I knew what I had to do when I got home. I rode the bus and got off, walking as slowly as possible to my house. It was time to face it. I didn't want to, but if Sollux had tried to make his life better, I guess I had to too. Today seemed oddly satisfying. Vriska was mad and Feferi and Sollux spent all day probably having a deep conversation trying to help make things better. I sighed and stood outside my front door. Kankri was home and I was trying to find the right words. I decided to wing it and opened the door.

"Kankri?" I called out. It had been a long, long time since I had actually said hello when I came home. His bedroom door opened and he walked down the hall to me.

"Hello Karkat. You called?" he said. He seemed oddly happy yet he looked the same as before. More like a weight had been taken off his shoulders.

"Yeah. Is Latula here?" Kankri and Latula were going out now and some days she'd hang out at our house after school. Kankri shook his head. "Good. I need to talk to you."

"I have needed to talk to you for a while now. I'm glad you feel the same." I nodded, already knowing this was going to be really awkward. "Should we go to the living room?"

"Sure," I said. We went into the living room and sat on the couch. I closed my eyes and I knew I had to do this.

"So Karkat, what do you want to talk about?" Kankri said from where he sat at the other end of the couch.

"Well Kankri…" how should I say it? I really didn't know how. The words make perfect sense in my mind but I couldn't say them out loud. "I guess I wanted to say I'm sorry."

There was silence, dead silence, for a few seconds and I felt like I'd said something wrong. I didn't know what he was going to say, but what he did say shocked me. "Why?"

"Why?" I said. Not really what I was expecting. "I'm sorry I cut you off and ignored your help. I'm sorry I never talked to you about what was really going on. I'm sorry I never thought about what you were going though. Overall, I'm sorry for being a horrible brother." I said it all as fast as I could but I knew Kankri heard every word.

There was more silence. I pulled my legs up on the couch, wrapped my arms around them then looked back at him, right into his eyes. "Karkat, if we're taking blame for thing, I have some things to say sorry about too." He paused for a moment. "I'm sorry I gave up on you, thinking you really didn't need my help. I'm sorry I seemed like I didn't care, acting like it was nothing. I'm sorry for not being there for you. I'm sorry, just like you, for being a horrible brother." He'd said it all slowly and clearly, unlike me. I guess I'd wanted to get it over with; either that or I'd just not wanted to admit the truth to him. But I knew he meant it. He really was sorry.

"Kankri…" I said, "if you had tried to help me more I would have just rejected it, like before. I said I didn't need you but I didn't realize I was hurting you. I do need you Kankri." Why'd these words feel so painful? Even now, I felt stupid saying I was wrong to my older brother, just like when I was little.

"Karkat think of it like this: imagine Latula, Mituna, Cronus and Porrim died and I was there when they died. What if I blamed myself for it and was miserable. Karkat, I doubt you'd give up on me. No matter what you'd try to make sure I was alright until the end. That's what brothers are for, and I guess I failed in that category. Family is forever Karkat, and I failed."

"You didn't fail Kankri. Not at all. When it happened I rejected any sort of help from everyone. I wanted to be on my own. I'd probably just end up hating you now and be worse off. I'm not saying you couldn't have helped, it's just I'm not the easiest person to help." I felt guilty. Why'd he blame himself? This was all my fault, as usual. Why didn't he see that?

"Maybe you're right, maybe you'd reject any help I'd ever try to give, but the truth is Karkat, we'll never really know and I'll always feel guilty," Kankri said.

"Kankri, it's not your fault."

"Yes it is," he said shortly.

"I see you're still not back into your talking habits," I said. I missed it in a weird way. I missed the way he'd talk for hours, the way he'd lecture me about anything I did to 'trigger' someone, the way I'd instantly drag my friends to my room to avoid his talking. The way that, despite the fact that he annoyed me, I still knew he was my brother.

"Not yet. Latula says she misses it."

"Kankri?"

"Yes."

"Where were you the night you didn't come home?" I could see how guilty he felt just by the way he sunk down into the couch.

"I'd gone over to Porrim's house for a bit. We had some homework together and we were working on it. It got late so I ended up staying the night. I meant to call but…"

"It's ok. I understand." I did understand. I mean, I wouldn't call if I happened to be somewhere overnight. Then again, I had no one's house to be at or anything like that.

"Karkat. I don't mean to be rude or mean but were you scared when I was gone?"

I shifted a bit. "Yeah I guess. I like to be alone sometimes but when it's night it all catches up to you. The reality of it all. All the monsters under your bed catch up to you and destroy you." That was oddly poetic of me. The truth was I'd been thinking about that a lot, the whole monsters-under-your-bed thing and how when you're younger you don't really understand how much life can hurt you.

"I'm sorry Karkat. I should have called." I just nodded and looked away at our yellow walls and couldn't help but think it was an ugly color. Why was I thinking that of all things now?

"Another question," I said slowly, "one day I didn't want to go to school and I may have followed you and saw you meet up with Porrim…where else did you go?"

"Oh that? Well Porrim asked if you needed to see a therapist. I thought about it and decided you'd be fine without that. I hope that's ok with you."

"It's fine. Trust me," I said. The thought of a therapist sounded horrible.

"Karkat, are we good now?" Kankri asked.

"Yeah, yeah I think we are," I said slowly, not a bit uncertain.

"Ok." He stood up. "I am so sorry Karkat."

"I'm sorry too Kankri." I stood up to. I felt relieved. I sighed and found myself hugging him. "Thanks Kankri." He hugged me back.

"Thank you too Karkat."

That night I took the box of my last birthday presents from them out of my closest. I didn't look at the scrapbook, but I looked at the rest of the stuff. I listened to the MP3 player and looked at everything else. Faygo took a long time to expire so I opened it and took a sip. It wasn't that bad. I sealed it shut again and examined the scale mate. It was really well done. I gave it a quiet hug for no reason then put it all back.

Also that night I was going through one of my drawers looking for Nepeta's scarf when my hand hit something cold and hard. I picked it up and instantly dropped it back into my drawer. I had forgotten that that was in there.

It was a gun.

Back not long ago when the bullying was at its peak I got a package in my locker. When I got home I opened it and I was a gun with a single bullet in it and a note that said, "do us all a favor and pull the trigger." At the time I almost did.

Now, for the first time ever, I was happy I didn't.

I was also happy Kankri found me that night I almost killed myself.

For the first time in a long time I was actually happy I was alive.

I dropped the gun back into my drawer. I really had no clue what to do with it or how to get rid of it. For now I'd just forget it ever existed.

That night I had the weirdest dream. It was all black, but I heard a voice.

"Eck! Oh, Karkitty this is all going purrfectly! Good job! You're definitely going to make things better. I mean, it won't be purrfect, it will be awhile for that to happen. There are holes in your guys hearts, ones you can't fix." I looked around, yet no one was there. It was definitely Nepeta's voice ringing clearly though my mind. "I think bringing Sollux back helped so much, and that talk with Kankri helped both of you. I think you know the last thing you need to do. Don't worry, I won't get mad. Not at all. I just want you guys to be happy and together, that's all I've ever wanted. I think it took me a while to realize it. Trust me, it's ok Karkitty."

"Nepeta?" I said into the blackness. "Nepeta is it really you or are you part of my imagination?"

"You get to decide that Karkitty." Then she was in front of me, wearing a trench coat that was too big for her so it went past her hands, her cat hat on like always.

I sighed. "You are fake aren't you?" I knew it was true, yet it broke my heart to say it out loud.

"Purrobably," she seemed as sad as I was. "I think I'm just part of your mind. Beclaws I'm gone Karkitty. As long as you accept that it's ok. You'd don't have to be happy with the fact I'm not coming back, just be ok with it. Also just know I believe in you, even if I am fake. You can make it all alright!" Then she turned around and started to walk, then fade away.

"Nepeta!" I called out, but she was already gone.

R.I.P Anne Marie Murphy, 52, July 25 1960 - December 14 2012 and Lauren Rousseau, 30, who died December 14 2012