"A tie result. Well, that's disappointing," sighed Crane, studying the IQ test scores the next day.
"And it also doesn't determine anything," agreed Tetch.
"If I wasn't in physical agony, I would have easily beaten both of you," growled Nygma, massaging his bandaged head. "But it's hard to concentrate when your face feels like it's been smashed into a million pieces."
"Well, I hope you've learned your lesson about spying on women in the shower," retorted Crane.
"I saw Harley too," said Nygma. "I bet you'd like to hear details about that, Jonathan."
"No, thank you," he replied lightly.
"Well, I'm sure you'll take advantage of the peephole when she returns," said Nygma.
"I most certainly will not!" Crane snapped. "I'm motivated by a thing called honor, Edward, which I know you can't really comprehend, but it involves not spying on naked women, no matter how much the baser side of my nature would enjoy that."
"I don't see why not. It's really the only way you're ever going to get anywhere with Harley," retorted Nygma. "She's crazy about the clown. I'd take what I can get."
"Look, it's terribly unkind to torment a man hopelessly in love," said Tetch, gently. "Could we please not fight?"
"Actually, the only way we're going to determine the winner of this contest is by fighting," snapped Crane. "We have to have some sort of competition to determine who's the most intelligent among the three of us."
"Game of Trivial Pursuit?" asked Tetch. "Although those do tend to last days…"
"What are we, four?" demanded Nygma. "We're all criminals, for God's sake! Let's have a real competition!"
"What do you suggest, Edward?" asked Crane.
He shrugged. "I dunno. Some kinda crime to objectively determine intelligence, in terms of both knowledge and creativity. Like robbing a bank or a museum or…"
"Coming up on Gotham Insider, we look at the Joker's latest escapade which has shocked Gotham," announced the evening news. "No, it's not a new outrageous crime – it's the rumor that the Clown Prince of Crime has gone straight! In a surprising move, the Ace of Knaves has proven that he's anything but predictable, as he's publicly purchased the Joker's Wild casino, which will be reopening its doors in a couple weeks under his personal management. When questioned about this surprising business maneuver from a man who has never had any interest in legitimate business before, the Joker had this to say."
The footage switched from the newsreader to the Joker standing in front of a crowd of reporters. "I just feel like it's time to give back to the people of Gotham City. And what better way to do that than by providing them with a place where they can relax in a carefree environment and gamble away their life savings? Whether you're a hardcore gambling addict or just flirting with the idea of throwing your money away, Joker's Wild is a fun experience the whole family can enjoy together. But no gambling for the kiddies, I'm afraid! You guys know me – I'm nothing if not respectful of the law!" he chuckled.
"What about your criminal record, Mr. Joker?" asked one of the reporters. "Aren't you currently on the run from the law and the Batman? How can you start a business as an escaped felon?"
"How? I'll tell you how," said Joker. "Because I'm an American, that's how. And this is the land of opportunity, the opportunity of giving a guy like me a second chance, and a shot at being an entrepreneur and a businessman. The American dream is built on business, invention, and the belief that anyone can rise to the top, even an escaped felon. And that's why it's the greatest country in the goddamn world. God bless America!"
A huge round of applause echoed these sentiments. "He didn't even answer the question!" exclaimed Tetch.
"Any further questions will have to be addressed to my secretary – she's liaising with my lawyers as to the details of the sale, as well as ironing out all the little creases in my criminal record," continued Joker. "Miss Harleen Quinzel, everybody!"
"Thanks, puddin'," said Harley, appearing suddenly dressed in a business suit and wearing glasses. "I mean…uh…thanks, Mr. Joker," she stammered as he glared at her. "I can assure you all that the Joker is completely sincere in his reformation – he wants nothing more than to be a legitimate businessman like his friend Mr. Cobblepot. All he wants to do is go straight…"
"And you of all people know I'm already there, right, toots?" chuckled Joker, slapping her bottom. "But seriously, folks, that whole me and Batsy rivalry is a thing of the past! He's always welcome at Joker's Wild, of course, and I hope he'll stop by, for old time's sake. And to see that I'm not up to anything underhanded – dealing from the top of the deck only now!" he laughed.
"Any other questions?" asked Harley.
"God, she's so beautiful in glasses," murmured Crane, gazing dreamily at Harley.
Nygma was also gazing at the TV, but for an entirely different reason. A slow smile formed on his lips as a plan began to form. "I've got our competition," he murmured.
"What is it?" asked Tetch.
Nygma pointed at the screen. "We rip off Joker's Wild."
The other two stared at him. "Are you insane?" demanded Tetch. "Steal from the Joker's casino? Surely even you can see what nonsense that is!"
"No, riddle me this!" snapped Nygma. "What's a greater test of intelligence than outsmarting the craziest man in Gotham? Especially when he's so proud of his little casino. What could irritate him more than having it robbed right in front of his eyes and him being powerless to prevent it? And then if one of us publicly admitted that we did it, it would humiliate him even further when he learns he was outsmarted by people he's always considered inferior criminals."
"And you think the Joker would just take the humiliation calmly, do you?" asked Tetch, dryly. "You don't think he would be terribly angry, and wreak horrible vengeance on us?"
"Well, you don't have to worry about that, Jervis – you're not going to win," retorted Nygma, smugly. "And I'm not afraid of the Joker."
"Then you're an idiot," retorted Crane.
"Prove it, Jonathan," he snapped. "Outsmart me."
"I'm not stealing from the Joker," said Crane. "I'm not a complete madman."
Nygma sighed heavily. "Well, that's a shame," he said, nodding at the screen. "Because I'm sure Harley would be really impressed with any man who could prove himself smarter than her lover. She might be inclined to take him as her lover, if the guy made the Joker look pathetic enough. I mean, no man's attractive when he loses. And it's a pretty irresistible idea, isn't it? Making the Joker into a loser?"
Crane said nothing. He still studied the screen, watching Harley smiling and chatting to the reporters, and his thoughts flicked back to his dream, and how wonderful it had been when he had bested the Joker. Rationally he knew there was no way that dream could become a reality simply by stealing from the Joker's casino, but he wasn't an entirely rational man, being a certified lunatic.
He nodded slowly. "All right, Edward. You're on."
"Jonathan, this isn't a good idea," said Tetch, firmly. "Nobody is going to emerge as a winner in this situation, you understand that, don't you? Even if one of us manages to steal from the casino, the Joker is going to make us pay dearly…"
"We can't live our lives in fear of that clown, can we, Jervis?" asked Crane.
"We certainly shouldn't go out of our way to invoke his wrath," agreed Tetch. "It's nonsense, Jonathan…"
"You're just scared you're going to lose, Jervis," said Nygma, mockingly.
"I am not scared!" retorted Tetch. "I'm just not a complete moron! In fact, I for one believe I've already won this intelligence contest by the simple fact that I'm refusing to participate in it!"
"Well, first thing's first," said Crane, heading back to the cell block. "We can't be in here for it."
He tapped on the bars to Poison Ivy's cell. "What?" she asked, looking up from her book angrily.
"Pamela, is there any way you can break the three of us out of here with the help of your plants?" he asked. "I recall them being most effective in the past."
"I'm not helping that jerk after he spied on me," retorted Ivy, glaring at Nygma and then looking back down at her book.
"Pity," sighed Crane. "Oh well, that's that. I guess our plan to humiliate the Joker will have to go unfulfilled."
"Wait, what plan to humiliate the Joker?" asked Ivy, looking up again.
"Oh, it doesn't matter, Pamela – you've said you won't help us," said Crane, shrugging. "We were only going to steal from his precious casino and then publicly announce what we did, that's all."
"Oh…really?" said Ivy, putting down her book. "Well, why didn't you say so in the first place, Johnny? I'm sure I can help you out, as long as you're sure it's gonna result in J's utter humiliation."
"My word as a gentleman, my dear," said Crane.
"Good enough for me," said Ivy, reaching into her pocket and handing him a bean. "Throw that out the window and it'll grow a trail of ivy against the wall. You can use it to climb down. Try to be discreet though – I've just developed these and I wanna use them for a few more breakouts yet."
"My dear, I'm nothing if not discreet," said Crane, nodding at her. "Thank you very much. You're beautiful inside as well as out."
"And you have a really attractive body," added Nygma.
She glared at him, and then punched him in the face. "What did I say?" demanded Nygma, as the other two dragged him off down the hall. "I thought it was good to compliment a female's appearance! Honestly, women! I'll never understand them!"