"You don't have a plan, do you, Jonathan?" asked Tetch when they were safely out of earshot.
"Edward stole mine," he muttered. "So I can't very well use it now!"
"Perhaps discretion is the better part of valor in this case…" began Tetch.
"I'm not leaving without accomplishing what I set out to do, Jervis!" snapped Crane.
"No. But perhaps discretion is the way to do it," snapped Tetch. "Discretion and charm. It's how I try to conduct most of my business, unless circumstances force me to act otherwise. Just follow my lead."
He headed over to where Harley was speaking to the attendant at one of the gaming tables, where Bruce Wayne sat, brooding over his hand of cards. "Harley, might I have a word?" asked Tetch politely.
"Sure thing, Jervis," she said. She clapped Bruce on the back as she passed. "Stop with all the brooding, huh, Brucie? You don't wanna turn out like Batman!"
"No, God forbid," he muttered.
"What can I do for you boys?" asked Harley. "You want a couple goes on the Smiling Slots?"
She gestured to a series of slot machines against one wall, which had a giant, animatronic Joker lying across the top of them and waving. "Erm…no," said Tetch, slowly. "Actually we'd just like a tour. Of the casino floor, the offices, anything you think might be of interest. Jonathan and I are particularly fascinated with the mechanics of the casino business. What kind of paperwork and insurance and red tape goes into a place like this."
"Oh…really?" said Harley, making a face. "I dunno, Jervis, that kinda stuff really bores me. And it bores Mr. J too – he hired an accountant to take care of all that stuff for him."
"Well, you don't have to indulge us if you don't want to," said Tetch, shrugging. "I suppose it might be easier for you to just let us into the office, and let us peruse the paperwork at our leisure. And that way you could continue to mingle with all these lovely guests, and we could be happy as oysters in an oyster bed. I certainly wouldn't want to inconvenience you in the slightest."
"Aw, you're sweet, Jervis," said Harley. "I'll just give ya the keycard to…"
She paused, feeling around in her purse. "Huh. Must have misplaced it," she said. "Never mind – I'll just let you in myself. C'mon up," she said, heading for the stairs.
Tetch smiled at Crane. "Now I just feel guilty for taking advantage of her," muttered Crane as they followed her up the stairs.
"Oh, nonsense, Jonathan," murmured Tetch, sarcastically. "Once you've stolen from the Joker and utterly humiliated him, she'll be down on her knees begging you to take her away from him, and thanking you for defending her honor to Edward. Do you see how ridiculous this all sounds now?"
Before Crane could respond, they had reached the outer room of the office, where a man sat engaged in piles of books and records. "Hey, Ernie, think you could let the boys and me into Mr. J's office?" she asked. "I think I left my key in the penthouse."
Ernie looked up, surprised. "Oh…Harley…I thought you had already gone in the back door. Your keycard was swiped a few minutes ago."
"What? Aw, criminey!" sighed Harley. "Ernie, get security for me, will ya? Some jerk's obviously stolen my keycard in the hope of ripping us off. I tell ya, I never expected dishonesty from this crowd," she sighed. "If you can't trust gambling addicts, reporters, and celebrities, who can you trust, huh, Johnny?"
Ernie pressed a button on his desk, and a second later, a few of the Joker's henchmen entered. "Boys, someone's trying to rip off Mr. J," said Harley, calmly. "Rip 'em a new one."
Ernie pressed another button and the door to the office swung wide, revealing the Penguin…held in a headlock by Batman. Harley snorted. "That ain't your usual bird companion, is it, Bats?"
"No," growled Batman. "I arrived here just in time to stop Cobblepot from breaking into the Joker's safe and stealing a fortune."
"What utter rubbish!" snapped Penguin. "This vindictive vigilante has no proof of this! I caught him going through the Joker's files looking for some evidence of foul play!"
"You both have no right to be in here," snapped Harley. "This is Mr. J's private property, and you're breaking and entering. Boys, remove 'em."
Batman glared at Harley as the henchmen approached him. "You don't wanna cause any trouble now, do ya, Bats?" she murmured. "You don't want all these reporters here tonight doing a story on how Batman's a criminal who's obsessed with his reformed nemesis, do ya?"
Batman growled, and allowed himself to be escorted out of the office with Penguin. "It's all yours, boys," said Harley, holding open the door.
Her headset buzzed. "Harley, when security is done with the Bat and the Bird, send 'em down to me, would you? I'm just ejecting a certain Riddler from the premises, and I need the boys to see that he stays out. He's cheating at cards, y'see."
"It's not cheating! It's a mathematical formula…ahhh!" they heard the Riddler cry, as he was literally kicked out of the casino.
"I'll be right down, Mr. J," said Harley. "I'll leave you boys to it. Enjoy!" she said, smiling and shutting the door.
Tetch and Crane shared a look. "They've got rid of the competition," murmured Tetch. "You don't even have to steal anything now – you can just waltz out of here a free man who's won the contest. They've lost it already by being caught. Nobody who is smarter than the Joker could ever be caught by him. And a smart man would walk away when his rivals have been bested. There's nothing to prove by stealing anything…"
"Yes, you're right," agreed Crane. "But we might as well have a look around."
He headed over to where Batman had left the open files detailing bank transactions. "This does all seem to be legit," he muttered. "Maybe J really has gone straight after all."
Tetch laughed. "Yes. He's just like the little crocodile who beckons little fishes in with gently smiling jaws."
"Meaning?" said Crane.
"Meaning appearances are incredibly deceptive," retorted Tetch. "I'm sure if Batman had been left to his own devices, he'd have proven the Joker is still up to his old tricks."
Crane lifted up the file and studied the calendar underneath. The current date had been circled many times with a red pen, and next to it was written the word Boom! with a smiley face.
"That's odd," he said, frowning. He headed over to the safe and began trying to fiddle the lock.
"Jonathan, I thought we decided you didn't need to steal…" began Tetch.
"I have no intention of stealing," he replied. "I'd just like to see what's inside the safe, that's all."
The lock clicked, and Crane opened it, to reveal what appeared to be about twenty pounds of C-4. "What on earth is he planning on doing with all this?" he muttered. "Legitimate businessmen don't tend to keep explosives in their safe."
"And paying customers don't tend to snoop around the manager's office," said a voice from behind them. They turned to see the Joker standing in the doorway, calmly smoking his pipe and flanked by two bodyguards. "I guess I can only conclude that you two ain't paying customers, but trespassers," he sighed. "And we have a strict no trespasser policy at Joker's Wild. Boys!" he said, snapping his fingers. "Show 'em how we deal with party crashers."
It all happened in an instant. The henchmen had seized them, and struck them both across the head into unconsciousness. The last thing Crane saw before he blacked out was the Joker's smiling face, grinning at a joke only he knew the punchline to. And that was never a good thing.