I woke up that morning and instantly remembered everything. I had had the nightmare that night but that dream had become so common it didn't even wake me up anymore. I just went numb though the dream watching my past play before my eyes. But when I woke up it all caught up to me again and I felt the pain once more. It was today. Today was the day they had died one year ago. At this time last year I was staring up at the ceiling thinking of the best time and place to ask Nepeta out. Then I had gotten up and said good morning to Kankri half-heartedly and walked to school with Sollux. When I got to school Gamzee came over and gave me a hug and I shoved him off and he left with Tavros to his first period. Then I had sat down in science and John had waved to me from across the room and I waved back then rolled my eyes. Just like any other day. The weight of everything fell on top of me again, crushing me. The weight of simply remembering what had happened today last year, not even the worst part, just how normal it had been, how unsuspecting we all were. It physically hurt me to think about it, so I tried my best to make it to go away.
It never really did.
I kept lying in my bed. I knew Kankri was going to come in at some point and tell me to go to school. Eventually he did but before he could say one word I yelled "GO AWAY KANKRI!" He didn't say anything, he just looked at me then closed my bedroom door and left.
I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to lie there and wait until the day was over, till the month was over, the year was over, till this lifetime was over. Maybe if I didn't move, didn't do anything all day I could act like it had never happened. So I did. For an hour or so I sat there staring at the ceiling. I heard Kankri leave and that's when I sighed and got up. But what was I even going to do. I wasn't going to school that's for sure. After thinking for a while I decided just to do nothing, but after more sitting there watching me clock change I realized I couldn't settle with nothing. Of course not. I went into autopilot. I went into the kitchen and poured myself some cereal and ate it incredibly slowly, staring at every detail of the kitchen like I'd never seen it before. How clean the granite counter was given the fact no one ate on it anymore, how smoothed off the wood on the cabinets was from the amount of people that had touched it over the years, the faint hum of the refrigerator, stuff like that. Unimportant things to keep my mind off my life. I finally finished. Now what? Something in my mind told me to visit their graves. While part of me didn't want to, a lot of me did. But not then, not now. I would wait a bit. I didn't want anyone else to be there. Just me and them, which sounded pretty creepy, given the fact they were dead.
I went back and forth in my mind, trying to decide if I should go or not. In the end I decided I should. I had to.
I didn't want to go yet, though. I had no idea what to do for the rest of the day. I guess it would be smart to go now if I wanted to be alone because it would be less likely someone else would be there.
I sighed and walked into my room, pushing those thoughts out of my mind. I didn't know what to do so I did what any idiot would do. I logged onto my computer and signed into Pesterchum. I sent a message to both Gamzee and Nepeta and stared at their auto responses. I looked at the line in Nepeta's that said, "I'm sure we can talk later!" Maybe there would be a day we could talk. Maybe it would be a long time later, when I was dead. I turned off my computer and stood up and sat on my bed. I wasn't even sad anymore. I was just numb. I was numb because the sadness had overtaken me. I just missed them. My best friend, the girl I loved, and two others I wish I could have known better. I lay on my bed for a bit until my body once more took control. I turned on my computer and opened a new Pesterchum conversation.
CG: HEY
There wasn't any response. I could tell this person was online, but I knew there was zero chance of him answering.
CG: I NEED TO TALK TO YOU
CG: SOLLUX, STOP IGNORING ME.
Of course he wasn't going to answer. He hadn't for a year now. Why, I didn't know. I sighed and keep talking. I swear I was going to kill him.
CG: IT'S THE DAY THEY DIED. CAN'T YOU JUST TALK TO ME?
I waited for five, ten, then fifteen minutes. Still no response.
CG: FINE. BYE SOLLUX. YOU CLEARLY DON'T CARE
I logged off and sighed. Why didn't he talk to me anymore? Weren't we best friends before? The three of us, Gamzee, Sollux and Karkat; three weirdoes who somehow had all become friends and had been inseparable since fourth grade.
The phone rang. I checked and it was just the school. I didn't pick up and listened as it rang though the house. I knew they were going to call Kankri and I knew he wouldn't pick up either. I don't know why I knew that, I just did. They wouldn't call my dad hopefully and I knew he wouldn't pick up because he was in a different time zone.
Suddenly I had the stupidest idea ever. No don't do it Karkat, I told myself, It's stupid. I did it anyway.
I went and got four pieces of paper and four envelopes. I slowly wrote their names on each one.
The dead can't read you idiot.
Does it really matter?
I sighed and took out a pen and began writing on the first piece of paper.
Dear Nepeta,
Hey Nepeta. It's Karkat. Or Karkitty .Or whatever I am now. It's been a year now, since you know…it happened. I miss you.
I sighed and looked at the words I had written. The dead can't read. I didn't care. I kept writing.
I miss you. I miss you with every ounce of my body. I'm just so sorry. So sorry I didn't save you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier how I really felt. I feel so guilty now and I know that guilt will never go away. I miss you, all of you, even Equius, even if the two of us didn't talk much. I think we could easily have been friends. As you're up in heaven now or whatever, can you see us? Can you see how desperate we are? I wish you could see us, help us in some way. You'd know what to do. You probably want us to stay strong or whatever, but it's hard. I'm trying me best, but Nepeta, I'm broken. So are Feferi and Tavros. We've been pushed past the breaking point. I-I just don't know. I don't understand. I wish I could talk to you, at least one more time. I just want to see you again. It's funny how whenever I wonder where you are I picture you in heaven because I'm an atheist. Maybe we just die and there's nothing after that. But maybe there is. Remember in fifth grade what you, Aradia, and Terezi used to say? About the dream bubbles? Maybe we just go there. But I just want you to know I hope there is an afterlife so I can see you again. Because I do really love you Nepeta. I've been in love with you for so long now. This whole year after you've been gone I still have a crush on you. And-
I didn't know what else to say. There was some much more I wanted her to know.
And I just want you to know I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let you down. I just want you to know I love you. I feel like I should end this letter like I'm sending a post card to a friend who lives far away. You certainly do live far away don't you? So far away no one even knows. But I'm going to end it like you're alive, like it's ok, I just can't see you for a while.
I won't forget you ever. Remember that, always. I love you forever.
See you soon, wish you were here, and everything else I could ever say. There's too much to say and so little time, so I'll just make it easy and say nothing.
Bye Nepeta.
I stared at the words I had written, each one of them true. I folded up the letter and put it in the envelope. One down, three to go. I placed another piece of paper in front of me and began to write again.
Hey Gamzee. It's Karkat. I guess it's been a while. A whole year. I never thought we'd ever be apart for that long. I hope you're happy wherever you are. You always believed in miracles or whatever. I guess if you guys are all together somewhere in a place without the living, I guess that would be a bigger miracle than I could ask for. I guess if that's true, you're doing pretty well without me there to help you out.
What are you even doing Karkat? Stop it!
Gamzee…I'm sorry I was a crappy friend. I'm sorry I failed at being your moirail or whatever you guys called it. I'm, I'm just sorry. It's just…I didn't know what to do. I guess I was never really good at being friends with anyone before I met you in fourth grade. I guess I just wasn't good at making or keeping friends. You were always there for me and I never was for you. I tried to help every once in a while but…I don't know. I guess I never did that great of a job at any of this. I wish I could redo it you know, start all over. Go all the way back to fourth grade and do my best to be your friend and help you and not always be a total jerk. I'm sorry I never called you bro either because I always knew you were waiting for the day I'd call you that. I guess I'll just say it now. You're totally my bro. Always have been, always will be, even if you're gone.
I sighed and looked at all I had written. I thought I was done but my hand thought otherwise.
I still haven't drunk Faygo. I never did, and probably never will now. You said it tasted like miracles and always would offer me some and I'd always say no. I'd say it was gross and sugary and that's why I never drank it, but I never tried it so why would I say that? I guess it was just to be mean or something. I'm sorry about that. I should have tried it at least once. Maybe you'd want me to drink Faygo now. You always said it helped you clear your mind, and my mind needs some clearing right now. I guess what I'm trying to say is I miss you Gamzee. I miss both you and Nepeta so much. I miss Sollux, and John and Terezi and Aradia and how Feferi used to be and the Tavros you used to love. I miss them all. I miss how you never cared what anyone else thought. I miss how you would smile no matter what and tell me it was ok. I miss how you'd stand up to anyone. I miss you Gamzee. I miss you so much.
I felt the tear stream slowly down my face. "God Karkat, pull yourself together!" I whispered, "You're such a wreck!" Yeah, I was. I wasn't even trying to hide it. I didn't listen to what my inner self was saying, I let myself cry. After a while I ran out of tears and reminded myself of the two other letters I need to write. The next two could turn…well weird. I didn't care. I was doing it anyway.
Hey Aradia. It's Karkat. We never really hung out much. Well I guess we did in a way. You were friends with Sollux and Feferi so we all kind of hung out that way. I never really got to know you very well. I remember that time you went into a coma for half a year and everyone flipped out and thought you were going to die. I guess you really are dead now, yet everyone seems calm. I also remember your odd obsession with death. You'd hang out at the grave yard and sometimes I'd come too. You said it helped you clear your mind, it helped you think. Now that you're dead I always wonder if it was anything like you thought. Your fascination with it was odd yet it made sense. Dead is such a strange thing. An endless sleep. You no longer need what most people do. You close your eyes and enter something. No one knows what happens after you close your eyes one last time. Maybe it's heaven, maybe it's the dream bubbles, maybe it's nothing. Maybe there's really nothing left. Maybe we have one chance. One chance to do it right.
I remember the day they buried you. Not just you, all four of you guys. They'd placed your hair perfectly and cleaned all your cuts and scars. You looked like you were sleeping. But you weren't, you were dead. Dead, dead, dead, dead. The word, the concept, you always talked about, always thought about in a much more serious way than I did. I remember when you said like was like an hourglass and you don't know how much time you have left and every day you lose grains of sand until there are none left. I don't think any of you had enough sand in your hourglasses. They all ticked away too fast. Death is a complicated thing and it can really eat away at your mind if you think about it for too long, and trust me I've had loads of time to think about it. Whatever. Wherever you are now, if you really are anywhere, you probably don't think about any of that. You already know. You've probably finally understood the questions you have always been asking and maybe it's sort of set you free. When you start thinking about things too much they become a burden and when those unspoken questions are answered that's all lifted and you can finally be free. You're probably with Nepeta and Equius now, wherever you are, all right and having fun. I hope you are great wherever you are. I hope all of you are. I'm sure you guys are happy if you really are some place now and you're together. I'm sure you're all wherever you need to be.
Sometimes I think of all the dreams and goals you guys had in life and I'm sorry you never got to reach them. We all had plans and goals and we all shared them with each other. Remember that? I guess you can't achieve your dreams now. I could achieve mine but I guess I don't want to anymore. It's weird how I just don't want to. Why should I be able to follow what I've always wanted to do if you guys can't? I don't want to grow up and get older and have a life and get a job and be happy because you guys can't. You guys can't get older and have a life. We won't be able to try and keep in contact over the years and Gamzee and I won't ever even get to try to get into the same college. We'll never get to find every way to keep in contact, even if I had to get up at 12 at night to talk to Nepeta. We can never do that and it feels wrong for me to have a life when yours was so wrongly taken away. It feels wrong to walk because Tavros can't. It feels wrong to see because Terezi's can't. It even feels wrong to talk because Feferi can barely do it. It feels wrong to live because you guys can't.
I remember once I asked you what would happen if you knew you would die in your sleep but you didn't know what day, just sometime soon. It was a weird question but I honestly wanted to know since you were the queen of death. You just smiled and said words that I haven't forgotten since then.
Then I better make most of today.
I sigh. I feel the tears silently streaming down my face and I fold the letter and put it into the envelope. Only one left. Equius.
Hey Equius, it's Karkat. I know you never really liked me and frankly the feeling was mutual. That's a pretty bad way to start off a letter saying I'm sorry, but it's the truth. The whole reason we put up with each other was because of Nepeta. We put up with one another to make her happy. That was your biggest goal in life wasn't it? Make sure Nepeta's alright. You could make her smile even when I couldn't. You were always best friends and unlike most relationships where a guy's best friends with a girl, you didn't fall in love with each other. You always made sure she was happy and safe and I think she did the same to you. The two of us always had the same goal in mind. Make Nepeta safe. I wanted everything to be ok with her. You did too, and did a much better job at it. That's why you're dead and I'm alive. Because you did our job better than I did, even if she's with you now.
I think one of the reasons you didn't like me was because I hurt her. Every day I acted like I didn't care that much about her, like she was just a friend or sometimes even less, and I never role played with her or made her happy. That was mostly because I was an idiot who didn't understand what love was. I think that's mostly why you didn't like me. But that's ok. I don't like myself for all the same reasons. Out of all the people I hate in this world, I hate myself the most. Because if it weren't for me, you'd all be alive and with me. There were so many things I could have done, so many things to save you.
The weird theory that Aradia and Terezi made about the dream bubbles basically says you can relive things. I'd relive that day, but save you guys. I'd find a way to do it, no matter what cost, even my own life. But I guess that will never happen. It's been a year now. A year since I realized how real death was. That's how death works. You can relive things you can't go back and change things to make them right. That's why I can't go back and be nicer to you and be friends with Aradia and tell Nepeta what she meant to me and save your lives. I can't so I guess I'm trying to pick up the pieces and start over.
I'm sorry Equius. You were pretty cool. I'm sorry we were never friends, and I'm sorry I couldn't save you, and I'm sorry I couldn't save her.
I hope you forgive me because I can't forgive myself.
I finished the letter and shakily put it into the last envelope. I felt strangely better, yet worse. I looked at each of the letters, their names written as neatly as I could on them. Then lay down on my bed and looked at the ceiling. Should I go now? No, I was too emotionally drained. I sighed and let the tears fall down and I just cried and cried and cried.
R.I.P James Mattioli, 6, March 22 2006- December 14 2012 and Grace McDonnell, 7, November 4 2005- December 14 2012
A/N: What's this? another filler chapter? Also, I don't know why I just thought this one didn't come out as well as the others mostly because he wrote longer letters to the two he didn't know as well then the two he was super close to. On another note I've decided I'm updating every Sunday. So next update in one week. Thanks for reading.