kyu: I feel really bad about not updating, so you guys get two in one night! Getting closer to the good stuff too!
Disclaimer: I don not own Supernatural or its characters. If I did, Jensen Ackles' PETA ad would have been the cover for several seasons!
It had been three weeks since he'd gotten Dean back. It had been three weeks since Dean had slept through the night. Three weeks since Sam had woken up and barely opened his eyes without Dean looking at him.
He suspected Dean was having nightmares, so Dean was always awake. And it was starting to show. Dean was also being… clingy. He was always around. He never left without a reason- usually one given to him by Sam- and Sam was noticing that Dean was almost always in the same room as him. He was quieter than before, and he didn't joke nearly as much as he used to.
Sam found himself missing Dean's laugh, his smile- hell even that damnable smirk would be welcome at this point.
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Dean was trying so hard to keep it together. But it seemed like no matter what he did, his body ignored his brain and sought Sam out. He really needed to get this figured out. Soon.
Otherwise he was going to fuck up. He wanted his little brother more than anything. He wanted to roll over in bed and wrap his arms around him. Wanted to spend an hour cooking dinner with him, sneaking in gropes and kisses between chopping carrots. Wanted Sam to tell him those words he'd learned to love. The ones he'd give anything to hear.
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Sam found himself awake before Dean one morning, surprised to find Dean actually asleep for once. He got up to do the usual- go to the bathroom, wash his face, brush his teeth- then padded back into the room. He decided Dean needed all the sleep he could get and went to get them some coffee to start the day.
He'd wake Dean when he got back and had a caffeinated reason for Dean not to punch him.
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Dean was so warm, floating on the remnants of a good dream. A dream where he was back in his king-sized bed with his baby and his lover. Sam had been stroking his arm, fingertips barely brushing his skin.
He rolled over and opened his eyes, loving the weight of a warm hand on his shoulder. His eyes found the hazel eyes of his brother, warm with laughter.
"Hey, Dean." Sam's voice was soft, trying to wake him slowly. "Time to get up."
Dean smiled back, wrapped his hand around the back of Sam's neck, and lifted himself up to brush his lips across Sam's. "Okay, just let me-"
Dean trailed off when he noticed the shock written on Sam's face. He blinked and realized this was the Sam of reality, not the Sam of his dreams. Shit.
"D-Dean, I-" Sam's sentence was cut off by Dean flying to the bathroom and slamming the door shut.
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Sam blinked. Once. Twice. His hand flew to his lips, feeling them warm up almost as much as his cheeks did. "What the hell was that?!"
Sam cautiously stepped over to the bathroom door. "Dean?"
He was met by the expected silence. "Dean… Please talk to me. I just want to know what's wrong. I have no idea what's been going on with you the last few days."
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Dean once again found himself curled on the floor of the bathroom, horror written across his face. He couldn't lose Sammy. Not again. He already lost him as a lover. He couldn't lose the one who loved him like a brother too!
What was he going to do? He couldn't keep doing this. He couldn't go through this again. He missed his Sammy. He just wanted things back the way they were. Why couldn't things go back to normal?!
It finally became too much for Dean. He felt the tears come. Dean knew he was a heavy crier. It was why he never allowed more than a tear or two. He started out quietly but was eventually sobbing into his knees. Then he choked and began coughing. But he couldn't stop. Dean barely made it to the toilet to throw up whatever was left of last night's takeout.
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Sam fell silent after his words went unanswered. He leaned his forehead against the door and prepared for a long wait. What he wasn't prepared for was the sniffling on the other side of the door. Or for the sniffling to turn to sobbing.
He started talking again and quietly knocking on the door. When all that went unanswered, he almost gave up. But then he heard Dean violently retching, and his brain shut off.
He stepped back and swiftly kicked the flimsy door in. After regaining his balance, he rushed in and found his brother hunched over the toilet, losing what little he'd managed to force into him. He fell to his knees by the other man, not saying anything, just rubbing slow circles on his back, trying to ease the pain. When Dean's stomach had nothing left to give, not even bile, Sam rose and got a wet washcloth to wipe off his face.
He pulled Dean to him, Dean's back to his chest, Sam's back to the wall. He slowly wiped his brother's face clean before chucking the washcloth into the sink. Sam wrapped his arms around Dean's waist and leaned his chin on Dean's shoulder, Dean's head mimicking him and falling back onto Sam's shoulder.
They sat like that for almost an hour before he decided they needed to talk. "Dean?"
Dean made some grunting noise that Sam took as a 'yeah?'
"What's going on with you? I've been trying to let you get back to being… you, but it's taking way longer than it did last time." Dean stiffened in his arms, but he didn't say anything, so Sam just pushed on. "And I know it's a lot to ask, but I just want to help. But to do that, you gotta break your rules and let me in. I have to be able to know what happened if we're gonna fix this."
Dean mumbled something Sam couldn't quite catch. "What?"
"YOU!" Dean burst out, suddenly full of adrenaline. "You happened, Sammy. We grew up together the same way, but it changed when we hit a certain age. We grew together, and when you went to leave for college, I did what I never had the courage to actually do."
Dean's shoulders slumped as he took a deep breath. "I asked you not to go."
Sam opened his mouth several times, but nothing would come out.
"And when you said you couldn't stay, that you couldn't take being around Dad or not knowing if I was coming home from a hunt or not, I went with you." Dean rubbed the back of his neck. "We got an apartment and set everything up. I changed my last name so nothing could connect us to Dad, and we told everyone we were long-time childhood friends."
"Dean, I'm not following…" Sam watched as his brother pulled himself off the floor and began to pace, but the bathroom was too small for that, and Sam soon found himself following Dean into the bedroom.
"I got a job at an auto shop, and you were doing great with your classes. During your second year, you got a part-time job at a coffee shop down the street. We were… We were good, Sammy. We had friends, a nice place to stay, and we were close. Somewhere along the line, close became closer. And then we suddenly couldn't stop ourselves."
"You mean we- But how did we- I just don't…" Sam couldn't believe it. Dean was freaking out because somehow his doped up brain put him in a weird sex dream?
"It honestly wasn't pretty, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. You got scared when we kissed. You ran out and were gone for almost two weeks. When you came back, you acted like nothing happened. I lost it one night and made you tell me where you'd been." Dean sighed and leaned against the wall. "Apparently, you'd freaked and gone on a binge. You were partying every night and sleeping with whichever girl caught your fancy- which you assured me wasn't many. Then you realized that all the girls you found looked the same: shorter hair, sharper features, and bright green eyes."
"So I freaked and then found substitutes for you?" Sam sounded baffled.
Dean shrugged. "I guess. Anyway, you came back, and we talked. I told you I didn't care. Didn't care that you were my brother, only meant that I'd love you more and understand all the components that made you who you were. I didn't care that you weren't the apple pie life you'd always wanted for me, the wife and two kids, steady job and a house." Here Dean breathed and looked up. "I just wanted you."
Silence spread, but Dean continued. "You and I- We were perfect after that. Made it official, told all our friends, even Dad and Bobby. Then Ariel showed up."
"Ariel? Don't tell me you left me for a Little Mermaid wannabe." Sam scoffed.
"Actually, Ariel came for you." Dean smirked a bit when Sam had the decency to look ashamed. "She had been one of your flings. You knocked her up, and she tracked you down."
"I what?!" Sam nearly flew off the bed, seemingly forgetting this had all been a dream.
"She was about six months along and wanted help. Not money or a place to stay. She just didn't want the kid." Dean's voice tightened here. "Didn't want anything to do with him. Said she'd follow any and all rules you set. We let her stay with us. You had moved all your stuff into my room anyway."
Dean wandered to the kitchenette and busied his hands with making coffee. "She had a boy. We did a paternity test, but it wasn't really necessary. He had your hair, your smile, and your big brown eyes. You named him Lucas and had her sign over all her rights to him. He was honestly the best thing that could've happened to us."
Sam watched Dean's hands clench the side of the sink. The muscles in his jaw worked for a minute before he said anything else. "Ariel moved back to wherever she'd come from, and we moved on. It was hilarious watching you learn how to deal with a baby, and I loved every second of it."
Sam snorted, "Like you'd be so much better."
"Hey! Who do you think raised you?! Dad really wasn't much help!" Dean smirked, then remembered the situation and straightened from the counter. "Anyway, we… We were happy. I moved up at the auto shop, you finished your law school and got a job at a small firm, and Lucas grew. And learned. God, that boy had your brains."
Sam found himself wishing he could've been a part of this dream. This wonderful dream where he and his brother were safe and Dean was happy. Truly happy and not worried about demons and dying. He watched as Dean fixed himself a cup of black coffee, then a cup for Sam with just the right amount of cream and sugar.
Dean crossed the room to hand Sam his coffee and was surprised when Sam took it, then wrapped his other hand around Dean's wrist. Sam leaned over and set the cup on the bedside table, then stood and slipped his free hand around the back of Dean's neck. "Sammy?"
"Sorry. Bear with me."
Dean felt himself blush as Sam looked over his face, taking in every feature and freckle. His eyes went wide, then clamped shut when Sam leaned in and softly brushed their lips together. Dean jerked away, spilling his coffee as he stumbled back.
"N-no, Sammy. Don't! I'll fix this, I swear! I just have to-" Sam yanked Dean back to him, one hand around his wrist lifted to shoulder level, the other slipping around his waist, putting them flush against each other.
"Hush, Dean. Let me try this. And then maybe you won't have to 'fix' anything." Before Dean could protest, Sam again pressed his lips to his brother's. A litany of wrongnobadBROTHER ran through Dean's head, but then Sam's tongue snuck out to run along the seam of Dean's lips, and his brain shut down. He could feel Sam smirk against his lips as he let out a whimper of pure need.
Sam broke away from the kiss, but he continued to pepper Dean's jaw with soft kisses, slowly moving up until he could nuzzle behind Dean's ear.
"Sammy," Dean's voice was barely a whisper.
"No. Don't tell me to stop. Not when I can see it's all you want." Sam nipped at his earlobe, and Dean's knees almost buckled.
"I won't lie. I've thought about it before." Dean's eyes flew open in shock. "When I was a kid, I wanted you. Wanted you so bad it hurt. But you never looked at me like that. So I ignored it. Pushed it down where I wouldn't think about it." Sam nudged Dean's cheek with his chin. "Why do you think I was so hesitant to go with you to find Dad? I was so scared it would all come back."
"No, Sammy. Don't." Dean shook his head. "Don't do this unless you're sure."
Sam rolled his eyes when Dean closed his eyes and turned his face down. He decided a different tactic was needed. But you know what they said about desperate times.
Dean's heart sank a little when Sam stepped back. But he had known it was coming. Sam wasn't meant to be with him.
kyu: Side note! I noticed that when I went to upload things, it took out my breaks since they were asterisks. So I changed them. Maybe that'll make the breaks more pronounced... Sorry!