to do was touch her. I slide into the bed next to her and gently wrapped my arms around her. It was heaven. I couldn't want for anything more during that moment. I laid there for an infinite amount of time listening to her breath and taking in her scent. It was everything I remembered it to be and more.

Bella sighed heavily in her sleep. I wished I could know what she was thinking. Then as if Bella knew what I was thinking she spoke "Jacob, I have to go." I stopped breathing and my body stiffened. Again I was racked with pain and regret. I couldn't believe for the second time in one night she said his name. She used to say my name nightly and now the wolf had taken my place. Jealousy raged inside me. I willed her to remember her love for me but it seemed a fruitless effort.

Bella continued saying "Jacob, I have to go" for what seemed like an eternity. Her voice started to get angry as she said it. The next thing she said caught my attention immediately, "I love him." I wanted to shake her and scream who, who do you love? And then she said it "Edward." I didn't trust my ears at first. Had she finally spoken my name or was it merely a trick of my imagination? I didn't have to wait long to find out. "Edward, don't go." The emotions rushed through me. I couldn't decide which emotion was the strongest hope or fear. Yes, she had said my name but I still didn't know why she didn't want me to leave. Then I realized it didn't matter.

I whispered back "I'm not going anywhere, ever." I could sense by Bella's body movements and breathing that she was waking up. I was nervous. I didn't know what to expect. I waited patiently for her to open her eyes. She didn't. Her facial expressions suggested that she was struggling to keep her eyes closed. I gently placed my lips on her forehead. I wanted to coax her into opening her eyes. I wanted to be lost in the depths of them. Bella sighed heavily and opened her eyes.

"Oh!" she breathed and shoved her fists in her eyes, almost to wipe the image of me away. I leaned in close to her face willing her to move her fists so I could look into her eyes. She opened them again and looked at me, slightly surprised.

"Did I frighten you?" I was anxious. Everything over the last few days had lead to this moment. I was with her and it was time to face my fears. I watched Bella closely. The expression changed on her face so many times it was hard to tell what she was thinking and it frustrated me to no end.

"Oh, crap." Great that was her first impression of seeing me in her bed.

"What's wrong, Bella?" She frowned at me. Concern showed on my face, I was sure of it.

"I'm dead, right? I did drown. Crap, crap, crap! This is going to kill Charlie." Her first thought at seeing me was that she was dead. The pain grew deeper and spread throughout my whole being. She thought she was dead because she was with me. A deep frown crossed my lips.

"You're not dead."

"Then why am I not waking up?" Bella went from thinking she was dead to thinking she was having a nightmare. I was a terrifying monster and somewhere in her subconscious she knew it.

"You are awake, Bella." She shook her head trying to clear the haze of sleep that still clouded it.

"Sure, sure. That's what you want me to think. And then it will be worse when I do wake up. If I wake up, which I won't, because I'm dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie. And Renee and Jake…." She stopped after Jake. I needed to convince she was awake and alive. And what was the comment about being worse when she woke up. What would be worse?

"I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare." A small smile crossed my face. "But I can't imagine what you could have done to wind up in hell. Did you commit any murders while I was away?"

"Obviously not. If I was in hell, you wouldn't be with me." A weighted sigh escaped me. She wasn't listening. Then she looked away from me to the open window. When she looked back at me a blush had started to stain her checks. I loved that blush.

"Did all of that really happen, then?"

"That depends. If you're referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy, then, yes."

"How strange, I really went to Italy. Did you know I'd never been farther east than Albuquerque?" I rolled my eyes. I should have known she would find a way to lessen the danger we had been in.

"Maybe you should go back to sleep. You're not coherent."

"I'm not tired anymore. What time is it? How long have I been asleep?"

"It's just after one in the morning. So, about fourteen hours." It had seemed like an eternity for me, waiting patiently for her to wake. She stretched her body and the sight of her made my body feel alive.

"Charlie?" She asked with some concern. I frowned remembering all the things he thought of me. Then there was the pain I now knew for sure I had caused Bella.

"Sleeping. You should probably know that I'm breaking the rules right now. Well, not technically, since he said I was never to walk through his door again, and I came through the window…..But, still, the intent was clear."

Disbelief crossed Bella's face quickly and fury soon replaced it. "Charlie banned you from the house?" Her anger could be taken as a good sign. Maybe she wanted me in her house.

"Did you expect anything less?" I was troubled again by the memories of pain Charlie had inadvertently shared with me.

"What's the story?"

"What do you mean?" The story of why I left was a long but I was ready to tell it if she wanted to listen. Some how that didn't seem to be what she was asking.

"What am I telling Charlie? What's my excuse for disappearing for….how long was I gone, anyway?"

"Just three days. Actually I was hoping you might have a good explanation. I've got nothing." I smile weakly. I had all night to think and a cover story never crossed my mind.

"Fabulous." She groaned and rolled her eyes. I could only think of her beauty as I looked at her.

"Well, maybe Alice will come up with something." I am sure Alice could figure out something after all she was the one who took Bella.

"So," she seemed to be choosing her words carefully and I didn't know what to expect. "What have you been doing, up until three days ago?" She thinks that I was busy distracting myself, the hesitation gave her away. How could I ever undo the doubt I had put in her mind.

"Nothing terribly exciting." I couldn't tell her the whole truth, not yet.

"Of course not," she wasn't impressed with that answer. She even made a face. Typical Bella and I couldn't get enough of it.

"Why are you making that face?"

"Well….if you were, after all, just a dream, that's exactly the kind of thing you would say. My imagination but must used up." She still thought she was dreaming, only Bella.

"If I tell you, will finally believe that you're not having a nightmare?"

"Nightmare!" She wasn't impressed with my choice of words but thought carefully about what I was offering. "Maybe, if you tell me."

"I was….hunting." It was the best I could come up with. It wasn't a lie it just wasn't the whole truth. Bella seemed suspicious.

"Is that the best you can do? That definitely doesn't prove I'm awake." She was criticizing me with some teasing in her tone.

I hesitated. How was I going to explain this? Even though I wasn't with her, I was still motivated to protect her. "I wasn't hunting for food…..I was actually trying my hand at……tracking. I'm not very good at it." I wasn't good at it at all look how close Victoria had come. It pained me to think of this. I could tell Bella wasn't about to let this go she was curious as usual.

"What were you tracking?"

"Nothing of consequence." How could I tell her how much of a failure I was? I had failed her in every way possible. It hurt to know that Victoria had come close to her. I was a poor excuse for a boyfriend, if that's what I still was.

"I don't understand."

I had to tell her, the time for secrets was over. She had to know how sorry I was. The anguish of discussing my failure was written on my face. "I- deep breathe to stead myself. "I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know"- I started to speak so fast the words blurred together. I had to get this out quickly so it wouldn't hurt as much kind of like pulling off a band aide. In a sense that is exactly what I was doing, showing her all my wounds from the numerous mistakes I had made, exposing her to my flaws –"that I had no idea. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea that Victoria"-just saying the name pained me –would come back. I'll admit, when I saw her that one time, I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts. But I just didn't see that she had that kind of response in her. That she even had such a tie to him. I think I realize why now –she was so sure of him, the thought of him failing never occurred to her. It was her overconfidence that clouded her feelings about him- that kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond there."

I had started, it was time to put all the cards on the table and see what was left for us. "Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face. When I heard what you told Alice – what she saw herself- when I realized that you had to put your life in the hands of werewolves, immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself"- I shuddered at the thought of Jacob Black protecting Bella instead of me. "Please know I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I can see and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse for"-

"Stop!" I stared at her with tortured eyes. I had only just begun to describe how much I loathed myself when she had interrupted. She paused for an eternity. "Edward," it was said in such a small voice. She sounded pained to say my name. What had I done to this beautiful girl? "This has to stop now. You can't think about things that way. You can't let this….. your life. You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is not your fault, it's just part of how life is for me. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have to realize that it's not your job to take the blame. You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, that would have been my choice, and not your fault. I know it's your….your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't let that make you go to such extremes! It's very irresponsible- think of Esme and Carlisle and"-

Bella paused and look like she might burst into tears. I couldn't believe what she was saying. Did she actually think that I only went to Italy out of guilt? I felt annihilated. She was trying to set me free but I would forever be a prison to love. I was allowing her to do this not until she heard it all, every secret and whisper of love I had to share with her. I put on my most stern adult voice, one I had heard Esme use many times and spoke to her to.

"Isabella Marie Swan, do you believe I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty?"

Confusion clouded her beautiful features, "Didn't you?"

"Feel guilty? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend." I still feel guilty to the very core of my being if only she could love me again.

"Then….what are you saying? I don't understand."

"Bella, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead," just saying the words brought back all the images of her being cold and still. It pained me so much to think it. "Even if I had no hand in your death"- the word made my whole body shudder, it was so hard to say, to use as a description of Bella. "Even if it wasn't my fault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more careful- I should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie. But, really, what was I suppose to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?" And it wasn't the boy who had told me it was the wolf. The wolf that was my competition for something more important than my existence, for Bella's love was the reason for my being. I thought about it for a moment did Jacob know it was me. Did he say those things out of spite knowing the consequences of his words? "The odds…." It was almost impossible for Jacob to know but still such an unusual coincidence. "The odds are always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake. I'll never criticize Romeo again."

"But I still don't understand. That's my whole point. So what?" So what, so what!! The voice in my head was escalating.

"Excuse me?"

"So what if I was dead?" I stared at her uncertainly. She was obviously trying to make this hard for me and that was what I deserved. But I could never want her dead. She thought it meant nothing to me if she were gone. I thought I had explained myself but once the seeds of doubt are planted, the roots take hold and consume what use to be there.

"Don't you remember anything I told you before?"

"I remember everything that you told me." Then I realized the error in my statement. Bella remembered only the things I told her when I left, hateful ugly words I used to create doubt. They overshadowed the love I showered her with and still felt for her. I brushed my finger along her lower lip. I needed to touch her. I wanted her to feel the love I felt for her and understand.

"Bella, you seem to be under a misapprehension." I closed my eyes and shook my head in frustration. I needed to find a way to convince her. "I thought I'd explained it clearly before. Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist."

"I am…..confused."

I stared deeply into her eyes wondering what I would find there. I found understanding and wanting, if not for me then at least for the truth. It was time to tell her all of it, the lying, and the pain, all of it. "I'm a good liar, Bella, I have to be." She froze at my words. I shook her gently to relax her. She needed to hear everything I had to say. She needed to understand. "Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly." I could feel my face fall at the memory of how easy it was for her to doubt me. I winced at the pain of that still too vivid memory. "That was….excruciating."

I continued trying to focus on what I needed to say. "When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye- you weren't going to let go. I could see that. I didn't want to do it- it felt like it would kill me to do it- but I thought that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that if you thought I'd moved on, so would you."

"A clean break," she barely whispered the words. She did remember and it clearly brought her more pain.

"Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible- that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I'm so sorry- sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am. I lied to save you and it didn't work. I'm sorry." And I was so truly sorry I hoped she understood the gravity of my words. I couldn't tell by the look on her face so I continued. "But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could let one word break your faith in me?" It was a valid question. I needed an answer. Did she not love me as much as I hoped? It was so hard to tell she just sat there looking at me.

"I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept- as if there were any way that I could exist without needing you." It would be like her not needing air to breathe. She was a fundamental part of my existence that I couldn't survive without. She froze at my words. I don't know what made her tense up whether it was my words or the painful memories. I softly shook her by the shoulders refocusing her attention to our conversation.

"Bella, really what were you thinking!" She started to cry and I cursed myself for putting her through this. Truth be told I wasn't sure why she was crying. But I knew that every tear drop was a pin prick to my being.

"I knew it, I knew I was dreaming."

"You're impossible," I couldn't help but chuckle once. She still didn't want to believe I was here or that what I was saying was real. "How can I put this so that you'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here and I love you. I have always loved you, and will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the blackest kind of blasphemy."

Bella shook her head, all the while tears streaming down her face. She was broken and I wanted to steal her pain away. The pain I had caused.

"You don't believe me do you? Why can you believe the lie but not the truth?"

"It never made sense for you to love me." Her voice broke as she spoke and so did my heart. "I always new that." I narrowed my eyes on her and thought long and hard on my next move. There was one way. I had to kiss her. Her lips would not betray her.

"I'll prove you're awake." I cupped Bella's beautiful face in my hands and moved my lips towards hers. She tried to turn away from me. I didn't understand her reasoning but I had to know.

"Please don't."

"Why not?"

"When I wake up"- I started to protest and she changed tack- "okay forget that one- when you leave again, it's going to be hard enough without this, too." She seemed pain as she spoke. I pulled back just enough so I could see into her eyes. I would find the truth there.

"Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so …hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late? Because I've hurt you too much? Because you have moved on, as I meant for you to? That would be…quite fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare my feelings, please- just tell now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?" I had put everything on the line and she could break me with a single word. She could banish me from her life and I would deserve it.

"What kind of idiotic question is that?"

"Just answer it. Please." There was a hint of impatience in my voice. I needed to know.

"The way I feel a bout you will never change. Of course I love you- and there's nothing you can do about it." Oh yes, indeed there was something I could do about.

"That's all I needed to hear." I leaned forward and touched my lips to hers. The kiss started off gently, and grew more passionate with each second. I threw all the careful boundaries away and deepened the kiss. Bella responded by moving her fingers over my face. Her caress was heavenly. Her soft full lips quivered softly beneath mine, her heart beat erratically as my cool fingers caressed her face. Our bodies were so close together I could feel every curve of her warm, soft body. For a brief moment when our lips were apart I whispered her name and began the kiss again.