Harley Quinn threw open the door to the Joker's office in the casino, and gasped. "Johnny!" she exclaimed, as she saw Jonathan Crane seated in the Joker's chair, casually holding a gun against the tied and bound form of her lover at his feet, who looked quite the worse for wear.
"Good evening, my dear," he said, raising a glass to her. "I just thought I'd stop by to show you the true face of the man you claim to adore. Get up, you useless wretch," he muttered, kicking Joker.
He whined and began sobbing in pain, staring up at Harley with tears in his eyes. "Since I have overthrown him, I have claimed his property," continued Crane, taking a drink. "All of it."
Harley's eyes flicked from Joker to Crane, and then a seductive smile formed on her lips. "Is that so?" she murmured. "Well, guess I'd better show you your property then, Johnny. All of it."
She shook her blonde hair out of its bun, letting it fall in waves over her shoulder. She adjusted her glasses, and then slowly began undoing the buttons on her top, ripping it off at last and straddling his lap. "Take me, Johnny," she whispered, taking his face in her hands and kissing him deeply. "I'm all yours…"
"Jonathan? Are you awake?" said a voice suddenly, and a knock on the door startled Crane into wakefulness, melting the dream in front of his eyes.
"I have to stop doing this," he muttered to himself, rubbing his eyes. "It just hurts to wake up."
The door opened. "I've just made tea with breakfast, and it's a sin to let a nice tea go to waste," said Jervis Tetch. "And I'm hoping that sardines for breakfast will help stimulate your brain, and make you realize the folly of your plan for tonight."
"Jervis, we've been over this," retorted Crane, throwing his robe on over his pajamas and following Tetch into their dining room. "I'm not about to let Edward win this contest outright without a challenge."
"And as I've explained to you multiple times, Jonathan, Edward is not going to win, whatever the outcome," retorted Tetch. "If he succeeds in ripping off the Joker, he will not win. The only possible outcome to this situation is that Edward loses. Don't make yourself a loser along with him."
Crane sipped his tea without responding. "And as I've repeated, humiliating the Joker is not going to make Harley more fond of you," continued Tetch. "No woman is grateful to a man for humiliating the man she loves."
"Well, that didn't stop you trying to best Billy to impress Alice, now did it, Jervis?" demanded Crane.
"That's below the belt, Jonathan," snapped Tetch. "And I've learned my lesson, I freely admit that. I'm trying to prevent you from making my same mistake. I'm your friend."
"And as my friend, I'm sure you'll respect my decision to ignore your advice," said Crane, grabbing the newspaper and perusing it. The front page read Joker's Wild! Grand Opening of Clown Casino Tonight! "Looks like there's going to be quite a crowd of celebrities," said Crane. "The crème de la crème of Gotham's social elite. Oh, look at that, Oswald Cobblepot's coming. And Bruce Wayne, my my. Sure you won't come?"
Tetch sighed. "If I can't talk you out of this madness, I will come. Just to make sure you don't do anything too foolish."
"I don't need you to look out for me," snapped Crane.
"My dear Jonathan, you're clearly lost in some Wonderland of your own making," retorted Tetch. "And God knows what sort of trouble you're going to get into without a guide who knows Wonderland. Which thankfully I do."
"What do you suppose Edward has got planned?" asked Crane.
"Something unnecessarily complex and ultimately futile," sighed Tetch. "In an obvious attempt to assert his intellectual superiority."
"Yes, he does become predictable after awhile," agreed Crane. "And the possibilities for riddles in a card-themed casino are literally endless."
"I'm sure he's spent many hours thinking them up," sighed Tetch. "I feel sorry for the poor man sometimes. I mean, say what you will about you and me, Jonathan, but at least we have hobbies apart from our criminal endeavors. Edward's is just riddle after riddle. He has no ambitions or passions or aspirations other than that."
"Well, he needs to stop seeing everyone on earth as inferior to him, for one thing," retorted Crane. "And hopefully tonight will prove that everyone on earth isn't inferior to him."
"Batman's proved it many times," retorted Tetch. "He just won't accept it. But then I suppose madness is trying to same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
"That's the general problem with most of us, anyway," agreed Crane.
"This plan for tonight is madness too," continued Tetch. "You know that, don't you?"
"Well, I am only a poor lunatic, Jervis," replied Crane, shrugging. "You can't expect me to recognize madness when I see it, or refrain from acting upon it when I do. In fact, if a man who calls himself the Mad Hatter believes my scheme to be mad, then it's very likely to actually be sane, now isn't it?"
Tetch glared at him. "Touche," he muttered, sipping his tea. "But whatever happens tonight, Jonathan, or your head be it. If you still have one by the end of the evening."
Everyone had seen Joker's Wild casino before the Joker had taken it over, and it was already a gaudy, opulent building with giant playing cards on the outside walls and dozens of flashing lights. Joker had bested this by adding even more lights, and a working roller coaster to the roof of the building. A tall column had stood outside the door, proclaiming the name of the casino, with a rotating Joker head mounted on top, whose mouth opened and closed as it laughed, in a flat imitation of the Joker's patented chuckle. But naturally the Joker was a man who liked to personalize all his things, even when those things were already built in his image. So he had added a full body to the Joker head, a body that waved a welcoming arm, like a giant, animatronic figure out of Disneyland, only more frightening. And the head didn't twist around anymore, and it didn't laugh – it sang:
Life's a game at Joker's Wild!
Come right in and stay awhile!
There's lots to see and lots to do!
Games and jokes and live shows too!
Whatever your age or race or style
He'll make sure you leave with a smile!
The King of Crazy, the Ace of Knaves!
The smiling clown you love to hate!
But all that's past – he's now gone straight!
Eat your heart out, Batmanate-or!
Joker's Wild!
"Good God, it's horrific," muttered Crane, as they approached the building.
"And it doesn't continue the rhyming couplet at the end of the song," sighed Tetch. "That's so tacky. Even when a verse's meaning in nonsense, the form still has to make sense, for goodness sake! It's like the man's never heard of Lewis Carroll!"
They entered the casino doors and were immediately assaulted by the noise and clamor of thousands of people, milling around in the even more gaudily decorated interior. "Though I suppose one can't argue with popularity," said Tetch as they forded their way through the crowd.
"So you turned up after all," said Edward Nygma, approaching them. "I half expected you to chicken out, Crane."
"I think you mean see reason," snapped Tetch.
"Well, what are you doing here, Jervis, if you're not competing?" asked Nygma.
"Looking out for my friend," retorted Tetch. "Shame you don't have anyone looking out for you, but then I suppose you don't really have any friends."
"Don't want or need them either," replied Nygma. "Other human beings are primarily a waste of time and space. Mostly space," he muttered, as he was knocked into by another group of people.
"Out of my way, Mr. Nygma!" snapped a familiar voice, shoving Nygma aside. "I have business with the clown! Where is that little…there!" Oswald Cobblepot said, shoving past Crane and heading for the stairs in the center of the casino. This was the crux of the building, where the crowds of people and reporters were most fierce, talking over one another and holding out microphones to the figure standing on the steps. But it wasn't the Joker. It was Harley Quinn.
Crane saw her, and staggered back as if he had been hit, straight into a mass of reporters. "I'm…terribly sorry," he stammered to the grumbling of the people he had run into, as his eyes fixed once again on Harley. She was dressed in a long, tight-fitting, shoulderless sparkling red gown that hugged her figure, with matching sparkling black gloves. A slit up one side revealed most of her leg, her blonde hair was done up in two pigtails, and she wore a headset.
"Miss Quinn!" snapped the Penguin, diverting her attention away from the reporters. "When will the Joker be down?"
"Mr. J has lots to do running this casino, and can't be expected to stick to a schedule," retorted Harley. "He'll be down when he's down. Until then, you talk to me, Oswald."
"He's been putting off meeting with me since he bought this place!" snapped Penguin. "I've told him time and time again, there's only room for one rogue gone legitimate businessman in this town!"
"It's called capitalism, Oswald – get over it!" snapped Harley. "Frankly some people are sick of your monopoly on rogue-themed entertainment in this town! Mr. J's always listened to the voice of the people, and given them what they want," she explained, turning back to the reporters. "He's a real humanitarian."
"I can see Harley hasn't grown a brain in the last few weeks," muttered Nygma.
"Don't you dare say a word against her," growled Crane.
Nygma smiled. "I'll raise the stakes, Jonathan," he said. "You beat me tonight, and I'll publicly announce that not only are you smarter than me, but Harley is too."
"Deal," agreed Crane, shaking Nygma's hand.
"Jonathan…" began Tetch.
"I'm not backing out now, Jervis – it's for a lady's honor," interrupted Crane. "You of all people should understand that."
"But this is a terrible, terrible idea," muttered Tetch.
"What's that, Mr. J?" said Harley suddenly, putting a hand to her headset. "Uh huh. Yeah. Ok, puddin'. Mr. J is gonna be down momentarily," she announced to the casino at large. "You can have all your questions answered then."
"Miss Quinn, can you tell us what brought about the Joker's change of heart from criminal mastermind to legitimate businessman?" asked a reporter.
"What's Mr. J's motivation for everything, Vicki?" asked Harley, shrugging. "It's a good joke. Plus he gets a kick outta how nuts it must be driving Batsy."
"But why does he…Bruce Wayne!" exclaimed Vicki Vale, who had just spotted the billionaire playboy and raced over to him. "What's your opinion on this casino?"
"I hated it when it first opened, and I hate it now," muttered Bruce. "Plus I doubt the citizens of Gotham are stupid enough to buy the Joker's reformation. I certainly don't. He's obviously plotting something else. He has to be. That's just what he does – there has to be some joke…"
"Mr. Wayne, you'll excuse me for saying this, but you look terrible," interrupted Vicki Vale, suddenly. "Have you been sleeping all right?"
"Yes, Vicki, I'm fine," snapped Bruce. "I've just been lying awake at night thinking about…uh…my new…car."
"Miss Quinn, last time this casino opened, it was revealed to be a plot to have the Joker destroy it and collect the insurance money," spoke up Jack Ryder. "Can you assure the people of Gotham that the Joker isn't just trying the same scheme?"
"I'll field that one, Harley," said a voice. Everyone looked up to see the Joker coming down the steps, dressed in a velvet purple robe and smoking a pipe, in an obvious imitation of Hugh Hefner. "That whole blowing up the casino to collect the insurance money has been done, Jack," he said, puffing on the pipe. "No fun in the same joke being repeated twice. Besides, I've sunk millions of dollars into this place."
"Millions of your own dollars?" asked Jack Ryder.
"No, I've had backers," agreed Joker. "Canny businessmen who think this place will be quite the draw, if you'll forgive the pun," he chuckled. "And obviously they're right. I mean, look at this crowd! Even celebrity billionaire Bruce Wayne is here! Hi, Brucie!" he said, waving his pipe at him. "Enjoying yourself?"
Bruce snarled something unintelligible at him, storming off. "Guess not," Joker said. "Wonder why he's in such a bad mood. Must be losing at the gaming tables. Harley, go spread the word around the guys that Bruce Wayne should be allowed to have a good night. He's gotta keep making his billions somehow!" he chuckled.
"Joker, if I may have a word…" began Penguin.
"Not now, Pengers – I got important people to deal with," retorted Joker, shoving him aside. "Why, if it isn't the Three Little Maids!" he giggled, seeing Crane, Tetch, and Nygma. "The topless dancers are on at ten, just in case you boys wanna see what you'll never touch. I hope they're good – Harley handled the entire audition process and and refused to let me see 'em."
"You don't need to see other naked women, Mr. J," retorted Harley, firmly. "You got me."
"Be that as it may, Harley, I would like to personally verify that I'm providing my customers with high quality adult entertainment," he retorted.
"Well, if any of them complain, I'll let you watch," said Harley. "But my male test groups were very positive."
"What? You had test groups and you didn't let the Three Little Maids here join in?" chuckled Joker. "That's cruel, Harl! But then maybe dames just ain't their thing. Nothing wrong with that, boys – Joker's Wild welcomes people of all types! It's in our song! Though I'm afraid we don't have adult entertainment to cater to your particular tastes…"
"We're not gay!" snapped Crane.
"No need to take that tone – there'd be nothing wrong if you were," said Joker, patting him on the back soothingly. "Keep telling yourself that, Johnny, and one day you might have the courage to come out. Now lemme show you reporters around…" he said, striding off.
"I really am sick to death of him," muttered Penguin, biting down hard on his cigarette holder.
"Join the club," retorted Crane.
"I'm also not about to let him steal my business away without a fight," continued Penguin. "He'll rue the day he crossed me!"
"Sounds like Oswald's also joined in the humiliating J contest," commented Nygma. "Last chance, Jervis."
Tetch shook his head. "I may be mad, but I'm not that mad."
"Hope you boys have fun tonight," said Harley, coming over to them. "Lemme know if I can get you anything."
"Harley, you look…absolutely stunning," stammered Crane.
She beamed at him. "Thanks, Johnny," she said, kissing his cheek. "You boys enjoy now!"
She wandered off as Crane stared after her, tongue tied. "I'm doing this for Harley," he said, firmly.
"Then may the best man win," said Nygma. "My plan is very simple – clean out the casino by winning at everything. Counting cards is child's play, and figuring out probability is merely a mathematical process. I'll bankrupt this place in no time."
"My dear Nygma, you were always one for unnecessary drama," sighed Penguin. "My scheme for revenge is so much simpler."
"And what's that, Oswald?" asked Crane.
Penguin held up a keycard, which he had swiped from Harley when she was standing next to them. "Hit him where it hurts," he muttered. "In his nest, so to speak."
"Neither of you are being particularly subtle, are you?" sighed Crane. "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised."
"Well, what's your plan, Jonathan?" demanded Penguin.
Crane tapped his nose. "All in good time, gentlemen," he murmured, as he wandered off with Tetch following him. "All in good time."