Chapter Seventeen The Sorting Ceremony
Harry sat with Hermione and Ron at the Gryffindor table. Everyone was so excited no one paid attention to his quiet mood. He sat looking at Dumbledore, who's blue eyes wandered in his direction several times. He didn't even hear the Sorting Hat sing happily of a new era for Hogwarts, free of the dark clouds of war.
Everyone was clapping enthusiastically when Harry was silently pleading with the headmaster to not bring his name up during his opening speech. The Sorting Ceremony was underway and it gave Harry a moment to survey the head table. He caught Hagrid's eye and his friend grinned at him from the dense tangled beard. Harry smiled and nodded to him. Remus was also glancing at him periodically as one student after another took center stage and tried on the Sorting hat.
Harry found it difficult to let his gaze wander down the table to where Snape sat. He finally leaned back to let Ron shield his view and he looked quickly. It was very quick, but Harry had a chance to look at the Potion's Master.
Snape was looking back. They exchanged a brief glance that left an electric tingle running along Harry's spine. He quickly turned away and studied the grain in the table. Snape definitely looked different and had caused a stir in the hall. He was seated, dressed very neatly in a midnight-blue suit and robe and his hair was still a dark brown color and clean!
There was a mumbled conversation going on around Harry at their table as Professor McGonagall removed the three-legged stool. Harry heard snatches of words like: Dark Lord, Malfoys, Ministry and assorted jumbled and inaccurate versions of how Voldemort died.
"Harry," Ron whispered, leaning into him. "Did you notice Malfoy and his goons aren't here?"
Harry looked over to the Slytherin table. There were empty seats. He'd been so preoccupied he hadn't noticed Draco's familiar voice usually directed his way and egging him on. He nodded and turned to watch as Dumbledore stood to speak.
"We welcome you all, new students and old for another year at Hogwarts. Happily, I can announce that the news is true, Voldemort is dead." There was thunderous applause and Dumbledore nodded, his bushy eyebrows raised almost to his hairline. "I'm afraid that how and when this happened will remain a mystery to us all for awhile. But we are assured life will return to normal and we will do the same."
"I have the pleasure of announcing that the position of the Defense Against the Dark Arts position has again been filled with someone most of you already know, Mr. Remus Lupin." Dumbledore turned and bowed to Remus who stood briefly and waved to the shouts and hurrahs from his former students. His appearance had also changed, he was more youthful and his face was not as waxen and pale.
Harry clapped and stood along with others who favored his friend, which included all of the Gryffindors and most of the students from Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. When they had settled and Dumbledore once again had their attention, he smiled and continued, "I also have the pleasure of announcing the Head Girl and Head Boy have been chosen for this coming term. As you may or may not know, these students are chosen by the teachers. This year I have the pleasure to announce their names. Please come forward and receive your badges when I call your names."
Harry was gripping the table, filled with anxiety. He remembered the feeling he'd had when he'd learned Hermione and Ron were chosen as Prefects. He also remembered what Dumbledore had told him the last day of term only months before. He wasn't sure he was ready for another year of notoriety if he were chosen. He was also thinking how strange it would be to go through an entire year without it.
"Head Girl," Dumbledore said, "is Hermione Granger of Gryffindor." He smiled and clapped as Hermione stood and walked proudly to the front of the hall. He shook her hand and handed her a badge. She turned and smiled happily at the room. Harry noticed almost everyone was clapping.
Head Boy," Dumbledore continued, "is Ernie McMillan of Hufflepuff." Ernie stood and walked to the front while his House went wild with joy. Harry clapped along with everyone else, even though there were many who turned in his direction to stare at him. Hermione's smile faded slightly as she clapped along with the students and staff. She was also looking at him.
They were applauded back to their seats and Dumbledore proceeded to give his opening announcements. The feast started immediately after.
"I don't understand it, Harry!" Hermione pinned her badge on and was turning to him. "Almost everyone knows you killed Voldemort. I mean this place is a leaky cauldron when it comes to gossip. Ginny knew and Ron and me. We've all told everyone you did it. I would think that should have counted for something!" Her eyes were sparked in anger. She threw a glance at the head table and Dumbledore.
Harry laid his fork down, not feeling terribly hungry. He knew it wasn't from having not received the Head Boy position. He'd felt the same for days. "It's alright Hermione. I think it's great Ernie got it."
Ron was watching him and turned to his own plate. "Whatever you say mate," he mumbled. "I think it's a dirty shame."
Harry nudged him in the arm. "That counts more than anything," he said and smiled at his friend.
As soon as he could easily escape the table without attracting to much attention or gossip, he made an excuse to leave his friends behind. He walked out into the dark hallway alone. His feet led him towards the dungeons instead of towards the marble stairway and Gryffindor tower.
His thoughts drifted to Azkaban and how Hogwarts looked shiny and clean compared to the prison. He let the thoughts buzz through his head. It stopped him from fully experiencing the dull painrising periodically in his chest. He couldn't understand why he was hurting and disinterested in what was going on around him. He walked the dungeon corridor towards Snape's office and living quarters. Harry had not seen him since he was in the Department of Mysteries.
He walked slowly, hesitant to have the meeting he knew was coming. He wanted it but was afraid of the outcome. Then, he heard voices. It was Remus and Snape standing in Snape's quarters with the door open. Harry held his breath and slipped along the wall until he could hear the conversation.
"I have to be honest with him, Severus," Remus was saying. "Please try and understand I am not trying to cause any more grief between us. Indeed, I am here to make peace. You have your new family and I have nothing. I am close to Harry, he was my closest friends' son and I love him. We need a chance to have a fresh start with our lives. Give us time and we will settle in with one another. He has no other family."
"He has no other family?" Snape asked, coolly.
"I don't mean to be cruel, Severus, or bring back painful memories," Remus continued. "And…and I owe you a lot. I realize, I think for the first time, how much effort you have put into saving him and protecting him. I will be forever grateful and that is why I've come to you tonight. He is a young man, Severus and I think capable of making up his own mind. He needs to make the choice to be with me. He needs to know the truth."
Snape's cool deep voice echoed in the hallway. It was tinged with anger. "You will not give on this will you? Even if it hurts him? I promise you it will Lupin. It will haunt him." A chair scraped against the floor and Harry could see shadows moving in the room. A warm glow emanated from a fire and it was clear that neither of the men knew the door stood ajar.
Harry closed his eyes and pleaded for them to continue. They did.
"He knows most of it anyway," Snape said. "He even asked me directly."
"But you didn't tell him," Remus said. "You didn't because he would have told me."
Harry heard a moan, and the Severus spoke, "I don't know! Do you understand that? I don't know if he is my son. Lily didn't tell anyone. We both know he looks like James Potter and Lily. I have always taken it for granted he is James Potter's son."
Lupin moved so that Harry could see him in the crack of the door. "I knew how you felt about her, Severus. I was there that night. I was about to transform into the werewolf and I ran into the woods and I saw you two together. I knew and I never told James. I think he would have understood if she had told him and I know eventually she would have willingly told him about your relationship. Lily cared about you even though you made her promise to keep it a secret. That's what you did didn't you?"
"What do you want?" Snape asked in frustration. His words sounded as if they were wrenched from his throat. "I made her promise not to tell anyone to keep her safe. I was already involved in… with him. I was already spying for Voldemort. She was trying to get me to quit before I got hurt or in trouble." There was a pause and Snape continued, "She didn't love me."
Harry studied Lupin as he watched the hidden figure of Snape.
"Severus," Lupin spoke so softly that Harry leaned over to hear. "I know for a fact James loved her and I know she loved him, too. There was someone else there before she decided to marry him and that was you and then you left. You left her. I'm not sure I can forgive you for that. I saw what it did to her. No one else knew-ever!"
Lupin seemed to run out of energy but continued," I'm going to tell you something and I want you to think it over. I will shut up afterward and not bring this subject up again unless you come to me. As I've said, I intend to take care of Harry until he finishes school. I want him to be with me. I also want him to have the choice." Lupin straightened and took a deep breath. "James Potter couldn't have children, Severus. He'd caught a disease when he was young and he couldn't be healed...let's just say that Lily couldn't have gotten pregnant by him; nor by me, if you have that on your mind. We were never intimate; we loved each other as friends. So that leaves one person and only one. I have known it and believed in my heart all of these years and withheld it because I hated you so much."
"He looks like Potter," Snape said softly. He acts like him."
"I suppose all of us looked for that in him from the very beginning. We wanted to see it, I know I did. He really looks more like you and Lily. As for acting like James, I think not. I was with him much more than anyone else and there are differences. If you have been hard on him because you thought he was James' son, then you have something to feel badly about. Now that the Dark Lord is dead, Harry's features have changed. The burden has also come off your shoulders Severus. Look at him again. Look more closely."
There was total silence and Harry was holding his breath, feeling tears running down his own cheeks.