Chapter 8
Buffy couldn't help herself. She started giggling. Faith elbowed Buffy and whispered, "I guess that answers that rhetorical question." This only made Buffy laugh louder.
The answer to the age old question looked up from his paper when he heard the laughing. The Ursanoid looked over the top of his paper at the two diminutive human females. "For the love of Paddington…can't a guy poop in peace?" he groused.
Buffy looked at the situation from his perspective and was slightly embarrassed for the furry alien. Turning around and pulling on Faith's arm to do the same, Buffy said, "Sorry, we'll give you some privacy."
The Ursanoid nearly fell over in shock. He hurriedly pulled up his trousers. "You…you…can talk," the Ursanoid stammered. Buffy and Faith turned around to look at the confused alien once again. "I mean, you can talk with out one of those dangling translator box thingies your kind wears," he corrected himself. The Ursanoid folded up his paper and laid it down on the log next to him. "Anyway…it was awfully civilized of you to let me put my pants back on before shooting me," the Ursanoid said.
"Huh?" Faith asked.
"Yeah, what she said," Buffy added.
The Ursanoid looked back and forth between the human women. "Isn't that what you humans do when you find a rebel Ursanoid," he said challengingly.
Faith shook her head in disgust. "One of the worst things that I've learned traveling with the Doc is that even after we get to the stars, humans can still be a bunch of assholes," she told Buffy. Faith made eye contact with the Ursanoid. "We don't want to fight and we promise not to hurt you as long as you don't give us a reason to," she told him.
The Ursanoid cocked his head to the side. "Really?" he asked. When the slayers both nodded their heads, the alien looked even more confused. His head shot up and he sniffed the air. The Ursanoid looked at the women and bared his fangs. "More of you coming," he growled. "Are you two the bait to lure me into a trap?" he asked.
Buffy held up her hands palm out to try and ease the situation. "Like Faith said, we don't want to hurt you and I can guarantee our friends won't either," she promised.
The Ursanoid let his massive shoulders relax a little when he saw the rest of this strange group crest the hill. There was another human female and two…something else. He took a deeper sniff of the air and came to the conclusion that the two human looking males were nothing of the sort.
"What do we have here?" the fifth Doctor asked. He and the tenth Doctor both put on their brainy specs. The two Doctors walked up to the huge alien as if they hadn't a fear in the world. The Ursanoid blinked in surprise at how calm everyone but the latest human female smelled.
The tenth Doctor stepped back from his examination of the Ursanoid. "Hello, I'm the Doctor," he told the alien.
"So am I," the fifth Doctor chimed in, ending his examination and stepping so he could be side by side with his older self.
The tenth Doctor noticed the look of total bafflement on the Ursanoids face. "Long story," he muttered.
"I must have eaten some bad berries because this is getting really weird," the Ursanoid muttered to himself.
"Hey Doc," Faith said, getting her boyfriend's attention. "The big guy was under the impression that because we were human, we were going to shoot him for being a rebel Ursanoid," she explained.
The fifth Doctor took off his straw hat and began fanning himself with it. "Some things never seem to change, do they?" he asked the tenth Doctor.
"Afraid not," the tenth Doctor replied. He glanced down at the dirt and shrubs between the Ursanoid and the Slayers. "From the looks of things, you made no attempt to fight with Faith or B," the tenth Doctor pointed out. "That leads me to believe that you are a peaceful person. Since you are peaceful by nature, I will just assume the humans have been acting true to form and cocked up another planet," he said.
"Sorry Buffy," the fifth Doctor apologized. "It looks like we are going to have to fix things on this planet before we can leave," he said.
Buffy sighed. "I know, it's what champions are supposed to do," she said.
"Thank you, B," the tenth Doctor said, flashing his manic smile at her. He knew using Faith's nickname for her still bugged her. The tenth Doctor smiled at the Ursanoid and gestured at his younger self. "I…I mean we…come to think about it, it still is 'I' but that gets a little complicated, want to help sort out whatever problem the humans have created here," he rambled.
The Ursanoid pinched the sides of his muzzle with one massive paw. "You're making my head hurt," he said. "Tell you what, how about you come with me and talk with the elders and we can let them figure you guys out?" the Ursanoid offered.
"We would be delighted to," the fifth Doctor said. The large Ursanoid turned and started walking down another trail. He beckoned with his arm for the others to follow. Buffy immediately went after him. Faith put her hand in the tenth Doctor's hand and the two of them followed the Buffy. The fifth Doctor motioned for Nyssa to follow them and he followed Nyssa. The tenth Doctor smiled as he heard his younger self whistling the tune to "Teddy Bears' Picnic" from the rear of the party.
The Ursanoid led the Doctors and their Companions into the foothills of an impressive mountain range. Smoke billowed out of the occasional crevice indicating that the mountains they were headed for were actually semi-active volcanoes. The party reached a small valley with steep sides. A crude wooden door was set into the right hand slope. The Ursanoid opened the door and continued down a tunnel that led straight into the mountain. While the large alien had to stoop to avoid hitting his head on the ceiling, the others walked along with ample clearance.
Faith wasn't prepared for what she saw when the tunnel opened up into a large cavern. What she had been expecting was a dingy cave like the kind bears from Earth hibernated in. This cavern was nothing of the sort. The walls had been polished and reflected the light of the torches that were spaced evenly about the room. Huge tables and chairs made to scale for the Ursanoids filled up most of the floor. About half of the seats were occupied by curios Ursanoids. A long wooden counter polished to a warm, golden brown color dominated the far wall. A solitary Ursanoid stood behind the bar, wiping it off with a rag. "We're in a fucking pub," Faith exclaimed.
Their Ursanoid guide looked at her funny. "Of course it's a pub, where else would the elders be hanging out?" he asked her.
"Doc, you're the one who handles negotiations around here, you talk with them. I'm going to order up whatever passes for beer in these parts," Faith told her boyfriend.
The tenth Doctor let go of her hand and smiled at her. He knew Faith wanted a beer, but more importantly, she wanted an excuse to walk through the pub and size up any potential dangers. The tenth Doctor loved the fact that Faith was able to multitask so well.
When Buffy heard Faith tell the tenth Doctor that she was off to grab a beer, Buffy gave an involuntary shudder. "Beer bad," she said automatically. Buffy saw the fifth Doctor open his mouth to ask a question. "I had a really bad experience with beer my freshman year of college," she answered his unasked question.
The Ursanoid they had met in the forest walked up to a table where five other hulking, bear like aliens sat. All of them were looking at the newcomers with surprise. When their guide finished telling the elders about how they met, the Ursanoids at the table chuckled at how his daily constitutional had been interrupted. A black furred Ursanoid stood up from the table and walked towards the newcomers. "Welcome to the Under-mountain Pub," the Ursanoid said. "My name is Dan and I wanted to thank you for not killing my son James," the leader of the elders said.
The Doctors bowed to Dan in unison. "Pleasure to meet you, I'm the Doctor," they both said. The tenth Doctor gave his younger self a dirty look. "Will you knock that off?" he asked.
"Sorry," the fifth Doctor replied cheekily. The fifth Doctor turned towards the rest of their group. "The blond woman is Buffy and the brunette wearing the blue dress is Nyssa. The young woman ordering up what I assume to be fermented beverages is called Faith," he said, making introductions.
Dan nodded and pointed at the Ursanoid sitting at the elder table in turn. "The guy with the spot of white fur on his chest is my brother Steve. His wife Beth is sitting next to him," he said. Beth was only slightly smaller than her husband, Steve. She was covered in light brown fur. Steve had black fur like his brother. "Next to Beth is my wife Mary and next to her is her cousin, Trevor," Dan said, finishing his introductions of the elders. Mary was a deep chocolate color and Trevor's fur was the color of fresh honey.
"Hold up a minute," Buffy said. She looked at the tenth Doctor. "Do you honestly expect me to believe that an alien species half way across the galaxy have names like 'Dan, Trevor, and Steve'?" Buffy asked.
"Hey, your name's Buffy and you don't hear us complaining," Trevor said.
The tenth and fifth Doctor chuckled. "Of course that's not what they're names actually sound like," the fifth Doctor said. "The Ursanoid language is made up of growls and snarls. The language is so different from yours that the TARDIS is translating their names into English names based upon how frequently that name is used," he explained.
"We can process more information than you can, so we hear both the original language and the TARDIS translation," the tenth Doctor said. "It really is a fascinating language, all though I'm having a bit of a hard time making sense of the verb tenses," he said.
While Dan was taking the whole conversation in, he breathed deep and analyzed the smells coming off the aliens. The human woman getting a beer and the one with the yellow hair had no fear scent on them at all, unlike the one wearing the blue clothes. From the excited smell coming off the two males, one would think they were cubs let loose in a candy store. Dan could smell that the ones calling themselves 'the Doctor' were definitely not human. He took another deep breath through his nose and realized that for the most part, the scent given off by the Doctors was identical. Even twin cubs had a bigger difference in scents than these two shared.
Dan motioned for Trevor to pull up another table next to theirs, indicating that he trusted these newcomers, even if three of them were human. Trevor nodded in agreement, and pulled the table next to them over so that it touched the one he was at.
Dan looked at the bartender who was having a lively discussion with the petite human ordering drinks. "Whatever they want, Bill," Dan said. "They are our guests and we'll cover their expenses with the general fund," he told the bartender. "Besides, it's not like these little fellows could eat very much anyway," Dan laughed.
Halfway through the dinner made up of bread, cheese, and a vegetable stew, Dan was forced to reconsider his comment about them not eating much. The human known as Nyssa ate what he expected a human might, but Buffy and Faith put away food like a full grown Ursanoid. The Doctors tried to keep up, but their appetites were no match for Buffy and Faith's.
The tenth Doctor belched loudly, drawing chuckles from everyone at the table. "Excuse me," he said. The tenth Doctor folded up his crude napkin and placed it next to his stew bowl. "That was excellent, thank you," he said. The tenth Doctor leaned forward, placing his elbows on the table and resting his chin on his hands. "When Faith and B first met your son James, he thought they were going to shoot him for being a rebel. Why is that?" he asked.
Dan pushed his empty bowl away. "James made an honest error," he said. "Up until now, the only humans we see outside of the city are bounty hunters looking to collect on our pelts," Dan explained.
"That's horrible," Nyssa said.
"That's what we think as well," Dan agreed.
The tenth Doctor probed some more. "Can you tell me what the humans mean by calling you rebels?" he asked. "I'm assuming that there is another faction of Ursanoids working with the humans," the tenth Doctor added. He heard low growls coming from the Ursanoids at the mention of the other faction.
"Those butchering heathen," Trevor spat. Dan placed a calming paw on the younger Ursanoid's shoulder. Trevor looked at his cousin's husband and sighed. "Sorry, Dan, but you know how I feel about the breaking of the holy laws," he apologized.
"It's OK, Trevor. I feel the same way," Dan reassured his friend. Dan looked at the tenth Doctor and said, "Our holy laws state that all life is sacred. If you must take another life, you should do it with your own claws, without the aid of any tools."
"Our laws do allow for the killing of other creatures for food," Trevor added. "However, the law is very firm. If you kill it, you have to eat it. That way the death is not in vain," he said. "That was never a problem for the clans until the humans came along and tried to force 'civilization' on us," Trevor said with disgust.
Buffy shook her head sadly. "I see where this going," she said. "Let me guess, the humans hunted for sport and used guns to do it," Buffy said.
"Yep, you got it," Dan said. "Most of us felt that what they were doing was an abomination, but after we killed off a few humans, we decided to let your kind be," he said.
"What made you stop killing the humans?" Faith asked.
The collected Ursanoids cringed at the awful memory. "We eat what we kill, and well…you guys taste like shit," Trevor admitted.
"I had to use a whole gallon of redberry sauce to choke down the last one," Steve said, grimacing.
Nyssa's complexion turned a bit green at the thought of humans being cooked. The fifth Doctor ignored her squeamishness. "I think that is a wonderful way of living, very responsible" he said. "I take it not all of the Ursanoids follow your laws like you do," the fifth Doctor said.
Trevor snorted. "Many of the younger Ursanoids liked how easy it was to bring down a kill with a weapon. It was a slippery slope from there to killing for sport like the humans," he said. "The humans said that the Ursanoids that were working with them were the legitimate government of the planet and any of us who opposed them were rebels," Trevor explained. "The humans even went and built a huge city on top of the area where the clans used to meet once a year for trade and festival," he said.
The fifth Doctor and pulled out the tracer and was looking at it under the table. He pointed in the direction the blue end was facing. "Let me guess, the city is that way," the fifth Doctor said.
Dan closed his eyes and thought about how the room was oriented. When he opened his eyes, he nodded his large muzzle. "Yeah, that's exactly where the city is," Dan said, confirming the fifth Doctor's hunch.
"At least we know where we are headed next," the tenth Doctor chimed in. He saw Nyssa yawn and realized that they had been walking for most of the day. "We'll head out right after we have a rest," the tenth Doctor said.
"Sounds like a good plan," Dan said, yawning himself. The difference between his yawn and Nyssa's was that his showed a tremendous amount of razor sharp teeth. "We have sleeping rooms further down the tunnel that you folks are welcome to," Dan said.
Mary put her paw on top of her husband's. "Don't forget about the hot springs," she said reminded him. Mary looked at the smaller aliens. "Ursanoids travel for days to come to Under-mountain to soak in our hot springs," she added. "Take the first tunnel to your left past the sleeping quarters and you will find the hot springs. There are a couple of large pools and several smaller, secluded pools if any of you are mated couple and want some privacy," Mary said.
The tenth Doctor sat straight up as Faith placed a hand on the inside of his thigh. "That sounds quite lovely, thank you," he said quickly. His younger self grinned at him with amusement a just a bit of envy.