Christina watches the growing crowd below us, her features piqued in concentration. "You know, life is really serious and miserable, but we put other people's genitals in our mouths as a sign of affection and it doesn't seem so bad."

I stare at her in blank shock for a moment and then, I can't help it, I laugh. Her lips twitch up, and before long she's laughing too, the rickety old fire escape we're perched on creaking as the force of it rocks our bodies. I hadn't know friendship - real friendship - in Abnegation, and I didn't expect it when I transferred. But I'm glad I have it now, even if my 'friend' did just badger me into confiding in her about things I never thought I'd share with anyone besides Tobias.

"No wonder Four looked so happy this morning," Christina snickers as she passes me the flask in her hand.

"Yeah, who knew near death experiences came with such perks."

"I bet there'll be a rash of Dauntless boys getting 'thrown' from trains once the word gets out. It's the perfect ruse; they're too injured to repay the favor."

"Don't remind me," I grumble before I take a sip from the flask. It doesn't taste good, but it does keep me warm.

Our clothes are smeared in neon paint, the evidence of a day spent shooting paintballs at each other, but when we finished our last paintball battle the guns were abandoned in favor of snowballs. Before long we were joined by a crowd of Dauntless and bottles of alcohol. Christina and I climbed the fire escape to drink in peace and have a birds eye view of the mayhem below us.

"Being selfless is great until you're left unfulfilled, although I bet it's fantastic for keeping him from having bouts of crankiness and tears and whatever else the doctor warned you about," Christina says.

This time I keep my mouth shut. Because I am unfulfilled. And frustrated. And selfish. Not that Tobias hasn't tried to 'repay the favor', but with his dominant hand injured... it's not as bad as when he was drunk, but his touch is clumsy and uncoordinated and hinders more than it helps.

But it's more than that too. Lately just the thought of feeling more and different parts of him is enough to make equal amounts of excitement and terror course through me. I haven't even been having nightmares the last few days, just dreams about Tobias and I naked and sweaty and tangled together.

I prop my chin up on a rusty rail and push those thoughts out in favor of the world of crystalline white below us. I know dwelling on them only makes me more frustrated. The grey of Abnegation stands out against the snow. They still don't talk about themselves, but it's nice to see them mixed with the black of Dauntless, blue of Erudite, and even a few red and yellow Amity hurling balls of snow at each other. Of course the Dauntless are the most dangerous, aiming for people's heads, but the white of Candor are the hardest targets to hit.

"It's nice, just being people instead of factions," I comment, the thoughts in my head pushing past my lips.

"Yeah, but what happens next?"

I don't have an answer for that. No one does.

As the sun starts to set the scene is bathed in hues of pink and purple. Finally the Candor stand out enough to take a few hits. We follow the last of the stragglers in, giggling as we slip across water-slicked glass floor of the Pire. We're buffeted by people making their way towards the Pit and dinner, but all I can think about is blue quilts and warm bodies.

My fantasies are wiped away when the door to our apartment swings open. It's dark and quiet and cold. Tobias isn't here. It doesn't surprise me. Since the dizzy spells and headaches have been waning he's been spending more time in the Control Room.

Suddenly I feel sleepy and sluggish, and it's all I can do to flip the switch that lights the gas fire and collapse on the couch. I run my hand across the fabric. It feels velvety soft like suede, but I know it's man-made; leather is saved for useful things like gloves and shoes, not wasted on couches.

I watch the flames dance and think about my Choosing Ceremony, the look in my father's eyes when I picked Dauntless instead of Abnegation. It must have seemed ironic to him that his children went back to the factions their parents came from. My mother called him 'selfish' when she came on Visiting Day, and maybe he was then, but I think - I hope - he understood before he died why I had to leave. I hope he would be proud of the choices I've made.

I'm still watching them when Tobias enters. Another of my choices. He sits down on the floor next to me, and I put my arm around him. His heart beats slow and steady under my hand. There was a time when I thought that was all that was left of him, and I decided to die rather than kill him; another choice, one I know my parents would have been proud of.

"What are you thinking about?"

"My parents. Wondering what they'd think of the choices I've made."

If he can smell the alcohol on my breath he ignores it. "Do you think they'd be happy you're shacking up with Marcus' traitorous lying son?" His tone is defense, but deep under that I hear insecurity too. "Your brother wasn't."

I feel an ache in my chest that has nothing to do with Caleb. "Hey," I say softly, tilting his face so he has to look at me. Even in the flickering light of the fire I can see how guarded his eyes are. "I don't care if they would or not. I love you. I want to be with you. You're my choice." The air shifts, turns soft, insulating us from the war inside and outside that threatens to destroy us. I lean forward and kiss his forehead. His fingers slide into my hair, holding me to him and for a moment everything stops, and it's just us.

When we pull away from each other he keeps his hand on mine, pressing it to his chest. "It doesn't matter to you that Evelyn loathes me," I point out. "And for what it's worth my mom liked you when she came on Visiting Day."

"Do you think they knew?"

"About?"

"Marcus, Evelyn, the abuse," he shakes his head. "Any of it, all of it. Marcus had to fake her death. He couldn't do that alone. And even if he could she became the leader of the factionless; the Abnegation worked with her to find Divergents."

"I don't know. They were good at keeping secrets."

"So are you."

"So are you," I parrot back, my voice hard.

"I don't want to be. Not with you." I feel his heart rate start to pick up like it would in his fear landscape, but before more than a few beats have a chance to thump heavily against my hand he's off the floor, and crawling over me.

After we jostle around he ends up on his side next to me, while I'm flat on my back with my legs thrown over his. His face is propped up on his good arm, and his injured one rests on my hip. "I'm going to Erudite tomorrow."

"Why?"

"To see if there's anything to Marcus' claims. I don't want a repeat of what happened the last time."

"Do you think he was lying?"

He rubs at his face wearily, as if he's spent a lot of time thinking this over and it's tired him out. "I don't know. I hacked their computer system today - what was left of it anyway - and didn't find anything. I didn't expect to, to be honest. Evelyn's not stupid enough to leave it intact on their system. But I don't think it was ever on their system to begin with."

He watches me expectantly. "It was on her computer in the lab," I say slowly, working my thoughts out. "Jeanine's personal computer that wasn't hooked up to the system."

"If it existed... yes. When I went back to her lab before we left Erudite the hard drive had been ripped out."

"Marcus?"

"Probably."

"What do you think the information was?"

"Divergents, or what's outside the fence. They're the only things that would make her go to such extremes."

I nod in agreement. In the moments when I'd allowed myself to think about my meeting with Marcus that was the conclusion I came to as well.

"But knowing that doesn't help much. I talked to Cara, some of the other Erudite refugees, and got a list of people who worked closely with Jeanine. I don't think she would have confided completely in them, but they might know something."

"Makes sense."

His fingers twitch nervously against me. "I'm going to talk to Caleb too."

My head whips around so quickly our noses collide painfully. "He's alive?"

"Yes."

"You never said anything."

"You never asked. You haven't even talked about your parents until the last week, and I knew how much it was hurting you even if you never said anything. I thought maybe Caleb... just hurt too much."

I want to be mad at him for keeping this from me. I do. But I can't be. Because sometimes - even though it's been months - the thought of my parents rips me open and leaves me aching. Seeing a woman with wavy hair like my mother's or a man with bitten off nails like my father can make a chasm open up in my chest, and pain pour through it. I miss them, and their deaths are a tangible weight I carry with me.

I want to be mad at Tobias, but even though it maybe wasn't the best way to deal with things, his silence was the way he was supporting me. And I understand it, because it's a very Abnegation thing to do. He wouldn't want to bring it up and cause me more hurt, but he would have listened if I had.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, pushing away the shock and pain his admission created. I nod when I'm got it under control again, encouraging him to continue. "With Jeanine dead... even though he was only an initiate... with what he did he's going to be one of the most important Erudite on trial."

"Will he be executed if he's found guilty?"

He's quiet for so long I open my eyes to look at him. I can't name all the emotions on his face and in his eyes. Conflict, sorrow, apprehension are in their numbers, but there's a fire too, one I'm familiar with. A fire that speaks more clearly of his desire to hurt Caleb for the pain he caused than words ever could. It makes me wonder how Tobias persuaded him to help release Amanda Ritter's video.

"Yes." It's a small, simple word, but the finality of his voice is like the swing of the executioners axe.

He watches me watch him, and it takes me a long time to notice that his hand is smoothing up and down my thigh, slow and soothing.

"Do you want to see him?"

I should. I should swallow my pride and my hurt and my anger and forgive my brother. But then I remember my mother dying in an alleyway, and my father in a hallway like they meant nothing, like they were worthless. I remember how Caleb spied for Jeanine and his callousness at watching her torture me for weeks. I think of all the people who died because of him. I think of Will and Christina and all the other people who loved the dead and are left to live with pieces of themselves missing.

"No, I don't."

Tobias doesn't argue with me. "He's going to go under the truth serum," he says eventually.

"I know."

"The jury might ask him about you."

"I thought only lawyers got to do that."

"The jurors can ask questions as well."

"Evelyn?"

"She'd never allow it."

"Because of you?"

"Yes."

I have my doubts her maternal feelings reach that deeply, but before I can articulate them, Tobias speaks again.

"I want to tell him you died in the fight with the factionless like we did everyone else."

"Do you think he'll believe you?"

"Your name is on the list of the dead. We have a death certificate."

I trace the veins on Tobias' hand. He asked me before to let him protect me, and this time I decide to let him at least try. "Okay."

He presses his forehead to mine. "Thank you," he breathes out, and I can hear the relief in his voice.

xxxx

I think of waves. The way the ripples in a cup of water bounce back on each other and grow, each absorbing the energy of the other and morphing into something new. It's the way Tobias and I move against each other, with each other, lips and fingers finding bare patches of skin and uncovering more in their wake. It grows from a gentle undulation, a suggestion of movement into something more forceful with us feeding it, spurring it on.

For the first time in a long time I feel close to him, connected to him in a way I haven't since before the war. Maybe him telling me what was going on with him - knowing that he wasn't keeping secrets - was what I needed because I don't feel the flutter of fear I normally do with his hips rutting against mine. All I feel is a wanting, a desire for more of him.

Tobias keeps a steadying hand on my back as he flips us over, covering my body with his. I don't feel trapped like I did in the shower though. I feel safe under him. I love the way he looks at me like I'm the only thing he sees, and touches me like I'm the only thing he wants. He makes me believe that I'm beautiful and sexy and desired.

My lips are swollen and tender from us doing battle, each trying to lead the other. I call it a draw when he pulls away to kiss down my jaw and neck, to nose across my collarbone and further down. His lips on my breasts come as a shock, but not a bad one; the weight of him between my thighs is enough to distract me from any niggling doubts about my inadequacy. It's not until I feel the gentle scrape of his teeth that I arch up into the humid warmth of his mouth.

Tobias flicks his tongue across the tightened sensitive skin at their tips. It makes me whimper and keen under him and the combination of it and the way he's hard against the slickened fabric between my legs feels too good to make me feel self conscious about the noises rising up my throat.

His fingers slide past the waistband of my underwear, to find the hot, wet skin they cover and slide inside me easily. It's enough to make my hands fist into the sheets, my whole body tightening in response to his touch the same way I'm tightening around his finger in pleasure.

It's not the part of him I'm craving though. I want to feel him inside of me, all of him. I want to us to be joined together. I want to feel his chest slipping against my own, and his arms around me and mine around him. I want us to move together like waves until my walls flutter and clench around him and he spills inside of me and I can pull a part of him into the deepest parts of me because sometimes it really is 'making love' and not 'just sex' and I'm finally - finally - not afraid of it or him.

But it's that thought that stops me. We all have nightmares, but this is the first time Tobias and I have pushed them away like this. I want him and this, but not because we're trying to forget the things that haunt us. I don't want it this way, our past tainting our present.

It takes all my strength, every ounce of willpower I possess to stop him, my body protesting every inch he moves further from me because no matter what my brain tells it, it wants this. "I want you, Tobias," I whisper once our breathing has steadied. "But not like this."

He rolls off of me and I hear him hiss in pain. His shoulder isn't fully healed yet. The world outside our windows is still dark. "Was it about me?" I ask as I pull the quilt more securely around us, chasing away the encroaching chill.

"Yes." He's quiet for a minute, hands searching until they find my own and he brings them up to his lips. "I love you." It's his explanation. He loves me, and it scares him. He loves me, and he's afraid I'll die. He loves me, and he's afraid I'll hurt him. He loves me, and he's afraid he'll hurt me. He doesn't need to explain that because I love him too.

The floor behind the couch where I'm sitting is littered with files. I should be making notes in them, cataloging each trainees progress, but mostly I'm looking out the window without seeing the view, mind wrapped up in thoughts of Tobias and I and whether or not stopping him was what I really wanted.

I hear voices and then the door bangs open. I twist around, looking around the edge of the couch to see Tobias, his back to me, inching into our apartment, one hand supporting a desk. Zeke is carrying the other end. They settle it against the wall and before either of them can notice me I retreat. I should stand up and announce myself, or maybe try to make a mad dash to the bedroom, but I don't even though I know I should.

"You've been quiet since I told you," Zeke says. The couch jostles against my back and I know he just sat down on it.

"Not much to say."

"Not much to say, or just not much you want to say to me?"

"What you and Shauna do isn't my business."

"Like what you and Tris do isn't mine?" When it becomes apparent to everyone in the room - seen and unseen - that Tobias isn't going to answer that question Zeke presses on. "Whatever you might think, all I was trying to do was help."

"You want to help? Stay out of it," Tobias snaps.

"Somebody's got their panties in a twist." I can practically hear Zeke's eyeroll. "And I would stay out of it, but in case you haven't noticed communication isn't your strong suit. I've seen what you're like without her, and I don't want to see it again. So-"

"What did you tell her?" Tobias suddenly demands, voice tight.

"Exactly? I told her you scared the shit out of me. I told her that all that control you usually hide everything under was gone and no one knew what you were going to do, but we weren't stupid enough to try and stop you. And I told her you didn't fool anyone. We all knew that no matter what you said, if she died, you wouldn't live much longer. But mostly I told her that you overreacting has more to do with you than her."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Look, I won't pretend to understand what happened with you and your parents - I know I don't know the whole story -, but don't think I don't see what you're doing with Tris."

"They have nothing to do with this," Tobias seethes. I can just imagine how he looks, fists clenched and muscles tense, anger contorting him. "And what is it you think I'm doing with Tris, other than keeping her safe, that is."

"You want to tell yourself they have nothing to do with this? Or that what you're doing is for her, fine, it's not my problem, but we both know that's not the truth."

"Oh yeah? Then what is?" I recognize that voice, Four's voice, cold and bitter and cruel. It's either a testament to their friendship or Zeke's fearlessness that he doesn't immediately back-track at the threat implicit in Tobias' tone.

"You're trying to protect yourself the same you always have because now that you've let her in a little she can break you, has come very close to doing it, and all you're doing is pushing her away." No one would look at Zeke and suspect that he's observant and thoughtful, but he is. He's normally gregarious, a joker, and Tobias needs that. He needs a best friend who pulls him out of himself, who makes him laugh and lightens him. But sometimes he needs a best friend who will tell him when he's making mistakes because clearly he can still be 'Four'.

"I love you like a brother, Tobias. I'd take a bullet for you, but you need to pull your head out of your ass. You're not always going to have people around that can bridge the gap between you and her. If you don't talk to her, she's going to bail. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday." His voice turns from grave to teasing. "Besides, you take my advice when it comes to what goes on in the bedroom, so why don't you take my advice when it comes to this too?"

For a few seconds all I feel is outrage - I want to pop up like a Jack-in-the-Box and demand to know exactly what advice Zeke gave him on that subject -, but I force myself to stay where I am.

"Speaking of which...?"

"Seriously, Zeke, stay out of it." Tobias doesn't sound angry anymore, just embarrassed.

"Is this some Abnegation thing? If you're saving yourself for marriage you might want to hurry up and pop the question. Despite what your Stiff-wired brain thinks teenage girls are just as horny as teenage boys. Well," his voice is devilish, "with the right guy. Maybe that's your problem."

An empty water bottle ricochets over the back of the couch, and I freeze, praying neither one of them comes to retrieve it and discovers me.

"Touchy, touchy."

"It hasn't been the right time," Tobias mumbles, so low I can barely hear him.

I breathe a sigh of relief. At least he hasn't told Zeke about my fears.

Zeke laughs, loud and throaty. "I got news for you buddy, it's never going to be 'the right time'. Which leads us back to me. You don't think it's the right time to have a kid."

"I didn't say that."

"No, you didn't say anything."

"I just think it's weird she won't marry you, but wants to have a kid with you."

"It's not that she won't, it just doesn't matter."

"It matters."

"Yeah? Do you love Tris?"

"Yes."

"Can you see yourself with anyone else?"

"No."

"You want that forever?"

"Yes."

"Then why isn't there a ring on her finger?" I wait, with bated breath for an answer that never comes. "Not that I don't get where you're coming from with Marcus and Evelyn, but you can't have it both ways. Either it matters or it doesn't."

"That has nothing to do with it. It's not-"

"Not the right time," Zeke snaps, irritation bleeding through his voice for the first time. "Keep telling yourself that, and watch your life pass you by. Wave goodbye to it for me." The couch scuffs against the floor as he stands up. "You need to decide how much longer you're going to let them ruin things." I hear the door slam shut before Tobias can say anything else.

A/N: Well, what can I say? I'm a tease. Don't worry, we're getting there, so just bear with me :) Oh yeah, I totally ripped off Christina's comment about putting other people's genitals in your mouth as a sign of affection from Tumblr. I have no idea who it belongs to, but it's brilliant and cracks me up and a very Candor thing to say.

Thank you all for the wonderful reviews, and encouragement in regards to mixing smut with an actual story. And a very special thank you to Wee Kraken who beta'd this chapter. Check out her fic Destroying Lives. It's a pre-Divergent story based around Marcus. I know he's not anyone's favourite character, but it's brilliant and I'm absolutely wild about it even though it's only in it's first few chapters.