Got this one out quickly as a followup for chapter 4, but it will take me a bit longer to write chapter 6. I will still try to get it out soon though. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own KFP
Chapter 5: Pain and Regret
Tears stung her eyes as she fell down at the side of the road, breathing hard. The pain was unbearable; it was like nothing she had ever felt before. The tiger lay there for a while, clutching at her side and weeping silently. When the rain started to fall, she dragged herself to her feet and headed for shelter under some nearby trees.
Anger burned inside of her; how could he have blown her feelings off like that? Did all the time they had spent with one another mean nothing?
How could he hurt me like that? I thought he…
Thought. She realized then that she had only been assuming that he held similar feelings for her; the anger towards him diminished as she winced, now seeing the truth.
What on earth had she been thinking, telling him that she loved him? She had only just realized it herself not a day or two ago, but she was already pushing it on him? Regret clutched her heart with an iron grip.
Of course he doesn't love me back…
She didn't know why she expected anything different. She felt anger rising up again in her abdomen – this time directed at herself.
Gods, I'm so stupid! How could I have thought for even a second…Why would he ever have those kinds of feelings for someone like me?
She whipped around and struck a small tree, snapping the trunk in half on impact. She clenched her fists and seethed as the crown of the tree fell beside her.
...why would he have feelings for a monster like me?
Images of her childhood at the orphanage flooded into her head: the endless chants of the other children, crying 'Monster, monster!' The absolute isolation she had grown accustomed to had hardened her to any social interaction. She was a monster.
The flood gates opened, every moment of grief and sorrow from her collective memory now swarmed her thoughts, each bringing with it an emotional dagger to be driven further into her heart.
She was a monster for how she treated the panda in the beginning. All of the things she said, all of the things she did in her attempt to rid herself of his presence…
And she was a monster for trying to control him in Gongmen City. For trying to force him to stay behind while she and the others went after Shen. Keeping him from learning the truth about his past, like she had any authority over the Dragon Warrior himself. She was a monster for not allowing him to stay with her; had he been with them when they left for the factory, he wouldn't have had to face Shen alone and nearly get killed…
She breathed in shakily at the memory. The hollowness she felt while dangling above the ship with her comrades was now back in full force…
…except this time it wasn't because she didn't want him to be with her. It was because he didn't want to be with her. And she didn't blame him.
She should have known that he didn't feel the same way about her. Of course he didn't love her back; she hadn't given him nearly enough time to think things over, she shouldn't have jumped on him so suddenly…
The trees around her swayed back and forth in the wind, almost as if they were nodding in agreement with her thoughts. The rain was once again pelting away at her; the tree that had once blocked it now lay broken before her.
A perfect analogy of my life… she thought. Everything was fine before she went in and messed it all up. That was how it had always been, and how it always would be. Breaking things was what monsters did.
After a while of standing there in the rain, Tigress realized something.
Normally by this point the panda would be at her side, helping her through her pain, providing consolation and showing her that he cared. But she was still alone.
It had now been confirmed that he didn't love her. After she had admitted her feelings for him, he must've been either shocked, disgusted, or both…there was no way he was coming after her now.
It was this confirmation that finally broke her completely. The regret was now tearing away at her, the emotional pain almost becoming physical as she fell to her hands and knees, sobbing loudly; her wails were drowned out by the rain and the thunder above.
She had to end it. She had to end the pain. Now.
It took every ounce of her composure and discipline to sit back into the lotus position. The tiger focused as hard as she could, forcing her stinging eyes shut, desperately searching for something, anything to make the pain stop…
…when she found it. Her cold, stoic old self that had since been buried underneath layers of newfound emotions. It now resurfaced to her, sliding over her as if it were a suit of armor. Initially, her feelings resisted, providing her with the same warm feeling at the thought of the panda she loved, before capitulating.
No! He doesn't love you back. It would never work! Just STOP thinking about it!
She breathed deeply in and out many times over the course of what felt like an hour, slowly feeling herself calm down at the rhythm of her breathing. The pain had subsided for the most part, as had the storm that surrounded her.
She rose to her feet, contemplating whether to continue back to camp or not; she eventually decided on the latter. She needed more time alone.
Po sat on the hill, soaked through completely as the rain began to taper off and the storm died down. Tears were now pouring down his face, mixing with the rain water and spreading themselves out across his fur as he whimpered quietly. He didn't remember the last time he cried; not even when he discovered his past while achieving Inner Peace had a single tear left his eyes.
His heart was pounding, aching horribly with each beat. He clutched at his chest with his right hand, his left moving to rub his eyes.
What the hell did I just do? His mind was at a loss as he sifted through what had just occurred.
He turned his head towards the road with a small sliver of hope that she would be standing there, coming back to him, ready to give him another chance…
But his heart sank even further when he saw no one in sight. He had really done it this time.
He tried to think of all the mistakes he had made throughout his life, trying desperately to come up with something to compare this blunder with so that he might have some past experience to call on. After minutes of searching, he stood up, empty-handed.
This was easily the worst mistake he had ever made.
All of his previous mistakes usually only involved him; if they happened to affect other people, it had always been in minor ways that could be fixed with a simple apology.
But this time, he had hurt someone deeper than he could imagine. Someone he cared about more than anything else. Someone he loved.
He had thrown away his one chance of telling Tigress how he truly felt, stepping all over her feelings in the process and ending it with a silent 'screw off.'
"Tigress…I'm so sorry…" he whispered to himself, still clutching at his heart as he walked to where she had been standing…where she had been standing when she said the words he had always dreamt of hearing…
This time, a simple apology wouldn't work. He knew that.
What he didn't know was what would work.
He had never had to deal with something like this before. He thought of running down the road, hoping to catch up to her and pouring out his feelings to her and telling her how sorry he was. But the uncertainty and lack of confidence he had just displayed made him think otherwise. What if I freeze up again and just end up making it worse?
The panda fell back onto his rear, burying his face in his hands as silent tears of his own regret continued to spill out of his eyes. He now felt anger building up inside. He pulled his head back and punched himself in the face over and over again. Why am I such a screw up?!
He realized that sitting there hitting himself wasn't going to solve anything. He needed to find a solution. He needed to fix this.
Viper was an option, though he didn't know what he thought she would be able to do other than what she already had. The person he really needed was Master Shifu, someone with knowledge and wisdom that preceded all of them. But he just realized that he hadn't thought about Shifu in all of this up until now; how would he react when he learned of this development?
He began to make his way down the hill and back to the road as he scratched his head in thought. He knew he would only be able to do this by himself in the end. Perhaps the most direct approach was the right one? Maybe I'll just catch her when she's alone…and…I don't know, dammit…
Po grew increasingly frustrated as he made his way down the road and back to the springs. By the time he reached the dark campsite, he still had nothing, but he had at least calmed down a bit.
He barely noticed the heap of his cooking instruments and ingredients that lay by his pack in disarray, but when he did he didn't care; he was too tired and distraught. His eyelids drooped heavily in fatigue, but rose back up when he saw everyone sleeping in their mats…except Tigress.
His throbbing heart began to pound in his chest as tears returned to his eyes. The pain was now back again in full force; it felt as if the incident happened just minutes ago. He wandered over to her mat, his eyes landing on the lotus flower that still lay there. He picked it up, and held it in his hands as if it were an ancient Kung Fu relic, before bringing it to his chest and falling onto his back.
He sobbed quietly for a few minutes before slowly drifting off, still clutching the flower as he fell asleep on her mat.
This one was a bit shorter than the other chapters, but I feel that enough was said to accomplish its purpose. Feel free to leave your thoughts, reviews are always welcome. Thanks for reading, more will be out soon :)