A/N: So this goes from fluffy and sweet, to angsty and sad, to smutty and (possibly) controversial. Needless to say it's long. And I am truly sorry these updates are taking so long. The only defense I have is that these chapters are sad for me to write. Wrapping this up is like saying goodbye to my best friend. I'm drawing it out because I don't want it to be over. Still, thank you every who is still reviewing, following, and favouriting this. I read every review and they're great motivation.
Tobias and I haven't even known each other a year, have been together and lived together even less, but some things feel age old, immutable, like the scent of his skin. It's warm and masculine and unlike anything else I've ever smelled. It's not his soap or his shampoo, it's him, in origin and definition; home and comfort and desire.
I press closer to him, try to work myself into the skin of his neck which is softer than anyone would guess. Tobias' fingers thread into my hair, holding me to him, a contented sigh slipping past his lips. I will have this forever. If I think about that in terms of months and years and decades it's terrifying. But if all I think about is never having to give it up it's... I don't have a word for it. Elating, maybe. Whatever the opposite of terrifying is, definitely.
I don't know if we ever really got to sleep last night, but I feel more invigorated than I ever have after a night of being awake. Listening to Tobias tell me more about how he found this place, his plans for living here and being self-sufficient, how he thinks that's what our society should look like was more restful than sleeping probably would have been in a big, strange house. And with my eyes closed and his voice filling my ears I could just imagine that kind of life, see the beauty in it he sees despite the dangers.
Neither of us know if that's really possible anymore. If there are enemies without as well as within being so far from the safety that numbers provide would do nothing but make us easier to kill. But with him so close it's easy to steer away from that line of thought, or any line of thought that reminds me that my forever could be counted in hours and days.
"We should get up," Tobias murmurs into my hair, but makes no move to do so. If anything his arms hold me tighter against him. Immediately after he says it a gust of wind howls around the house, like mother nature wants us to stay right where we are as much as we do. "Or not," he chuckles softly.
This feels immutable too, his mood. I don't know if either of us could be described as 'morning people', but Tobias is playful and happy this time of day like he isn't at others. At night he's tired and quiet and sullen, but in the morning he's still the boy that told me he'd only come to my funeral if they served cake. His humor this morning is more soft than sarcastic, but it's there.
I prop myself up on his chest, pull myself forward to slant my lips against his. His kisses are just like his humor. I let him fit his hands to my hips, pull me on top of him. The rasping scuffle of our clothes against the nylon of our sleeping bags sounds far away in contrast to how close he feels. Everything feels far away when we're like this. Our past and future seem insubstantial with his hands splayed across my back and his lips molded to mine. I'm glad we waited to have sex, but even if we didn't, even we had slept together in Amity, I don't think it would have changed where we are now.
I kiss across his cheek, down his jaw to the space where his shoulder meets his neck that is my safe haven. "What are we going to tell people when we get back?" I'm so close that I feel my breath clinging to him.
He doesn't need me to explain what I mean. The one thing we didn't talk about was the ring he put on my finger as soon as we laid back down together. Maybe he didn't think of anything beyond getting me to say yes, but that would be very unlike him. More probably he has been waiting for me to bring it up.
His fingers trace up my spine idly, making me shiver. "Even if we don't tell anyone anything you have a terrible poker face, Tris," he teases. "Christina will take one look at you and it will all be over."
"Shut up," I say back with teasing indignation, shifting to move off of him, but his arms cinch tight around me, holding me in place.
"We'll tell them," he says hastily. "Our friends, and they'll be obnoxious about it for a while, and everyone in Dauntless will gossip about it, and Christina will torture you about wedding dresses, but once they finally get it out of their systems they'll just be happy for us. So we'll tell them." His voice should be annoyed given his words, but it's not. He's not deliriously happy - it's not who he is -, but even if it's not that kind of happiness his voice is full of contentment and hope because even though our future could be short and bleak we still have this bright spot, still have each other.
The alarm sounds on Tobias' watch and we both groan as I roll off of him. He kisses me quickly and disappears upstairs, off to make sure the patrol of the fence passes when it should. "You know it's not just going to be the dress," I say when he comes back. "With Christina, I mean. She'll want to make it a huge deal, all of it."
"You can always say no to her, Tris," Tobias points out, dropping down next to me to throw a fresh log into the fireplace and stoke the flames so we can cook breakfast. We hard-boil eggs in a small pot of water, and carry them up to the third floor still inside it so they stay warm while we eat crackers and dried fruit. It doesn't seem like much, but I can imagine the eggs would be a luxury for whoever we're sending outside the fence.
The weather gets worse the longer we sit at the window, flurries of snow blowing past, at first occasionally and then more consistently. There are even times we can't see the fence at all.
Despite that we linger as long as we can over breakfast, not because we're trying to be thorough in the job we're supposed to be doing here, but because this place is untouched by our war. We have no memories of fear or loss of pain, only happiness, and it's so rare for us I think we're both a little unwilling to let it go.
But eventually we do leave. We take a different route back to the train, avoiding the fence and passing out of the neighborhood on the street and into the crumbing fringes of the city that reach out to embrace it, trusting the snow to hide whatever evidence of our presence we are leaving in our wake. I'm still anxious though. The snow offers us some concealment, but it's a double-edged sword. If someone is watching us we can't see them either. When we jump on the train I feel some relief, but I don't let myself give into it fully until the last of the teams join us.
It's only then that Tobias relaxes too, and though I don't often think about it, it reminds me that though he never wanted to be a leader, he is a good one. He values the people in our faction, worries about them, wouldn't send them into anything he wouldn't put himself in the middle of too. He is selfless, and he is brave. I lean over and kiss him, and when he wraps his arm around my shoulders I can practically feel the relief that everyone is coming home safe radiating off of him.
Harrison is waiting for us when we arrive, but in the absence in of any information that requires immediate action he tells us all to go home and rest for a few hours before we meet at Tori's with everyone else involved in this project. We go upstairs and share a shower, barely bothering to pull on t-shirts and underwear before we fall into bed. I watch the snow fall past our window, my left hand over Tobias' heart while he toys with the ring on my finger.
I must fall asleep at some point because the next thing I know Tobias is shaking me awake, reminding me we have a meeting to get to. I pull on clothes blindly and stumble to the bathroom. He comes up behind me while I stand in front of the mirror, pulling a brush through my hair, and rests his hands on my shoulders.
"You ready?" I know what he's asking me. He's asking me if I'm ready for Christina and Zeke, ready for all the attention this is going to bring no matter how fleeting it is. He's asking me if I'm sure I want it, want him.
I look at our reflections. We still wear black but but there are parts of us that are, and will probably always be, Abnegation grey. It's who we are, why we understand each other even if we don't always agree. But it's not why we love each other, if it were there are plenty of Abnegation turned Dauntless around that could fit into those puzzle-piece parts of us now. I don't know if I can define love, or explain it, but I know what it feels like, know if anyone tried to take Tobias away from me I would burn the world down to get him back. I know he would do the same for me, maybe already has in a way.
"I'm ready." My voice is steady and certain because I am. I lace my fingers through his and lead us out of the bathroom, and out of our apartment.
We decide in the elevator to wait until the end of the meeting to say anything about our engagement. At first it seems to be going to plan. Everyone is so caught up greeting each other and helping themselves the food arranged on Tori's kitchen table that they don't notice the ring on my finger. And why would they? Tobias and I seem hyper-aware of it, but it's small and delicate, pretty without calling attention to itself, and though our friends will share in our happiness, it's not like it changes their lives like it does ours.
Of course all that goes right out the window the minute Christina slips through the door. She's nearly twenty minutes late, and looks uncharacteristically flushed and flustered, a secret smile she can't seem to shake turning up the corners of her lips. She shoots Uriah an apologetic look at interrupting his report on what's going on in the eastern part of the city, but she can't seem to shake that smile no matter how hard she tries.
She tip-toes across the room, ignoring the glare she's getting from Tori and makes a beeline for the table to snag a piece of pizza. She's just looking up to meet my gaze when her eyes snag on my arm where it's slung around Tobias' waist as we lean against the wall. For second her expression goes completely blank, but before I hide my hand she says, "what the hell is that?" so loudly, and in such a shocked tone, everyone in the room turns their attention to her, then to me.
The only thing I can think is, not now, not now, not now. But before either Tobias or I can do anything to stop her she's pushing him out of her way and grabbing my hand in a vice-like grip.
"You got engaged?" She's practically vibrating with excitement, her eyes wide.
"Um... yeah," I say, my voice reflecting how awkward I feel as everyone's gaze pins me in place. A second later she knocks the wind out of me with the force of her hug, a barrage of questions flying past her lips. I don't catch even half of them because all I can focus on is that I can't breathe.
I look up helplessly at Tobias, but he's doing his best not to laugh at me, and Christina's enthusiastic response. I still manage to smirk at him when Zeke grabs him from behind in a headlock, twisting him in half as he congratulates him and demands to know why he was left out of the loop. Apparently Tobias didn't tell anyone his plans.
I poke Christina in the side, my voice strained as I eek out, "can't breathe, Christina." It still takes her a minute to let go, but when she does Uriah's there to pull me into a hug, offering his congratulations too. Thankfully he doesn't strangle me in the process.
After that it's just a blur of faces and voices. I get hugs and Tobias is on the receiving end of so many slaps on the back I'm sure he'll have a bruise. It takes a while for things to settle down again, though I can tell Christina's attention never really focuses on the meeting; she's just killing time until she can start in on the questions I ignored before.
The meeting actually is important though. We make a tentative timeline for sending our groups over the fence, long enough that the temperatures won't be freezing at night, which also gives us time to train them. And we decide the training will be much like the old initiation in that we will have a larger group of people than we need, and will select the best suited from among them. Over the last few weeks we have decided on a list of candidates that is twenty-five people long - double what we will need - it is voluntary, and there is the possibility that none of those people will be interested in volunteering. If that is the case we'll appeal to the faction at large, but for now it's best to keep it under wraps since we don't want it to be general knowledge.
Cara wraps everything up with a series of questions about the equipment she sent with us, studiously taking notes about our suggestions for improvements or other gadgets that might be useful.
As much to avoid Christina and her invasive questioning than anything else I help clean up as people start to drift out the door. I know it's not going to be enough so as soon as we're strictly among friends I ask her why she was so late.
"I lost track of time," she says briskly, brushing me off. "So how long do we have to shop for a dress?" She asks, a brilliant smile lighting up her face.
"Um... I don't know." I look at Tobias, silently asking him questions because we haven't discussed the practicalities of this.
He shrugs. "We can do it right now if you want."
"When did you get so freakin' cute?" Christina croons at him.
"What? I wouldn't ask her if I wasn't ready," he defends himself. "I don't see the point in asking a girl to marry you if you don't mean it."
"You should have seen him before they got together," Zeke joins in. "He pined for her. Used to watch her across the cafeteria with big puppy dog eyes. It was fucking adorable."
"Would you shut up," Tobias snaps, more embarrassed than angry.
Zeke holds his hands up in surrender. "Hey, I'm just sayin'," he smirks before turning to Christina again, intent on extending this embarrassment. "You know how many nights I spent listening to him grill Shauna about what it meant when Tris looked at him in some way? I thought it would never end. Oh my God," he guffaws, his eyes turning towards Shauna. "Do you remember the day she grabbed his hand in the training room?"
"That's it," Tobias says, pushing himself to his feet and tackling Zeke. And because this is Dauntless all any of us do is move the coffee table out of the way as we laugh at them.
True to my prediction Christina is trying to make a big deal out of everything related to my impending wedding. Some things - like when it will happen - are decided on, but that isn't enough for her, and to spare myself another meal spent talking about details I find insignificant and she finds essential I slip away to have lunch with Tobias.
The Control Room is dark and cool and calm like always. Tobias is hunched over his keyboard tapping away furiously like always, too. He leans back in his chair, tipping his head against my stomach as I lean over it to kiss him, a small smile breaking the look of intense concentration on his face for a moment before he turns back to his work.
With one final keystroke he turns towards me as I pull a chair over and set our lunch on his desk. "What was it today? More dresses?"
I shake my head. "Flowers."
"That reminds me, Tori was here earlier, she suggested we could have the ceremony in the Dauntless garden." Normally weddings occur at the Chasm just like funerals, but Tobias and I want it to be just us and our friends - surrogate family, really - and not the entire faction.
"Dauntless has a garden?" I scoff.
"Yeah. Top of the Pire." He opens his desk drawer and pulls out a small key. "Accessible to leader's only." I pick up the key as I eat, twisting it between my fingers and trying to imagine Max and Eric plotting the murder of an entire faction while surrounded by sweet smelling flowers, but it's too incongruous for my mind to wrap around. "Are you okay?"
I look up to find Tobias watching me, a tiny furrow pucking his brow. "I'm fine, why?"
He sighs and sets his lunch down, watching me narrowly. "Caleb's trial is in a few days."
All I can say to that is, "oh," but suddenly my sandwich is tasteless and dry.
"I thought someone might have told you before I could."
"No. No one has said anything to me about it," I say, setting my food down.
"Do you want to go?"
"I didn't really think that was an option," I stutter out, surprised by his offer. So far the only place I've been allowed to go after my 'death' has been Amity. The only other time we've talked about me going out in public - to the war memorial - has ended in a fight.
"There's a balcony in the courtroom. Not a lot of people sit there, but not so few it would draw attention. If we get there early, we can sneak in and out." I turn the idea over, wondering if I really want to witness what will most likely be my brother's last few hours alive. There are still questions I want answered, ones that he will probably have to face under truth serum, but the idea of watching it makes my stomach knot sickeningly. "You don't have to decide today," Tobias says carefully, "but either way I'm going."
My eyes snap up to his. As far as I know he hasn't gone to a single trial since they began, but I guess it's different for him with Caleb. And though I wish I was ignorant of the reason, I'm not. If Marcus had been put on trial for all the things he did to Tobias I would have be there, sitting in the front row where he couldn't ignore me or my triumph at his finally receiving his comeuppance for all the awful things he'd done.
Tobias finishes his launch in silence, eyes flicking to mine every so often as he eats. When he wipes the last of the crumbs off his hands he asks if I want to go up to see the garden. I guess it's his way of cheering me up, or maybe just distracting me, so I shrug my shoulders and push myself to my feet. He key fits into a tiny slot under the panel of numbered buttons in the elevator, and as we go up and up I realize I've never been this high in the Pire.
"Have you been here before?" My voice sounds hoarse and croaky, and I have to cough out the thickness to get the question out.
"Just once. Right after my initiation Max brought me up here, trying to change my mind about joining the leadership."
"With a garden?" I can't quite keep the incredulousness out my tone and Tobias smirks at me over his shoulder. It's not so much the garden as the idea that Tobias would be swayed by any special privileges he might get for accepting Max's offer.
"It's not just that, but yeah," he chuckles. "I guess it was more a test than anything, see if there actually was a way to bribe me. His apartment is the floor right under it, he showed me that too."
"I thought all the fancy leadership apartments were on the same floor as Uriah's? Didn't they take Eric's old one?"
"They are, but the apartment for the most senior leader is special," he shrugs. "A whole floor to itself, and all kinds of unique features like it's own lap pool and a dumbwaiter for the kitchen to send food up so they wouldn't have to eat with the rest of us. You know, they're the only ones who didn't have to leave the faction when they got too old to be useful. Must have sucked going from the lap of luxury to some hole in the Pit though."
A chime sounds and the elevator doors slide back. My eyes immediately fall on an intricate black gate that bars our path. A plaque with a skull and crossbones proclaiming 'These Plants Can Kill' in bold, unmistakable lettering adorns it.
I cock my eyebrow at Tobias questioningly, and push the gate open to find myself in a poison garden, full of hemlock and nightshade, belladonna and aquilegia, opium poppies and wormwood plants. Deceptively beautiful, decidedly deadly. A Dauntless garden. Even the laburnum trees that have been trained into an arch and trail tendrils of pretty yellow flowers are toxic enough to cause convulsions and comas.
Still, it is beautiful, enchanting even, and despite the icy sky outside in here it feels like summer. The air is warm and fragrant, and if not for the dome of glass you would never know you're inside. There are paths that lead through it, moss growing up in a soft carpet between each carefully laid stone, and the burble of falling water from unobtrusive fountains that more resemble natural springs than anything else creates a soothing soundtrack.
Tobias and I walk through it hand in hand. The height doesn't seem to bother him, but the sides of the building are artfully hidden behind tall plants, so it's hard to judge just how far off the ground you truly are. I'm not sure if I like the symbolism of being married here, but I prefer it to the Pit or the dining hall or our apartment, which are our only other options.
"You better hold onto the key," Tobias says as we make our way back to the elevator. "I'm sure Christina will want to see it too."
I elbow him in the side, but all it does is make him laugh. We spend the rest of the afternoon with Tori, Harrison, and Christina, interviewing the people we've selected to go outside the fence. Some aren't interested, but most are at least curious enough to consider it. It's consuming work that carries us to dinner time, and allows me to push thoughts of Caleb from my mind.
And they stay out of it until Susan approaches us in the cafeteria, looking sheepish and shy as she walks up to the table we're all ensconced at, Zeke and Uriah and the rest our friends filling up the empty seats. Like everyone else she congratulates Tobias and I, and even asks to see the ring. She is truly happy for us, but there's still a sadness that lingers behind her eyes, and once she's sure the rest of my table has turned their attention back to dinner she asks about Caleb.
Immediately I feel bad for being so happy. It must seem perverse and cruel to her to be flaunting it in her face. I get to marry the boy I love, while all she gets to do is watch the one she loves die. When I tell her I won't be going to his trial she says goodbye and drifts out, a look of distraction on her face.
Tobias reaches out, looping an arm around my waist to pull me flush with him, and it makes me feel a little better, but after that Caleb haunts me, hovering in the back of my mind during my waking hours, and starring in my dreams in my sleeping ones. The night before the trial Tobias asks me again if I would like to go, but I shake my head no, and crawl under the covers without another word. In the morning, when he wakes up early I pretend to be asleep, and ignore the kiss his presses to my shoulder before leaving.
I flop onto my back and stare at the ceiling for a long long time, absently running my fingers through my hair. There are things I need to do today, even things I don't necessarily need to do that could provide something of a distraction, but I know my head will be at the Hub, and maybe my heart too. Automatically, I rise from the bed, pull on clothes and walk out the door. Tobias would be furious with me he knew what I was doing, and as I jump on the train, as more people in every color of clothing join me on it while we wind through the city, I try to ignore the voice that sounds like his ringing in my ears, scolding me for doing something so dangerous for someone so undeserving.
My heart hammers in my chest painfully as I carefully pick my way across the ice-caked street surrounding the Hub. I don't know exactly where to go, but I let the crowd surrounding me carry me into the lobby, to the elevator and to the door marked 'courtroom'. It's only now that I hesitate, unsure of how to get to the balcony. It doesn't take me long to locate the second door that leads to it further down the hall.
As Tobias said there are a few people sitting here, but with my hood pulled up and seated in the shadows they don't pay me any special attention. Caleb is led in just as I'm sitting down. His hands are shackled together and there's a guard holding onto each of his arms, but he looks so downtrodden I can't imagine he would try to run or fight back. They seat him in a chair in the middle of the court. There are four tables in a semicircle in front of him, each one containing the representatives from Abnegation, Candor, Dauntless, and the Factionless. They are separated from the audience by a waist-high rail.
Though I try not to my eyes immediately search out Tobias, and he's not hard to find. He's in the front row, sitting behind the Dauntless jurors. I can't hear what he is saying, but I see him lean forward and talk to one of them before Niles injects Caleb with a dose of truth serum and calls for silence. A wave of deja vu sweeps over me as he asks Caleb to state his full name, parents names, faction of birth, and faction he transferred to.
Unlike Tobias and I, Caleb does not - cannot - fight the serum. For a split second I pity him. It must be awful to listen to your own voice incriminate you with no way to stem the flow of words. And then Niles asks him what he meant when he said he was always Erudite, even when he was supposed to be Abnegation.
"A year before I transferred, I was pulled aside at school. One of my teachers had taken note of how Erudite I was." A small smile turns up his lips, but his voice is flat monotone, unresisting. "He asked if that was where I planned to transfer to. We became friendly."
"And you were friends? Is that all there was to it?" Niles voice is rich and sonorous. The complete opposite of Caleb's.
"No. I knew he was looking for information, things he could use against Abengation, like Marcus Eaton abusing his son. He never said so, but I knew."
"And what did you tell him?"
"Nothing. My parents didn't abuse me or my sister or each other, and they didn't talk about their jobs at home. At least not where I could overhear them."
Niles rifles through the papers in front of him, seemingly accepting of the answers to his questions before moving on to another set of them. "I want you to tell me about your initiation into Erudite," he eventually says, sitting back comfortably in his chair as Caleb's voice once again echoes through the room.
He tells Niles about his first days there, meeting the other initiates and choosing a topic for the research that he would be judged on before being admitted to the faction. He even speaks of me coming to visit him, and his worry that it would get him thrown out before he was even able to join them. Still, there must be nothing remarkable about his initiation because Niles lets him talk uninterrupted until he gets to the night of the simulation attack.
"Why were you in the Abengation sector that night?"
I scoot to the edge of my seat, leaning forward so that I don't miss a word of his response, and feeling sick at what it might be. "I found out about the attack. I tried to warn them," he says simply. I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding, but before I can do more than that Caleb's eyes reel around the room, a look of hysteria overtaking his features despite the heavy cloud of truth serum weighing him down. "I didn't know," he says emphatically. "I didn't know what was at stake, how important it was that the Erudite get their data. If I had known I would never have interfered."
As the realization of what he means sinks in I have to swallow back the bile in my throat. If he knew the reason for the attack he wouldn't have tried to save anyone. Not our parents. Not our friends. Not our neighbors. Not me. No one. He truly is Erudite.
"When did you find out 'what was at stake'," Niles asks him evenly.
"Not until later," he says, briefly recounting our journey from the Abnegation sector to Dauntless, and then Amity and having to flee from there as well. After Tobias and I left for Candor Caleb was scooped up by traitor Dauntless not far from the Factionless safe house. "They took me to Jeanine. She told me about how the Abnegation planned to use the Divergent's to destroy our society."
"And you believed her?"
"Not at first. Not until she showed me her research and the video of Amanda Ritter."
How very Erudite of you, I can't help thinking. Even the voice in my head is disgusted with him. Ignorant of my silent, scathing commentary he presses on.
"After that she told me I was in a unique position. I thought she was going to ask me to spy on them, but she didn't."
"What did she ask you to do?"
"To find my sister Beatrice and spy on her and the other Dauntless who fled after the simulation attack. To find more Divergent's among them if I could and keep her informed on what their plans were; if they were going to attack Erudite."
"And you did?"
"Yes. Until they returned to the Pire." There is no remorse in Caleb's voice and though I want to believe that is the fault of the truth serum, I know it's not. It subdues your emotions, it doesn't erase them, even if you can't decide what to say under its influence.
He tells the court about how he helped use the knowledge he gained spying on us to select the people Jeanine put under simulation to deliver her message to him, how he knew Marlene and I were friends from his time at Candor. Suddenly the taste of blood fills my mouth and I realize I've been chewing my nail so intently I've drawn blood. Marlene died because of me, because she had the bad luck to befriend me. How am I ever going to look Uriah in the face again knowing that?
He keeps going though, his narrative covering how he returned to Erudite helped solve the problem of Divergent's being immune to simulation serums on the two most Divergent people in the city, Tobias and myself. Listening to him speak about it is like reliving it all over again. The pain, the hopelessness, but mostly the betrayal and the anger at it. And I hate him for it. I hate Caleb and how emotionlessly he tells the story from his point of view.
More than anything I want to hurt him, make him feel the pain that I felt then, and still feel every time I think about our parents. For once I'm glad they're dead so they don't know what their son, who they loved, truly is. At least they were spared this. I will have to live with it though. For the rest of my life the same way I will have to live with their weight of their loss. I try to block the rest out, let it his words be as meaningless as the buzzing of insects, but I can't. Every one of them is indelibly imprinted on my brain.
"Do you have anything to say in your defense?" Niles finally asks, clearly this is his last question.
"My sister, Beatrice," he says quietly. "I helped her escape."
The shock I feel is reflected in the muttering that swells up in the courtroom below me and for the first time I realize how full it is. Tobias said that Caleb's trial would be one of the most important of the Erudite, but even knowing his crimes it doesn't really hit me until now, until seeing all these people interested enough to come and watch, morbid as it is.
"What do you mean, 'helped her escape'?"
"When I found out Jeanine was going to kill her I helped one of her guards orchestrate her escape. He had already come up with switching the paralytic serum for the death serum, but he needed my help to rig the heart monitor. I made sure it seemed like Beatrice died."
So Caleb was the Erudite who helped Peter. He knows who Caleb is, how we're related. He could have told Tobias and I that he was the one who rigged it. If not for the serum and knowing Caleb isn't Divergent I might think he's lying. As it is all I can think is that he swore Peter to secrecy, either to save his own skin in case the plan backfired (and if that's the case he doesn't know Peter), or because he never wanted me to know, because he was washing his hands of me.
"Why did you try to help her escape if you thought she was so dangerous?"
"I couldn't live with her death on my conscious. I knew she would die soon either way - and she did -, but I didn't want it on my conscious."
Selfish, the voice in my head snaps at him. Even his one act of redemption is selfish. He didn't do it for me, he did it for himself. The same way he's only admitting to it now when there's the chance it can keep him alive. If anything it makes me hate him more. What a good liar he was to make me believe he loved any of us.
Niles turns to the jurors assembled around them, reminding them that they have to decide if Caleb is guilty of treason and a whole host of other charges, and if he is if he deserves imprisonment or death for it.
As the jurors talk amongst themselves I can see the serum wearing off. Caleb rubs at his face, blinks his eyes as if he can shed the last of it that way. His posture becomes rigid, tense, and even from a distance I can see the nervous perspiration bleeding through his shirt. It's not so easy to die. I'm not surprised to see Susan walk down the center aisle. He refuses to meet her eye as she sits down in the spot his eyes would naturally fall to if he were to look up. Though he doesn't deserve it, he at least gets a kind face to look at as his fate is decided.
For the first time since Caleb started talking I look at Tobias. He is leaning forward, his arms propped up on the railing between him and the jurors, deep in conversation with them. They're probably trying to decide if his attempt to save me is worthy of some leniency. I get my answer in the small shake of Tobias' head.
Niles calls for order once again. In turn, a single representative of each faction and the Factionless stand and say that Caleb is guilty, that they think he deserves to die. Niles' voice fills the courtroom as he tells him that he will be summarily shot by the end of the day. Caleb doesn't fight as the guards lift him to his feet and lead him out, but the sounds he makes are inhuman.
They're the sounds of grief, of heartbreak, and the fact that he's mourning himself doesn't matter. I can't even look at him because I know only too well what he's feeling. I felt it every time I had to watch a friend or family member die and couldn't save them. I felt it when I walked down that hallway in Erudite knowing, not thinking, knowing I was going to die. That I didn't was a fluke.
When I look up the most of the crowd has dispersed. There are a few groups of people milling about chit-chatting, but I know where the jurors went. From listening to Harrison I know part of their duty is witnessing the execution. It's supposed to keep them more fair-minded if they have to see the viscera of their decision.
I slip out of the balcony, choosing to take the stairs now that I know Tobias will be in the crowd of people using the elevators. To avoid him completely I make my way through the maze of utility corridors and out an unobtrusive exit at the back of the building. I'm just sneaking towards a side road when I see them. A row of prisoners with their hands shackled together being led by a large contingent of guards.
Caleb is among them. And so is Tobias, following along behind the jurors. Technically anyone can witness the executions, the same as they can the trials, but I don't know how common it is. As far as I can see Tobias is the only non-juror, and it's that more than anything that makes me follow them, curiosity that his loathing of Caleb runs so deep that he would make sure he's dead.
I stick to the alleys, catching glimpses of the group between buildings. There are four other prisoners though Caleb's was the only trial today. They must only execute people a few times a week. I don't know if it's better or worse to have that time to ruminate on your death.
They walk to an empty lot ten minutes from the Hub. In one corner is a tractor, obviously used to dig the deep trench that scars the frozen ground. Before it are six wooden posts. They perplex me until I see each prisoner being tied to one. It's an ignominious end. There are no mourners, no pomp and ceremony to honor these lives. Maybe in that way they are deserving of their end. There will be no memorial to these people, nothing to commemorate them, only their victims because even if Caleb never killed anyone with his own hands doesn't mean he isn't a murderer.
There is little fanfare. A list of each prisons crimes are read, and then they are given their last rights. Caleb lifts his face heavenward, and closes his eyes. In the second before the gunshots ring out I swear the world is holding it's breath. There is no sound, no movement, no nothing. It's not peaceful, it's anticipatory, full of dread. And then the air is ripped apart by the sound of gunfire.
My body jerks at the same time Caleb's does, like I'm feeling the impact of the bullet entering his heart the way he is. By the time he slumps to the ground a second later his body is lifeless. I realize my mouth is open in a soundless scream and snap it shut. My vision tinges black around the edges and I force myself to pull in a deep breath before I black out.
I know I need to move if I want to avoid discovery, but it feels like it takes me an eternity to unstick my feet and stumble down the alley away from that pit and those bullet-riddled bodies and my brother and my fiance. Before I come to my senses and realize I'm heading away from the train tracks I'm in a different part of the city, far from where I need to be. I hunch down and lean back against the crumbling side of building, trying to get my bearings, trying to surface from the shock I feel.
After a while I force myself to my feet if for no other reason than the sun will set soon and I don't want to wander around in the dark, trying to find my way home. A humorless laugh bubbles up my throat at the thought that maybe Caleb is experiencing the same thing wherever he is, if there's anything after this. And then I start crying.
The tears come so thick and fast for a while that I stumble my way through the city blindly. I think about Caleb, every moment we shared before that last year because it feels safer, because whatever he felt the Erudite didn't have their claws in him yet. But it still feels like I'm mourning the brother I wish I had and maybe let myself believe I had, but not the one I actually had.
Walking helps, clears my head enough that I can make a list of every death I can chalk up to Caleb, directly or indirectly. I replay every piece of his narrative from today, and square it with all snippets of our time together during the war, wrapping it up neatly and putting it someplace inside myself that I don't have to look at. I mourn Marlene again and that brings a fresh wave of tears, but eventually I pack that away too. I will have to tell Uriah about it at some point, but not right now, not tonight.
As I walk the sun goes down, but I can see the Pire in the distance like a beacon and I follow it. The closer I get the more my thoughts turn to Tobias, to the shake of his head that might have spelled Caleb's death, to the ring weighing down my finger. He's been telling me for months that Caleb will die for his crimes, but that is a far cry from seeing it in action.
Could Tobias have done something to save him? The other jurors voted for his death, maybe the Dauntless would have as well regardless of Tobias' input, maybe they were only asking his opinion because of everyone in that room he was the most directly affected by Caleb's actions. And really, didn't I do the same when I told Marcus he had to share what he knew with us before we would protect him? I didn't kill him, but I didn't save him either, and Tobias doesn't hold it against me, quite the opposite.
The thoughts spin around my head until they make me dizzy. And as soon as I walk through the door of the Pire my feet carry me in the way they always do when I'm upset. They find Tobias. He's in the Control Room despite the hour, his sanctuary when the world around him is too chaotic. I lock the door behind me and when he hears it click he stands up and faces me, wiping his palms on his jeans. All I can think is that, that is what I do when I'm nervous.
And like I did in Amity I kiss him because I know his lips will distract me from everything else. "Tris," he mumbles, his tone wavering between pleading and apologizing. And I don't want to think about the reason behind it, so I kiss him harder. And maybe he doesn't either because after a moment he kisses me back.
I don't know which of us is angling for the desk, maybe I'm pulling him with me, and he's walking me back, but it's my hand that sweeps the contents onto the floor when the back of my thighs bump into the edge of it. His hand slips under the hem of my shirt, pulling it up as he pulls me closer and his lips on my neck and I fist his shirt in my hands as a moan escapes my mouth. This is what I wanted in Amity; to lose myself in him, if only for a little while. And I know now like then he won't be the one who stops this.
It feels frantic and desperate, but it feels affirming and vital too. It feels like life, and if those are the wrong reasons I don't care because despite everything we're still here, still alive. There's a pulse between us, one that only grows stronger as we work each other out of our clothes. Our hands work between us, pushing and pulling and tugging at fabric while our lips remain pressed together, each of us unwilling to give up that connection.
My jeans and underwear are still tangled around one ankle when Tobias' arm locks around my waist, lifting me up a few inches so that I'm teetering on the edge of his desk. I don't know what I expect, maybe Tobias going slow and asking me lots of questions and making sure I'm a hundred percent comfortable and sure of everything we're doing. He doesn't. And it's better for it.
His hand gripping my thigh feels intoxicating, feels electric. It makes me want more and he gives it to me in the way he bows over me, tips me backwards so that the computer monitor digging into my shoulder seems insignificant as he kisses me, a mutual groan of relief bleeding out between us as he slips inside of me.
All the other times we've been together like this my mind has been scattered, in a million different places of wondering what he thinks as he looks at me, or the pressing practicalities of where to put my legs and what to do with my hands, but there's none of that this time. This time all I feel is the exquisite pleasure of my body parting around him, of him filling me, and I swear I can feel every contour of him inside me and against me.
Every movement of his hips drags a new sound out of me, and even though my mind feels like it's in a dozen different places they feel like the best places in the world. They're where I can feel every ridge of fingerprint against the flesh of my thigh where he's holding it against his hip; in space his hair tickles my cheek; where I can feel him panting against me; where I can feel the warm, damp flesh of his shoulder under my lips. And I can taste him, on my tongue and in the air, salty with sweat, but still him.
He breathes out half formed words of love and devotion, humid against the shell of my ear. I don't even know if he's aware of it, and I care even less because even though we've done this before, it's never felt like this. It's been sex, it's been fun, and it's felt good, but it's never felt like this. This feels like love, feels like what we've been trying desperately to grab onto every other time and never quite been able to reach. But it's ours for the taking now. There's no struggle.
We both steal glances at the space between my legs where he's disappearing into me, but if it goes a second too long there's always lips calling us back to each other, demanding the attention only kisses can give. When I lean back and brace a hand against the wall his teeth rake down the column of my throat and when I call out to him he moves faster, deeper, the position allowing him to put the perfect amount of pressure on my clit as he follows me back, eager to keep as much contact as possible.
I can feel my body tightening around him, everything inside of me racing towards the end when all I want is for it to last forever. But when I finally do tip over the edge it feels like the world shatters behind my eyes, a thousand phosphene lights warping and bursting and the only real thing in the world is the Tobias' sweat slick skin moving against my own. Pleasure burns through me in crisp, hot waves, flushing my skin.
My body is still swept up them when I feel Tobias tense, feel him go rigid in my arms before he slumps against me. As we catch our breath the inevitable chill follows the fire and I remember all the things I'm trying to forget. I remember Caleb's cold lifeless body, and how he'll never feel this, never feel anything.
I disentangle myself from Tobias as gently as I can, each of us redressing quietly. The silence feels oppressive. I feel the tears clawing their way up my throat and put my back to Tobias. "Caleb's dead," he says as I mean over to pick up my shoes.
I stand up slowly, but refuse to face him. I take a deep breath to keep my voice steady. "I know," I reply and walk out.
A/N: So, yes. They finally had great sex. And then I had to go and complicate it by making it grief sex. That might be a little controversial, but I stand by my decision. I don't think Tobias would have stopped her in Amity, and she was grieving even more than. It complicates things, but it I really wanted to hit on it, and as I said above, this is a chapter I've been planning since the outset.
Moving on...
The Dauntless garden is actually based on Alnwick Poison Garden. I'm putting a link up on my Tumblr (BleuWrites dot Tumblr, etc.). I think it's really fascinating and I wanted Tris and Tobias to get married someplace pretty, but it's Dauntless so I had to come up with something that fits both of those things.
And as for Caleb... I'm saying it right now. I've totally got money on his being the Erudite who helped Peter. If that's not explained in Allegiant I'm going to be so disappointed (also, tangentially Peter's words to Tris being the same as Tobias'. Happenstance?).