I have missed the first two days of the last week of my sophomore year.

It isn't much of a big deal; those two days were study days in preparation for finals and I get A's on my finals, always have. I awake from a drug induced sleep Wednesday morning and as I leave to take my first test, I find my mom waiting at the front door, holding the bottle of pills the Doctors have given me after my most recent hospital visit and she says, "You're smart; you'll do well, even if everything's a little fuzzy." I am still feeling fuzzy from the pills I took last night and without thinking, I let her grab my outstretched hand and put five pills in it before pushing me out the door.

As I pull into a parking spot at school, I realize the pills are still clenched in my hand and I throw them on the ground and stomp on them with my high heels.

…

I have ten minutes before finals start so I make a stop in the bathroom to freshen up. When my eyes meet the reflection in the mirror, I wish I had taken those little white pills.

Red.

RedRedRedRedRedRedRedRed

I try not to scream, I really, really do. I am no damsel in distress, and I am not an attention whore but there is red, red, red in my eyes and on my nails and on my teeth and why did I not take those pills why did I think I could win at my own game why why why!

"Lydia? Lydia, are you okay?"

Big brown eyes but not the big brown eyes I love, love, love.

Allison looks very concerned and I am sitting on the floor of the bathroom with my back against the wall and who broke the mirror? and oh, oh, oh it was me, my hand is bloody, and I broke the mirror, it was me.

"Lydia, stand up. I'll help you. Are you hurt?"

Allison is wrapping her arm around my waist to help me walk, and Allison, she is the one who knew about monsters and didn't tell me. What happened to best friends and sharing secrets? And yes, I am hurt, but no, I don't need your help. I yank myself out of her grip and she looks confused.

"Lydia… I'm just trying to help you. Let's go to the nurse."

"I'm fine." Speak cold, don't let her affect you. No, no, no, not a best friend, not my best friend. "I'm fine, Allison, thank you. I have to get to English."

"I'm going there too, we can walk together."

"No, thank you."

Saunter away. S – A –U – N – T – E – R. I still got it.

I walk in right at the bell, Allison two steps behind me and even after a cold dismissal, she is still trying to catch my eye and ask what's wrong. And why can't she just stop, I don't want her to talk to me, no, no.

I sit front row because I am first, top, I am going to ace this test.

"Lydia." A whisper, barely a breathe and look who it is.

"Jackson." Face forward, tests are being passed out and if there is talking, you'll get an automatic zero and I am not a zero.

"Lydia, I've been trying to talk to you. You know I'm moving on Saturday." Saturday: three days away and then goodbye. Goodbye to first love, certainly not first kiss, but first love and first goodbye. "I think we should talk."

I don't look at him because I am afraid to see red, "Jackson. I don't want to talk to you. We're not back together and you don't owe me any explanation. Have fun in London."

"Yeah, Lydia, I'm sure I'll be having a lot of fun."

Tests are slapped on our desks and I jump in my seat. Our English teacher gives us a cold stare and we, in return, give charming smiles. We're too much alike and I don't want a goodbye but I definitely don't want a second chance, especially with too many miles between us.

…

Stiles is waiting at my locker at the end of the day and I fight to keep my smile normal but I can't and thank God I have great teeth because my smile is shining and wide and bright and white and I am happy.

"How are you feeling?"

Great now that you're here.

"Good, Stiles. How are you?"

"What'd the Doctors say? Did they give you more medication? I don't think they should be giving you so many different kinds."

The Doctors said I need to go to therapy and they gave me some medication but it's my mom who is providing the variety of pills.

"God, Stilinski. You sound like my mom… or how my mom should sound. I'm fine." I grab his hand and he doesn't try to keep his smile normal and now he looks how I imagine I did when I spotted him. "Let's celebrate being done with half of our finals by you treating me to ice cream."

Stiles is laughing and he agrees to paying for my ice cream and his laugh and his promise make me smile and I don't fight it this time and I am squeezing his hand and he squeezes mine back before he opens the passenger door for me. I feel light and full of hope but the few seconds where I am alone in his car and he is walking to his side of the car, I catch a look of myself in the side mirror and my eyes are red and I blink fast because Stiles compliments my eyes all the time and I can't let them be different when he's around. I am blinking, and blinking, blinking, blinking.

"Got something in your eyes?" Stiles is putting the car into drive and glancing at me, squinting like he'll be able to see an eyelash or something equally small stuck in my eyes.

I smile, "No, just testing my mascara out; just trying to see if it's… durable."

Stiles laughs and I let out a relieved sigh because the red is gone and it's just plain old Lydia staring back at me.

…

Cherry use to be my favorite ice cream flavor, but I order chocolate because I don't want to see anymore red than I have been recently. Stiles gets a large vanilla in a cone and he keeps licking it to make sure it doesn't drip on his hands. He misses a small, melting part and a raindrop of vanilla ice cream drops on his thumb. He lets out a moan of failure and I imagine that I lick off the vanilla on his thumb for him just so I can hear him moan again.

I get up and get him a napkin instead.

On my way to the front counter, where the napkin dispenser is kept, I hear a splat! behind me and I turn around. Stiles is staring open-mouth at his ice cream that has fallen off the cone and onto the floor. I giggle as he looks at me. He is still in shock.

"I'll get you another?" I say, raising my voice to be heard over the buzz of voices in the shop.

He gives a pathetic nod and I smile because it is too cute, and how does he manage to be so adorable and so hot at the same time.

Hot? Hot. Hot.

Stiles is… hot? Since when?

"Hot." I test out.

"What was that?" The ice cream employee is staring at me.

"Oh. I said, one large vanilla in a cone, please."

The employee gives a slow nod and turns to grab a cone. I grab a couple napkins because I know we'll need them. The reflection I see in the napkin dispenser is of a happy, smiling girl and wow, I am that happy, smiling girl. The employee hands me the large vanilla and I hand him two dollars and turn around, only to smack right into someone.

"I'm so sorry, miss. Are you all right?"

The vanilla is on the floor but I don't even hear the shout from Stiles because the man I've rammed into is wearing a red shirt and I just- red. Red, red, red is my trigger but how do you stop a color?

"Lydia!" Stiles is making his way to me at the counter but I am already sliding to the ground and I can't help it, my nails are digging into my arm because I don't want to see this red. Red that is everywhere and it all started with a shirt and Stiles, sweet Stiles, is kneeling beside me and he lifts my head to meet his eyes and

Brown eyes meet my wet eyes. And I sob, sob, sob the whole car ride home.