A/N: I'm just going to keep saying thank you for all the reviews, because you guys are amazing! :)

Bit of a time jump here. This chapter does get a bit racy towards the end, but I didn't feel like it was enough to constitute a rating change. I tried to keep it from getting smutty….nothing wrong with some smut (as you probably know from some of my past fics) it just didn't seem to fit in this story.

Also I want to mention that I realize i'm being very liberal with Mrs. Hughes and her overnight babysitting abilities, but just humor me. I needed her available for this story so she took some time off ;) I'm sure Mr. Carson was easily persuaded by her magical scottish powers.

As always let me know what you think! I always look forward to reviews.

Disclaimer: Same as Ch 1-3

The two months that followed Anna's confession, and their heart to heart was a time of healing for the Bates family. Lord Grantham had to make an unplanned trip to America, and had insisted on taking Thomas with him since he didn't know how long he would be gone. That left John free to spend more time at the cottage with Anna and William.

At first having John around all the time had felt smothering to Anna, but that feeling didn't linger for long. She quickly realized how much help she needed if she was going to recover from this.

The three of them spent as much time together as they could. Whether it was going out for a picnic and a walk around the village. Or just spending a quiet evening together in their home.

Anna used the time John was away at the Abbey or running errands for her as a chance to bond with her son. She did things with him that she'd been doing from the beginning; she would take him to the garden to play while she planted, but now she would laugh when she caught him eating the dirt. She would read to him, and this time when she was finished with the story she would sing him lullabies her mother used to sing to her. Sometimes she would do something as simple as sitting on the floor and playing with him. It felt like the missing piece to the puzzle had been set, and she was finally able to find joy in spending time with her son. In the midst of her relief and joy she tried not to let guilt cloud her happiness.

"You're doing these things now Anna, that's what's important." John had reassured her when she shared her feelings with him, and she knew he was right. But some days were more difficult than others, and she struggled to remember his encouragement sometimes.

One day a few weeks after their talk, John had to spend the entire day at Downton to help with a large dinner party. It was the first time he'd been away for that long, and William hadn't been feeling well and was rather fussy. Anna could feel her old doubts returning, and tried desperately to remember John's words, but the darkness taunted her. After tears from both of them she finally got William settled down enough, and was watching him as he played on the floor in front of the fire. She couldn't bring herself to join him as she lost herself in her thoughts. Was she really making any progress at all? She'd managed to break down after only a few hours of being left alone with her son. What was she going to do when Lord Grantham returned, and John was gone more? Would she be able to handle it?

Anna was pulled from her dark thoughts when she felt a soft, small hand rest on her leg. She looked down to see that William had pulled himself up in front of her, and was smiling up at her with the brightest expression she'd ever seen. Like sunshine breaking through a storm cloud, her son managed in that one moment to chase all the demons away. She returned his smile as he reached for her, and she gathered him into her arms. As he snuggled down into her shoulder she heard him release a contented sigh, and whisper "mama" before he fell asleep in her arms. Anna felt the tears burn behind her eyes before making a trail down her cheeks, but this time they were tears of pure joy. For the first time she felt proud to be this sweet, caring boy's mother. As she'd drifted off to sleep with him resting in her embrace she thought to herself that she must be doing something right.

John had come home later that night to find Anna and William asleep together on the settee. William nestled in the warmth of his mother's arms, and Anna clinging to him tightly. He woke Anna gently, and she cried again when she saw the tears in his eyes. His heart overflowing with love at such a sight.

As things began to get better for Anna in the way she saw herself as a mother, she was able to focus more on repairing her role as a wife. Not a single day had gone by where John didn't tell her how beautiful she was, or how much he loved her and she loved him all the more for that. However she had to take things one step at a time, and William was the priority. She'd told him as much, and he promised that he understood completely.

Anna had to admit that this was certainly the more daunting task. William was a baby; it was easier to repair a bond when the other person was an infant who loved you unconditionally, and had no preconceived notions. She knew John loved her, but she felt like she had a standard to live up to in their relationship. What if it wasn't the same as before? She certainly didn't look the same, but then…he knew that. These thoughts would plague her, but instead of brushing them aside like before she would talk to John, and let him reassure her.

Even with his reassurances, and vows of patience and devotion; she still had no idea where to begin when it came to reestablishing intimacy with her husband. Luckily for her however she'd married the perfect man, and he'd taken the step for her without even realizing it.

Anna had been preparing dinner the night John came in with the most gorgeous bouquet of flowers she'd ever seen. She couldn't keep the grin from taking over her face. She loved flowers, and he knew that.

"What are these beauties for?" She asked, as she got a vase down to put them in.

"Simply my way of showing you today how much I love you. These flowers may be beautiful, but they don't even come close to being as stunning as you." His voice was low, and laced with love. She felt herself blush for the first time in a long time, and took the flowers from his gentle hands.

Part of her wanted to argue, and say he was wrong, but that wouldn't help either of them. It was time to let herself be complimented, and feel beautiful again. And John certainly knew how to make her feel that way.

After placing the flowers in a vase she turned back to her husband who had taken his seat at the table. She sat down on his good leg, and wrapped her arms around his neck. She noticed the surprise on his face, but he quickly reined it in, and smiled up at her as she ran her fingers along his hairline.

"Thank you John." She whispered. She felt his hands come up to rest on her hips.

"Anything for you my darling. I'd give you the world if I could."

"You already have." She leaned down and caught his lips in a kiss that she hoped portrayed all the feelings she had inside that she couldn't quite express at the moment. As their tongues tangled together in a familiar dance she knew he was doing the same thing. Anna felt strangely out of practice, as well as out of her element. It had been months...almost a year...since they had been this intimate, and the realization made her suddenly uncomfortable. She pulled away quickly, leaving John wide-eyed, and concerned in his chair with his arms hanging by his sides.

"Anna, I'm sorry." She could tell by his voice that he was heaping the blame on himself.

"Please don't be sorry. You did nothing wrong, I just…It's going to take some time John. I'm the one who's sorry." She lowered her head, and turned away from the table. Within a split second she felt his arms around her, and settled back into his embrace.

"Let's agree that we're both sorry, even if neither of us feels the other should be." She could hear the smirk in his voice, and smiled.

"Agreed."

He turned her, and his expression was serious again. "Love, I know this isn't going to happen overnight. You need time….we need time. Which is why I've been thinking…"

"That's dangerous." She smirked, and John chuckled.

"There's my naughty girl. I've missed that sass." He winked before turning serious again. "Anna this is going to sound silly, but just hear me out. I want to court you….properly."

She took a moment to let that sink in. "Court me?"

"Yes."

"You want to court your wife….with our eight month old son tagging along?" She was smiling. She couldn't help but feel intrigued by this idea.

"Yes." He laughed. "Like I said I know it sounds silly, but….well I never had the chance to court you properly, and I thought this would be a good way for us to….reconnect. We can take things as slowly as you want Anna. It will all be in your time. Nothing will happen until you are ready for it to. I will wait for you forever, and simply enjoy any time I get to spend with you."

Somewhere during his speech he'd taken her hands in his, and was now squeezing them gently in a reassuring way. God, she loved this man. What husband would be willing to 'court' his wife in order to reconnect with her? She knew the answer to that question before she even thought it. There was only one, and his name was John Bates. She hugged him fiercely, and had to choke back a sob when he held her just as tightly. It took her a moment before she felt able to respond to him, but when she did she tried to pour as much love into her voice as she could.

"How did I get so lucky?" She whispered as she gazed into his eyes.

"I ask myself the same thing every day." He smiled down at her.

Anna ran her hand along his cheek. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, darling. Forever."

They stood in the other's embrace until William's frustrated hungry babbles broke the spell around them. With a laugh they separated, and worked together to warm their dinner back up.

Over the next month John managed to make her feel like the single most cherished person in the world. He showered her with flowers, and small gifts. They went on a few dates at Mrs. Hughes' insistence, and while they were out he held her arm in the crook of his like a real gentlemen. He lavished her with words of love and affection, but probably the most special part of their 'courtship' was the letters.

The day after he proposed the idea of courting her the letters had begun. Short little loves notes that he would leave around the cottage for her to find during the day. It quickly became the brightest part her day, finding these notes. As time went on they got longer, and more detailed.

Making use of his restless nights he would take in every detail of her as she slept, and record it down. She would wake the next morning to find his letters of how much he loved to watch her sleep. How he adored her gentle snoring, and the little faces she made while she dreamed. He would then ask her not to be upset by these things, that they were one of the many aspects of her that he found absolutely endearing. He would emphasize how much he loved the way her golden hair flowed over her shoulders when she slept with it down at his request.

On the nights when sleep didn't evade him she would find her letter in the afternoon. It usually pertained to something he'd seen her doing that morning; which was almost always her spending time with William. He would tell her what an amazing job she was doing with their son, and how watching her with him made him fall even more in love with her than he thought was possible.

One by one the letters managed to tear down every wall that she had built around herself in the past months; slowly but surely restoring her confidence, and rebuilding her faith in herself. Feelings and sensations began to return to her that she'd thought were long gone. She would look at her husband and feel the stirrings of desire. Watching him work outside in their garden, or seeing him interact with Will. Even something as simple as watching him drink his tea at night made her want him.

It frightened her at first, the intensity of her feelings for him, but as she slowly came back into her own she felt more secure in her desires. The insecurities lingered, and tried once again to taunt her, but it seemed like every time she thought she'd slipped back into it John would say or do something that banished the darkness.

She knew her husband would wait for her as long as she needed, but one bright morning exactly a month into their courting, after reading his letter for that day Anna knew it was time. She was ready to be with him again. She needed this confirmation of their love; to be as close to him as possible, and share in the pleasure they had been holding back from for too long. Tonight would be the night they reaffirmed their life together in the ultimate act of lovers. She quickly dressed, as she formulated a plan.

That afternoon Anna came in from working in the garden to find John asleep in his chair, and Will asleep on the floor in the middle of his toys. She smiled to herself, it was no wonder with all the playing the two had done that morning. John had put Will on his shoulders, and chugged around the garden like a train. She knew he'd regret it later when his knee flared up, but she hadn't the heart to reprimand him. She adored watching them together.

This is perfect, she thought to herself. She could carry out her plan now without any interference from him. Leaving John a note to tell him where they were, she pulled on her coat, and gently gathered Will in her arms. She sighed with relief when he didn't wake up, grabbed his bag she'd prepared, and made her way towards the Abbey.

She returned an hour later to find that John was still asleep. She gazed at him a moment. It was such a rare thing for her to be able to watch him sleep. His expression soft, and younger; his eyes fluttering with dreams she hoped were of her. She loved this man more than life itself, and she was ready to show him. She had a thought then, and quietly made her way up the stairs to their bedroom. She had to do a little digging in her drawer but eventually she found her silk chemise she'd bought in France. She saw the matching garter, but decided that was a little too racy for her right now. She changed quickly; sighing with relief when she removed the corset. She hesitated for a moment at her underwear. In the past when she wore this for him she would take them off, but she couldn't bring herself to do it this time. She knew that was silly; they'd be coming off eventually regardless, but leaving them on made her feel a little more reserved, and certainly more comfortable.

She was relieved when she discovered that the chemise still fit her; she'd been slightly worried that her wider form would have made it look odd on her. True it hugged her figure a little tighter than it had before, but this was her body now. And if he truly found her beautiful than she was sure he would love it on her now just as much as he did before.

She put on her dress, and made her way back down the stairs hoping he would still be sleeping. She smiled as she entered the sitting room and saw that he was. She tore up the note she'd left, and sat in the chair across from him with her knitting. She didn't have the heart to wake him. She'd waited this long, she could certainly wait a little longer….and he would need his rest. They had a lot of lost time to make up for.

She didn't have to wait long for him to wake up. She looked up from her work just as his eyes fluttered open. He looked down at the floor first before finding her across from him, and she smiled at the adorable confusion that spread across his face.

"Is Will napping?" He asked as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "I'm sorry I fell asleep."

"Quite alright, you two had a busy morning." She giggled to cover her nerves. They were alone, and he had no idea what was ahead of him tonight. She took a deep breath before she went on. "William isn't here actually. I took him up to Mrs. Hughes."

"Oh, so he's spending the afternoon with her?" John sat himself up, and reached for his book. It wasn't uncommon for Will to visit with Mrs. Hughes in the afternoons so Anna needed to be clear that it was more than the usual visit.

"Well actually…" she let her words linger as she put her knitting down and made her way over to his chair. He looked up from his book slightly surprised as she settled herself on his lap. "William is staying with Mrs. Hughes overnight." She whispered the words seductively; taking the book from his now limp hand and laying it back on the side table. "I thought we could use some quality time together, and Mrs. Hughes was more than happy to oblige." John's eyes were still wider than saucers as she began to run her fingers through his hair.

He finally seemed to snap out of his haze, and she smiled as she felt his arms wrap around her and his hands settle on her waist. His touch lit a fire deep inside of her.

"Quality time, eh?" John's voice was low and rough which only stoked the fire further.

"Yes husband, I find that we have been severely lacking of late." Her words, while intended to be sensual, seemed to have broken the spell she had him under. She watched as his eyes shifted from dark desire to concern. He kept his grip firm around her, but the intensity was gone.

"Anna are you sure you're ready for this?" His voice was soft, and full of kind concern. As much as she wanted to be frustrated by his questioning her, she understood. It had been almost a year since they'd been together like this; a few months before William had been born. What if she couldn't please him anymore? What if it wasn't the same?

No. If it wasn't the same it would be because it was better than before. They had waited eight years before they married. Their love was not built on the physical, but on friendship, patience, and respect. They had spent the past three months since her breakdown rebuilding those aspects of their marriage, and now it was time for the final piece of their puzzle. They had been to hell and back together, and the journey had only strengthened the foundation on which their love was built.

She smiled down at her adoring, caring husband and gently ran her hand down his face. She could see the worry ease from his expression as he saw the confidence in her eyes, and he smiled back at her.

"I have never been more sure of anything in my life."

That was all it took for the dam to break. He caught her mouth in a flaming kiss, and in one swift motion stood up with her securely in his arms. She tried to protest as she realized that he was going to carry her up the stairs, but she was sufficiently distracted by the magic of his lips. Before she knew it he was laying her down on their bed in the broad daylight. The sunshine coming in through the windows made it painfully obvious that he was going to see every part of her very clearly. She felt her stomach clench, but tried to keep her doubts from ruining the moment. She managed to clear her expression before he pulled his shirt over his head and fixed his gaze on her again. However she never seemed to be able to fool him.

As if reading her mind John walked over, and drew the curtains shut. The room was still relatively well lit, but the shadow helped ease some of her worry. He laid down beside her, and ran his hand softly down the length of her body before kissing her again. She let herself get lost in the sensations; so foreign yet so familiar all at the same time. She was scared...terrified in fact, but this felt right. So right.

He pulled back, and their eyes locked.

"Anna love, if you feel at all uncomfortable at any time just say the word, and we'll stop. Promise me."

"I promise." She whispered.

With her promise lingering in the air between them John moved his hand up and slowly began to undo the buttons of her dress. She distracted herself from his actions by running her fingers through his chest hair; something she'd so missed doing. She was rewarded with a slight groan from him. She noticed he was fumbling slightly; he'd never struggled with undressing her before. She looked up then, and noticed he was rather flushed.

"Are you alright John?"

"Uhhh...yes. I'm fine." He swallowed hard. "Just having a bit of trouble with these buttons. I fear I'm somewhat out of practice." His laugh was a nervous one, and it made her heart swell with love for him.

"Would you like some help?" She asked softly.

"No no. I can manage." He winked at her. It wasn't lost on either of them the significance of that statement.

He became a little more confident as the buttons began to yield to him, and started to place soft open-mouthed kisses down her neck. She closed her eyes as his fingertips and tongue grazed her exposed skin lightly. She'd forgotten how wonderful this felt. When he finally had all the buttons undone she shifted her way out of the dress with his help; watching as he unceremoniously tossed it to the floor.

Her heart rate and breathing increased as he took in the sight of her laying there in her chemise. She found that she couldn't look at his face while he looked at her. Why did she have to be so embarrassed? She felt like she was on a wild ride of emotions; one minute feeling confident and sure, and the next terrified of how he how would feel when he saw her.

She was barely able to make out his words; so quiet that they seemed like a mere breath, but spoken with intense passion.

"My God, Anna. You're stunning."

She opened her eyes, and saw the adoration and deep desire that was pouring from her husband. Her breath caught, and she had to look away from him again. No matter how much she tried she couldn't get her heart to settle down.

She gasped and flinched ever so slightly when she felt his hand rest on her chest above her rapidly beating heart. She waited a moment thinking he was going to move further down, but when he didn't she shifted her eyes back to his.

"What are you doing?"

There was a heartbeat of silence before he answered her.

"Waiting for your heart to slow down. I don't want to continue if I know you're scared of me." There was a shred of pain in his voice, but it was overshadowed by concern for her.

She placed her hand over his, and took a deep breath. They both noticed that her heart began to calm.

"I'm not afraid of you John….just of what you'll think when you see me." There was a slight tremor in her voice, and she felt the tears burning behind her eyes. Her words were soft, but struck him as if she'd yelled them from the rooftops. He turned his hand, and laced their fingers together. He squeezed her hand gently before bringing it up and kissing it reverently.

"Anna there is nothing, absolutely nothing that could make me see you as anything less than beautiful, and perfect. I don't need to see your body to know that. It's just a simple fact. Would you love me less if my body changed?" She shook her head. "Of course not, so how can you expect that behaviour from me? My love, you carried and gave birth to our child. Of course that changed you, but darling, in my eyes, it only made you more perfect."

The tears broke free during his speech, and were flowing heavily. She could hardly believe what she was hearing. She'd never thought of it like that; that he saw her changes as signs of beauty marked by her giving him their son. All her doubts melted away like ice after a long winter. For the first time she felt proud of her body, and herself. She'd believed every reaffirming word he'd said to her over the past three months, and these were no different.

"Truly?" She whispered. Needing one last confirmation from him.

He smiled that smile that had made her weak from the very first day.

"Truly."

And with that one word they lost themselves in the overwhelming passion and joy of rediscovery.

Anna had never felt so content as she did in this moment laying in her husband's warm embrace; completely sated and satisfied. She played with John's chest hair as their legs threaded together, and his arm rested gently around her waist. She looked up to see that he was dozing off, and smiled. His hair was wild from where she'd grabbed it in the heat of the moment, and his lips were slightly swollen. There was a haze of post coital bliss that lingered around them, and Anna relished in it.

Even in the passionate days that followed his release from prison she didn't think they had experienced this level of pleasure. Thinking back on what had just happened between them she thought how silly she'd been for being afraid of what he would think.

John had worshipped her. Made her feel like she was the most attractive woman in the world, and to him she was. The thought made her blush. She closed her eyes and let her mind wander to all the ways he'd proved his undying desire for her this afternoon. He knew about all the parts of her she was uncomfortable about; she'd told him when they had their talk three months ago. She wasn't sure if he would remember, but she should have known better….this was her John after all.

After removing her chemise, and underwear he'd taken a moment to take her in. Her heart had picked back up in speed, but the sheer terror hadn't lasted long before her heart was racing for a far different reason. As he kissed his way over her body he'd lingered on every single part of her she'd been so frightened about. Every mark on her stomach he'd soothed and caressed with his heavenly lips and tongue. He'd praised her larger breasts, making sure she knew how much he adored them with his words before proving it with his hands and mouth. And when he'd finally made it to her hips he'd simply run his hands down her sides, cradling her in his large hands and whispered, "You're flawless Anna, absolutely flawless."

His sincere appreciation for her body broke through the dark clouds that had been surrounding her, and she was finally, at long last, able to reciprocate his ardor. They'd moved together with a practiced ease she feared had been forgotten. John brought her to the pinnacle of pleasure a few times before even thinking about seeking his own, and when they finally joined their bodies together it felt like coming home.

The pain had been piercing at first; the birth of a child, and so many months of his absence making it feel as if it were her wedding night all over again. John had stilled immediately, but with her encouragement continued on at a slow, easy pace. Luckily the pain didn't linger, and she was able to savor their reunion.

She couldn't keep count of how many times he'd whispered that he loved her as they moved as one. The tears fell heavily for both of them, and as each of them tried to kiss the others away they soon realized what these tears represented, and let them flow freely. This was it; this was the final healing step in their relationship. The last ray of light that was needed to completely banish the darkness from their lives for good. They hadn't let the demons win; they'd stood strong and fought together for their family, and for their love. Fear had no place in this moment; it was cast aside by the torrent of dedication, devotion, and adoration that was being exchanged as they made love to each other.

When they reached their end together they held each other tightly, and cried away the final remnants of pain. Their struggle was over.

Anna opened her eyes, and the first thing she realized was that John wasn't beside her. The next thing she noticed was that the room was significantly darker than it had been. She must have fallen asleep? It was no wonder with the physical, not to mention emotional exhaustion that came from what they'd shared earlier. She smiled as she brought her fingers to her still swollen lips.

She barely sat up in the bed before the bedroom door creaked open slowly, and her sweet husband poked his head in. His smile was radiant when he saw she was awake, and he continued in with a tray of food that was fit for a queen. He had on only his robe which was hanging loosely around him, and she felt her body heat yet again. Making up for lost time she supposed, and blushed.

He sat down on the bed next to her, placing the tray gently on the floor, and turned to her.

"How are you feeling, my love?" He caressed her leg through the sheet which didn't do anything to help her rising need for him. She placed her hand over his.

"I'd venture to say I've never felt better, Mr. Bates." She drug out his surname in the way she knew drove him crazy, and watched his eyes heat.

She understood now why he'd set the tray on the floor as he laid them both down. He kissed her with a fire she recognized, and his hand made its way under the sheet. However he stopped suddenly when she moved to undo his robe.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong love, I just…." She could see he was conflicted, and soothingly caressed his exposed chest until he finally met her eyes. "Anna I don't want you to feel like I have any expectations now that we've made love again. I don't expect things to go back to the way they were before right away. I need you to know that all of this is on your terms, and always will be."

Just when she thought she couldn't love this man anymore…. Her heart was so full in this moment, and all she could think to do to show him what she was feeling was kiss him senseless. She pulled back after several minutes, and met his loving eyes.

"I love you so much John, and there is nothing that I want more right now and for the rest of my life than to be in your arms."

His smile stole her breath away, and she giggled shamelessly as he took off his robe and joined her under the warmth of their sheets. The food, and all awareness of the outside world was put on hold for the rest of the night as they once again lost themselves in each other.