Hullo wondermus people of fanfiction dot net and welcome to Pokemon Wtf Version Chapter Two completed at 3 in the morning. R&R and recieve the idea of me giving you a cookie! And also you'll help that poor economy of the Gulf of Mexico.

Chapter Two- The Birch's House of Wonder

"…Oh! Wait just a minute, I'll be right there!"

The door opened and an average-looking woman with a kind face, who was probably around her mid-30's appeared. She was wearing an apron, and looked like a completely normal housewife. I heaved a sigh of relief.

"Oh thank god, someone in this fanfiction who conforms to their actual in-game character!"

"What?" she asked me, looking confused.

"Umm, nothing. Nevermind. So, anyway," I continued, wanting to make sure this first sane conversation I've had with a sane person lasted more than 30 seconds before something inconvenient interjected, "I just moved here today, and, uh…our bathroom is malfunctioning, so is it okay if I use yours? Name's May, by the way. Nice to meet you."

"Oh, you must be the new neighbors who were supposed to move in today! My name is Mrs. Birch, and my husband and I have a son who is around your age. I don't know where he is at the moment though, so he might be dead, but I can't say for sure. Anyway, you said you wanted to use our bathroom? Sure, make yourself at home!"

Suddenly, her smile disappeared, and her face became blank and expressionless. She moved her face uncomfortably close to mine and stared directly into my eyes. " And while you're at it, take our couch and microwave and other prized possessions, and sell them on fucking Amazon for a cheap buck, you shit-faced freeloader."

Well, then. That took an unpleasant turn. Her expression remaining the same, she wordlessly stepped out of way of the entrance as if to let me in, but she was still staring at me intently.

"Umm…" I was about to say something, wondering if she just had a dark sense of humor, but her eyes widened as I spoke, and something in them suggested deep hatred, and a possible desire to see my blood spill. Feeling quite uncomfortable, like a child being put on Santa's lap only to feel a raging and wrinkly old man erection, I avoided her eyes and slowly made my way into the house.

It was a normal-looking house, but from the way the woman I just met was, I entered with caution, hoping the floor wouldn't give in to a secret pitfall that would land me into some sort of torture chamber. I noticed a young boy was sitting on the couch, eating some potato chips and watching television. This was the same boy that pissed upon my face. I had a violent urge to tell off/smack the boy, but one glance at the woman who I assumed to be his mother put me in my place. Her eyes were like the embodiment of death themselves, contained in a pupil and an iris.

"Mom, are the cookies done?" the boy asked, turning his head and looking over at her.

"Should just be one more minute, dear!" she said, switching into the previous generic housewife mode, and heading over to the oven. The boy didn't seem to notice me. Taking this chance, I rushed up to the second floor.

There were four doors. Picking the first on the right, I opened it slightly, but stopped as I began to smell an obscure stench. It smelled like rotting meat, and I could hear sounds of heavy wheezing, and moaning. Deciding to spare myself from whatever horrors lay beyond what I presume to be the woman's bedroom door, I took the next one on the right. I walked into what appeared to be a normal bedroom, or what would appear to be a normal one. A single pokeball lay randomly upon the floor.

My natural instincts told me to leave it the fuck alone after experiencing the first three minutes of this deplorable house, but for the sake of plot advancement, I approached it, scolding whatever fear that had set place in my heart like a total badass. Actually, that last part was a lie to make myself seem cool, in reality I was pissing my pants hoping Pyramid Head wouldn't come out holding a chainsaw.

As I was about to grasp the spherical object, the lights dramatically shut off. Which was unfortunate, because in the darkness nobody could see the fabulous 'oh shit' face I was currently displaying.

"Hello, ladies and gentlemen!" bellowed a masculine, but chipmunked voice.

Oh god. It was another Alvin and the Chipmunks sequel. This was going to be worse than five Pyramid Heads. Five Pyramid Heads with bipolar disorder who all lost at monopoly on the same day. While on their periods.

"I believe it is time to introduce the fabulous…incredible…most beautiful, scrump-diddly-umptious, dazzling, trend-setting, not bed-wetting, magnificent, swagtastical-"

"You and your father really have a thing for dramatic entrances, don't you?"

"BREEEEEDAAANNNAAAAA THE BEAAAAUTIFUULLLLLL!"

The lights switched back on and a boy around my age was standing in the middle of the room, wearing a long, frilly dress and so much makeup that his face was hardly visible. His nails were so sparkly that one would assume that Twilight Sparkle wiped her ass with them, and his heels were actually flip flops but with bedazzled machetes glued to them.

He quickly sashayed over to me, which also surprised me considering his footwear.

"So, honey, what can I do for you? No autographs, please. I have a busy schedule, you must know, so I can't hang around all day. It's hard work being so fabulous. Oh my goodness, why do you smell so nasty?"

"Where is your bathroom?"

He stepped back and gasped, looking very taken back. Tears welled up in his mascara-covered eyes, and his bottom lip trembled ferociously.

"Why must you taunt me?" he choked, said tears now spilling from his eyes, making his face even more obscure than it already was. "You must be aware by now that I am a dazzling woman in a man's grotesque body, why would you take this moment to remind me that our bodily functions differ? You have to sit while you pee, and I have to stand up because it feels awkward when I sit down! WHY MUST YOU REMIND ME OF THE TRAGEDY I'VE HAD TO BEAR SINCE WOMB ESCAPAGE?! CRUEL, SADISTIC, SOCIOPATHIC, HARLOT FELON!"

Before I could leave a remark on his excellent usage of adjectives, he let out a strong wail, dashed towards the window, and jumped out of it, glass shattering everywhere. I ran towards the window to see if he was okay.

"IF ONLY I HAD LIP PLUMPER TO PUT ON THEM, MY TEARS WOULD BE AS PRETTY AS NICKI MINAJ'S!" he cried, running blindly into the woods. "THIS WILL NOT BE THE LAST OF ME YOU'LL SEE, VICIOUS HARLOT. I'LL BE BACK. WITH SEXY. SWAG. VEGENCE."

And with that, he disappeared.

And now it was time for me to get the fuck out of freaktown.

I looked at the pokeball that was still laying untouched on the floor. If everybody in this new region was like this, I would need some form of protection.

I took the ball and put it in my bag, and then realized I still needed to find the bathroom. And a new change of clothes. I took a peek in his dresser to find it filled with women's apparel. Shocker.

Taking an outfit similar to mine, I walked out of his room and tried the second room on the left. Bingo, normal-looking bathroom.

After cleaning myself and changing clothes, I walked back into the hallway and contemplated my next course of action. Should I do Bredana's dramatic window jump, or take the stairs down to the woman who would cause Hitler to use a nightlight when he sleeps? Decisions, decisions.

Hoping the woman was still in generic housewife mode, I tiptoed down the stairs and into the main living area. The boy was still watching TV and now eating some cookies, while the mother was chopping up some vegetables. So far, so good.

Halfway to the door, she looked at me. Oh shit. Thankfully, she didn't move, but was still chopping the vegetables as she stared at me with that face. When I got close enough to the door to grasp the door knob, she began to cut off her own hand. Staring at me, with that unchanging expression.

"Jesus Christ-"

I ran out of the house, making my way to the first route out of this town.