I woke up. Apparently I'd fallen asleep somewhere along the line. I sat up and checked the clock. It was 3:30, the time I usually got home from school. I had been an asleep for a while. I did some math in my head and figured I'd been asleep for two hours, maybe more. Those letters had taken a lot out of me. I stood up and decided it was time for me to deliver them. I got up and looked out my window and saw Kankri's car wasn't in the drive way, which was weird, but I was out of craps to give.

I got dressed slowly. I found myself putting on this red sweater Nepeta said she loved. I ran my fingers through my hair and closed my eyes. I hoped no one else would be there, I guess I probably should have gone earlier but oh well. I picked up the letters and walked down the street slowly, watching people go places, two people holding hands and smiling, cars racing down the almost empty streets. Just other people just going on living their lives and I, a 16 year old boy holding four letters in his hand, seemed oddly out of place, which I knew I was. I walked, taking the long way there, past houses and a park and the elementary school. The cemetery wasn't that far away actually. I walked past the huge black gate that led into the cemetery and walked a bit further. They were buried fairly far away from the other graves on top of a hill surrounded by trees on one side. As I got closer I could see someone was there, which I guess I expected. I moved slightly into the woods so the person couldn't see me. I saw it was Feferi and I could hear her talking, quietly. She was sitting next to Aradia's grave, and she went s silent for a bit, closing her sea green eyes and turned her head up. She had placed a rose on each of their graves besides Aradia's whose flower she was still holding in her hand. I guess Feferi wanted to do what I did, find a way to talk to them one more time. She just didn't write letters, she just started talking.

"I guess I really did it this time," she said, just loud enough so I could hear, "I really messed up. All of this is my fault. I-I just don't know what to do anymore. I just… what do you want me to do?" her voice broke but she kept talking. "I'm just so confused, I'm just so lost. They're just so mean, and I don't know why! I lost my best friend, I'm hurt enough already. Aradia, I've lost everything. I lost Sollux, I lost you, I lost Eridan, I lost everyone. Even Meenah has moved away." She let go of the rose and it fell on Aradia's grave "I still have those scars," she whispered "around my mouth. So I guess I'm always smiling. They say they'll never go away, but they're fading. I wish the ones on the inside would to. I heard some girls whisper about how I was overreacting. But I watched my best friend get murdered! I have every reason to be acting this way!" The last two sentences she got louder. Then she closed her eyes and was quiet for a while. "I've been having nightmares," she said, her voice quiet again. "You're always in them, sometimes Sollux and Gamzee and Nepeta and the rest of them are in them but no matter what you always are. It's funny how quickly everything can fall apart." She moved her hands up and looked at them. They were slightly bleeding from the thorns of the roses. She sighed, "always smiling…" She whispered. "Aradia, lately I've been doing things. Things I shouldn't do. I've stopped eating for the most part. Sometimes I can't help but eat chocolate because it helps but I always throw up afterwards. A while ago…I started cutting myself. I've stopped but…but I just remember the night before it happened and it makes me want to hurt myself. I mean…just…," she started crying, her tears slow and silent streaming down her face. "That night has made it ten times worse. You were over at my house and…and we both went too far. I should have let it go; we should have never had the fight to begin with. Anyway now it's pretty clear we both meant nothing to him at all. So I guess it doesn't matter." Suddenly she sat up straight, as if she noticed something. I hoped it wasn't me. Much to my relief it wasn't. She stood up and walked slowly down the hill and I could still hear her soft voice faintly, "Hey Tavros."

"Oh, hey Feferi," he said shyly.

"Do you need help getting up the hill? I mean, you really can't that well." She said, actually bringing up her voice. With only Tavros around I think see knew no one was going to hurt her. She could talk like normal if she wanted.

"Uh, yes please, if you, uh, don't mind."

"I don't! Alright, how am I going to do this?" she mumbled, "I'll just carry you like they do in the movies. Come on."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course Tavros! Come on."

"Uh, ok," he said, his voice shaky, "you, you don't have to."

"I know Tavros. I want to. This hill isn't too steep and you don't weigh much." I thought for a moment how Feferi said she had stopped eating. She probably wasn't strong enough to carry him and part of me wanted to go help but that would be weird because Feferi would know I had sort of been watching her. She actually managed to bring him up, slowly though. She finally made it up and placed him on Gamzee's grave and sat down on Aradia's after making sure he was ok and not falling over or anything. They sat there silently and Tavros placed his hand on the grave stone and slowly traced the words with his hand, slowly as if letting their words sink in. He closed his eyes, his hand still on the last word. Tears slowly fell down his face and Feferi wrapped her arms around him.

"Oh Tavros, don't cry," she said quietly and he buried his face in her shoulder and tears silently fell down her face as well. "Oh please don't cry. They wouldn't want us to cry. They would want us to remember them, but be happy. Gamzee would want you to smile, so would Nepeta and Aradia. They wouldn't want us to live the rest of our lives afraid and sad. They-they'd want us to be happy. So please don't cry Tavros." She hugged him tighter as if afraid of losing him. They sat there like that, her arms around him and moments past. "It's gonna be alright," she whispered softly, "it's ok." She wiped tears from her cheek and sighed.

I thought of going up there then decided ageist it. I waited there, feeling an odd pain inside, not just sadness or guilt but something more. Eventually Feferi let go of Tavros and he adjusted himself so he faced Gamzee's grave. I felt as though I was stalking them and wondered how long I had been there.

Tavros looked down at one point and sighed, "I have to go now Feferi. Do you mind, um…."

"Not at all," Feferi said with a forced smile. "Come on. I should get going too. I've been here quite a while." She sighed and smiled a tiny bit. "And- and I think it's time I moved on." She turned to Tavros and stood up, her legs slightly shaky. Before she went to help Tavros I swore she looked right at me and smiled then nodded, as if acknowledging me being there. Then she leaned down and picked Tavros up. As they walked away I hear Tavros apologize again and Feferi laugh a little.

"Tavros, you have nothing to be sorry for. You never will." Then they left and I kept sitting behind the tree for a little bit. I waited, five, ten, then fifteen minutes before standing up and walking up the hill.

The graves were set up Aradia, Gamzee, Nepeta, then Equius. I sat down right in between Gamzee's and Nepeta's and looked at the roses Feferi had placed on their graves. Aradia's was blood red, Gamzee's was light pink, Nepeta's white and Equius's crimson. I looked at Nepeta's. It was white, which seemed appropriate. I picked it up gently and turned it over in my hands then placed it down again. I sat there in silence, letting the wind blow around me and hearing the noise of other people going on with their lives. I just sat there and remembered every moment I could that I had spent with them.

After a while I sighed and placed the letters on their graves. Then I realized I never wanted anyone else to read these. I also didn't want these to go away, to blow away in the wind. I wanted them to be as permanent as possible. The ground was soft so I took some dirt off their graves. Then more until I had made a place for the letters. I buried then sighed contentedly. One day grass would grow over them and no one would unbury them, at least for a long time.

I stared at Nepeta's and Gamzee's graves and felt compelled to talk to them like the crazy person I was inside. I decided against it. I had already written letters and I didn't want to cry any more. I had said my last goodbyes and all my last regrets regarding them were now buried and maybe there was a way for them to read them. Maybe not. I realized I was ok either way. I didn't want to understand death. Whatever it was it was probably something very dark and grim. So I just looked at the two graves of my best friends.

Nepeta Grace Leijon , Gamzee Alexander Makara, Equius Zane Zahhak and Aradia Rose Megido. I looked at all of their names and realized Gamzee had never told me his middle name and I had never told him mine. I rolled it off and went back to simply looking at their graves and trying to fully understand. They were gone.

I remember what I had heard Meulin say a lifetime ago at Nepeta's funeral. Here lies a fallen angel who never got to show us how high she could really fly. Nepeta would never get a chance to fly but it seemed as though she was on the edge about to take flight before she lost her wings. Now I was left to remember all the things I could have done to make sure she had never lost them so brutally and unfairly. It was all my fault.

I noticed something on Aradia's grave. I picked it up and saw it was a folded up paper. I unfolded it and opened it up. It was a drawing, a very realistic one. On the left was Aradia, standing with her arms crossed, yet smiling, looking at Equius. Then it was Equius, who was blushing like an idiot. His arm was across his chest holding his other arm, glancing at Aradia. Nepeta was next to him, her back slightly turned to him, her hands pulled up at her chest like a cat. The expression on her face was one I'd seen so many times before; she was smiling, excited, like whenever she talked about shipping or one of her fandoms. Her too big trench coat went down to the floor and over her hands. Gamzee was looking at her, smiling, a can of Faygo in his hand. I looked at all of them and how realistic they looked. I looked at the bottom of the page, were it was signed. Feferi. I guess I already knew that. I was pretty sure I was the only one besides Aradia and Sollux to see her art. I placed it down after folding it back up.

I lay down and stared up at the sky as clouds drifted slowly across it. I closed my eyes and was surrounded by darkness. I wondered if I was going to be able to cry. I was though. The tears were slow and left streaks down my face. I no longer cared if I cried. I welcomed it. My tears eased the pain and proved to me I wasn't a mindless robot. I was human. I wiped them from my face and stood up. I couldn't stay here any longer. As I was walking away I turned around and looked back one last time. I sighed and whispered something low under my breath.

"My middle name is Adam if you were wondering Gamzee. I never liked it." I smiled. "I doubt you liked Alexander either." I waved a half wave goodbye and turned my back on him one last time and descended the hill.

R.I.P Noah Pozner, 6, November 20 2006-December 14 2012 and Caroline Previdi, 6, September 7 2006 – December 14 2012

Hey. Just a few couple announcement thingys. So this is chapter nine. After this we have like 6 chapters I think and the epilogue. So I might start updating this like twice a week if I have time. Once this stories done I kinda have an idea for a story in the same AU as this about the alpha trolls and I was wondering if you guys would read that. That's pretty much all I have to say. Also thank you so much for the reviews. I instantly smile when I see them. Thanks for reading!