"What is going on? Where is she? What happened? Is she ok?"
Questions. Three people with questioning looks and fear in their faces are standing in front of you. The rest of the team, Prentiss, Morgan and Reid, just arrived. You told them nothing specific on the phone. You wanted to tell them all in person. You brace yourself.
"JJ took an overdose of her prescribed medication to commit suicide."
You want to control the impact on the team.
"She locked the bathroom door and took the entire bottle of her pain medication, which she obviously has hidden."
To be there if they needed something, answers, guidance, somebody to lean on.
"She was already unconscious when the paramedics arrived. She stopped breathing and had to be intubated."
You focused the whole time something on the nearby wall, while you spoke. But now you take a deep breath and look into the round.
"The doctors are working on her right now, she is critical and we are going to be updated soon. That's all we know. I'm sorry."
You see disbelief, consternation and fear. They are speechless. Prentiss' mouth open up to say something, but she closes it again. Reid looks to the ground and his hands disappear in his pockets. Finally Morgan breaks the silences.
"She is gonna be OK? Right?" You sense how unease Morgan is. He cannot do anything, but he wants so desperately to help, to do something, change something. It tears him mentally apart.
Just as you. Helpless.
"I don't know, Morgan. We have to wait."
You say and feel how unease you are about what is going to be.
"Did they say something how long this will take?" Prentiss shifts from one foot on the other.
"No, they will update us as soon as there will be some news."
You face Prentiss and give her a knowing nod, as she sits down on one of the plastic chairs, with a very unsatisfied look on her face.
Garcia and Morgan are already exchanging each other. Rossi took the place next to Prentiss. But you prefer to stay. You can't sit right now. You have to ease the tension in your body. You begin to walk back and forth the room.
##
After what feel like an eternity you hear the steps of the doctor approaching. You turn to see who it is. It is one of the ER doctors, that took care of JJ, when she was brought in.
"Family of Agent Jareau?" He asks. He is tall and has short brown hair, he is in his mid forties and holds a chart in his hands.
The whole team is standing up and gathering around you.
"Yes." You make a step forward to the doctor. You cannot see any sign that could tell you what is going on. He has a poker face.
The doctors raises his eyebrows. "You all are family?"
"Yes, we are FBI and she is one of ours." You show your badge to suffocate any contradiction right away.
"Alright then. My name is Dr. Sutherland and I am one of the doctors that worked on Agent Jareau."
He focuses you as he begins to tell you the eagerly awaited update.
"The pills hit her cardiovascular system, her BP and her heart rate are very low. That is very dangerous for her kidneys, she has already signs of a beginning kidney failure. She also cannot breath on her own, because of the massive side effects of the overdose. We gave her an antidote to stop the pills to reabsorb. But most of the damage is already done. We have to monitor her closely, she is on the ventilator and we except her liver to start failing. The amount of treatment medication is hopefully slowing down the process of failing. "
You are totally aware of what the doctor just said. You are not a complete amateur regarding medical issues. And you feel that fear again, that initial fear you felt after seeing JJ lying on the bathroom floor. Your chest tightens. You have to swallow. But your gaze is still on his face, as you recognize he is proceeding.
"She is now being brought to the ICU. Please be aware that only two persons can visit her at the same time. More people would be too much, because there are other patients too. Are there any questions?"
He looks into the round of your team and his gaze lasts on you again.
'No... and yes, of course a lot of questions' you think, but you can tell you just want to see JJ right now. So you take the advantage of the moment and answer for the whole team.
"No thank you, we just want to see her now."
"Of course, I will guide you to the ICU waiting room. As soon as the nurses are finished with her work to place Agent Jareau in her room, they will inform you."
You nod and take a quick look into the faces of each member of your team. You gather all information you need, they are following you.
##
Garcia is gently pushing the glass door open, the curtains are blocking the view from the outside. You slowly follow her inside. The first impressions you can hear, the steady beeping of the heart monitor, the hissing sound of the ventilator. You close the door and turn around to finally see the bed. There, she is lying, sleeping, somehow.
You notice Garcia freezes at where she stands. You move around her and make your way to the other side of the bed. JJ is pale and her face is sunken in. You look up to Garcia, she is still just standing there, tears in her eyes, her hands fidget with her purse. Her lips are pressed together. You starting to watch JJ again, how she is engulfed with the tubes and wires, that are connected to her body. The breathing tube is fixed at her mouth.
You take a chair and take a seat next to the bed. You take JJ's hand and gently stroke it. You sense your emotions coming up. Until now you were able to manage your stoic stance to the world. No... since you enter the room, you were stunned, just like Garcia, who is still standing there, fumbling for a tissue. You can feel the fear coming up again, welling inside your chest. You swallow. Deep unease is growing inside you. Guilt. There is also guilt, it never stopped since the ambulance. You are angry at yourself. So many emotions, all in one moment, you take a deep breath. You look from JJ's face down to your hands, that embrace JJ's. You sigh as you manage your emotions not to take control over you. You have to swallow again the lump in your throat. Finally Garcia makes a step forward to the side of the bed. She bends down to get closer to JJ. She gently begins to stroke JJ's cheek.
"Hey honey." She smiles and sniffs. "I'm here... I'm here now."
She kisses JJ's forehead and gently strokes the hair out of JJ's face. You watch as Garcia takes also a chair and sits down close by JJ. She leans over to stroke JJ's forehead. You can see the pearls on the face of your team member lying there in the ICU bed. Fighting for her life. She looks awful. You can feel your grip tense and release it quickly from JJ's hands. You withdraw your hands in your lap and look down to them. Angry. You are so angry at yourself, at the situation that developed in front of you, the lack of control you have about it.
Helpless. You are damn helpless, you cannot do anything about the fact JJ is in a coma right now. And you weren't able to prevent it. You feel how you are tensing up again, you become agitated. You have to get out of this room right now. You can't stand it anymore. You want to break something, hit something. You stand up, take a last look on JJ's face and stroke gently over her arm. Your gaze lasts brief on Garcia, your eyes meet. You nod quickly and make your way to the door.
On the hallway you let out a sigh. You bow your head and look at your hands, you knead your fingers. You have to get rid of the pressure that is almost screaming inside you. Air, you need fresh air. You pass the team waiting in the ICU visitor room, slightly making eye contact with them. Rushing through the corridors, to reach the next exit. Finally you push a door open, relieved. You let out a big sigh. Your eyes dart around. You put your hands in your pockets, balled into fists, trying to manage all the emotions that are chasing around inside you.