A/N: Again, thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the feedback on this story! You have no idea how much each and every review means to me. Especially the ones I'm getting from mother's who have been through this. You are all so strong and brave, and I admire all of you.

Things start to look up from here on out. In this chapter Anna and John finally have the conversation that will set her on the road to healing.

I hope you guys enjoy, and keep those reviews coming! :) xo

Disclaimer: Same as Ch. 1-2

Anna woke just before dawn after several hours of restless sleep. Her husband wasn't much better beside her; tossing, and groaning. Anna finally moved over to the rocking chair in the corner of the small room. She felt odd sitting there without William in her arms. This was normally where she sat in the early hours of the morning and fed him. Instead she settled for just observing her John. His face was creased with worry...for her she imagined. She allowed herself a moment to think about what had transpired last night. The fight itself was fuzzy...she could distinctly remember some things, but not others which frustrated her.

"Just because you pawn our son off, and buy me a pretty necklace doesn't mean I am going to sleep with you!"

Anna cringed as the words she'd spat at John came back to her. She had never known such intense anger in all her life. What had she been thinking, accusing him of such terrible things? She knew she'd hurt him immensely. She felt her eyes brim with tears as she remembered watching him break down on their settee….this wasn't her. She had promised him she would fix this...that she would change; even if he didn't feel like she needed to, she knew she did. You have to tell him. Today. Her conscience pushed her, and she knew it was right. She would have to tell him everything; her feelings about her body, her melancholy attitude….her thoughts of running away.

She hadn't noticed that while she had been preparing herself for what was ahead, her husband had woken up and was watching her. She gave him a weak smile which he returned.

"Good morning." She whispered.

"Good morning, love. What are you doing over there? It's cold, you should come back to bed. I can get up if you want me to."

She shook her head; her sweet husband, always thinking of her.

"No, you don't have to get up. I'll join you." She climbed back into bed beside him, finding comfort in the warmth he provided. They sat up against the headboard with what felt like miles between them.

This was it. It was time to tell him everything. She'd never felt so utterly terrified in all her life as she did in this moment. If she had married any other man she might not be able to gather the courage to admit all this, but she hadn't married just any man. She'd married the love of her life. John Bates was the kindest, bravest, most loving, and most understanding person she'd ever known. She could tell him anything.

"We need to talk." She whispered, looking down at her lap as she fiddled with the blankets. She looked up when his hand moved into her sight line. She grasped his hand like it was a lifeline. When she met his eyes she was overwhelmed by the love that flowed between them.

"I know I haven't been myself lately. The first thing I need to say is how sorry I am about last night."

"Anna..." She could tell he was going to defend her, but she had to get this out. She silenced him by placing her free hand gently on his cheek.

"Please John." He seemed to sense that she needed his silence, and he nodded.

"I can't remember all of it," she flushed with embarrassment, "but I know I said some terrible things; things I know are not in the least bit true. Please know that. You are a wonderful husband and father, and what you did yesterday was so amazingly thoughtful and sweet. I know you would never try to buy me...God, even saying it out loud is ridiculous..." His eyes were soft, and patient as she spoke. "You believe me right? That I don't believe any of that?"

He nodded. "I do."

That was a relief. "I could sit here and say that I don't know what came over me, but...I think I do..." Her voice was shaking with nerves. She could feel the darkness creeping back in, trying to convince her that she was making a mistake. Would he think she was mad? Would he think her unfit to care for their son? What if he left her and took William?

No. She was done with this. If there was one thing she knew for sure it was that love could cast out any darkness; no matter how powerful. Love was always stronger.

"I need you to let me get this out, alright? I know you are going to want to object, and defend me...and I love you for that, but please…" His grip tightened on her hand.

"I promise, Anna." He whispered.

She took a steadying breath, and at long last told him everything; poured out every worry, every thought, every desperate moment she'd had over the past six months. She told him about her feelings of despair and inadequacy, and about wanting to run away from it all. His expression was concerned, but loving and patient as he listened to everything. He rubbed soothing circles into her palm with his thumb, and the simple action made her feel calmer than she had in months. The words flowed out of her now like a waterfall.

She could hardly believe she was giving a voice to the thoughts that had been running through her mind all this time. She looked over at her husband occasionally as she talked, but he remained steady. His eyes held no judgement, only devotion and encouragement.

She stopped for a moment, and thought about what she was going to have to tell him next. You've come this far Anna, you might as well tell him everything.

"Then there was my inability to be with you." His eyes widened slightly before he reigned in his expression. She could tell he hadn't expected the conversation to go down this path.

"My body changed in ways I didn't like after having William. I convinced myself that you would be disgusted with me if you saw me, and…I just couldn't face that." She couldn't keep the tears at bay any longer. "I wanted so badly to be intimate with you again, to have that comfort of being close to you...I felt like it could heal me. But every time I thought about it the fear and panic would darken my mind. I just couldn't imagine you looking at me. I still can't." She stifled back the sobs for a moment, as his arm tentatively wrap around her shoulders. She felt him relax when she leaned into him.

"Not only am I bad mother, but I can't even be a proper wife." With that she broke down in his arms.

He held her for what could have been hours or minutes, she had no idea. All time fell away from them as he whispered words of love into her hair along with sweet kisses. She felt like a weight had been lifted off of her soul. He knew everything now. For better or worse he knew the whole truth of what she'd been feeling, and fighting with these past six months. The darkness tried to tell her that this was it; they were over, and he would leave her now that he knew. But as her husband's arms tightened around her she knew that love had prevailed.

Her tears finally subsided, and she opened her eyes to see the dawn peaking through the curtains of their bedroom. A weighted silence settled between them, but she still felt more peaceful than she had in what felt like an eternity. She knew the conversation wasn't over. She knew he would have questions, and would feel the need to reassure her with his words. She knew she would welcome them, and the thought made her want to leap for joy.

The doubts were still there. She still had no idea how she was going to allow him to look at her body when the time came...and it would come. She couldn't keep fooling herself by thinking that she could keep him at bay forever. She knew she had a lot of work to do to repair her bond with William; to reestablish her place as his mother, and to do everything in her power to be the best she could possibly be.

The doubts failed to terrify her now that she had the support of her husband. Together they could take on any challenge.

"Anna?" His soft voice broke through her thoughts. She shifted slightly so that she was sitting up in the bed, but still held in the warmth of his arms. It may be selfish, but she needed every ounce of strength he could provide right now.

She met his eyes, and noticed they were bloodshot like her own. He'd been crying with her.

"Oh John." She placed her hand on his cheek gently, and he leaned into her touch. "I'm sorry."

He shook his head. "No, love. I'm sorry."

"Why?" She asked, confused. She didn't blame him in the slightest for any of this. What could he possibly have to be sorry for?

He lowered his gaze, and she noticed he was playing with her wedding ring.

"I have known all this time that something was wrong. I told myself you were just tired, and needed space. I left you to deal with all of this, essentially alone. I will never forgive myself…"

"Stop." She said fiercely, and then cringed when he looked slightly weary. She didn't blame him after last night. She tried to reassure him by gripping his hand.

"I will not sit here, and allow you to blame yourself for my mistakes. I should have talked to you long before now….I never should have let it get this bad. I don't...I don't even know what it is, but I know that if it hadn't been for you there is no way I could have survived."

He gathered her back into his arms, and held her tightly to him as if she could slip through their bed, and disappear forever if he didn't keep his grip. The thought made her heart ache. How had she managed to hurt them so badly?

"Now it's my turn to talk." He whispered into her hair. She pulled back, and saw the determination in his expression.

"Alright."

"First of all, you are an amazing mother. Before you try to protest you should know that I understand more than you realize the meaning behind what you've told me. You see my mother was a midwife while I was growing up."

"She was? I never knew."

"Yes." He smiled, memories of his mother playing out in his eyes. "I remember her leaving in the night to deliver a baby, and sending word to me when they were born. Sometimes she would have me accompany her if there were other children in the house. One thing I specifically remember were the times when we would take in new mothers in despair…"

Anna felt her heartbeat quicken. There were others who felt this way?

"When I was old enough to understand what was happening my mother explained to me that some mothers had more trouble adjusting than others. She made sure I knew that it did not make them bad mothers, only that they needed extra special care, and more love. Women who had less than understanding husbands sought refuge with us."

He reached up to wipe away a tear that had escaped her eye without her noticing before he continued on.

"I watched as my mother nurtured, loved, and cared for countless women and children. They would improve and leave us in time, but we always received letters from several families. My mother taught me many things, but probably one of the most enduring lessons was that women were to be treated with respect and equality. That no matter what I did in life I was to cherish and love my wife and children with everything I had."

"Your mother was an amazing woman." Anna whispered through her tears.

"She was…..and I failed her."

"What? No you didn't."

"Ah, but I did my love. You see...not all the women who came to us were the same. I suppose it would manifest itself in different ways in different people. But I have recognized some of the symptoms in you. I brushed it to the side thinking it impossible for my perfect wife to feel like she was unfit or unworthy in any way. I tried to help as much as I could, tell you how wonderful and beautiful you are every chance I got, and told myself that you knew the words to be true. I never imagined….never dreamed that you could see yourself as anything less than the perfect person that I see when I look at you. Everything I saw, everything my mother taught me, I just tossed it aside. I could have helped you so much sooner." Something inside John broke as the words came out in a torrent of regret and blame.

It was her turn to hold him as he fell apart in her arms. He blamed himself. He thought he was the failure here, because in his eyes she was still too perfect to be at fault.

"John." She whispered. "Look at me."

He met her eyes, and she wiped the remaining tears from his cheeks.

"You have not failed me, do you understand? Nor have you failed your mother. We are both human John, and we both make mistakes. I will only let you cast the blame on yourself, if you will allow me to cast it on myself as well. And I know you...I know you won't allow that, so let's just find a common ground here. We can't dwell on this. I want to move on."

"I want that too." He whispered.

"I can't promise it will be tomorrow, or this week, or even a month from now...but I will try John. I promise."

"And I will help you. Whatever you need." They grasped each others hands for dear life as they renewed their vows to each other. "If you ever feel that way again; if you ever doubt, or feel like it's too much pressure please just be honest with me. I never want you to feel alone again. You can always talk to me."

"I know that now." She smiled gently, then turned somber again. "I was just so afraid. I don't know why, but I was so scared."

"Fear is powerful, Anna. It can change us; turn us into someone we don't recognize. Just know that I am always here to chase the fear away."

She held his face in her hands, and ever so gently placed a soft kiss on his lips.

"I love you more than I ever thought possible." She whispered against his lips.

"As I love you, my beautiful angel."

They exchanged a few more chaste, gentle kisses and held each other for a while longer before the day beckoned them away from the safe cocoon of their room. This time, however, the darkness couldn't reach Anna as she watched John make his way to Downton to pick up their William. When he looked back at her from down the path she felt a foreign, yet utterly familiar sensation settle around her and embrace her from the inside out. Love.