As the fateful anniversary drew closer things got worse. The nightmares came more often, Feferi stopped talking, and I shut down. Permanent hibernation, but this time I didn't have Sollux to fix me. This time I had to fix myself. Then again I'd done it before, I could do it again.
Everyone became so dark and grim at school. Not just for me or for Feferi or Tavros, but for everyone. Only Vriska and Dave looked unaffected. I noticed that they'd stopped bothering me for the most part.
My emotions were definitely acting weird. Sometimes I was sad while other times I was just numb. It felt like I didn't care. Whenever I saw Terezi I wanted to go over and talk to her, like she was my last friend, but in her eyes I wasn't her friend any more. She had always had ways to make me smile, just like John used to. She'd even made Nepeta smile after her favorite cat had died. Nothing would make me smile now and I didn't have friends so it didn't matter anyway. Nothing really did. It was a week before the day. The day that would mark one year. A year since they died, a year since Tavros couldn't walk, a year since Terezi changed, a year since Kankri started acting weird. One year.
A lot can happen in a year.
I went to school on Monday, ignoring everyone, acting like they weren't even there. Everyone ignored me too, for the most part. They were all freaking out over how John was going out with Vriska. Oh God, just when I thought he had a little bit of sanity. I guess they both deserved each other.
I didn't even feel bad for myself anymore. I could have made those last few weeks perfect. I could have told Nepeta how I really felt, I could have told Sollux, Gamzee, and John what they meant to me and I could have at least tried to be friends more with Aradia and Equius. Feferi couldn't have. She'd definitely had problems with Aradia and Eridan and Sollux. She went out with Eridan then told him she didn't like him that much and Sollux and blah blah blah. Also even though she didn't care about all that she didn't have any sort of support from her home or anything. Even thought she was incredibly rich her mom and her sister didn't care about her at all. All the money in the world can't buy you family.
The days passed uneventfully. When I got home one day I stared at the calendar I had in my bedroom. I didn't even know why I had it in the first place and I hadn't changed it since February. I found myself changing it, why I don't know. Then it was May. I lay down on my bed and closed my eyes and began to remember random memories of the last year or so.
I remember when there were cameras from news stations all around us. They were asking me questions and I didn't answer. Apparently I wasn't exactly helpful to them and luckily I never ended up on TV.
I remember that night at the hospital. I hadn't slept at all that night, of course. Even though I was uninjured they took me to the emergency room to make sure I was ok. It had been the longest night of my life. Sollux had waited with me in silence. I had been holding on to the hope that at least Gamzee had lived. But doctors came and delivered the news. They were all dead, all besides Tavros and Feferi. They were all gone.
We had been in a separate room from everyone else for some reason. It was complete silence between the two of us. I wanted to say something but I never did. I was too depressed, too in shock I guess to bother speaking. I was also afraid he was going to blame me for not doing anything. I didn't help at all and I knew it. I hoped he didn't think that, but part of me knew he did. Who wouldn't? Finally after a lifetime of waiting a doctor came in an announced the death of our friends. He told us that Tavros was in critical condition but would most likely live, yet never walk again. Feferi would live as well. After that I left the hospital silently.
Outside the room Sollux and I had been in, Kankri was waiting for me. I have no idea why it surprised me that other people were there. Of course other people would be there. I knew Meulin, Kurloz, Mituna and of course Kankri. There was another girl there with two long braids being comforted by a girl with a short blue dress on. A boy with black hair in a pony tail and goggles on who I instantly knew was Equius's brother was trying to make a boy with red streaks in his hair feel better, to no avail. Another girl I didn't recognize sat alone in the back, smoking, earning her a glare from the nurse at the desk. I could tell from their faces that they didn't know yet. Kankri stood up and walked over to me.
"Karkat," he said, lightly touching me arm.
"Don't touch me!" I snarled, ripping me arm away from him. For whatever reason I wasn't sad right now. More mad. Mad at Kankri more specifically.
"Karkat," Kankri said calmly. I didn't want him to be calm.
"I'm going home," I said. I don't know why. I want to go home on my own, alone. "I'm walking home."
"Karkat are you-"
"I'm fine!" I yelled. "I'm fine. They're not. That's the problem here if you didn't pick up on that!" The room was silent. Only Kankri and I were talking, or yelling more like on my half. "Just leave me alone Kankri," and with that I left and walked home. I guess that's how this whole thing between me and him started.
I randomly had another memory or flashback or whatever. It was one week before it happened and because Nepeta's birthday was coming up Gamzee, Terezi and I agreed that for her birthday we would take her to the movies. We were all busy on her actually birthday so we decided to do it a bit before. She came over to my house like the second or third time ever. As painful as it was I had gotten Kankri to drive us to the movie theater. I was hoping to avoid a ride filled with talk of triggers.
"I keep furgetting how nice your place is," Nepeta said I we walked in.
"Thanks I guess? Or was that and insult?" She didn't answer, just giggled. We walked in and she said hello to Kankri and I dragged her into my room to avoid any long rant.
She sat down on my bed and took her scarf and jacket off. "I keep furgetting how hot it is now that it's May," she said. "I mean seriously!"
We had time to kill before we had to go so we went on my computer and played some Skyrim, a game she loved and a game that didn't make me want to rage quit every 20 seconds. Later it was time to go and she forgot her scarf yet remembered it in the car. I promised to bring it to her Monday.
We watched the movie which I personally thought was great. In the middle I might have begun to cry a little bit.
"Karkitty, are mew crying?"
"No!" I said, a bit too loudly.
"It's ok," she whispered, "it is really sad."
She never told anyone, thank God. I forgot to give her her scarf on Monday.
Or Tuesday.
Or Friday.
Or ever.
I still had it, hidden. I meant to give it to her on Friday, but obviously I couldn't. I never looked at it or touched it or anything. I felt sort of guilty I guess for not giving it back.
The week was just one long painful trip down memory lane. Sometimes I wanted to go over and talk to Feferi or Tavros but I never did and never would. It seemed like all day they went though school like mindless robots without any emotion. Lord knows what happened when they left school. I hoped I looked like that, unaffected by what was going on. At least I wasn't being bullied anymore. No one was talking to me at all, which I much preferred.
One day I got home and Kankri wasn't home. He was usually there before I got home but I didn't really care. He didn't come home until the next day so I had to spend the night alone because my dad was in D.C doing some stuff for work. I had no idea why but something seemed intensely terrifying about being home alone. I felt like something was watching me. I was always fine being home alone at night before but now it seemed scary, like I was ten years old or something. Maybe I needed Kankri, even if it was just a little. We'd only really had two long conversations since the incident.
"I could help you," Kankri said, "Trust me Karkat."
"I don't want your help!" I yelled.
"Yes you do. You need someone to help you. You can't do this alone." I was freaking out while he was remaining calm. I didn't want him calm.
"No I don't. I don't need anyone. Just leave me alone for once Kankri. It's my life, not yours." I'd stormed off then and slammed my door and pretended not to feel even a tiny bit guilty. I mean he just wanted to help. I'd never been close to Kankri, he'd sort of just been some guy who lived in my house my whole life and could talk for hours on end about any sort of topic you gave him. Yes Kankri and I had a weird relationship. Our dad was gone a lot so it was usually just the two of us in our huge house. He was sort of like my dad but…not really I guess. It was complicated.
Anyway, I had made it though that night fine. When he came home neither of us said a word to each other, just like always.
Everyday things seemed worse and worse. I wished that the day after the anniversary it would all go back to what I had tried to make my life lately. Like the new found weight on my shoulders would magically lighten again. So my life would be sustainable without their memories crushing me. I hoped I didn't look like what I was feeling on the inside on the outside. I hoped I still looked like I wasn't breaking.
Sometimes when I saw Tavros I would remember his previous crush on Vriska and laugh mentally. Not a real laugh though. More like, 'well that's pretty pathetic isn't it?'
The days kept counting down and horrible and beautiful memories kept entering my mind then leaving. Then came the day. The day it had been a whole year.
Oh joy.
A/N: If you couldn't tell, this is mostly a filler chapter. Sorry! Also sorry about the short hiatus. My internet isn't working on my laptop. Anyway I'm should update pretty soon. Thank for reading and please review.