A/N: Was supposed to post this yesterday but then my best friend/beta wasn't done going through the draft and she had work, and I was caught up with How I Met Your Mother (more like How I Met Your Stepmother) series finale related grief. But you have this now, so, that's good, right?
Outright, I will tell you this is my first dabble at writing smut so your constructive comments and reviews are very much welcome. For a two-shot and an M rating (since M rated fics do not appear on the general search. It was only under the T rating for 2 days), I'm flattered with the follows and favorites this story got. Thank you everyone! I'll go back and work on Find Your Way Back after this. If you have any story suggestion or you have questions or you just want to plain say hi, I'm on Tumblr - herbrightoceaneyes. =)
To new beginnings,
in fear and faith
and all it tinges.
To love is a dare,
when hope and despair,
are gates upon it hinges.
(A Toast! - Lang Leav)
Lunch went by fast. Amar re-heated what looked like packed food from the Bureau. We all ate quietly, tired from the bumpy drive. Christina went with Amar and George eager to see her family. Tobias and I decided to take a nap in his old room after the three of them left but when I sweep a hand around the bed, I find it empty.
"Hey," Tobias greets me from where he is sitting on the floor surrounded by a pile of papers and folders and boxes.
"How long…" My voice comes out as a croak. I clear my throat and rub the sleep away from my eyes. The light filtering through the room's square window does not carry the usual warmth characteristic of the morning and noon. "How long have I been out?"
"Two hours," Tobias chuckles.
"It was just supposed to be a nap," I grunt but Tobias just laughs more. I love seeing him like this, light and happy, it somehow infects me. I sit up. "You should have woken me up."
"I can't. You looked drained out of energy." Then grinning, he adds, "Your mouth was open and you were actually drooling."
My hands fly out to the side of my mouth to check. It is dry. I glare at him but it only makes his laughter increase in intensity, the sound deep coming from his belly. I grab one of his pillows then throw it his way. Tobias just catches it.
"You used to have better aim," he says before throwing the pillow back to the bed. I snort in response to his jab.
"What's that?" I point at the mess surrounding him.
"Marcus' files," he answers sighing, "Just trying to skim through them, see if there's any information we could use." He starts putting some of the folders inside a box. "This is the last of it. I've already put the others in the truck."
"Found anything?" Tobias nods then arranges the other folders neatly into a second box. He covers it once he's finished.
I run a hand through my hair trying to straighten it as much as I can. Tobias stands up and sits beside me on the bed. He tucks loose strands of my hair behind my ears before leaning down to kiss my cheek.
"Are you okay now?" His hand rubs up and down one of my arms soothingly. " We could stay longer if you're still not ready to go," he tells me.
"No, I'm fine. Let's go. I think you have a lot to do," I smile up at him. Tobias reaches out for my hands.
"I actually want to show you something else before we leave Abnegation." His voice sounds unsure again like it was this morning.
"Alright."
"Wait for me in the truck. I'll be right behind you," he instructs. I nod in assent. We stand up at the same time. I start for the door while Tobias stacks the two boxes one on top of the other.
"Are you sure you don't need my help?" I call after him once I'm at the bottom of the stairs.
"I'm good Tris. Go to the truck," he responds, so I go but instead of waiting inside the vehicle as he instructed, I stay outside, my eyes scanning the old Abnegation neighborhood. There are a few other people walking around, former members of the selfless faction from the looks of them. They haven't let go of their gray clothing yet, at least not completely. I see a couple of people who had mixed gray with other colors. They all give me polite smiles as they pass by.
"You could have gone inside the truck, you know," Tobias speaks from behind me. I open the door to the backseat so he could load the two boxes with our bags, Caleb's urn and the other two that's already there.
"I could," I tell him, "but I wanted to wait here."
Tobias doesn't say anything, just chuckles below his breath like I've said something that amused him. He opens the passenger door gesturing for me to go inside, and this time I do. "Where are we going?" I ask once he has started the engine.
"Your family's place," he glances at me as if he's asking for permission. I respond with a slight nod, not sure if this is what I want. I'm half in and half out. Tobias turns his attention towards the road again. I look out the window. We haven't talked about my parents or Caleb much, and he hasn't pushed me to. If we ever did talk about them, it was only to settle tangible details like my brother's cremation or the tablet containing my mother's files, never about how I feel. I know I could confide in him about these things but I want to deal with it, sort things out on my own first.
Trying to diffuse the uneasiness, I claw at the first thought that comes to mind. "You've got something you wanted to tell me, you said this morning," I remind him.
Tobias taps his fingers on the steering wheel. "Later, Tris. I promise." He turns a corner and even from this distance I could already see my parents' house. It's a couple of houses away.
"I have something to tell you, too, later," I tell him and he nods. It only seems like less than three minutes when Tobias stops the truck in front of my old home's front lawn. He gets out of the vehicle so I do the same.
"I've told you about the leaders dividing the most important work among groups and departments, right? Well, the Housing Department will be taking over all the unoccupied houses in the city," he tells me as we walk towards the house. "They'll fix it then let other people have them. People from both the Fringe and the Bureau are moving here so it is expected that the city population will go up." Tobias opens the door for me and we both go in.
The place looks as it had always looked - gray walls, square windows, minimal furniture – uniform like every single house in Abnegation. I trace my way upstairs to my parents' room hoping to find some piece of them there but I felt let down when I see that the room has been cleaned and arranged.
"You're upset," Tobias says from the doorway, his voice concerned. I didn't even hear him follow me. I let my fingers trail a path along the surface of my parents' dresser before opening the top drawer. Their clothes are still there neatly folded. I take out the first piece my hand touches: a scarf, my father's, knitted by my mother. Eyes closed, I raise the fabric to my nose. The faint smell of detergent makes me ache for them more.
I feel a hand on my shoulder, comforting and warm. Tobias. I lean back against his chest and let him hold my unoccupied hand. "I'm sorry," his voice is muffled by my hair, "I should have asked you first but I thought I'd..." I turn around to face him and cut the rest of his sentence with a finger over his lips.
"You don't have anything to apologize for," I tell him.
"But you're disappointed. I only wanted to fix this place for you." He looks guilty with his head tilted down and his eyes focused on his shoes.
I force him to look at me, framing his face with both of my hands. "You only meant well," I smile a small smile to reassure him. He shouldn't feel guilty; he has no reason to. "It's just me. I was still hoping I could see something of them left here in this place. It's foolish." I chew on the inside of my cheek trying to get a grip of my emotions. I miss them so much, my parents, as well as my brother even if I still haven't completely forgiven him. I miss them, long for them, still look everywhere for them months after they've left me. My right hand clutches the scarf so tight I have to bring it down to my side so Tobias won't notice its trembling. "They're gone," I choke out," and there's none of them left, not even here. They're gone." Unbidden, tears start making their way from my eyes down to my cheeks then to my lips. They taste of salt and sorrow and despair.
"Hey," Tobias pulls me toward his body, arms encircling my waist. "You're wrong, Tris," he presses his forehead unto mine. "There's something left of them," fingers swipe tears away from my face. "You're here and you're just as much a part of them as they are a part of you. There will always be something of them. They're in you." He angles my face up to his. Tobias' eyes are the same fathomless blue I've always known; they look both thoughtful and serious now. He meant what he told me. "Remember that, Tris. Remember," he tells me just before pressing his lips to mine, moving towards my jaw then lingering on my temple.
I am not sure if I believe it but for the moment I allow myself to be comforted by Tobias' words. I wrap my arms around him crushing the space between us. We stay like that for a few minutes just holding onto each other like we're one another's safety.
"You said you fixed this place. Was someone using it?" I ask when I finally regained enough strength to pull away from him.
"No," he shakes his head gently. Tobias takes my father's scarf from my hand then loosely wraps it around my neck. It's almost Spring but some days it still gets cold. Today is one of those days. "It was left untouched. There wasn't any fixing to do, just a lot of cleaning."
I close the drawer I've opened and, with a hand on my back, let Tobias lead me out of the room and into another one. I realize it's my old room.
"I found some interesting files on your father's work computer when I checked it." I turn around to look at him. I'm not sure what my expression was but it made him spill out an explanation. "I hacked into the system to gather facts. I'm sorry if I've trespassed into privacy lines," he rubs the back of his neck.
"You did what you had to do. I understand," I look around the familiar room. "What did you find?" I lean on the wall next to the window, Tobias sits on my old bed.
"From your father?" A rhetorical question which he answers immediately. "Nothing that we didn't already know about. Your mother though," he looks up at me, "your mother tried multiple times to contact the Bureau. She deleted her logs but I was able to bring it back up. It goes way back even before the attack, months before it."
"Alright," I say. I don't know what to make of my mother hiding all those secrets from us. Sometimes I think I understand her, other times I feel like I don't know her at all. I look out the window concentrating on the looming figure of the Hub and its blinking red light.
"Tris," Tobias brings back my attention to him, "there's something else."
"What?"
"She left some sort of file but I can't figure a way around it. It's heavily encrypted." Tobias' brows are furrowed. He continues, "There's a clue for the password though. I think she only intended it for you."
Or Caleb...or Dad, I think to myself. "Okay," I say for lack of a more appropriate response.
"Would you want to see it? You know, try to open it?"
"No," I stare out the window again watching the sky turn pink. Do I want to know what's in it? Of course I do, but the question is, am I ready to find out now? I take a deep breath before turning to look Tobias' way again. "No, not right now," I shake my head, "but you can transfer it to the tablet, right? The one from the Bureau?"
"I think so. If not, I'll find a work around," Tobias shrugs. "I'll get on it." He stands up and starts toward the door.
"Wait," I stop him grabbing his arm when he passes by me. "You haven't told me what you wanted to tell me," I remind him. "Or is it this? Is it just about my parents' house? Because I feel like there's something more," I continue eyeing the bag at the foot of my bed. It's the bag I bought with Christina a week into Dauntless initiation. It wasn't the same one I brought with me to the Bureau. That one's still inside the truck.
"Perceptive as always," Tobias lets out a shaky laugh.
"And you said you fixed this place for me," I egg him on, one eyebrow raised. "What is up?"
"Still so demanding," he shakes his head slightly, an amused smile on his lips. "Can I transfer the files first?"
"The computer won't run away, Tobias," I smirk. "You can tell me anything, you know."
Tobias takes a deep breath before leaning onto the wall across from me. "Fine," he exhales the word out, "I thought maybe you'd want to have a place for yourself, and a familiar one… a place where you'll feel safe."
"And where does that put you?" I take a step towards him.
"I don't know, Tris," he looks down and shrugs, the movement is barely noticeable but I notice it still, "around, I guess."
"Why? Don't you want to stay with me?" Another step closer, we're just three feet away from each other now.
Tobias' head whips up, a disbelieving look in his eyes. "Of course I want to. You should know that already, Tris."
Maybe I asked the wrong question. "Do you want me to stay with you?"
"Isn't that the same thing?"
"Just answer it, Tobias," I demand.
He looks at me then, eyes earnest as he answers, "Yes."
"Then why'd you think I'd want a place of my own where I'll only be alone?" I push further before taking another step towards him. I'm close enough that I can reach for his hand. I slip my fingers in between his, "And you said you wanted me to feel safe. Did you ever think I'll ever feel that way in a place where you're not at?" I smile hoping it will make him comfortable enough to tell me what exactly is running through his mind.
"I just don't want to assume," he nervously tells me putting a hand over one of my shoulders.
"You don't want to assume or you just don't know how to ask because, Tobias, those are two different things." I playfully poke his side which makes him laugh a bit. "And, seriously, you should know better."
"Fine," he pulls away just enough so he could look at me again with wistful eyes, "I found a place. It is by the river, far from here or from the Dauntless sector. It still needs a lot of work but once it's finished I hope we'd move in…" He pauses probably thinking of his next words and it makes me smile because if our positions were reversed, it'd be the same for me. "I hope we'd move in, together. If that's also what you want."
We don't say anything for a while. I look down at my shoes hiding the smile plastered on my face. When I lift my head up again, I see Tobias biting his lower lip, one of his nervous mannerisms.
"Yes," I get out practically grinning.
"Yes, what?" He clarifies, quirking one eyebrow up and titling his head towards mine.
"Yes, I want that, too." I push myself up on my toes and press my lips against his. He leans down, cups my face in his hands and kisses me back.
"It will be a new start," he smiles at me, hand smoothing my hair away from my face. "You and me, okay? I know everything's new but we'll figure it out."
"We will," I press a hand over his chest, promising him no matter how indirect. "We will."
And, like always, he reads the meaning behind my words, understanding them.
Tobias gathers me to him and I wrap my arms around his waist pulling myself closer as if there's still space separating me from him, there's none. We're wound so tightly together I could feel the rise and fall of his chest, hear the beating of his heart inside it strong, certain and alive under my cheeks. He cradles my head with one of his hands and traces the length of my spine with the fingertips of the other. Even through the fabric of my shirt, his touch still makes me shiver with want and longing but it also triggers the same nervous panic that never fails to show itself every time we're together like this. It reminds me of all my insecurities, of all the things that I'm not.
"Tris," Tobias sighs out my name before pressing his lips to my forehead, one hand pressing warmly on the small of my back.
I don't want to be afraid of this. I shouldn't be afraid of him. It's Tobias, the one person left who truly knows me. I've fought him, lied to him, hurt him a hundred times over and still he's here with me, still chose to stay. He still loves me.
I kiss the base of his throat and taste his skin on my lips, salty with sweat from hauling boxes earlier. Tobias is steady and strong from where I rest my head at the juncture connecting his neck to his shoulder. I know the rest of him is the same, I've seen it time and again. I snuggle closer breathing him in. He smells like springtime air, lush with green things budding and ready to grow.
And I'm ready to start anew with him in this relative calm. I want to tear down the rest of the wall between us and let him in completely.
I cup his cheek to make him look down at me. I want him to see my face, my eyes; want him to know that I mean every word I say. "I'm in love with you Tobias," I tell him echoing his words from almost a lifetime ago, words spoken quietly through the loud thrumming of a train and the chaos of a city divided. It was the only light in that moment, everything else was darkness and hollow pain.
My fingers slip through his belt loops as I push myself up so I could fit my lips against his. He leans down and tilts my head up with a hand behind my neck. It's a light kiss, just lips touching and pressing against each other but it makes me more certain, makes me braver. I feel Tobias' mouth curve into a smile against my cheek. "I know that Tris. Of course, I know," he whispers even if he doesn't need to. For once, there's nothing and no one in between us. It's only the two of us here.
"I know you know," I kiss the faded scar on his chin wondering for a second how he got it, "but I want you to hear it... I want you to hear it from me." I sigh, the warmth of my own breath wafting across his skin.
Tobias reaches out, laces one of my hands with his and places it on his chest on the spot where his heart thuds the strongest. "I love you," he says with a shy smile. "I never thought I could ever have this with anyone. Sometimes, I still can't believe it."
He noses at my cheek, our foreheads touching. I want this. I want him. "Better believe it," I tell him before slipping a hand under the hem of his shirt over the Amity symbol inked permanently on his back. Tobias quivers at my touch like a bow being strung and it makes me smile knowing I have this effect on him. It spurs me on as my other hand caresses the back of his neck gently turning his face towards mine. His grip on my hips tightens before he slots his lips firmly against my own and kisses me, at first tentative, gauging my reaction, then steadily turning more heated and hungry making my heart careen faster.
I'm not sure if Tobias was pulling me or if I was the one pushing him back, all that I'm aware of is him sitting at the edge of the bed one hand on my waist, the other tugging the scarf around my neck loose, our lips never parting not even for a second. My lungs burn for air but I don't want to give up this connection with him. Almost all of my nervous panic has turned into something akin to an electric energy that must be fed, must be used up.
I grip Tobias' shoulders with both of my hands and plant one knee deep into the mattress to steady myself. I could feel him already growing hard against my leg. He lowers his mouth down to the line of my jaw then behind my ear before worrying the side of my neck. I can't help it, I breathe out his name and somehow, like he's been under simulation, he seems to wake up.
"Tris," he gets out all air, "are you sure about this?" His eyes mix adoration and worry and something else I've only seen once before. I recognize it as lust. He wants me just as I want him, had probably always had even with all my insecurities about the way I look, how small and childlike I am.
I kiss him gently on his lips, smiling slightly. "Yes."
"I want to do this right and we don't have any..." I cut him off pressing my mouth against his again.
"It's okay, I got it," I tell him my hand twisting through his hair which has gone long. It softens the deep blue of his eyes making him look less stern; it makes him look his age and not some boy who was forced to mature faster than his peers.
"How?" he asks mimicking my actions, getting my hair out of my face.
Without meaning to, heat rushes to my face in embarrassment though I know there's nothing wrong with what I'd done. Christina even told me it was the right thing to do given the circumstances.
"I consulted with another doctor at the Bureau's hospital and she gave me a birth control shot," I explain without looking at him.
I sneak a glance at Tobias. A slight flush colors both his cheeks and I understand why. We are still both raised Abnegation and we know that if we had stayed within their gray walls, we wouldn't be allowed to do this not unless we're married. But Abnegation doesn't exist anymore. The factions are gone and we're still here, breathing and pulsing with life.
"Tobias," I call him to me sliding my arms across his shoulders so I could hold him closer.
"Is this what you wanted to tell me?" He asks quietly against my hair. I nod and he pulls away, fingers sliding down to the back of my head. "Someday, Tris, someday we wouldn't need it," he says it like a promise and I believe him.
Tobias shifts both of our bodies, gently laying me down to the bed. He hovers above me, arms framing the sides of my head. The reddish-orange glow of the setting sun illuminates the patch of light blue on his eyes. I can no longer count how many times I wanted to disappear into that calm, sleepy color; how I wanted it to swallow me whole and take me away from this dreaded place. This time it's different. I want - crave - to be one with him, to be someone better, and maybe, just maybe, it's the same for him.
This feels right; he feels right. He is love and lust, joy and pain and happiness and rage, and he's mine just as I am his. He is family. He is my home.
I hook one finger behind his ear and pull him to me. "I love you," I whisper to him before pressing a kiss to his lips. Tobias deepens it, opening me up for himself.
"Always," he swears, the word vibrating through the fleshy part of my mouth molded against his own.
I tug at the hem of his shirt wordlessly asking him to remove it. Tobias raises himself up, pulling the fabric over his head with one hand. I scoot towards the head of the bed, sitting up against the wall behind it. He follows me but something hard of his hit one of my calves. I laugh when I see what it is.
"Shoes, Tobias." I say pointing at both of our covered feet.
"Oh," he laughs, too, when he sees it, his chest rumbling with the sound. I could feel it against my hand. "Right. Shoes." He moves down removing mine first before his. "Remind me about that next time," he murmurs against the skin of my right ankle kissing it again, humor dancing around his eyes.
"Yes," I promise him, "next time." The mood is light and it's better for it. We've only done this once and that's not enough to teach you about this, of the act's whats and hows; neither does it make the nerves go away. It makes me feel more comfortable knowing that I and Tobias could both laugh our awkwardness away.
Tobias is still chuckling when he starts planting kisses on my stomach, slowly pushing my shirt up. He stops just when half of it is bunched up below my bra looking up at me face serious. "Anytime you want to stop tell me and I will, alright?" He's reminding me that I'm still in control even when what were about to do will make both of us vulnerable, bare. He's giving me my way out but I don't want it and I'm sure.
I cup his cheek with one hand while the other reaches for my shirt. It's all the signal he needed to continue. He removes my top then my bra. Tobias places gentle kisses on each of the ravens tattooed along my collarbone before bringing his lips back up to mine. His hands trail a line of fire along my sides, brushing the underside of my breasts. I close my eyes and let my own hands rest on his shoulders lightly kneading his tensed muscles.
We undress each other slowly taking our time to kiss and touch newly exposed parts until the only pieces of clothing left on us are our underwear. He folds his long legs under himself, sitting a few inches away from my feet. He looks me over and for a while I want to grab the blanket my head is laying on and cover myself afraid he'd changed his mind about me.
Voice small, I ask, "What?"
Tobias shakes his head, smiling and blushing at the same time. "You're beautiful," he breathes out never taking his eyes off me and it feels worshipful, reverent, like I'm the only thing in this room worth looking at and it's enough to squash any remaining panic inside me. He takes one of my hands into his twisting our fingers together before raising it up to his lips. "You're beautiful," he repeats breath humid against my knuckles, "and mine." There's a hint of possessiveness but I like it, there is truth to it after all.
"Yes," I reaffirm and his lips quirk into a smirk. He looks smug. "And you," I pull him towards me using our entwined hands as leverage, "you are mine" I think it's alright to be a little selfish.
He covers my body with his and, with a knee, parts my legs open. Tobias kisses me hungrily and I return his intensity. We're sharing the same air; what one breathes out, the other breathes in. And I can feel him everywhere - his fingers between the mattress and my back, his chest against mine, the unfamiliar place between his legs hard against me. It makes want pool heavy at the pit of my stomach settling down between my thighs.
Tobias cups one of my breasts toying at its taut peek with his fingers and I'm surprised by the suddenness of the contact it made me sigh out his name, the sound magnified by the room's quiet making it seem louder than it really is. My cheeks burn and I cover my face with my free hand. "Don't," Tobias pries it away then kisses both my cheeks, "I like it. Tells me I'm doing something right." He grins a boyish grin.
A breathless chuckle escapes me. "You're doing everything right," I confess.
Encouraged, he replaces his fingers and hand with the warmth of his mouth. I arch towards him when he scrapes his teeth across my nipple. He does the same thing to my other breast nipping and grazing with lips and tongue making me whimper. Tobias' shoulders shake a bit with controlled laughter under my hands. Still conscious, I playfully hit his side but it only makes him smother the already sensitive skin there, and I forget how to keep quiet or why I even need to in the first place.
He slowly slides one hand down my side settling it on my hip, fingers skirting the elastic band of my underwear. Tobias looks at me asking silent questions with his dark eyes. He told me before about the beauty he sees in the factions – five different virtues all important and necessary – and how he wanted to embody all those traits. "I don't want to be just one thing," he said that night I saw the symbols inked on his back for the first time. He said he still continues to struggle with kindness. But in the fading light of the day he looks that – kind – and thoughtful, had always been even when he was mad at me. It's something, I realize, that only I get to see, this softer, warmer side of him. It's silly but somehow it makes me feel important.
I give him a slight nod telling him to go on and he hooks a finger over the material sliding it down a bit. I know what's going to happen next and it's enough to make my earlier nervousness creep back into my system. I rub one hand up and down Tobias' left arm but even doing that doesn't stop it from trembling. It doesn't go unnoticed.
"Tris," Tobias calls me to him. He pulls away from me supporting his body with an elbow; the space is enough to make me feel cold.
"I'm okay," I tell him sliding an arm across his shoulders to coax him down to me. "I'm okay." But his eyes still look worried and it makes the nerves pulse stronger threatening to take over whatever good thing we've started. I will myself to fight it.
I raise myself up from the bed and, without warning, crush my mouth to his. It surprises Tobias but a few seconds later he responds, kissing me back hard. Everything else fades to the background, there's only me and him, and that's all that matters.
His lips travel down from my mouth to my throat to my chest while one of his hands slide down to my side to my stomach then finally to my hip. Needing to hold on to something, I reach for his hand. He clasps them together over my head, his rough with calluses in contrast with my small, soft one. For months after I've first met him, his hands had guided and steadied me, showed me just how strong I am. It was something I needed to learn and Tobias had always been there with me throughout.
Our breaths come in short, sharp bursts like there isn't enough air for both of us and maybe that's true. Tobias continues where he left off. I lift my back a bit to allow him to pull my underwear down and off of me. My hand skims over the waistband of his boxers trying to tug it down. He brings his face back up to me and kisses the side of my mouth, free hand rubbing gentle circles on my thigh. I could feel his heart thundering inside his rib cage. It matches the pulse ringing loudly through my ears with rushing blood.
"Are you sure?" He asks, his nose sliding up and down the side of my own nose.
I caress his cheeks to make him look at me. Sliding my fingers through his hair, I utter a breathy "Yes".
He attaches his mouth to the skin behind my ear, nipping and lingering there as his hand slip upwards from my inner thigh. I gasp when his fingers glide between my folds, half embarrassed and half conscious of how slick my bare flesh had been. But Tobias doesn't say anything about it, just peppers my face with kisses that are as gentle as his touch, and I finally let myself give in. I want him. I want him so much it makes me need him.
Still, it's Tobias who voices out my thoughts. "Tris," he pants out, fingers moving inside me in a slow caress that makes me burn even more, "I want you."
I bring his lips back against mine and kiss him in answer while my hands fumble to push down his boxers. He helps me out, sliding the small piece of cloth down his legs. He kicks them off and I chuckle at his eagerness. I grab hold of one of his arms and tug him towards me, my legs cradling his weight. I apply my lips on every part of him I can reach: his forehead, both his cheeks, his nose, then lingering on his soft, plush lips moving down to his neck my nose tracing the pulsing vein on his throat.
Tobias slicks his length with my wetness and positions himself at my entrance. He slides in slowly, not wanting to hurt me. He probably still remembers the last time, but there's still pain even though it is dull and slight. Not wanting him to second-guess himself, I lean my face against the side of his keeping my lips busy by nipping on the skin of his shoulders while my other hand trace the flame pattern on his side. He tastes of sweat and of us, salty and sweet on my tongue.
Tobias stills on top of me once he's completely inside, letting go of a shuddering breath that warms the column of my neck. "Tris," he pushes himself up with one arm before taking my hand with the other. "I love you," he whispers to me, voice raspy and breath heavy. His hips twitch against mine and I know he's controlling himself for me.
"I love you, too," I tell him. We're so close I could see the light blue and green specks swimming around his eyes, the bare smattering of freckles across his nose and cheeks, the sharp corners of his jaws. He's so handsome and I pale in comparison. Though he told me many times that he likes the way I look, that I'm beautiful, I still don't get what he sees in me.
But right now, it doesn't matter.
I revel in the way he looks at me, at the softness of his lips on my skin and the gentle movement of his hands that spells out love better than words could ever do, and I want this connection with him, crave it - need it. I grind my hips against him and nibble on his ear urging him to move. We're both unsure at first, like the last time just two bodies colliding, but eventually we find a steady rhythm moving against one another like a wave cresting and falling. It's hard to tell where a beginning ends, and where an end begins.
Tobias' movements become quicker, more erratic. He repeats my name like a prayer, over and over, and it feels like a reassurance, that this feels good to him, too; that he isn't disappointed with what I have to give him. This is so much better than our first time. That time was good at best, not fulfilling but good. This, however, feels different. It feels like a homecoming, the two of us finding our way back into each other, and maybe there's still a chance we won't make it through together but I know he wouldn't give up easily - Tobias will fight for me and us just as hard as I would.
He hits something inside me and I can't stop the moans from escaping my throat, my mouth. I wasn't aware of it before but I'm close and if the way he twitches inside me is any clue, I know Tobias is, too. He shifts slightly to place our linked hands above my head before kissing me with such fervent passion I thought it would singe me. He slinks his free hand between our bodies not minding our sweat-slicked skin and teases me, bringing me right to the edge and I whimper against his mouth. He swallows the sound, following me to my climax, hips rutting against mine harshly; low, guttural sounds clawing out from his throat. My nails dig into the skin at the small of his back when I come marking him as mine, and finally, he lets himself let go, shuddering above me, moaning my name.
Tobias catches himself with an arm out to the side of our joined bodies; it's all he could do to not completely throw all his weight on me. I nuzzle at his neck enjoying the warmth and feel of his skin against mine. He trails soft, small kisses along my collarbone still breathing hard. It takes a few more minutes before we've both come down from our high and he rolls off of me. Tobias retrieves the blanket from the floor and covers both our bodies with it.
"We could get used to this," I tell him, smiling as I draw lazy circles along his side.
He chuckles a bit, brushes a few errant strands of my hair away from my face before answering, "I don't think so," he draws me to him by my waist. "Not so much, at least."
I don't understand what he means, and, honestly, my mind's still under a euphoric spell to even try so I just ask him a different question. I kiss his chin, "Tell me more about our new home." He does, and I let his voice lull me to sleep. In the moment before dreamland fully takes over the haze in my mind, I feel Tobias' lips against my cheek, hear him say "I love you Beatrice" and it's a promise I'll forever hold on to.