A/N Please please review, I'm glad about everyone that is reading this story and even more if you are reviewing what you are thinking! It is the fuel that keeps us writer motivated! But I was so motivated right now, that this chapter is a long one! So tell me what you think! Have fun!

"She did what?"

You are beside yourself with rage. You can't believe what just had happen. You stare at the person in front of you.

"I'm sorry Sir, I don't know what to say."

"You better not! When did that happen?"

"We discovered it a couple of minutes ago."

You growl and grit your teeth. You are about to hit the wall. You turn away and ball your hands into fists. You bristle with rage right now. You have to get yourself together again. You sigh and run your hands across your face. In the background the speakers are repeatedly blaring: "Code White ICU Code White". After some moments, you look to the floor, swallow and turn to the person again.

"Alright. We will put one medical staff member on each team, that will search this hospital."

You turn to Morgan and Emily, who were watching the whole scene and remained silent.

"Morgan you go check the entry hall, exits and the elevators. Pick your medical staff member and go!"

"Prentiss you will head to the floors one and two, take your nurses as well."

Your look switches to Hannah.

"You will go with some people and check the stairs, both!"

"I will go check the floors three and five. Alright gogo!"

You catch your medical staff and hurry to the stairs. It is hard to keep your thoughts straight. The picture of JJ lying on the floor unconscious, pale and limb forces its way to your mind. A huge feeling of guilt is growing inside you. How could this happen? Why weren't you able to prevent this – again? You can't believe it. You push the door to the floor three open. While you make your way to the nursing station you send a team message to get the rest informed, what is going on and how the procedure is. Quickly you explain the staff the situation and they are about to join the search on this floor.

Minute after minute goes by and the fear in your stomach is getting bigger. 'She can be dead by now', you remind yourself. You want to scream, to let emerge your fury and fear. Countless rooms are going by and you have this feeling, she isn't in the hospital anymore. What would you do, if you want to run? But does she want to run? Nobody knows that. In the hospital is the best equipment to kill yourself. You have to continue. And you do.

After half an hour you send the team another message. You know no one was successful, because no one contacted you before. You push the speed dial.

"Yes Sir, what can I do for you?"

"Garcia, I need you to set a new search perimeter for the police and start to check the traffic cams. We need to find her!"

"I will do!"

"Hurry!"

You stare for a second at the phone in your hand. Where is she going? Where are you JJ? One detail is becoming clear to you, the weather outside, it is freezing cold. And JJ isn't really in the shape of walking around. You have to find her as soon as possible. As long as she is still alive.

#

Back at the ICU, you look into troubled faces. Rossi and Reid joined the rest of you. They were helping as soon as they arrived.

"We will continue the search with the police in an area of 3 miles for now. David and Reid you will go together. The rest comes with me. We will set up a com link for the search and keep in touch."

You nod into the round, as everybody agreed. There is nothing to say. You know every one is feeling the same, as you do. The fear is overwhelming, unease is everywhere. The possibility that JJ is dead by now tears you apart. You cannot help, but be angry with yourself. You have to go somewhere with your emotions. You are agitated. You begin almost to run to the parking lot. Morgan and Emily have troubles to keep up with you.

You left the parking lot behind you, your eyes searching every spot on the street and sidewalk. The police radio is reporting nonstop. But nothing is important.

"Hotch, come in."

"What's up David?"

"We are heading Bleakers and Rannington."

"Alright, we take Alessia and Welsh."

"Okay."

The time is passing by and it does make you feel worse with every minute that goes by. You are tensed. It is quite in the SUV. Nobody is saying anything. Only the police radio is blaring. You are in your own thoughts right now, when something gets your attention.

"...female, mid thirties, blonde. Matches description..."

You become frantic.

"Please repeat."

"We have female, mid thirties blonde hair, that matches description of your missing agent. We are approaching now."

"What is your location."

"Aleswell and Rayles."

"We will join you."

"Understood."

You make an u-turn and the wheels are squealing.

"Lets hope it is JJ."

You glance at Prentiss, but say nothing. You are too frightened right now. And angry. You hit the gas and speed through the traffic with sirens on.

"Yes this is Agent Morgan with the FBI, I need an ambulance at the corner Aleswell and Rayles."

The traffic is killing you, you barely can drive like you want to. But your attention switches to the police radio again.

"...requesting backup on scene Aleswell and Rayles..."

You look at Emily and frown.

"I guess JJ doesn't like any police officer right now."

Emily chuckles. But you have no time for humor right now, you are livid. The fear turned into anger, and somehow you find yourself angry with JJ. How can she do that, how can she screw around with the team like this. You are ready to be the big bad boss. She needs authority right now, structure and guidance.

In no time you are approaching the scene. Three police cars and five officers cover any glance at the woman. You jump out of the car, Morgan and Prentiss right behind you. You see one of the officers talking to JJ, who is sitting on the ground, covered with a police jacket. She is shivering and shaking with her whole body. The officer, who talked to JJ turns around and walks towards you.

"Agent Hotchner, a pleasure to meet you."

"Officer?"

"Officer Johnson."

"You were at the scene back then."

You nod, but images of the horrible crime scene flash into your mind. You look over to JJ who is staring to the ground.

"Agent Hotcher, I talked to Agent Jareau and she is requesting to go to the cemetery."

You frown and switch your look to the officer again. You know the reason she wants to go to the cemetery. Closure. You can't let that happen. You have to hurt her now and you hate it.

"I understand. I handle it."

You pass the officer and walk to JJ. She refuses to look at you or even speak. You lean down to her.

"I will make you a deal, Agent Jareau."

She still doesn't look up, but you continue.

"I will drive you to the cemetery on the condition that you agree to being admitted at the hospital. No more escapes, no more fighting with the staff. You do as you are told."

You can see how she is considering her options. She looks horrible. Defeated. Finally she nods. You have no intention to drive her to the cemetery actually. You guide her to the SUV, Emily is on the other side of JJ. It is an odd situation. It makes you somehow a little more angry. Five police cars, an ambulance and the whole enforcement people walking around this scene, for your agent. And you are guiding her to the FBI vehicle, just like a criminal. It is embarrassing. You open the door to the SUV and help JJ into the car, where she sits now with her hands cuffed on her back. You join her on the one side and Emily on the other. You only want to get out of here, as soon as possible.

"Go Morgan get us out of here."

Morgan knows exactly you have no intention letting her go to the cemetery right now and he is driving you back to the hospital.

After a while JJ notice the false direction.

"Where are you going?"

JJ growls at Morgan.

"To the hospital."

You answer shortly and begin to uncuff her hands.

"You said we would go to the cemetery!"

"I said I would drive you there if you agreed to go to the hospital."

You pause. You sigh mentally.

"I did not say when."

JJ becomes angry, real angry and stares at you. Yes, you have finally hurt her. But it is necessary and you remain in your role.

"You tricked me!" She growls

"Too bad."

Your face shows nothing. But she is beyond livid. You see her mind racing. She turns away from you, mad at the world, mad at you. And it hurts you too.

##

Morgan drives in the ambulance bay at the hospital. You notice JJ is in her own world and she doesn't pay attention.

"Get out."

Your voice is hard and commanding. JJ's head snaps and she assesses the situation. Just like she want to run off again. You are eager. She looks at the other side, where Emily is still sitting, blocking the way.

"Screw you."

JJ hisses at you and finally breaks her silence . Your anger is pounding inside you and you try to calm yourself down. You sigh.

"Do I have to cuff you?"

She glances up to you. Fear is in her eyes.

"Because at this point, I have no problem with doing it."

Your impatience lets you forget about her problems, as you grab behind your back and pull out your handcuffs. But it is too late. JJ is squeezing her eyes shut and begins to shake. Her arms and knees are protectively pulled against her body.

"Damn it Hotch! Put the handcuffs away now!"

Oh shit. Your stoic stance crumbles for a moment. The handcuffs at your back again, Emily and Morgan are trying to get through to JJ.

"JJ, hey you are safe! Do you hear me? You are with us, you are ok!"

Morgan and Emily are doing their best and it seems to work. JJ is not totally caught in her flashback.

"JJ, c'mon." Emily is soothing her. "It is time to go inside."

You watch JJ and she has still her arms and knees pulled to her chest, balled up.

"I don't want to."

You can barely hear her. The anger from her is gone. There, in the back seat of the SUV is not sitting JJ. There is a little 5 year old girl, that is frightened of the world. Doesn't have enough faith to go anywhere.

"Please don't make me."

Her begging is some kind of heart breaking. But you have steadied yourself again.

"JJ, you have to."

Emily takes over the conversation. She is soft with JJ. Like a mother. But you are aware Emily would do anything to prevent JJ from slipping through the lines, to get away again. She is aware that JJ can turn any second, so are you. And just as you thought about it, it happens.

"I won't consent to treatment. I won't sign anything."

Emily is looking to you, knowing that is your part to take over this conversation. You see JJ building confidence. And you are about to tear it down.

"You don't have to. I took guardianship; right now, I make all of your decisions."

You watch her, as you have just tore her apart. She collapses even more, as she already were. She is shaking bitterly and crying. It stings into your heart. You need every fiber of you to remain calm and stoic. You swallow the lump in your throat. You blink and look at Morgan.

"Go get some medical staff over here."

Morgan simply nods and disappears in the ER entrance. You turn to JJ again.

"You know how this going to end, if you refuse to stay in the car."

Nothing. She is shutting down. Even after more attempts to get through to her, you don't get any answer or reaction. Emily also has left the car. You are alone with JJ now.

She is recognizing, that she is alone with you. Because suddenly she starts to talk to you.

"Why won't you just let me die?"

She is whispering and tears are streaming down her face. You cringe mentally. She is desperate and it's makes you feel you have to cry right now. But you can force back your own tears. Your anger is gone. You cannot be angry with that person in front of you anymore. It is deep concern that drives you.

"I can't."

You admit and you never will.

"You can, you just won't."

That's right JJ.

"You're right, I won't."

JJ seems to be more put together now. She is looking around, her gaze stops at the opposite door.

"I wouldn't try it, child locks are on."

"And you think, that taking away my rights is actually going to stop me from killing myself?"

She begins to laugh and you feel unease growing inside you. She switches from one mood into the other. She is totally lost in herself.

"You think by sticking me, locking me in a damn hospital – that I won't find a way, Agent Hotchner?"

That hits hard. The person in front of you isn't JJ anymore, not the JJ you know. Definitive not. And this change is hurting the most. But you go on.

"Then why haven't you?"

You reverse and hope she is backing up.

"I wanted to say goodbye to my family, and you stopped that. You even stopped that!"

Your both eyes are stuck on each other. The lump in your throat is there again. You have to swallow. Your heart aches, what she has just said hit you.

"I had to get you back to the hospital, JJ."

Your protective wall is breaking.

"Why?"

"So they can help you, JJ."

You are sincere, you want with all what is possible to get JJ back. But she proofs again, she don't want to.

"I don't want to, Hotch." Shaking her head, she whimpers. "I don't want this anymore."

"JJ..." You try.

But then she changes again. Her mood is furious and it seems again she is really unpredictable and a danger to herself.

"No! You don't JJ me. Where were you?" She is agitated and trembling. "Where were you and the team when that asshole killed my family?"

You feel your guilt pulled out of your inside out on the surface and your chest tightens. Your heartbeat begins to run and you feel the blood flushing in your head. You swallow and steady yourself a bit.

"You don't think we tried? You don't think we stayed awake until we found you? You don't think everyone of us was sick what we found? We found you alive, JJ, it doesn't mean we didn't lose anyone."

It almost sputtered out of you. The pressure was too big to avoid that.

"You took my rights, Hotch."

'I know JJ and I'm sorry.' you think.

"Before you took your life."

You hear Morgan and Emily approaching from behind and sigh. You are too emotional right now. JJ is leaning over to you, as she begins to whisper.

"Take me to the cemetery."

You are confused what she tries to imply, but turn your head over the shoulder to see if Morgan and Emily were successful. The whole medical staff was following the two agents. But you see in a split second Morgan gesturing and shouting.

"HOTCH!"

You turn around, knowing in your gut JJ is about to do something and that is what Derek is referring to. You see JJ has grabbed your gun out of your holster. She is holding it, the gun is already loaded. You don't think and lunge at the gun. She is placing the gun to her temple. Everything happens in slow motion as it seems.

"NOO!"

You scream and reach for the gun as it goes off. BANG! Your hand holds tightly the wrist of JJ, the gun still in her hand. The trigger was pulled.

"NO!"

This time JJ screams. You are wrestling to get the gun out of her hand. You don't mind anything and push with full force, as you hear a crunch. But she has still the gun and you are struggling with her, fighting.

"Noo..."

She is desperate and it seems the amount of sorrow she has suffered is forced right now to remain the gun in her hand. You can't get it out of her fingers. She is kicking, fighting and pushing you. Finally you hear the door on the other side open, as you are both panting while your struggle. Morgan is about to push JJ down into the seat and with the full force you can rip the gun out of her hand. From the front a doctor is trying to secure JJ a bit more, not knowing what she is up to. With the gun out of her hands, your thoughts begin. That was close, almost too close! You are almost responsible for her death. But you have no time to think anymore, JJ is further struggling with all her force, it needs all of you to hold her down.

"Her wrist is broken."

The doctor in the front says, as he assesses JJ.

"Call up the ICU. We need to get her to a safe room."

You hear another doctor requesting to some of the medical staff. Emily is next to Morgan and tries to calm JJ down. She is gently stroking over her head, moving away the hair that is over her face. Morgan wipes softly the tear from her cheeks.

"Agent Hotchner, we need to sedate her." One of the doctors says.

You are still almost lying on JJ, securing her. She begins to shake her head as far as she is able to. But you have to do this, there is no way. This must not happen again!

"Go ahead."

You hear JJ protesting and your heart aches.

"No Hotch."

She is crying and begging. It is heart breaking, not only for you. The prepared sedation syringe is passed over to the doctor in the front seat of the car. He is about to prepare the injection.

"No..."

JJ's tears are streaming down her face and it is an awful situation for all of your team. Your friend and longtime team member is restrained lying in front of you. You also are forcing her down, to prevent that she is able to hurt herself. She will be sedated soon, not able to move anymore, not able to do what she want anymore. And you are helping with that. JJ is struggling even more now, as she is aware of what is about to happen. She can't move an inch, but she forces everyone to push her down even more.

"JJ."

You try to get her attention, while the doctor connects the needle with the vein, slowly he pushes the sedation into JJ's body. She is still moving around under the pressure of those many hands, that try to restrain her. Slowly you feel how she is beginning to relax. The struggle stops, only a few slow moves are made by her. Everyone sighs in relief. Finally everyone except you releases their hands and pressure from JJ.

"Was she hit?"

Emily asks with a concerned look.

"She isn't bleeding, the bullet went through the roof."

You look down to JJ and it happens that she is just looking straight into your eyes. You feel guilty and you cannot help but to mouth 'sorry' to her. You don't think she will notice, with the sedation in her system. But you are also relieved she isn't in danger anymore. Most of the tension is gone now and the adrenaline is fading away.

"Well, she'll be out in a few moments, lets get her to the ER."

The doctor announces and tries to help you to get JJ out of the back seat. You see that her eyes are already blinking several times. You gently pull her to you and pick her up into your arms. As she lies in your arms, you watch her eyes close. Slowly you lay her down on the gurney and place a blanket over her body. You take out your handcuffs and close them around the healthy arm and restrain her to the gurney. Clearly, you don't want to relive that again, what just had happened. You feel extremely exhausted and you are glad JJ is asleep right now.