I arrived in New York City two weeks ago. I have been staying with Cathy and Julian in their apartment. The city enthralls me with its contagious energy. The lights that constantly surround me make me feel like a different person. Like a person who could be happy.
Cathy is trying to take me around to the different attractions every chance she gets. We've gone shopping a bit, too, and Cathy bought me so many pretty outfits that emphasize my developing womanly curves. I love how I look in these clothes but I can't help wondering if it's wrong of me to be pleased by my appearance, especially when I wear some of the lower cut tops and shorter dresses.
Julian doesn't seem to mind them. He tells me how gorgeous I look every day, his eyes lingering on me for a long, long time.
One day, Cathy has to leave the apartment for awhile to run some errands. Julian kisses her before she walks out the door, but she is very stiff, not really responding to him. Once she is gone, Julian stares at the door, his expression shadowed. He clenches his hands into trembling fists.
"Julian?" I say softly. "Are you okay?"
He releases the tension from his hands, turning to me. He smiles.
"Yes, Carrie. I feel great."
There's something wrong with his eyes; they're even darker than usual, burning with a dangerous emotion that I can't quite identify.
He sits down beside me on the couch and places his hand on my knee. "Thank you for caring so much about me."
"Of… of course," I squeak out. His hand is hot on my skin and I'm wearing a skirt and I might be imagining it but I think his hand is gradually sliding farther and farther up my leg.
And he's so close.
"Julian," I force out, "what's going on between you and Cathy?"
"I don't want to talk about Cathy right now."
Shakily, I ask, "What do you want to talk about?"
"I don't want to talk, Carrie." He draws nearer to me until there is hardly any space separating us. Fingertips grazing my thigh, he whispers, "I think it's about time you've had your first kiss."
And just like that, he presses his mouth to mine.
My heart explodes.
The kiss starts gentle and sweet, but then he pushes my lips apart. I feel his tongue against my teeth, and I let him in. The rest of the kiss is fast and heated.
I have no idea what I'm doing, but he guides me along just fine.
Unconsciously, I grip onto a fistful of his shirt, and he growls a little into my mouth. At first, I worry that I upset him somehow, but then I realize the animalistic noise was one of pleasure.
His hand is under my skirt now.
I gasp, pulling away from him. "Julian," I plead breathlessly. He needs to stop. All of these feelings are terrifying.
He chuckles against my lips. "It's okay, Tinkerbelle. I just want to show you how good life can be… I want you to feel like a woman."
The grandmother's voice suddenly echoes in my head, warning of eternal damnation that will surely result from what Julian is suggesting. Am I evil for wanting what Julian wants?
"I can't let you do that."
I say it automatically. I'm too afraid of so many things: I'm afraid of hell, I'm afraid of hurting Cathy, I'm afraid of Julian, I'm afraid of myself.
He smirks, his eyes sparkling devilishly. "We won't actually have sex, I promise. We're just going to have a little bit of harmless fun. And you don't need to be scared I'll lead you through all of it."
Even though he claimed there is no reason for me to be scared, I can't help the heavy pounding of my heart that seems to rattle my entire body. Can I really go through with whatever he has in mind? It isn't sex, he said. And if it isn't sex… it can't be so wicked, right?
A man actually wants me, I think blissfully. And it isn't just any man. It's Julian.
I nod hesitantly, then eagerly. "I'll do it."
Julian grins widely, then leaves another kiss on my lips. "That's my Carrie."
Both of his hands creep up my skirt this time to slip my underwear down my legs.