A/N: Sorry I took so long to update. I ended up reading the Hunger Games and it inspired a fic that was really time consuming, but I couldn't work on this with it rolling around my head. Speaking of which, the scene w/ Uriah is in no way HG inspired; I wrote it weeks before I even read that series and it's inspired by something I did in real life.
Anyway! The subject matter was something that was tough for me to write, personally, so it took longer than I planned, but hopefully there won't be such a lag between this and the next one. As always, I appreciate every single review, favourite, and follow; they are the best motivation to keep writing. Oh, and in kind of exciting news this fic has 60,000 views! I don't know if that's a lot for Divergent fics, but it's a lot more than any of my others so I feel sort of special.
And to my lovely Wee Kraken, I hope you are no longer swimming the Nyquil seas. This one's for you :)
As I watch Michael comes out of his landscape, shaking, sweating, looking as wasted as if he's been suffering an illness. But it doesn't stop him walking right up to Christina where she's leaning up against the wall on the opposite side of the room from me. I can't hear what they're saying, but from the way she blushes and looks down at her hands I can guess what he's asking her. And if her smile is anything to go by I know what her answer is.
Tobias walks out once the last trainee has gone through the landscape, leaning on the patch of wall in front of me, a small smile turning up his lips. "You know if you don't stop smiling Christina's going to be insufferable," I point out.
He smiles wider, reaching out and running a hand up my arm to my neck before leaning down to my ear. "I think she's pretty well occupied, but if she's going to talk anyway...," he trails off, pressing his lips to mine. "Has she been torturing you all morning? Making you spill your guts because she's still too much of a Candor?" He teases when he pulls away, slipping an arm around my shoulders as we weave our way towards the door.
"She doesn't need to," I snicker. "You still can't wipe that grin off your face."
"Well, you're just that good," he whispers in my ear, just for me to hear. I roll my eyes, but my cheeks still flame crimson at the reminder of how we spent our morning.
Just as we cross into the main room of the Pire there's a commotion, the mood shifting from celebratory - now that the last trainee has completed the landscape - to something apprehensive and fearful. For a second all I can think about is the lobby at Candor when the Erudite attacked, and the fact that people are pulling out guns and shouting only reinforces that.
Tobias cuts in front of me, craning his neck to look out the glass doors and I latch onto the back of his shirt unwilling to let him go. His arm shoots up and he waves to someone, and a second later Tori appears by our side. He reaches back, twisting his fingers into mine and leads me through the throng of people towards the front and out the doors.
Once we're clear of the crowd I can see three beat up trucks, Evelyn and Edward slipping out of one, a half dozen Factionless coming out of the others. I'm hyper-aware of the Dauntless behind us, guns drawn, and heaviness of the air, as if the tension between the two groups was a physical thing.
Evelyn doesn't even try to hide the sneer on her face at our linked hands. "We found who attacked you on the train," she says to Tobias, pointing to the bed of the truck. Edward flips back a tarp, revealing several bodies. " Nest of Erudite's up at the far north of the city," she explains.
"How convenient that they're all dead," Tobias says flatly.
"They fought back," Edward shrugs. "Left us no choice but to kill them."
Tobias' jaw tightens. I know what he wants to say. He wants to say there's always a choice. Instead he points to one of the bodies and says, "You the one who put that bullet hole in her chest?"
I follow the path of his finger. I don't recognize the girl at first. Her hair is knotted and ratty and her skin sallow, but after a minute I recognize her as Edward's ex-girlfriend, Myra. I look up at his face as much to see his reaction as to avoid vomiting at the sight of the blood and gore dripping out of the crater in her chest.
His mask of forced indifference slips for a moment, revealing not grief, but glee. "Yeah," he says and he has to work hard to keep the corners of his lips down so they don't turn up in a proud smile. He's more sickening than the bodies and for a moment I have to look away from the scene entirely.
"Guess that's one way to handle getting dumped," Tobias snaps, his voice reflecting the disgust I feel.
There's the rattle of metal as Edward makes a threatening move towards Tobias, but it's not the Dauntless guns lifting up to meet him that stops him, it's Evelyn's hand on his arm, as soothing and maternal as the voice she whispers in to him in to calm him down.
Tobias' eyes narrow at the pair of them. I can't say that I'm surprised. Edward has always been brutal, vicious, and vindictive, all qualities that Evelyn herself values and embodies. He is her perfect son, the one she always wanted Tobias to be through the war and ever since, the one Tobias never would be. Her flaunting it seems especially cruel though.
Once she's got her surrogate son under control she steps up to where Tori and Tobias and I are lined up in front of the Dauntless, effectively blocking me out of the conversation by using her body as a shield. "There's something else," she says quietly, leader-to-leader now that she's addressing her flesh-and-blood son.
Even though she's got her back to me it makes my skin crawl to be this close to her, not out of fear, but out of revulsion, the same way it would when faced with a particularly disgusting bug.
"We found Marcus' body." I can't see her expression or Tobias, but with the way his hand tightens around mine convulsively I don't need to see it. My heart gives an unpleasant lurch and I don't know if it's because I actually knew him, or because I feel guilty for not bringing him back to Dauntless the day we met in the church.
"It's a good thing it's been so cold," Edward scoffs where he's leaning up against the truck. "His skin's gone kinda chartreuse and he stinks, but if this had happened in the summer all we would have found was a puddle of goo wrapped in grey."
"Where is it?" Tobias' voice it tight and measured and he lets go of my hand to follow his mother and Edward to the back of another truck, Tori following in their wake. After a minute his eyes find mine and he nods, a movement so slight I'm probably the only one who notices it. His face is carefully empty of any emotion as he shares a few words with Evelyn, and then pushes his way through the crowd and back into the building.
I follow him, even though I'm not sure if he wants me to, and over the rumble of trucks coming to life again I hear Tori make the announcement to the Dauntless and refugees that have spilled out on the pavement.
By the time I catch up to Tobias he's walking through the door of the control room and I lock it behind us. When I turn around he's gripping the back of his desk chair, knuckles white and head bowed. I don't really know what to do or say so I walk up behind him and slip my arms around his waist tentatively. "I'm sorry," I say quietly, pressing myself against his back.
"Thank you," he murmurs back after a moment, laying one hand across mine where they're stacked on his stomach. "I need to...," he starts and then coughs to clear away the thickness in his throat. "There's some things I need to do before the banquet. I'll see you there?"
I recognize the dismissal for what it is and after a quick peck to the raven tattoo on his neck I slip out of the room. If he wants to be alone right now I can give him that.
xxxx
"Do you really think Myra was one of the people who attacked Four and killed Marcus?" Christina asks from the bathroom where she's applying a fresh face of makeup before changing clothes for the banquet.
I open my eyes, running my fingers through my hair as I lay draped across her bed, trying to sort out the thoughts in my head. This answer isn't one I have to give a lot of thought too though. "No."
"Me neither," she says, walking out and sifting through her closet, looking for something festive, I guess, or maybe just sexy since she's finally free to put the moves on Michael. "Aren't you going to change?"
I cut her a look that clearly tells her that's the last thing I'm going to do.
"Are you okay?" She asks, her face puckering into lines of worry.
A mirthless laugh bubbles up my throat and I hide behind my hands. "Do you think he blames me?"
"Who blames you for what?"
"Tobias. If I brought Marcus back with me that day he'd still be alive."
"I think he'd just be happy he's dead. I would be."
Of course she would be. She still lives in a world of black and white, not grey. Even though he never deserved it, if Tobias didn't love Marcus just a little he wouldn't have been such a permanent fixture in his fear landscape, wouldn't have been able to hurt him the way he had. No matter how much he hates his father there's still going to be a shred of grief there, the same way there is for me with Caleb.
"Kinda weird that Evelyn was the one who killed him, but I guess she had more reason than most." I look at her, cocking an eyebrow and asking for an explanation. "Ugh... they were all sketchy as hell. The only time Edward told the truth was when he was talking about Myra; it was the only time his hands were relaxed."
And there's the benefit of being born Candor. I had a sense that something was off, but Christina's eyes saw what I felt.
I groan, pushing myself up. "We're going to be late if we don't leave soon," I remind her.
The mood is subdued as we walk through the Pit and into the dining hall. There aren't any Abnegation around; they're probably off quietly mourning their fallen leader somewhere. I sit down next to Uriah and Zeke where they're perched on top of one of the tables, the former handing me a brown bottle of alcohol and squeezing my shoulder reassuringly.
"That's disgusting," I say after taking a sip.
Zeke laughs, loud and booming, his face already flushed from drinking. "Told you beer tastes like horse piss," he says to Uriah.
"And how would you know?" He shoots back, a smirk tilting up one corner of his mouth.
Zeke ignores the jibe. "Here, Tris, try this."
He hands me a cup full of cranberry juice. It burns on the way down on the way it never did in Abnegation, but it's not bad. "What's in it?"
"Secret recipe," Zeke says.
"So adding a little vodka to cranberry juice is a 'secret recipe' now?" Uriah scoffs.
I laugh a little, despite everything. It's so easy being around Zeke and Uriah.
As the crowd grows restless and impatient there's the screech of a microphone being turned on and all eyes fall of Tori, flanked by Tobias and Harrison. She gives a short speech, explaining the differences between what our trainees went through and Dauntless' old initiation process. I feel like hiding behind Uriah when she makes Christina and I stand up for a round of applause, but something like pride crosses Tobias' face as he claps and it goes a long way to unraveling the nervous knot in my chest.
Once she finishes her spiel the rankings are revealed, shouts going up from the friends of the people who did well. Most everyone is planning on getting completely trashed tonight, and after the day I've had I can certainly see the appeal, but it's just not who I am. Drinking to forget something that will still be there in the morning seems so pointless.
I see Tobias slip out of the door, and I can at least understand that. I load a plate with slices of pizza and follow him out, though I am waylaid by trainees asking about what kind of jobs they're now eligible for and a dozen or so people I barely know asking me to pass on their condolences to Tobias.
Tobias isn't at our favourite spot at the bottom of the Chasm, or the Control Room and when I walk into our apartment to find it dark and empty I can only assume he's going through his fear landscape. It seems like the height of masochism to do it tonight of all nights, but there's nothing I can do to stop him. I eat a slice of pizza, put the rest in the fridge and crawl in bed simply because I don't have the motivation to do anything else.
An hour later I'm still laying there in the dark when I hear Tobias come in. He leans against the doorway to the bedroom. "You asleep?" He asks quietly.
"No." Still, he treads lightly across the floor and sits down gently on the edge of the bed. "I brought some pizza home if you're hungry."
"I'm okay."
"So is he still in your landscape?"
"How did you...?"
"I couldn't find you. I figured thats where you were."
"Yeah, he is." He sighs heavily and rubs at his face. "I feel like I'm never going to be free of him," he chokes out, shoulders heaving with the effort of suppressing his frustration and grief.
I pull him down next to me, wrapping him in my arms protectively because I don't know what else to do, because it's what he did for me after my parents died. His hands knot into the back of my shirt as he clutches at me, face buried against my chest. And it hurts me listening to him cry, feeling him shake against me. It makes me feel impotent that the best I can do is this, silently holding him through whatever pain he's feeling, pain that I will never fully understand because we grew up so differently.
By the time he finishes my shirt is wet and his voice is hoarse, but we both ignore those things. "I'm sorry," he says, pushing me away to wipe at his face in embarrassment.
"Hey," I grab his hand and reach out to wipe his face myself. "It's...," I stumble awkwardly looking for the right words. "I don't want you to hide it from me."
"I know, I just hate how fucking weak it makes me."
"It doesn't make you weak, it makes you human. More human than that creep Edward," I snap before I can stop myself.
I wish I could reel the words back in, the last thing Tobias needs right now is a reminder of Evelyn andte one more parent whose standards he couldn't meet, but he frames my face with his hands and gently presses his lips to mine.
"So...," Uriah says as he pulls back the string on his bow. "What do you think of this Michael guy?" There's a snap and low whistle before his arrow impacts at the edge of the target with a dull thud.
I let my shot fly, and it hits the bullseye. Again. Uriah scowls at me. After the initial awkwardness it only took me a few tries to hit my target with ease, much to his annoyance. "Are you jealous? About Michael, not your sad attempts to outdo me," I tease.
He knocks into my side, playfully. "No, not really. It's just weird, you know? It's not like she's my girlfriend and we broke up."
"I wouldn't know, actually," I say as I shoot another arrow.
He chuckles to himself. "No, I guess you wouldn't. Yes! Finally!" He shouts as he hits the bullseye himself. He turns to look at me, smug smile breaking across his face. I wipe it off with another shot. "Showoff," he mutters, going to retrieve the arrows so we can start all over again.
"Explain it to me?"
His eyebrows shoot up. "Really?"
"You wouldn't have brought it up if unless you wanted to talk about it, so, talk about it."
He sighs, collecting his thoughts as he strings another arrow. "If I think about it, I don't want to be with her. We've been friends for a year and sleeping together for months and if I was going to fall for her I would have by now. But all my experience up to now has been... different. I just don't know how to deal with her finding someone new."
His arrow hits the upper left side of the target and he swears under his breath. "Like my brain is telling me I should be jealous and sad, but my heart is just like 'whatever' about it. I mean I miss her, but that's mostly because-"
"Stop talking," I say hastily, cutting him off before I learn even more about what went on between him and Christina; frankly, I've heard enough from her to last a lifetime.
"You're still so modest; it's adorable," he teases.
"Shut up, or I'll shoot you next."
The door opens behind us and Tobias slips inside.
"Your girlfriend is terrifying," Uriah smirks as Tobias slips in the door of the training room. He chuckles to himself, but doesn't say anything, just leans against the wall and watches as I put another arrow into the center of the target. "Seriously, never used bow before and after four shots she's hitting the center ring every time."
"Come on, I need you guys upstairs," Tobias says gravely, in complete contrast to Uriah's joking.
Uriah gives me a look, asking silent questions, but I just shake my head. I have no idea what's going on with the leadership. Every time I've asked Tobias he's told me he would tell me when he knew more.
"So what do you think of the bows?" He asks as we walk through the Pit.
"They're good; very quiet," Uriah answers before I can.
"Lethal?"
"Could be, I guess. I'd rather use a gun though."
The elevator ride up to Tori's apartment is a quiet one. I'm surprised by how many people are waiting for us though. Tori, of course, and Harrison sitting next to Liam on the couch and talking to Bud. Zeke and Shauna are there too, along with Christina and Cara. There's three other people I recognize from around the compound, but I don't know their names; they look to be about Tori's age. There aren't enough seats, so Tobias and I lean against the kitchen counter.
"I know you're all wondering what you're doing here," Tori starts once everyone quiets down. "The simple answer is that we want to find people to venture outside the fence. Harrison and Four and I trust you all, and we want your input before we do anything though."
"What's the long answer?" Bud asks.
"For all we know it's a suicide mission," Tobias says, pushing himself away from the counter to address the room at large. He goes on to catalog all the things we don't know, the dangers they might face. There's a whole series of booby-traps outside the fence that we didn't know existed before, information he pulled off Amity's computers while he was getting rid of the virus. The only question he can't answer is why we need to do it, why we need to leave, at least to anybodies satisfaction, even mine.
Eventually the room goes quiet, people furrowing their brows and chewing on their lips as they mull the situation over. It's one of the people I don't know who asks the question I want to. "So what do you want from us? Volunteers?"
"If you want to, I don't think anyone would object," Harrison says. "But what we really want is your advice and your help. We can't send just anybody and we need to prepare them as much as possible for whatever they might face." He quickly runs down the list of skills they'll need, the type of personalities he and Tori and Tobias think will fare best out in the unknown. It becomes clear the reason Christina and I are there, they're hoping we'll oversee the extra training whoever is chosen will have to go through before they leave.
Names are bantered about, some I know, some I don't. To my surprise Uriah puts forward his name, and is immediately shot down by Zeke. He grouses that unlike his brother he has no reason to stay behind, but his cavalier attitude about it, like it's some big adventure rubs me the wrong way too.
By the time we break up for dinner nothing has been decided, and Tori asks us all to meet again in a few days when we've all had a chance to think about it. "Do you want to go downstairs to eat?" I ask Tobias as head towards the elevator.
"I'd rather stay in," he says. I'm not surprised by it. He hasn't said anything more about Marcus, but he's been avoiding people as much as possible, and when he's around them is quicker to anger. His nightmares have been worse too, bad enough that his thrashing and yelling wakes us both us several times a night. He's offered more than once to sleep on the couch, but I won't let him. I don't really know why, other than it feels like defeat to let him.
Once we're in the privacy of our apartment he starts pulling food from the fridge, cooking dinner to assuage his guilt at keeping me up with his nightmares. "Sit," he says when I try to help, shooing me to the couch.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't know if I'd find anything on Amity's computers, and Tori and Harrison and I agreed not to tell anyone anything until we knew more." There's the scrape of a pan and then the click as the stove comes to life. "If it makes you feel any better Liam was kept in the dark too."
It doesn't, not really, though I know it should. And it takes me until he finishes cooking dinner to figure out why. The plate of chicken and vegetables he sets in front of me is simple, but it feels like home. He stabs at his carrots, neatly spearing a stack of them on the tines of his fork. "Do you want to leave?" I finally ask him. "You said before that you were planning on leaving Dauntless."
He goes completely still for a moment, eyes refusing to meet mine. "I stopped running when I met you," he says quietly.
I can't help gaping at him. Tobias isn't a romantic, but sometimes he says things like this and it makes me feel like my body is too small to hold all the love I have for him. There's nothing I can say to his confession that won't seem trite, so instead I lace my fingers through his, giving his hand a firm squeeze. He seems to understand what I'm trying to say.
"Are you very tired?" He asks when we finish, setting our dirty plates on the coffee table and pulling me into his lap.
"Depends on what you have in mind. I don't think I'm up for climbing any Ferris wheels tonight."
His chuckle is low and throaty and even before he starts kissing my neck I know that's not even remotely close to what he has in mind.