Disclaimer: Don't own Merlin.
Warnings: Violence, homophobia, language.
~III~
"I believe fairy tales like hot news,
How the Snow Queen's pinched
Enraptured child might desire
Nothing but to spell ETERNITY
From jags of ice, how Rumpelstiltskin
With the rage of any secret thing
That's named for what it is
Might stamp so hard the splintering
Could go on forever"
Merlin came out three years ago. Or rather was dragged out when a photo ended up on Facebook of him kissing some guy from Avalon at a party. He only found out when he arrived at school the next Monday and Gwen pulled him into an empty classroom to deliver the bad news.
Merlin had rarely ever felt such sheer unadulterated panic as he did at that moment.
"Does everyone know?" He managed to gasp out. "Does- does Arth-"
And then the door opened and suddenly Arthur was there, flanked by Gwaine and Lance and Freya, obviously all come to find him. And Merlin couldn't look at any of them, his hands shaking with shock as he struggled to process everything that was happening.
Then Arthur moved towards him and Merlin recoiled involuntarily, thinking for one wild moment Arthur was going to hit him. But he felt solid arms around his back and it took a moment for his brain to catch up to the fact that Arthur had him wrapped in a hug.
"I don't give a fuck," Arthur said distinctly. "And fuck anyone who does."
Merlin could feel tears pricking his eyes when Arthur finally released him and he turned to face his other friends, who were all smiling.
"I always thought you had a bit of a thing for me," Gwaine said and Freya smacked him on the arm. "Ow, what, I was lightening the mood!"
"Idiot," Lance said, and stepped forward to clap Merlin on the arm. "No-one's gonna care mate, I promise."
"Wait, so, do you think you're actually, like, gay Merlin?" Freya asked. "Or bi, or…"
"Tell me Freya, what's 'like, gay'?" Gwaine snickered and earned another smack on the arm.
"I- I… I don't know. It's all a bit… I didn't have to figure it out till now." Merlin stammered.
"You don't have to figure it out now, sweetheart," Gwen said warmly. "As long as you're happy."
"Right." Arthur said firmly. "Now get a move on, we're late for History and I need to copy your notes."
And Merlin had felt so lucky in that moment, so utterly loved by all of them that it was as if he was invincible.
~III~
But despite Lance's promise, people did care. People like Cenred in the year above and his cronies, who cornered Merlin two days later when he was walking home across the playing fields.
He saw them leaning by the goalposts and tried to divert his course slightly but they'd already seen him. He quickened his pace but they easily overtook him.
"Alright Emrys? Nice photo. Really captured your fag side."
Merlin was forced to stop walking as they blocked his path, but he kept his eyes down and his mouth shut. He had no intention of escalating the situation; his best chance was that they'd get bored and leave him alone.
"I recognise that kid you were with, Mordred. The little goth with all the piercings right? I bet he's into some kinky shit."
Cenred leaned in close to Merlin.
"Question Emrys, which one of you is the girl? Is it you? Do you bend over for him and let him jack you up like the little faggot you are?"
Merlin flinched, at both the language and the proximity of Cenred.
"Or is it Pendragon you're into? Is that why he lets you hang out with him? Because you suck his cock whenever he clicks his fingers?"
Rage clenched Merlin's chest.
"Fuck off."
"What did you say to me?" Cenred asked dangerously.
"Fuck off!" Merlin shouted, and made a desperate break for it; pushing one of the boys aside and attempting to run but Cenred pulled him back easily, twisting his arm up his back.
Merlin cried out at the sudden ache in his arm but then Cenred let go in favour of spinning him round and punching him square in the jaw. There was an explosion of white hot pain and Merlin was on the ground before he knew it, moaning. Then the beating began in earnest. He huddled up in a ball to avoid the worst of the kicks but it still hurt like hell and he was out of his mind with fear because he had no idea how far they would go, whether they might actually land him in hospital or worse.
Then the kicking ceased and Merlin uncurled slightly, only to be pushed onto his back as Cenred straddled his chest. He fisted his hand in Merlin's hair and tugged it backwards sharply, so that the white of Merlin's neck was exposed, using his other hand to trace a line across Merlin's throat.
"You're lucky we don't kill you, faggot," he said softly and Merlin couldn't breathe.
And then the weight on his chest lifted as Cenred got up and the whole gang walked away, laughing. He didn't dare move for a minute or so, scared it was a trap and they'd be on their way back, but when he finally turned his head there was no sign of them.
Merlin tried to sit up but sharp lasers of agony blasted through his ribs and sides, and he fell back down, panting. It hurt too much to try and get up.
He had to call someone to come help him.
His mum was at work and besides he really didn't want her to see him like this, she'd be distraught. And Gwen was away and Lance had no phone and Freya was too prone to panic and Gwaine was terrible in any kind of serious situation.
There was nothing for it. He called Arthur.
~III~
He was brief on the phone, saying he'd got in trouble and needed a hand.
He didn't expect Arthur to come so quick but he saw a blonde head in the distance less than fifteen minutes later and breathed a sigh of relief.
He could pinpoint the exact moment Arthur spotted him, because his friend suddenly broke into a run.
"Merlin? Merlin, what the hell happened?" Arthur's voice was rough and angry but Merlin could hear the fear in it.
"M'ok. Just- trouble getting up."
"What happened?" Arthur repeated slightly frantically, kneeling down beside him.
"Cenred and them lot," Merlin managed to get out. Even talking was painful.
Arthur's jaw clenched in anger.
"I'll kill him," he said, and his face was grim.
~III~
Arthur insisted they get a taxi back to his place so he could keep an eye on Merlin, and Merlin agreed – partially because he'd rather his mum didn't see him until he was cleaned up, and partly because he really didn't want to be alone.
Arthur made Merlin lie in his bed and attempted some clean up with the family first aid kit. Apparently Merlin's hisses of pain could be heard from beyond the room because about five minutes later, Arthur's scary sister Morgana swept in and silently took the cotton wool and TCP off Arthur and began tending to Merlin herself. She didn't ask any questions but she was surprisingly efficient in dressing Merlin's wounds and even went and located a dissolvable paracetemol when Merlin was having trouble swallowing.
He got permission from his mum to stay at Arthur's that night, and they watched DVDs together in Arthur's room and talked until the early hours of the morning.
Arthur had been lying in a make shift bed on the floor but at some point he clambered up to sit next to Merlin on the bed, and when they eventually lay down to sleep, it seemed natural that Arthur would just stay there. Merlin and Arthur had shared a bed plenty of times before, especially this one, which was deliciously spacious and soft.
Just as Merlin was beginning to drift off, Arthur spoke.
"Have you… I mean… how long have you known you were gay?"
"Mmm? Oh. I don't know. Maybe a few months now."
He could see Arthur looking at him in the dim light of single lamp, clearly wanting him to elaborate.
"I guess, I thought it was weird I didn't really like any girls, and when me and Freya went out that time it was really awkward and I started to wonder…"
"So, on Saturday…"
"Um, well, I was just chatting to this guy and he gave me one of his beers and it was just nice…"
Merlin tailed off, feeling strange to be talking about this with Arthur. He didn't know if his friend was trying to prove he was comfortable with Merlin's sexuality, or if he was genuinely curious.
"Go on," Arthur prompted.
In for a penny…
"Yeah well, we ended up outside and we were sat on that little bench thing and I was just talking about something and then he just… kissed me."
It was the first time Merlin had kissed a boy and he'd been surprised by the smoky sweetness of Mordred's mouth, the gentle pressure of his tongue. It was… kind of wonderful, actually. And all the more so for being unexpected. Despite Merlin getting to grips with liking boys, he harboured no hopes of them liking him back. He assumed he'd have just a little luck as he always had, what with his sticky out ears and awkward frame and general clumsiness. Who in their right mind would want him?
But Mordred had. Had genuinely seemed to like him, been interested in what he had to say, been attracted to him enough to kiss him. It had been a rare moment of pure happiness for Merlin.
"Didn't know bloody Vivian was sneaking round with her camera phone though," Merlin said bitterly. So much for coming out of the closet when he was good and ready. It was more like the closet door had been ripped open by a .
He turned to face Arthur and winced at the sudden pressure on his ribs. He could see Arthur tense up, even in the relative darkness.
"I really am gonna kill Cenred, you know."
"Don't," Merlin said. "You'll get in trouble. It's not worth it."
"It's definitely worth it." Arthur said determinedly.
"They'll probably just come after me again," Merlin said and felt sick at the thought.
"No-one's coming after you again. Consider me your personal bodyguard."
Merlin giggled.
"Like in that Whitney Houston film?"
"If you start singing, I'm officially resigning." Arthur said and they both laughed.
Then Arthur was silent for a while and Merlin began to wonder if he'd fallen asleep when his friend suddenly spoke.
"I was scared today. When I first saw you from the edge of the field, it looked like you were… like you were…"
Arthur's voice cracked slightly and on impulse Merlin reached out under the covers and took his hand.
"I'm fine," he said and gave it a gentle squeeze.
Arthur squeezed back.
"Good. Don't know what I'd do without you."
And then, so quickly Merlin often looked back in years to come wondering if he'd simply imagined it, Arthur leaned forward and brushed his lips against Merlin's. Then he rolled back over and turned the light out.
They didn't talk again that night, and in the morning Arthur was gone, leaving Merlin a note to lie in and not worry about school. So he spent most of the morning in Arthur's bed until Not-So-Scary-After-All-Morgana drove him back to his house, where he spent most of the afternoon wondering what the night before had been about.
They never did bring it up again but the next day Merlin returned to school to find Arthur had been suspended for a week for fighting with Cenred. Cenred, who had been on his last warning, had been expelled.
~III~
For some reason, it's that tiny kiss/not kiss that Merlin thinks of now, with Arthur standing in front of him demanding an explanation.
Because once when he was vulnerable, Arthur fixed him; took him home to his bed and kissed him and protected him. And now he's vulnerable again and some small part of him wants Arthur to fix him a second time, to take him in his arms and swear to fight Merlin's demons like he fought them three years ago.
But that was then and this is now and Merlin no longer believes in fairy tales where everything comes right in the end.
And Arthur doesn't want him and Arthur cannot save him.
He suddenly feels horribly tired. He wants Arthur to go, wants his friend to forget all about this. He wants to be left alone to his bad choices and his terrible loneliness and his empty cupboards.
"Merlin? Are you even listening?"
Merlin drags his eyes back to Arthur's face and sees that same look of pity Arthur's been wearing ever since he woke up in the nurse's office. For some reason, it infuriates him.
"No, because you're boring me."
Arthur's jaw tightens but he won't lose his cool, Merlin can see that. His friend is determined to be diplomatic and caring and a hundred other irritating things that Merlin can't stand right now. He doesn't want to be treated with kid gloves or "understood", especially not by Arthur. It only knocks him down another peg, makes him the charity case that Arthur looks after rather than the best friend he used to be.
Still, there's one advantage ex-best friends always have. They know exactly how to wind each other up.
"I'm just worried," Arthur starts again, and Merlin sneers.
"Do you have to be such a girl, Arthur? I skipped a couple of meals, there's no need to go all Trisha on me."
"Right, well it's clearly not just a couple of meals, is it?" Arthur says and he's beginning to sound annoyed so Merlin presses his advantage.
"Just because I don't gorge myself on carbs like all you super-jock football players," Merlin jeers, and then adds, in a dead-on Valiant impression, "Maybe I should go get a protein shake, bro!"
"Stop pretending this isn't a problem! For God's sake Merlin, there's no food in your house."
Merlin plays his trump card.
"How would you know how much food is usually in my house?"
"What?"
"When was the last time you were in my house? Weeks? Months? Can you even remember?"
Arthur tries to bluster.
"So I haven't been round recently. I've been-"
"Busy, I know," Merlin interrupts. "Busy with Mithian, busy with football, busy with anything and anyone that isn't me."
Arthur seems at a loss for words.
"I see you every day," he eventually says.
"Yeah," Merlin says. "For five minutes between class, or fifteen at lunch before you have to go. But you always wave at me in the corridor, I'll give you that."
"Where is all this coming from?"
"It's coming from the fact that I've barely seen you in three months and suddenly you think you have a right to accuse me of having a problem. It doesn't work like that!"
Merlin's shouting now and he doesn't even know why because he doesn't want to fight with Arthur, in fact all he wants to do is sleep, just curl up on the couch right there and pretend none of this is happening.
Arthur looks… it's difficult to tell. Still that damn pity there, but there's guilt mixed in too, and concern.
It's too much and Merlin doesn't want it.
"Can you go please?" He says.
"Merlin-"
"I want you to go. I need to rest. Can you just leave?"
Arthur clearly wants to refuse but Merlin can see he's also totally wrong-footed by the things Merlin said to him, not wanting to spark another row.
"I… alright. But this conversation is on hold, not over, okay? I'm not letting this go."
Merlin doesn't bother to reply. As far as he's concerned, this conversation is over forever.
He leaves very slowly, casting Merlin pleading looks as he goes, hoping for a reprieve. But Merlin looks away, lying down on the couch and closing his eyes until Arthur finally gets the message.
~III~
He must have fallen asleep because when he wakes up it's dark outside, and his phone is buzzing. There's a new text from Arthur that simply reads 'Check outside your door'. When he does he finds two grocery bags full to the brim with food.
It almost makes Merlin smile. He can see some of his favourite foods in there; chocolate digestives and raspberries and fresh tagliatelle, and he feels a pang that he's sure is nothing to do with hunger as he empties both bags into the bin.