The billow of steam is engulfing you. The hot water is drumming on your shoulders. You lean with your hands against the wall and enjoy your shower. Head bowed, the drops of the water run over your nose and drip off. Guardianship. You haven't thought about that earlier. Is that really necessary? That is the main question, that drives you crazy since yesterday. You had a talk with one of the psychiatrists of the hospital. Because of the fact JJ tried to take her life, there has to be an evaluation, even before she will wake up. You talked about the case. Oh, Hotchner. It is no case! It is the most horrible thing one of your team member has been through. You could tell the psychiatrist was shocked of the details. Everyone was. That doesn't make it easier to deal with. The therapist told you with all of these circumstances it is most likely that JJ will not regret her suicide attempt and that she will still be a danger to herself.
'Guardianship. Lets see what this day brings to you.'
You get out of the shower and towel yourself. You watch yourself in the mirror.
'What ever it takes.'
That is what you said the other day. What ever it takes to make it up to her. Even if it means to hurt her in the short run. There will be a lot of hurt in the short run. You know that, you witnessed it countless times. It is a pattern. There are huddles to take to get back to the big picture. That is how life works. At least this is how you do it.
The phone is vibrating on the dresser. You tie the towel around your hip, while your walking to your bedroom to pick up the phone. You frown as you see the caller ID.
"Hotchner."
"Sir? Can you please come quick to the hospital?" Garcia is nervous.
"What is it, Garcia?"
"JJ is waking up."
"I'm on my way."
##
Garcia is sitting nearby JJ, she turns her head as you enter the room.
"Hey."
"Hello Sir, thank you for being so quick."
You see JJ's eyes are still closed. Rossi is standing by the window.
"Hey Dave."
"Hey Hotch."
"So what happened?"
"We can tell she was almost awake, we spoke to her, but her eyes didn't open. The doctor said it could only take some hours until she is full awake."
Garcia informs you. She tenderly strokes JJ cheek while she is talking to her. You make your way through the room to Rossi and take a seat in the chair nearby. You watch how Garcia communicates with JJ. She is her buddy. They are close. It is a good thing Garcia is present right now. She is a tender person. Special. The right person to have in such a situation.
The time goes by. The initial anxiety is gone. You are chatting with Rossi and Garcia is reading some of her magazines. But all of you are alerted when JJ stirs. Garcia is standing now, while she pushes the call button.
"JJ?"
She gently try to contact her friend. You are standing by the bed now, but you decide to let Garcia speak to JJ. Dr. Kassanoff and a nurse are rushing in the room. JJ's eyes are open.
"Jennifer?"
Garcia tries again. You watch JJ getting agitated, she obviously discovered she is restrained. Her chest is heaving again, like the last time. Her eyes dart around.
"Agent Jareau, it is ok, you are in the hospital. Try to calm down."
Dr. Kassanoff is now by your side, you step back to the window to let them work. You can see JJ is ripping at her cuffs. Her eyes show pure panic. You are about to step forward and push them all away. But it is only a little twitch that you can manage, before Rossi has a hand on your arm. You look at him. His face signals you, that you have to let it go, let the staff and Garcia manage this. You sigh and give in. But JJ is far from that. While you were struggling with yourself the heart monitor started the alarm, so did the ventilator.
"Agent Jareau, ssshh, calm down, you are in a hospital, you have a tube down your throat to help you breathing."
Dr. Kassanoff is gently pushing JJ back into the pillow. Garcia's hands are also on JJ's shoulder and chest.
"JJ, honey, look at me, you are safe, you are in the hospital."
It seems anything works. You can tell JJ is just struggling harder to get the hands off her. She is fighting and moving around as she has to fight for her life. Your heart sinks.
"We have to sedate her."
One nurse call out. Dr. Kassanoff only nods at her.
"No. She is just scared." Garcia says. "Please, give her a chance to wake up."
You watch Garcia. She is determined. And she leans down to JJ to get her attention, because you can tell, until right now she only was fighting. She is gently stroking JJ's arms and makes eye contact.
"Gum drop, I need you to calm down. If you don't, they are going to give you some medicine to make you sleep."
"5 mg Midazolam please."
Dr. Kassanoff turns around and whispers to the nurse. The nurse starts working and takes a vial with a clear liquid.
"You've been asleep for almost a week, we need you awake at least for a few minutes."
You can tell Garcia's soothing voice works. JJ stopped struggling. But the look in her eyes, it is something you can't put the finger on. It confuses you a bit. But right now the happenings are drawing your attention.
"You have a tube in your throat to help you breathe, JJ. The doctor has to clear you before it will come out."
JJ looks to Garcia. Garcia is smiling faintly. JJ begins to push her hands up against the restraining, she signals she wants them off. Her eyes are pleading. Garcia eyes are watering. She slowly shakes her head and puts her hand on JJ's cheek.
"I'm so sorry, JJ. But I won't."
She holds back a sob. You watch how JJ begins to struggle again, you can tell she is pissed. The nurse is starting to act, the syringe connects to the I.V. line and she pushes the sedation into JJ's body. JJ is pulling, fighting, ripping at the restraining. Garcia tries to sooth her with her hands, but JJ is beyond to respond to that. Her head snaps to the side, where the nurse is standing, already getting less agitated.
"I'm sorry, Agent Jareau." The nurse says.
You watch JJ calm down and blinking a few times. The sedation sets in and JJ's eyes are closed. Again.
Everybody in the room is staring at JJ. You can tell everybody is feeling a little bit sorry. At least you are feeling that way and Rossi, who is standing beside you too. Garcia is still gently stroking JJ's cheek and sniffs from time to time.
"Alright, that was not the way it suppose to go." Dr. Kassanoff sighs.
You eye the doctor, as the nurses working on JJ to settle her right in the bed again. Dr. Kassanoff turns to you.
"This can happen, most of the patients are scared, when they are waking up. It is a strange surrounding and in her position it is more disturbing. She is restrained and intubated. Not the way I want to wake up. But nevertheless it is necessary."
"I understand." You switch your glance over to JJ.
You are concerned, how this event could set JJ back in her already damaged mood.
"How long will it take until she wakes up again?"
Rossi is now moving out of his stance and talking to the doctor.
"Well, it is hard to tell. But I think she will wake up soon. The sedation was only a short one, just to calm her down. Nothing hard."
"Alright, thank you, doctor." Rossi smiles.
"Your welcome, I will check on her later, in about half an hour."
With that Dr. Kassanoff leaves the room with the two nurses, after he wrote something down in the medical chart.
##
You knock at the counter of the nurse station, where Dr. Kassanoff is talking to a colleague.
"Ah, Agent Hotchner, everything alright?"
"Yes, I want you to check on Agent Jareau again, I think she is waking up again."
"Sure, I follow you."
After you two enter the room, Dr. Kassanoff makes his way to the bed. You stop right behind him, cross your arms and watch eagerly.
"Agent Jareau?" Dr. Kassanoff shakes JJ's shoulder.
No reaction. The doctor pulls out his lamp and begins to exam her pupils.
"Agent Jareau, open your eyes for me."
Slowly she begins to open her eyes. First trying to adjust to the light and after a moment she focuses Dr. Kassanoff. And you.
"Agent Jareau."
The doctor has her attention again. You frown and watch with some impatience the scene.
"I am Dr. Scott Kassanoff, do you know where you are?"
He takes his stethoscope from his neck and begins to check her lungs. You can see how JJ flinches as the stethoscope connects to her body.
"You are in the hospital, in the ICU. You did one hell of a job on yourself."
The doctor takes the stethoscope back around his neck again and smiles at JJ.
"Gave us quite a scare for a few days, you liver is a mess."
You watch JJ lifting her wrist. The restraining is obviously a big problem for her.
"We have to restrain you because you kept trying to pull the tube out of you mouth, which you successfully accomplished on one occasion. I will untie you under the promise you let me take the tube out."
JJ nods.
"Ok hold on."
He leans over, frees the tube from fixation and connects a syringe to unblock the tube. You walked over to see what he is doing. Still frowning, eagerly watching.
"Okay deep breath."
He pulls out the tube and the nurse is suctioning the airway. You see how awful that must be, because JJ is really fighting. You see her panicking and you scowl. JJ is coughing and trying to get some air. But she obviously has problems to get air in her lungs.
"It's ok, it is normal."
Dr. Kassanoff slips a breathing mask over JJ's face, while the nurse is lifting the bedhead up. You still have crossed you arms, staring at JJ. What will she say? How is she doing? You almost jump in suspense. You can tell JJ is still fighting to get her breathing back to a point she doesn't think she suffocates. After a few moments Dr. Kassanoff starts to talk.
"Agent, can you say something?"
That moment, you were waiting for. Your eyes still on JJ, suddenly her eyes shift to yours. Eye contact. Her look is cold and full of anger. You scowl.
"Go to hell."