DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN DRAGON BALL Z

|LIES & DESERT BANDITS

Cruising away from Aru Village in a motorboat, I sat beside Goku who was holding a rope tied around my waist while Bulma steered.

"A witch really cursed you?" Goku asked, staring at me closely. As if he could see the 'spell' if he looked hard enough.

Like I promised Bulma, once we left Aru Village, I explained my wish to them. It was all a big lie I'd concocted to gain their sympathy.

I was rich and arrogant and I hadn't cared about other people. One night, while I was throwing a party, an elderly woman came to my home looking for shelter from a storm. I denied her entry, not wanting her haggardly appearance to ruin my party.

That was when she revealed herself to be a beautiful witch. She cursed me to live the rest of my life in a body that matched who I was on the inside so everyone I met could know what I was.

A pig.

"She did," I said, leaning over the side of the boat to stare at my reflection in the water. "I begged her to change me back, but she didn't."

Bulma snorted. "Well, it sounds to me like you go what you deserved!"

"The witch was a cruel person who I was just unlucky enough to cross paths with. She would have cursed anyone that night. She didn't care that I was just a kid, or that I—"

Bulma's neck almost snapped as she twisted around to stare at me. "Wait, a kid?" she looked horrified. "H—how old are you?"

"Don't worry, you're not a pedophile or anything like that," I said, realizing where her mind had gone.

In my head, I tried to remember how old my new body would be when I made my wish.

"I was thirteen when the witch cursed me, and that was almost two years ago now."

"Oh, thank god!" Bulma exhaled audibly. "I didn't make out with a little kid."

Then she glared at me.

"Just a pig!"

"I'm not a pig!" I motioned at my body. "This is just a—a temporary look. Like one of my transformations!"

Bulma tapped her chin. "That shape-shifting trick of yours may come in handy on our quest," she said, and she gave me her sweetest smile. "And that's the only reason I brought you along. So you're gonna help me make my wish, right? Or do I have to have Goku kick your ass?"

"As long as you agree to give me that radar of yours so I can gather the Dragon Balls next year."

That was the deal we struck. I would give Bulma the six-star ball so she could make her wish, and in return, she would give me the Dragon Radar. Not that the deal mattered at all.

By the end of our quest, she would have a boyfriend in Yamcha and I would have a new, stronger body.

"With your six-star ball, I only have to find two more!" Bulma cheered as our boat cruised along the river that flowed out of the forest around Aru Village and into a vast desert. "I'm going to have all seven Dragon Balls way before I thought!"

"Do we know where the next Dragon Ball is?" I asked, trying my best to recall the order of events in the original Dragon Ball anime.

It had been years since I watched the show, but I was pretty sure we would find the next Dragon Ball at the Ox King's castle. I knew the place had a name but I was drawing a blank.

"According to the radar—" Bulma said, looking down at the Dragon Radar. "—the next Dragon Ball should be near...Fry Pan Mountain."

"Fry Pan Mountain!" I wanted to smack myself. I can't believe I forgot that was the name of the Ox King's home.

Bulma twisted around in her seat. "You've heard of it."

I nodded my head. "Fry Pan mountain is where the Ox King lives. People who live near the mountain call him the 'The Emperor of Demons' because he either scares away or eats anything that comes along."

"Oh, is that all?" Bulma said breezily. "That's no problem, Goku can handle him."

"I get to fight him?" Goku asked, eagerly.

Then two large rumbling noises filled the boat. Goku was bent over clutching his stomach.

"I'm so hungry!"

The second stomach grumbling was mine. It'd been a while since I'd last eaten. "Do you guys have food?" I asked.

"Eat this and shut up," Bulma said, handing me a piece of candy.

You wish, I thought, taking the candy. I looked down at the sweet treat knowing what it would do to me if I ate it. Bulma was watching me like a hawk, just waiting for me to eat it.

Well, she was going to be disappointed because there was no way in hell that I was going to eat the candy.

"Hey, where's mine?" Goku complained.

"Sorry," Bulma apologized. "None for you."

"None for me either," I said and tossed the candy into the river. Goku gasped at the waste of food and Bulma frowned. "Thanks, but I'm not a big fan of sweets."

Goku jumped up out of his seat. "What did you do that for?" he shouted at me. "I wanted to eat that!"

"Don't worry, I've got more food. Once we stop you can eat, okay?" Bulma said.

Goku didn't answer. In fact, he wasn't even listening. "Hey," he said. "How come the boat stopped talking."

"What do you mean it stopped—oh!" Bulma gasped. "The engine died! We're out of gas! Oolong can you turn into a can of gas?"

"An empty can, which won't help us," I answered. "And I told you, my name isn't Oolong. That's what the villagers started calling me. Call me Broly."

I mean, if I was going to wish for a new body, there was only one that made sense. Broly had the potential to be the strongest being in the universe, and I was going to need every bit of that strength.

Bulma groaned. "Well, we have to get to shore, Broly! " she said. "Turn into an oar."

"Yeah, right," I said, rolling my eyes.

When I transformed I still felt everything like I was in my regular body. Turning into an oar would mean getting my face smacked into the water over and over again. It'd be a cold day in HFIL before I let that happen.

"Goku, you like training right?" I asked. "Why don't you jump in the water and push the boat to shore? That will help you build up muscle."

Goku's eyes brightened at the mention of training. "Great idea, Oolong!" he said stripping out of his clothes before diving headfirst into the water.

"It's Broly!" I corrected. holding the side of the boat as it rocked and started moving again.

Bulma gasped as Goku kicked the water harder and harder. "We're going faster than we were with the motor!" she gasped.

Once we were back on dry land, Bulma started digging through her bag. She searched frantically. "My Hoi-Poi capsules! They're gone! I must have dropped them in the river!"

Fuck! My eyes widened. I'd completely forgotten about that!

Bulma wheeled around, grabbing me by my jacket. "A fish!" she shouted. "You've got to turn into a fish and find my capsules!"

"If I thought it would do any good, I would," I told her glumly. Then I pointed out the obvious. "The river goes on for miles. I could search for years and not find your capsules."

"But without the Hoi-Poi capsules, we don't have any transportation!" Bulma wailed.

"What's wrong with walking?" Goku asked while floating by on the Flying Nimbus.

Something that didn't escape Bulma's notice. "Easy for you to say, Mr. Flying Cloud!" she snapped.

"Why don't you make Oolong turn into a motorcycle?"

"Of course!" Bulma snapped her fingers. "Oolong—"

"It's Broly!"

"Fine!" Bulma glared at me. "Transform into something useful, Broly!"

I rolled my eyes at the bitchy attitude and clapped my hands together—

POOF!

—and turned into a motorcycle.

Fortunately, unlike the original Oolong, I didn't collapse under Bulma's weight when she sat on me.

Unfortunately, my transformations still only lasted five minutes. Five glorious minutes until—

POOF!

My transformation had reached its time limit and I changed back into my piggy body.

"Oh my god!" Bulma shrieked.

I was flat on my back, my legs bent so my knees were pointing to the sky. Bulma was sitting on me, facing my feet and she had her hands on my knees that seconds ago had been the handlebars of a motorcycle. Her knees were pressed against my ears and my face was pressed against the center of her thighs.

"Bulma, what's wrong?" Goku asked. He had his power pole out and was looking around, ready to defend his friend from any dangers.

He was a good kid, if not more than a little naive.

"You're disgusting!" Bulma shouted, jumping off my face. She glared as I stood up and brushed the dirt from my clothes. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"How is this my fault? You asked me to turn into something you could ride," I said, stressing the last word. "What part of me did you think you'd be sitting on?"

Bulma fumed silently as she realized if she didn't want to ride me, she was better off doing what Goku suggested in the first place.

So, we walked.

We hiked away from the river, all day until we finally reached the desert between us and Fry Pan Mountain. Goku even hiked with us, just to keep Bulma from complaining about his flying cloud.

Finally, Bulma had enough. "I'm hungry!" she wept, collapsing on the ground. "I'm hungry and tired and I need a nap, but I can't sleep without a bed!"

I pulled out the one capsule Oolong owned. Bulma noticed it immediately.

"You have a Hoi-Poi capsule and you didn't tell me?" She snatched it, threw it, and—BOOM!—the capsule became a house on wheels.

"It's for emergencies," I replied as she pulled open the door.

"Bulma Briefs being stranded in the desert without a bed or shower is an emergency!" she snapped.

"I know! That's why I gave it to you!" I shouted back before she could close the door.

Bulma obviously heard me because there was a moment's hesitation before she slammed the door shut.

Meanwhile, Goku was too hungry to rest. "I'm going to look for food," he said, then he asked, "Do you like pork?"

I stared at him. What the fuck kind of question was that? He had to be joking right?

"Do I look like I'd like pork?"

Before Goku could reply, we heard something rumbling in the distance. Yamcha and Puar were roaring toward us on a jet-powered sled.

"Greetings!" Yamcha said, bringing the vehicle to a stop.

"Who are you?" Goku asked.

"I'm the king hyena in a land of scavengers, kid. The name's Yamcha. And this," he pointed at Puar. "Is my partner, Puar. Now, if you want to live you should kindly hand over your valuables."

The flying cat recognized me immediately. "Oolong?"

"You know him?" Yamcha asked.

"He used to pick on me in shapeshifting school!" Puar cried. "He was such a bully!"

"Haven't changed much, have you?" Goku said, glancing at me.

I stared back at him. Was he being passive-aggressive right now? Did Goku even know how to do that?

"Well, it's not my place to judge," Yamcha said, sliding a huge sword from the scabbard on his hip. "Only to take everything you've got!"

Here we go, I thought as I got ready to transform and fight. I looked at Goku and saw him standing casually picking at his nose.

"Hey, you ready to fight?"

"Why should I fight him?" Goku asked

"Because he wants to steal everything we have, and the only thing we have worth stealing is that!" I pointed behind us at the camper Bulma was in. "You think Bulma is going to be happy we lost the only thing she can sleep and shower in?"

Yamcha flinched. "S-she? S-s-shower?" he stuttered, staring at the camper in uncertainty. "Is there a girl in there?"

Goku nodded. "Yes, our friend Bulma. She doesn't like the desert."

"Yamcha!" Puar smacked the bandit. "The girl isn't here now!"

"Right!" Yamcha shook his head. Then he sliced the air with his sword.

Goku jumped and somersaulted over the blade. He whipped his staff from his back and slammed it toward Yamcha's head. The wind whistled with the speed of Goku's attack, but Yamcha still managed to block the blow.

"Don't worry, Yamcha! I'll handle the girl!" Puar flew over our heads.

"G-girl!" Yamcha stuttered.

"Power Pole extended!" Goku shouted, taking advantage of Yamcha's weakness. The orange staff grew and smashed into Yamcha's stomach, forcing the bandit to his knees.

I took off toward the camper after Puar. "Don't worry, Goku! I'll protect Bulma!"

Puar transformed into a ladybug and flew through the keyhole of the door. By the time I got to the camper and pulled the door open, the flying cat was already upstairs in the bathroom.

I knew because I heard Bulma scream.

"Ahhh!"

I rushed up the stairs and crashed into Bulma who was running out of the bathroom. Because she was so much taller than me, she knocked us both over. I groaned as I landed on my ass and grunted as she landed on top of me.

"Broly, do something!" Bulma screeched. She had a towel wrapped around her waist, and her arms were crossed over her chest, protecting her modesty.

I would have made a joke about this being the second time she was on top of me, but a massive sabertooth tiger leaped out of the bathroom.

"Bulma where's your bag?" I asked, not bothered by the roaring tiger. I knew that like me, Puar didn't gain any strength from transforming.

"What?" Bulma gasped, rolling off me and crawling until she was behind me. "Who cares!"

"I do!" I snapped, feeling her hands touch my back. They were trying to push me forward!

I turned around and batted her hands away. Bulma smiled sheepishly and pointed downstairs. "On the driver's seat," she finally answered.

"Great, let's go!" I grabbed her hand and pulled her downstairs.

"Don't ignore me!" Puar roared, chasing after us.

Bulma screamed again as we ran.

I grabbed her bag off the driver's seat and flipped it upside down. The contents spilled out onto the seat's cushion.

"Here we go," I grinned and grabbed the pistol Bulma had used to threaten me and shoot Goku.

Puar stopped right in his tracks when he saw the gun. It was comical to see his tiger form's eyes bulge out in fear.

"Why won't we all calm down," I suggested, and shook the pistol lightly. "I'd hate to have to use this."

Bulma gasped. "What are you doing?" she demanded. "Shoot that thing!"

"It's fine," I told her. "See, Puar and I went to the same Shapeshifting school. So we both know that his transformations don't make him any stronger. Isn't that right, Puar?"

POOF!

The tiger vanished and Puar was back to his tiny floating cat self. He flew out the camper's door screaming.

"Yamcha! Oolong's got a gun!"

I ran out after him. Yamcha and Goku were still fighting and just like in the anime, Yamcha was winning.

"Wolf Fang Fist!"

Yamcha was moving so quickly that his hands and feet were a blur. He stuck again and again, too quickly for a hungry Goku to fight back.

With one final, two-fisted blow, Yamcha sent Goku flying into a pillar of rock.

"Goku!" Bulma gasped. She was standing behind me, in the doorway of the camper, and clutching the top of the towel now wrapped firmly around her body.

Yamcha froze. He turned his head toward the camper. His eyes grew wide and his face went beet red. "P-P-Puar!" he stammered. "Time for a tactical retreat!"

On trembling legs, Yamcha ran back to his jet-powered sled and started the engine. Puar jumped on his shoulder and they sped away.

"Goku!" Bulma went running to Goku who lay absolutely still in the stones.

Goku stood, brushing the dirt from his body. Despite losing the fight, it was hard to tell that he had even been in one at all.

"Now can we eat?"

I shook my head at his single-minded focus. Watching it on tv was one thing, but Yamcha would have really killed us, and knowing that I could have died because Goku was hungry didn't sit well with me.

But right now I couldn't do anything about that. I wasn't anywhere near strong enough to collect the Dragon Balls myself, so my only choice was to rely on Goku.

At least for now.

Second chapter is up!

Thanks for reading!