Hey~! Im back. Sorry for the delay minna~ I've become captivated by Homestuck recently and have spent almost every waking moment reading it. It's been four days since I started and I still haven't caught up. It's long but totally worth it, though the beginning is so boring you'll want to stab your eyes out. XD. So there's my lame excuse~ If something has an asterisk(*) after it, it will be explained in the bottom author's note.

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, the Fourth Hokage and Kushina wouldn't have died. Then Naruto wouldn't be lonely throughout his childhood~.

So, we somehow managed to all fit inside my dad's Prius for our little mall adventure. I convinced Sasori to sit on my lap, as there were six of us and four seats in the car. To say it was cramped was an understatement, but hey, torturing people(even those S-rank criminals you love so much) is so fun!

"Ne Sasori-danna, can I sleep with you?" I asked quietly, my tone filled to the brim with innocence. His heard turned so fast that he got whiplash. I pinched his reddened cheeks, cackling to myself.

"W-what?!" he whisper-screeched. I patted his soft red locks.

"I meant in the same bed, not having sex. Sasori-danna, your mind sure is dirty." I laughed. Sasori groaned in exasperation.

"Ugh, why me?!" he asked, half-curious, half-mortified. I shrugged.

"Well, I've already got it planned out, partners with partners. Konan and Pein-sama, along with Itachi-san and Kisa-chan will sleep in the room connected to mine. Kakuzu and Hidan will have the basement. Tobi and Deidara get the room across from mine. And Zetsu can sleep wherever he feels like it. But then I remembered you and thought it wouldn't be fair to put Sasori-danna with two idiots so he can sleep with me in my room!" I gave a warm smile. "I don't know why, but I feel really, maternally protective of you. Maybe it's because you've had a hard life and whatnot. To be honest, I wanted to steal all of the Jinchuriki and just smother them in so much love~" I hugged his midsection, burying my face in his back. Sasori stayed quiet.

"...Fine." he consented. "I'll...stay in your room." I smiled widely.

"That's a good Sasori-danna!" I cooed, reaching up to tangle my fingers in his hair.

"We're here." my dad said, quite cheerfully, ending mine and Sasori's conversation. He rolled the Prius to a stop in front of the McKinley Mall. We lived about ten minutes away, but I was hoping he'd take us to the Galleria Mall. It was larger, and we'd be more conspicuous.

"Thank you Daddy!" I yelled loudly. "Um, would you mind staying here? We've got a large group and it would be boring for you. Please?" I didn't want my dad to know we were going to steal stuff. I was feeling guilty for even thinking of it in the first place.

"Sure baby girl." he said. I sighed, opening my door. Sasori climbed out and extended a hand to help me out. I gratefully took it with a smile.

"Thank you Sasori-danna." I politely said. Sasori just nodded. Konan climbed out, looking slightly green. Itachi was stoic about it and Kakuzu grunted. I sighed, grabbing Sasori's hand.

"Come on guys. Let's go shop!"

...

..

.

Well, good news is, we didn't get caught! Bad news...well there isn't any. Everything went as smoothly as possible. I'm glad I took the mostly stoic, smart shinobi with me. I let out a breath I hadn't known I had been holding and Itachi turned to look over at me. He, surprisingly, gave me a half-sympathic, half-stoic stare(come on, this is Itachi we're talking about).

"So as agreed Kakuzu, $400 a day. Anything else you can keep." I had made a deal with Kakuzu. He'd give me $400 out of his 'earnings'(let's face the facts: Kakuzu would do anything to get money and I'm sure he could make over $2000 a day) so the Akatsuki could live with us. This money was to be used on any food they ate and clothes.
Speaking of clothes, we had stolen and bought so many. Although they were all in sealing scrolls, I knew we had a hell of a lot. I managed to convince Kakuzu to let us buy something, so we wouldn't walk around with nothing in our hands. Kakuzu had been pick pocketing people he passed(I don't know how, I didn't really care either), so he had a lot of money already. I just took my $400 earlier than he thought.

Thankfully, our house was close by so we were able to unload everything fairly quickly.

"You may rejoice my good people! For I have returned!" I burst into the foyer, noting that everyone was obediently quiet. I whipped my head back and forth, trying to look for the cause of their silence.

"Shhh un!" Deidara hissed at me. I skipped over to the bomber, falling into his lap.

"Why?" I asked, probably distracting him with my impressive cleavage. Not to brag or anything, but I was a solid D.

"Leader-sama told us to sit here quietly and wait until you got back." I yanked his nose, annoying the other blonde.

"And here I am chico~" Kisame let out a breathy chuckle, reaching over to ruffle my hair.

"Thank God." he said. "Leader was getting mean." I pouted at Kisame.

"Don't mess up my gorgeous hair." I complained. Something snapped and I felt a hand grab me, hoisting me off Deidara.

"You motherfucking heathen bitch! You left us alone! With Leader!" I screamed as Hidan tossed me into the air.

"Asshole!" Kisame, being the most epically awesome sharky man that he is, caught me before Hidan could. "Kisame, thank you~!" I cried, hugging his neck tightly. Hidan was swearing in the background and some of what he said even I didn't know. And every other word is usually a swear for me.

"Sure kid." I nearly squealed. What came out though, I'm pretty sure wasn't human.

"Did you know, my darling Kisa-chan, that my dentist once told me that my teeth didn't look human?" I grinned, showing him my teeth. My peg laterals(those are the teeth next to the front teeth) were oddly sharp and thin, accompanied by the fact that they were small. Kisame chuckled and gave me his sharky grin.

"You're perfect love~" I told him, because god damn it, Kisame needed fangirls. "Minna-san, take a page out of Kisame's book and learn how to be perfect like him~! Oh, except for Itachi-san of course, because Itachi-san is perfect beyond your feeble little comprehension."

"Kisame." Kisame tensed as Pein addressed him. "I wish to speak with you later." I raised an eyebrow at Pein.

"Don't admonish him for being himself, ¡por favor!" I threw random Spanish at him to throw him off. "Bakayaro, konoyaro!" I said, imitating B. Come on, not even Kishi likes his rhymes. And he made B. I guess I was a fangirl whore.

"I'll make note of what you said," Pein's monotone broke through my revelation.

"Hai hai~!" I tapped Kisame and he set me down. "We gots clothes and stuff. Come help us?"

Kisame shrugged, "Sure. Lead the way." I skipped back toward Itachi, who was in the dining room so it wasn't very far.

"Itachi-san~! Let us help your perfection~!" Hehe I guess my inner fangirl was showing herself. Itachi dipped his head in thanks, his hand bringing out a sealing scroll. He unraveled it, making a sign, and a poof came into existence. The air cleared quickly and my eyes widened at all of the clothes.

"Konan has one for herself, but here are clothes for the rest of the Akatsuki." At least they were in neat piles, with the Akatsuki's names underneath in kanji. I backed away.

"Yeah, I can't read kanji." I gave a nervous smile. "So any idea where we should put this?" I felt several sweat drops emerge on the others' faces. I chuckled nervously. Obviously I didn't think this through.

"We'll just put them in scrolls for the members to pick and choose as they please." Itachi stated. He began to reseal the clothes in scrolls that quite literally appeared out of nowhere. Disheartened, I slumped back to the couch, sitting on Hidan. He made a good cushion. Then again, anyone would make a good cushion.

"Bitch get the fuck off of me," he snarled in his lovely Hidan way. I simply patted his head condescendingly.

"Please Hidan-sama~?" I leaned forward, pouting, making sure he got an extra view of my cleavage. Hey, I might not personally find anything attractive but Hidan sure did. Yes people, I'm asexual. There I've finally said it out loud, well not really.

"Fine bitch." he grumbled. I wove my arms around his frame. Yeah, I constantly hug people. It's what I do.

"Thank you o beautiful Hidan~!" I snuggled his bare chest. "But let's make this clear. You pick on anyone I love and I will chop your head off. And I am psycho enough to do it." Hidan"s chest rumbled as he laughed loudly.

"Hahaha, looks like you were different than I thought bitch." I grinned, nodding.

"Oh yep. I can be a tough badass when I want to." I told him. "You push the wrong buttons and I'll saw your face off and wear it as a Halloween mask!" I said cheerfully. "But don't let that discourage you." I sighed then untangled myself from the immortal. "I have to go talk to Leader for a second. Will my spot still be there when I get back?" Hidan laughed, nodding.

"Sure, whatever bitch." I smiled slightly and kissed his cheek. Then I skipped off. Truthfully, I wasn't going to talk to Leader. There was someone else I needed to talk to.
I found the masked man annoying my brother. Anthony looked up at me, pleading with his eyes to take Tobi away. I gave a sadistic smile while I wrapped my arms around the hyperactive megalomaniac.

"Hi Tobi~!" I greeted enthusiastically. Tobi clapped his hands, returning my embrace.

"Hi Sara-chan~! Tobi was just telling Anthony about the time Tobi ate a bad dango. Tobi got very sick." I giggled, patting Tobi's arm.

"Poor Tobi. Um Tobi I need to talk to you for a second." Tobi tilted his head.

"Ok~!" he chirped. I lead him to the basement, making sure no one was down there.

"Ok 'Madara' can you use some magical jutsu that will allow you to seal this room so no one hears us?" I asked, dropping the cheerful charade. I crossed my arms underneath my breasts, my stance guarded.

"Someone is forgetting their place." he grumbled, making a hand sign. "We may now speak freely. What is it that you wish to say to me?" I crossed the distance, my boots making clicks on the concrete.

"I know you aren't really Madara." I laid the card out.

"Oh?" he seemed amused. "Who am I then?"

"Uchiha Obito." I flatly stated. "I want to tell you that I won't allow you to use the Akatsuki as you please." Obito snorted.

"Oh really now. I'd like to see you try little girl." I grit my teeth, suppressing my anger. I stalked forward until we were mask to face.

"If I have to kill to prevent the Juubi's revival and Project Tsuki No Me, trust me, I will." I don't how, but I will prevent this bastard from doing whatever the fuck he wants. You can't just take away people's choices. It's not right.

He suddenly became angry, "You know nothing of my pain." I refused to back down though.

"I know everything." I snarled. "I know how much you loved Rin. How painful it was to watch her love Kakashi. I know what it was like to get crushed by that rock and to suddenly have your life saved by some crazy asshole who just wants to use you. I know of what you went through when she died. Believe me I fucking know." Before I finished speaking, I realized I was crying. Fuck. I guess I really can't hate characters, even the villain. Actually, especially the villain.

Obito narrowed his eye, looking like he wanted to move away. I wouldn't blame him. I can't deal with crying people either."You're...crying?" his tone surprised me. It was disbelief coloring his voice.

"Yes I'm fucking crying. Take a picture, it'll last longer." I said, somewhat spitefully. "You know why I'm crying? Because you're so incredibly sad that it pains me. It hurts me in ways you don't understand because up until a few hours ago, you were fictional." Obito was probably gazing blankly at me or something. Like I could tell with that mask.
I took off my glasses. I didn't want them to get wet. I hated cleaning dried tears off of them. Plus I was getting a headache from moving my upper brow so much. I could see Obito as clearly as if I was wearing them. My eyes are slightly fucked up. Far-sighted in one eye and near-sighted in the other.

What completely took me by surprise was when Obito put a hand on his mask, intending to remove it. I watched as his face became visible, feeling so bad for him at the moment that I couldn't help but hug him.

He hesitantly placed his hands on my shoulders. I gripped his waist tighter, determined to comfort him in some small way. I realized at that moment that not many fans would be hugging Obito(maybe they would though, I don't know). Come on, he fucked a lot of people up...like Naraku from Inuyasha. Evil barstard. If he were here, I'd murder him with my bare hands.

"If you wish to speak with me again, simply ask. I will answer you to my best ability." Obito finally said, slipping his mask back on. I sniffed, wiping my cheeks dry. My eyes widened when I felt a hand ruffling my hair.

...

..

.

"...and that's how Tobi saved Sara-chan from the big nasty spider!" Kisame, Hidan, Deidara, and even Sasori laughed at me. I blushed in mortification. This is why I wanted to just rush past those guys because I couldn't hide the tell-tale tear marks.

"Haha you were crying because of a spider un?!" Deidara guffawed, practically choking on air. I Gibs-slapped the bastard, which caused him to laugh harder.

"It's not funny!" I yelled, feeling the blood rush further into my cheeks. "You didn't see that fucking thing! It was as big as my arm!" I flapped my arm in emphasis.

"Hahahaha, bitch I wish I was fucking there!" Hidan cackled. In my anger I grabbed the nearest thing, a pair of scissors, and threw it at the Jashinist. The blade end struck deeply in his neck, which began to spurt blood.

"Fuck! He's bleeding on the carpet!" I whined. "Kisame, or Kakuzu, someone get him to the kitchen please!" Kisame stood, ruffling my hair as he walked past. I hid the wince and my eyes glanced at Tobi. I saw his Sharingan and shivered.

"Aye aye captain!" Kisame mockingly saluted then picked Hidan's bleeding form up.

"Oi fish fucker put me the fuck down!?" I followed the duo into the kitchen, where Hidan began to bleed out. I laughed insanely.

"Sara-chan, where do you want me to put him?" Kisame asked, ignoring Hidan. I shrugged.

"Anywhere. And Hidan I warned you against insulting Kisame." I forced the scissors out of his neck and shoved them back in. Bastard fucking deserved it. Nobody insults Kisame on my watch. "Just so we're clear I have no trouble ripping your head off." I snarled. You know, I wonder where I'm getting all this anger from. "I am also apologizing if I seem a bit angry at you. Maybe it's because of what you're going to do, but I never really liked the guy you killed anyway. Or maybe it's because you should be nicer to my Kisame."

"What'd you say bitch?" Hidan choked on his own blood. I sighed, removing the scissors. "I kill some bastard or something? I do that all the time. I also insult fish fucker over here all the time." You know, now I saw why Kakuzu wanted to kill Hidan all the time.

"Kakuzu, darling, I feel your pain~!" I cried out to him. Kakuzu grunted, counting his money. I had also thought to steal a bunch of books on our economy and shit like that. It was kind of like a 'I'm sorry I'm making you pay and lose money' present. No doubt the old miser would read them soon.

"Good, someone at least knows Hidan is a fucking idiot and should just die." I skipped over to the miser, giving him an awkwardly brief hug. I say awkward because he was sitting down and I was standing so his face rammed into my boobs. But I didn't really care because this is Kakuzu.

"Oh, so Kakuzu gets a face full of fucking boob and I get fucking scissors in my fucking neck?! Fuck you bitch!" Hidan yelled. My eyes narrowed.

"Fuck you Hidan cause you know what? Kakuzu didn't laugh at me like you did. And even if you hadn't laughed you still wouldn't have gotten my glorious valley of the gods bitch-cakes." I defended. "My boobs are for certain people alone. Like Itachi-san and Sasori-danna." I got weird looks all around.

"What about me, Sara-chan?" Kisame asked, giving me a kind of pout. I reached and patted his shoulder, giving a patronizing smile.

"Sorry Kisame. You're a pervert too. Itachi-san and Sasori-danna aren't perverted, which is why my boobs are for them. If they need my boobs, I will come at any time they so wish." Sasori face-palmed. Itachi looked vaguely uncomfortable.

"Aw. I promise I won't be perverted! I'll change my ways Sara-chan!" I shook my head, looking downcast.

"Gomenne, Kisame. You'll always be my favorite shark though!" he seemed to be ok with this.

"I'll have to settle for that." he said, giving me his shark grin. I squealed and tackled him.

"And this is why I love Kisame. Look at this beautiful specimen! Can you not see his perfection?" I said to the other members in the room. Some of them grunted, and some ignored me. I got off Kisame, with some dignity intact, thanks.

"Kisame is not as perfect as you think un!" Deidara burst in. "Neither is that Uchiha bastard!" I waved him off.

"Meh, you're just jealous cause I haven't tackled you yet. I think I've hugged you, but not tackled." I said with a smirk. Deidara gave me a glare. "Honey, I've seen an Uchiha glare. That speaks for itself." I was purposely egging him on. Picking on Deidara seemed like fun.

"I can glare better than he can, yeah!" Deidara pointed at Itachi, who looked like he couldn't care less. I shrugged.

"Itachi-san your honor is at stake here!" I yelled loudly. I'm a loud person.

"Hn." he simply said. I gave a shocked look, putting a hand on my chest.

"Well I never." I scoffed. "Uchiha Itachi-san, not giving a proper answer? Where's the action? The intensity? The romance?" I tended to overdramatize a lot. It's one of my more charming traits.

"Romance, un?" he asked, slightly disgusted, yet curious. I nodded.

"Yes, I'm writing a fan fiction where you're a lovestruck girl and Itachi-san is your Romeo, except you get into hilarious adventures because Itachi-san barely speaks. And you always misconstrue his meanings because you cannot speak the Uchiha language of 'Hn'." I grunted like Itachi, "So basically, it's a comedy, but Itachi-san, in my fic of course, does like you somewhat."

The looks I received were so hilarious. Kisame and Hidan were cackling, one still choking on his own blood(you can guess who). Kakuzu's scrunched to disgust. Sasori allowed a small, amused smile to bloom on his face. Itachi's actually distorted to one of surprise and what-the-fuckery. Deidara was looking a little green. He ran to the bathroom and I heard sounds of puking.

"Oh my god jajajaja*!" I cackled.

"It's not funny un!" Deidara yelled between vomiting.

"You're right it's not funny." I paused, "It's hilarious!" Then came the moment where I slipped and fell. I screamed, slamming my eyes shut, braced for impact. Instead, it never came. I hesitantly pried my eyes open and stared into the familiar red eyes of the Sharingan. Suddenly my chest felt tight. I couldn't breath and it was one of those 'time standing still' moments. Itachi blinked slowly and reality returned.

I felt myself hyperventilate as I was steadied. See, I have this fear of falling. Any kind of falling. I began laughing hysterically and crying at the same time.

"Are you ok, Sara-san?" Itachi asked. I shook my head, taking off my glasses and hiding my face in my arms. My sobs were loud apparently, for I felt feminine arms that belonged to Konan wrap themselves around my frame.

"Leave." she muttered lowly, combing her hands through my hair. "Now." I heard footsteps fade away, and it was just me and Konan in the kitchen.

"What'd they do?" she asked, sounding almost exasperated yet kind at the same time. I pulled away to look up at her.

"I-I tripped and fell, but I have this f-fear of falling s-so it just scared me is all." I explained brokenly, embarrassed. I can't believe I had just cried like that, and in front of the guys!

"Shh it's perfectly understandable. I certainly won't judge and neither should the eavesdroppers." the last part was more of a growl than anything. Konan was so much different than I had first thought. I smiled at her.

"You're very kind, Konan-chan." I hugged her briefly. "I'm fine now. Really." Konan gave me a piercing stare.

"If they ever make you cry again, I would be glad to help you hunt them down." I laughed.

"Us girls have to stick together, eh? You really are an angel, Konan-chan. Or should I call you Lady Tenshi?" I asked, conflicted on how to address this lovely woman. Konan is now my new favorite female character.

She smiled, "Konan-chan is alright with me."

"Konan-chan it is." I placed a hand on my lip, tapping out a rhythm. "You know, I'm a little curious." I gave a mischievous smirk, "Do you like Nagato?" Konan's eyes widened and I saw a blush against her pale skin.

"W-what?" Oh yeah, she definitely liked Nagato. "I-I mean, we're p-partners and all but..." she sighed, "I-I'm not sure i-if he would feel the same way." she admitted shyly. I nearly screeched, the evil matchmaker thoughts racing through my mind.

"I can help you with that Konan-chan." I gave a truly dastardly smirk. "First, let's go over your wardrobe."

...

..

.

Hours later, I had picked out which clothes would be suitable for Konan. I chose ones that accentuated her femininity, but also ones that made her look innocent. I didn't want Konan running around looking like a prostitute after all.

"Thank you Sara-chan." she bowed. I waved her off.

"It's fine. Just helping out a good friend." I smiled. She tilted her head, confused.

"But we just became human today."

"So?" I shrugged, "I consider you guys my friends. You forget that you're all supposed to be fictional characters. I really admired and loved the Akatsuki. Why wouldn't I consider you my friend?" Konan smiled kindly, and I saw a twinkle in her eyes that seemed absent from how she looked in the anime.

"You are a kind and sweet girl. Don't let us corrupt you." she gave me a brief hug before winking. "I think I'll go put on these pajamas you suggested. It's getting rather dark." she held up a blue tank top with decently short short shorts. She entered the room behind us and closed it with another smile in my direction.

I heard footsteps and tensed, ready to tell off whoever was coming up. I relaxed slightly when I saw Pein.

"Oh hey Pein!" I cheerfully greeted, aware that Konan could hear me. He grunted in my direction before going past me to retire to his quarters.

The scream that erupted made an evil smirk appear on my face.

I hope it was good~! Ja ne minna, see you next time~!
*That's not a typo. Remember how I use random Spanish? Yeah, this is one of those times. Apparently, Spanish speakers use jajajaja instead of hahahaha because J is soft and pronounced like an h.