Ok. I'm sorry. I have a problem.
I can't stop writing this story. I know I have to write for the Gates, but every time I start writing something, it just feels wrong. Like it doesn't flow. And I can't stand it. So I accidentally wrote like five chapters of this story.
I will warn you, this chapter is emotions than actions. But the chapter after this will have plenty of goodness so just don't give up on this story because of my crappy portrayal of emotions. It shall get better!
Enjoy! And don't forget to leave your thoughts!
When I was seven years old, I would always imagine the man I was going to marry. He would have strong arms that would would always be able to hold me together. I don't know why I would wanted something like that as a child, but I did. He would also have the most soothing voice. It would sound like an angel when he spoke. It would be deep, yet still full of childlike innocence. And he would always be by my side. We would go penguin-sledding, and we would play in the snow, and we would smile together.
But most importantly, we would always love each other.
Somehow I could still remember my image of the perfect man. Despite the fact that I didn't believe in love, I still believed in him.
I told myself I didn't. But I couldn't hide my hope that one day this man would find me and we would run off into the snowy sunset.
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I stared icily across the table at our visitors. Everyone around me chewed their food in silence. But I didn't. I just stared.
Maybe if I stared hard enough, they would just vanish. Just POOF. And all my troubles would turn into a billowing cloud of smoke. Sadly I had a feeling that my hopes would not turn out the way I wished. They never did.
I was so focused on my hostile glances at the moment, that I did not notice my father talking about me.
"... and she is the best at making little Miki smile." he continued to his guests. He was smiling a proud grin, as if I wasn't the biggest troublemaker in the south pole. Suddenly I snapped out of my trance and finally processed my father's words.
"Dad! They don't care about that…" I stammered with a light blush spreading over my cheeks. I tried my best to keep my voice low, even though I really wanted to just scream across the dinner table. Usually I didn't really care what my father chose to talk about. Partly because I didn't care about the guests, and partly because I could tell that the guests could have cared less about his pointless anecdotes.
Unfortunately, his guests were actually listening this time, and they looked genuinely interested. Well actually, only one of them was listening. And unfortunately it was not the bitter old man.
"I care! I love stories!" The avatar said with a tone that made me want to punch him. When he turned back to my father to hear more, I squinted at him with a look that I hoped conveyed my unquestionable hatred.
"Well they have this cute thing about penguins-" I knew where this was headed. In the wrong direction.
"Father! Please…" I hissed through my teeth. My words were more of a warning than a request. And luckily he seemed to get the message this time. He looked at me and made a small frown, before he moved on to another topic. When he changed the conversation, the avatar's smile flickered for the briefest of moments. It was so fast that I wasn't sure if it had really happened.
When I searched his face for evidence of the frown, I only found him staring back at me with those intense gray eyes. Like he was trying to figure me out.
I quickly looked down at the food that still laid untouched in front of me. I didn't want him to figure me out. I just wanted to leave. I wanted to get away from these people. I wanted to get away from myself and all of the strange feelings that were battering around inside of me. For some reason, I felt like my father was betraying me. Like he was giving parts of me to these strangers.
My breath started to quicken and I started to feel like I was drowning.
Suddenly, I pushed myself to my feet. I probably should have just suffered through the rest of the night, but for some reason my body wouldn't let me.
I shot a desperate look at my father, before I just walked away. I didn't even ask to be excused.
I was really going to be in trouble for that.
As soon as I was in the hallway, beyond their sight, I took off in a run. The last thing I saw was a pained look in my father's face. Why? I don't really know.
It took no time before I was through my door and in the bathing room. I hunched over the water bowl and slowly raised my face to look in the mirror.
My face was tinted a deep red, a mixture of my effort in running and my embarrassment at leaving so suddenly. But that wasn't the problem. The problem was the girl that I saw in the mirror.
I saw a woman who wasn't me.
I saw a woman who was scared, and hurt, and angry, and most importantly weak.
I was not weak.
My hands flew up from the wash bowl and started violently pulling the clips and bows and ties from my hair. Those weren't me either.
Then I bended a hasty stream of water from the bowl and cleansed my face of the makeup that hid the true me. It was just wrong. All wrong.
I looked away from the mirror and started pulling the lavish fabric of my dress from my body. I didn't even care when I ripped a hole into the silky bodice. I just needed to be free. Free from this woman who was not me.
Finally I pulled the last article of clothing off and stood, looking in the mirror once again. I was down to my bindings. But I didn't look strong like I had hoped. Instead I looked frail and fragile. Without thinking, I bent down and chucked one of my shoes at the image of myself. The mirror cracked into millions of pieces.
Inside I was cracking just like the mirror.
Then I just fell to the cold ground. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I didn't even know why I was so upset. I just… was. I had no idea what the source was. Maybe all my emotions had been piling up and they just finally overwhelmed me.
My fingers pulled anxiously at my hair. The pulls slowly became more frantic with my panicking mood and soon my scalp was burning at the roots. But the pain didn't faze me. It just made me more aware of my disintegrating self.
I needed comfort. And I knew I wouldn't find it sitting on the floor in the bathing room. I needed to bend. That always helped me. And I knew exactly where I could find the crisp water I needed to distract me.
With my destination clear, I jumped up from the chilly ground and sprinted towards my window. Just as I opened it, a gust of frigid air blew in and I suddenly remembered that all I had on was my bindings.
I quickly moved back to my closet and picked out the closest piece of fabric, which happened to be a plain shirt and dark blue leggings. I easily slipped into the warmer attire and then moved back to the window that was still gaping open.
I climbed onto the window sill and then just jumped towards the ground, knowing that the flakes of white would cushion my fall. I landed with a grunt, and before I had both feet on the ground, I found myself moving towards my haven.
Halfway there, I started thinking about what my father would think. He would already be frustrated at my sudden departure, but there was no telling how he would react to this. It wasn't the first time I have run away, but this time seemed different.
Part of me felt bad. My father didn't deserve this. He deserved of good daughter. A daughter who wasn't broken. Like me.
I was broken.
No one could fix me.
And I didn't want to be fixed.
My feet skidded to a halt with a sudden movement. I had arrived.
I stood on the icy precipice that overlooked the ocean.
With little caution, I leaned my head over the cliff so I could see the soothing waves crash against the white walls of the glacier. Unlike everything else in the world, the ocean was always constant. It always pushed and pulled. For eternity.
The ocean was infinite.
And I could bend the infinite expanse with a twitch of my finger. I could bend infinity.
For a second, I stood on the edge of the world and just inhaled and exhaled the clean air. I let it soak through my body and rejuvenate it. I let the salt that wisped up from the ocean burn my raw throat. I welcomed the sting. It was a sign that I was still alive.
Suddenly I had the impulse to leap into the infinite ocean. To let the waves fold over me and keep me safe from the world that was not constant.
But I decided against it. The waters were rougher than usual today. They held an air of danger.
Just like the raging current of thoughts in my mind.
The ocean was a perfect reflection of me.
There was a storm brewing off in the distance, and I couldn't help but feel foreshadowing, as if there was also a storm forming in my future.
But when I moved my eyes to turn back to the rhythmic waves, I discovered that they were stuck on the stormy gray clouds on the horizon. They reminded me of something… something important.
And then his image flashed before me like a flash of lightning.
They reminded me or him.
His gray eyes that flickered with lightning much like the clouds in the distance.
Maybe he was the storm in the distance of my life.
Maybe he was the danger.
No… I am overthinking it. I am not in a good state of mind to be making these kind of assumptions.
Or am I?
I barely even know him, but still. He had done something to me. He had penetrated something deep down that had started a chain reaction within me. He had barely spoken a word to me, but somehow I felt like he had already hurt me.
Once again, I was reeling at the thoughts that had fabricated in my mind. I clenched my eyes shut in an attempt to stop the onslaught of images in my brain.
Stop thinking.
I was only looking for people to blame for my broken state. But I knew the only person to blame was myself.
My stomach started to lurch with a sick feeling. I needed to be calm. I was falling apart.
With slow deliberate movements, I started twisting my hands through the air. The water beneath my feet moved in response and slowly started to twist around me. The higher the water rose, the less fear I had. It was numbing my emotions. Freezing my sporadic thoughts. I kept moving the water around until my corruption was buried deep within me. Until I felt nothing. Until I was nothing.
This was how I wanted to be. Because when you are nothing, fear and hurt and pain can't affect you.
But deep beneath my feelings of numbness, I felt an emptiness. As if I had lost something. Something that was a part of me.
But I pushed the feeling away and instead focused on my new enlightened feeling. The feeling that had saved me from drowning.
And with this new feeling, I was finally ready to return home. I was finally ready to face the reality of my actions.
So I turned and just walked. It felt like hours, but I just kept going. As I walked, a surge of fatigue overwhelmed me. I hadn't noticed the repercussion of all my actions throughout the day until now.
It had been a long day. And I was exhausted.
Finally I arrived at my still open window. Maybe they hadn't noticed my absence… or maybe I was just too optimistic…
Either way, I didn't care. I just climbed through the window, back into the serenity of my room. I could feel my numbness leaching away with my every move.
I was just about to crawl into the sweet comfort of my bed, when my stomach growled its protest.
Regret followed the noise.
Sometimes my stubbornness really bit me in the butt.
Maybe I could just ignore it and sleep…
My stomach growled an angry response.
With bitter resentment against my hungry stomach, I silently grabbed a candle and lit it so I could make my way to the kitchen. Hopefully everyone was asleep anyways… I had been at the cliff for a long time…
But with my luck, they were all probably still sitting at the table, waiting to ambush me.
Even though my anxious thoughts opposed my food mission, I still decided that I could make it.
So I tiptoed to the door with all the stealth I could muster. Luckily I was a master of waterbending and sneaking around in search of food.
With my nimble fingers, I inched the door open and silently prayed that it would not alert anyone of my intentions. The door slid open with ease and my face pulled into a mischievous grin.
The odds were definitely in my favor.
After gaining about a foot of space, I squeezed my body through the crevice and made my descent towards the food that waited for me. The halls around me were pitch black and my candle light was weak compared to the overwhelming black. So I directed what little light I had towards the ground so I could be ready for any obstacles.
I easily dodged all of the creaky floorboards and the random bumps that crossed my path. But about halfway down the hall, I was met with an obstacle I could not avoid.
A set of feet.
Wearing a set of water tribe boots. Not a good sign.
As I raised my weak candlelight to examine the rest of this person, I let out a sigh of relief.
"Oh its just you!" I whispered to my brother in a playful tone. Unfortunately he was not sharing the same vibe as me.
His arms were crossed in an oddly serious way. Serious was not a common word used to describe Sokka. Looking back, that should have been a warning for my impending doom. His face was dressed in a disappointed frown. As if I were in trouble.
"Katara… What are you doing?" He whispered back. He was clutching his face in a scolding manner.
"Well I got a little hungry so-" I answered honestly.
"No, I meant what are you doing with your life?" Now I recognized his tone. It was the same tone he used when he was scolding his son. I found it insulting that my brother saw me as an equal to a child. Since when was he the mature one?
My smile dropped and was replaced by one of aggression.
"What do you mean? I am just- I mean- Who are you to ask me that?" I finally whispered in defense. I really wanted to yell it in his face, but I knew that there were still worse people that could catch me.
Now he just looked at me with a pitiful look.
"Dad told me about your little stunt at dinner." He said, completely avoiding my question. He hadn't been present for dinner, so I had hoped he would not have known.
Oh great. Another lecture.
"And I have also heard about all the trouble you have been getting in to around the tribe." He continued, still sounding more defeated than angry. I really didn't want to hear this. I just wanted some sea prunes… my eyes drifted around him to the waiting kitchen.
"Katara! Look at me! You are not a child anymore. We are adults. I have a son. I have responsibilities. And you have responsibilities, too."
I really wanted to just punch him in the face at that moment. Well, more than usual. He did not have the right to preach to me about responsibilities.
"One of these days you are going to get caught, and me and dad won't be there to bail you out." His face suddenly fell into a sad expression.
"I know that you are afraid. I was afraid, too. But there are better things than just stealing novelty toys."
All I could do was take a deep breath.
I closed my eyes trying to block out his words. He didn't know me. He didn't understand me. He wasn't me. I wasn't afraid. I was strong. And brave.
If he was going to fight dirty, than I would fight back.
"Why do you care so much about me? You don't even care enough about your own son!" I hissed back at him with a fiery rage in my eyes.
I could see the mixture of shock and pain hit his face and I instantly rued my statement. He was only trying to help and I had just lashed out at him. He just cared about me. Like everyone else.
But I didn't want his help.
I couldn't rely on him to always be there.
I had to rely on myself.
"Katara, I know you are hurt. I know you don't want to hear this-"
"You are wrong. You don't know anything about me!" I yelled back in frustration, forgetting that it was still around midnight and everyone was still angry at me. But I didn't care at this point.
"Can't you just see that I want to help you! We are all trying our best to help you. You are so much better than this! The Katara I used to know was better than this!" He snapped back at me.
"STOP! Just Stop!" I cried back in response. Hastily throwing my hands up to my ears to stop his words from entering my mind. But his hands were quicker. He grabbed my wrists and held them down. But his hold wasn't just keeping my hands off my ears. They were also anchoring me to that spot in the hallway.
Hindering my escape.
"Katara, please…" he pleaded with no hint of anger, just pure concern.
I quickly slipped my hands from his hold and then I just ran. Away from him. Away from his words. Away from his concern.
I slammed my door shut and quickly bended some nearby water into a barrier over the wall. I kept throwing stream after stream of water towards the door. I was just distracting myself. I reached up a shaking hand to my face and felt a damp tear.
I hadn't noticed until that moment, but I was crying.
Not sobs.
More like my eyes were watering. I was just angry. I was so angry.
Angry at my brother.
Angry at my dad.
Angry at my gran.
Angry at everyone.
They didn't know me.
I didn't even know me.
Whew. That was a whirlwind of emotions. Sorry if Katara was too... idk... hormonal. I just had to find a way to show her inner weaknesses. So yep. This was the creation.
Like I said above, the next few chapters are already written so I might update around Wednesday... Idk. And I promise: I will finish a chapter of the Gates. Maybe. ;)