"Wakey, wakey!" came the Joker's annoying voice. Crane groaned and opened his eyes to see the Joker standing over to his left, talking to a man tied up on the floor. Or…not the floor, Crane realized suddenly, as he looked down and saw that he too was tied, and lying inside what appeared to be a giant roulette wheel.
"Getting déjà vu, Batsy?" chuckled the Joker, and Crane realized that the Joker was speaking to Batman, who was tied down next to him. He looked to his right to see Tetch was there too, and looking across the wheel, he saw Nygma and Penguin, all similarly tied and bound. "The last time we were both at this little casino, I had you tied to the Wheel of Fun like this. Only this time you got some friends to keep you company," he chuckled. "And you're all gonna die, of course."
"I thought you said it wouldn't be funny repeating the joke of blowing up the casino," growled Batman, nodding at the ring of explosives that surrounded the wheel.
"And it wouldn't have been, if I had actually blown up the casino in the first place," agreed Joker, nodding. "But I didn't blow up the casino in the end, did I? You stopped me. The joke was set up, but no punchline was forthcoming. Anti-climactic is what it was. So I'm just gonna give the joke the punchline it deserves. I get rid of the casino, the Batman, and a bunch of useless supercriminals all at the same time! Thanks for setting this up, by the way, nerds," he said, addressing the room at large now. "I know you superlamewads think you're all geniuses, but you're not. You're just nerds. Nerds that I outsmarted."
"You didn't outsmart us," growled Nygma.
"No?" chuckled Joker, puffing on his pipe and grinning. "You think trying to rob my casino was a genius idea? No matter how you all tried to do it, it wasn't. But this is," he said, nodding around. "The only thing the police are gonna find if they look into the accident is the bodies of you losers. So naturally they'll assume it was some revenge scheme against me that ended up going wrong and blowing up in your faces. Literally!" he giggled. "Which will only confirm that the explosion was an act of terrorism, leaving me to collect all the insurance money my backers sunk into it. That's enough to go on a little crime spree all over Gotham. So who's the genius one now, guys?"
Nobody responded. Joker grinned, smoking on his pipe some more. "See, the thing about intelligence is, it ain't how much you know, but how you use it!" he giggled. "The joke's on all of you now, isn't it? And all those useless people up there, of course," he said, nodding up to the foyer of the casino. "I'm afraid only a select few of us will be clear of the site when the explosion goes off. Gotta say, the people I'll feel the most bad about killing is the topless dancers. They're just innocent young girls trying to make their way through college. Oh well," he sighed, turning to go. "Circle of life, I guess. See you in hell, suckers!" he chuckled, climbing the stairs and leaving them alone.
"Well, this is perfect," muttered Crane, struggling against his bonds. "I'm not only going to die, I'm going to die surrounded by these people."
"If you had listened to these people, neither of us would be in this mess!" snapped Tetch.
"Everyone just relax," snapped Batman, trying to work against his ropes. "I'm going to get you all out of here. He hasn't even started the timer on the explosives yet…"
At that moment, they all heard a beeping noise, and looked up to see a huge clock, held in the hand of another giant, animatronic Joker figure holding the roulette wheel, whose free hand waved mockingly at them as the mouth open and closed in laughter. The clock was attached to wires, which were also attached to the cannisters of explosives, and suddenly began counting down from two minutes, as the wheel they were on began spinning. "You were saying?" demanded Nygma.
"Two minutes is plenty of time," snapped Batman. "I've gotten out of worse situations than this." He paused. "I can't think of any right now, but I have…"
"Less bragging, more breaking!" interrupted Penguin.
"Do it yourself if you think it's so easy," retorted Batman. "Hang on, I've almost reached my belt…"
He flipped open a compartment on his utility belt, and flicked out a small knife, which he used to cut the ropes which held him. Once he was free, he made his way around the spinning wheel untying the others.
"How are you planning on getting everyone out of the casino before it blows?" demanded Penguin. "There must be thousands of people up there!"
"And panicking them by telling them about the bomb is only going to lead to a stampede, and probably more innocent people being trampled to death," agreed Tetch.
"Don't tell me how to do my job!" snapped Batman. "Joker is right about one thing – you people think too much about everything!"
"There's no such thing as thinking too much," snapped Nygma.
"There is when you only have sixty seconds," retorted Batman, racing over to where the wires attached to the clock.
"It's the red wire you have to cut," said Crane.
"Really? You're an expert in bomb disarmament, Professor Crane?" demanded Batman.
"No, if you must know, I did it in a dream," retorted Crane. "But dreams are theorized to be a way of processing unconscious knowledge, so I must have unconsciously learned somewhere along the line that to disarm a bomb, you have to cut the red wire."
"Is this the same dream where you ended up with Harley?" asked Tetch.
"Yes, it is, if you must know," retorted Crane.
"Oh, because that's obviously realistic!" shouted Penguin. "And this is what we're gambling our lives on? Some repressed nutcase's wet dream?"
"Pot to the kettle, Oswald!" snapped Crane.
"For your information, I was never declared insane!" retorted Penguin. "And I'm not repressed!"
"Fine, don't trust me!" shouted Crane, throwing up his hands. "Use your limitless knowledge of bomb disposal, Batman! God knows you should have some, dealing with us for years!"
Batman's eyes flicked between the clock and the blade in his hand. Then with a roar of frustration, he sliced through the red wire. For a dreadful moment, everyone held their breath, expecting the worst. And then the clock stopped its countdown.
Everyone let out a sigh of relief, which was abruptly turned into an uproar as Batman suddenly punched Nygma in the face. "You're all going back to Arkham!" he roared, grabbing Tetch's arm as he tackled Crane. "Except for you, Cobblepot – you're just being arrested for breaking and entering!"
"Over my dead body!" shouted Penguin, racing toward the stairs. Batman grabbed the Batclaw from his utility belt and shot it toward him – the claw wrapped around Penguin's legs, knocking him to the ground.
"You still have to admit both Harley and me are smarter than you," snapped Crane, as Batman threw Nygma down next to him.
"Why? You didn't win," retorted Nygma.
"I was caught last – that's winning," he replied.
"That's losing last," corrected Tetch. "I told you there would be no winners in this situation. But nobody listens to me."
"And now that I've got you all comfortably restrained," muttered Batman, as he finished handcuffing them all. "I'm going to have a little talk with Joker."
…
The Joker was sitting naked in a large hot tub that was probably big enough for ten people, but which only contained, for the moment, himself with a cigar in one hand and a glass of champagne in the other. He was smiling, gazing out the window at his casino, which was close enough for him to see it, but far enough away so as to be safe from any flying debris.
"How much longer, puddin'?" asked Harley, entering the room at that moment and taking off her dress.
"Well, the timer was for two minutes," he said, puffing on his cigar. "And the explosives are slow burning – they're gonna set fire to the basement first before igniting, so add about fifteen minutes to that. Which should make the fireworks go off any second now," he chuckled.
"I love fireworks," giggled Harley, slipping into the hot tub next to him and kissing his nose. "They make me all tingly inside."
She grabbed a glass of champagne by the side of the hot tub. "You got Ernie and the boys out, huh?" she asked.
"Uh huh," he said, nodding, as he kept his eyes fixed on the casino. "The only people of any note left in there are Batsy and the nerds."
"What nerds?" asked Harley, puzzled.
"Johnny Crane, Jervis Tetch, Eddie Nygma, and Oswald Cobblepot," he retorted, taking a sip from his champagne glass.
Harley stared at him. "Puddin'…those are our friends! And you've left them in there to die?!"
"Relax, Harl – it's for the best," he chuckled. "Better to end their pathetic little lives now and put them outta their misery. They've got no chance of ever being happy…"
"Puddin', we have to stop the bomb!" she exclaimed. "I couldn't live with myself knowing that I helped bring about the death of our friends! It ain't right! I won't…"
He silenced her with a kiss. "Have I ever told you how pretty you look when you're worried about the death of people you care about?" he murmured. "It's real hot, pumpkin pie."
"Oh…yeah?" she stammered, torn between her desire to help her friends and her desire for Mr. J. "Well…uh…I guess I…I…oh, Mr. J!" she gasped, pulling him down into her embrace.
"Mmm, wait for the explosion, kid," he murmured, looking up at the window. "That'll really put me in the mood."
"Sorry to disappoint you," muttered a voice from the shadows. They both looked up to see Batman standing by the side of the hot tub, arms folded across his chest.
Rage and annoyance flashed across Joker's face. "How did you…" he began, but then he sighed, shaking his head. "When will I ever learn?" he muttered, draining his champagne glass. "Just shoot him in the head when I have the chance."
"How come you don't ever learn to knock, huh, Batsy?" demanded Harley, covering herself with her arms. "Don't it occur to you that people might be trying to enjoy private time?!"
"Get out. Now," Batman snapped.
Joker sighed. "Ok. I hope I don't intimidate you, but you asked for it, Batsy…" he began, about to stand up.
"Grab a towel first, obviously!" interrupted Batman, angrily. "And put some clothes on, for God's sake! I'm not letting you ride in the Batmobile like that!"
The Batmobile was rather crowded, with the Penguin in the passenger seat, and Nygma, Tetch, Crane, Harley, and Joker all squeezed into the back. Fortunately they were all fairly thin. It was anything but comfortable, however, except for Crane, who had Harley pressed against him. "Sorry to crush you, Johnny," said Harley, apologetically. "And I hope you don't mind me just wearing my bathrobe – Bats didn't give me and Mr. J much time to change."
"No, I…don't mind at all, Harley," murmured Crane. It wasn't his dream come true exactly, but it certainly wasn't a bad way to end the evening.