Disclaimer: Don't own Merlin
Warnings: Drug use, minor violence, language, possible dub-con (some people would argue that sexual relations under the influence of drugs is dub-con)
A/N: This chapter is FULL OF EMOTION. Sorry if it's a bit OTT.
~III~
"Close now, this nothing-
hungry thing that fills
him, that empties him…"
A week passes. After months of absence, Arthur is suddenly everywhere. Waiting for Merlin outside school, sitting with him at lunch, even following him to the library.
Arthur wants the truth but Merlin's smarter than that. He knows that he has the stamina to stonewall his friend out for a very long time. Arthur does not. He is impatient above all else; he has no sticking power. He will grow bored, and forget, and Merlin will be left alone again.
It's not quite clear to Merlin why he wants that, why he wants to be left alone, but he knows that's the way it will happen so why delay the inevitable?
He hates Arthur a little for doing this but not as much as he hates the small part of himself that's glad, that's pathetically grateful that Arthur's spending time with him again. Even if it is only out of pity.
Merlin keeps the conversation light. When Arthur asks him if he's eaten today or offers him a snack he just pretends not to hear or changes the topic. Occasionally Arthur will bring the subject up directly, only when they're alone together, and Merlin will simply gather together his belongings and walk away.
Arthur learns, eventually. He stops mentioning it, keeps the conversation on neutral ground, but Merlin can still feel his friend's eyes on him, full of concern.
He hates it and he loves it.
Then it's three weeks since he fainted and Merlin senses Arthur's getting the message because he seems less intense when they're together, quicker to slip into the easy banter they used to share. It doesn't come naturally to Merlin anymore but he plays along. It's this casual attempt at normality that eventually does for him when Mithian announces a party at her house this Friday.
"I can't go," he says automatically. "I'm busy on Friday. Gotta see my Gran."
"Shame it's not Saturday," Arthur says and Merlin nods in agreement.
He realises he's been trapped too late, as Arthur turns to Mithian and says:
"Babe, could we do it on Saturday instead? I mean, your parents are away the whole weekend right?"
"Yeah, why not?" Mithian says, smiling at Merlin. "Can't have a party without Arthur's best friend after all."
She's nice, genuinely nice, and that just makes it so much harder. Merlin glares at Arthur, convinced he did this on purpose. And he can't back out now because that would look odd, would give the lie to this whole 'normal' façade he's been carefully constructing the past few weeks.
"Great," he says, forcing a smile and Gwaine claps him on the back.
"Sweet! Now we just need to find the lucky lady going as my date."
"I heard the women's prison is on day release Saturday," Freya deadpans and Gwaine sticks his tongue out at her and Gwen throws a chip at him.
Merlin can't focus on his friends. Is he imagining it or does Arthur keep flicking glances at him? What exactly is he playing at?
~III~
Standing in front of his wardrobe on Saturday night, Merlin feels sick. He knows Arthur's going to try to talk to him tonight, he can just feel it, and he's not up for the fight. He's too tired to lie. All he can do is make an appearance, avoid Arthur as best he can, and then sneak home as soon as possible.
He wriggles into a black t-shirt and then pulls on a long sleeved black and white plaid shirt. They're not noticeably loose but his black jeans are another matter, threatening to slip right down past his hips. He ends up working a new notch into his belt and practically tying his trousers in place.
When he looks at himself in the mirror, the effect is… underwhelming. His ears look impossibly large, even hidden amongst messy tufts of his scarecrow hair, and his face looks sharp and worn. The black smudges under his eyes look ridiculous somehow, like he's smeared eye shadow there. He feels a sudden stab of envy that girls have make up to cover all of this up.
(who are you trying to impress anyway?)
No-one. He couldn't even if he tried. He feels sickened suddenly to think what Arthur sees when he looks at him. Does Arthur wince when he casts an eye over him, the messy, boney, awkward, gangling calamity of him? What was that Arthur had said in the nurse's office?
("merlin, you look terrible")
Of course Arthur thinks that. Arthur who is quite literally taking the piss with his big blue eyes and golden skin and Greek God physique. It's like a fairy-tale, with Arthur as the handsome prince and Merlin as the horrible creature he has to defeat – the witch or the troll or the monster – to win the princess.
Merlin decides he's going to drink a lot tonight.
~III~
He's on edge from the moment he gets there, he's never liked parties that much and there seems to be so much riding on tonight, he's nearly shaking with nerves. But Gwaine, bless him, presses a beer into his hand, and then another when that one's done and he feels better. Calmer. He's only seen Arthur briefly so far, he's been with Mithian mostly, fulfilling the hosting duties.
But he's perched on the couch when he notices Arthur making his way directly over to him, and he gets up quickly and cuts through the kitchen to the back garden, losing himself in the crowd of people.
He doesn't know if Arthur saw him go out but he doesn't want to take any chances, so he prises the door open to the shed at the bottom of the garden and slips inside. The light's already on and it takes him a moment to realise there's someone else in there.
"What the- oh Merlin, it's you."
He blinks at the figure crouched on the floor and realises it's only Gilli. He and Merlin used to sit together in maths, and though they don't speak much anymore, they're on friendly terms.
"Gilli? Why are you in-"
Merlin trails off as he finally takes in the table Gilli's crouched in front of and sees a driving license and a little packet of white powder.
Oh.
"Sorry, I'll just-" he mumbles, turning towards the door in embarrassment.
"Relax Merlin, it's just coke." Gilli sounds amused, like he used to when Merlin would solve the equation in half the time the rest of the class did and leave Mr Benson scratching his head in bemusement.
"Yeah I know, I just-"
"Look, I'm guessing you burst in here because you wanted to get away from that party as much as I did, so just sit down and stop freaking out."
Merlin must still look sceptical because Gilli laughs again, but not meanly.
"It's not an episode of Grange Hill, Merlin. I'm not gonna peer pressure you into doing drugs or anything. I'm just saying you're welcome to share my hide-out."
Merlin contemplates for a moment, then sits down on a deck chair.
"Why are you hiding?" he asks.
Gilli shrugs, shaking out a little powder onto the table.
"Not exactly my scene. I came to see if anyone wanted to buy any…" he gestures to the table. "But it's not really that kind of vibe tonight."
Merlin can't help but be fascinated by what Gilli's doing, flattening and chopping the powder until he's carved out a neat white line.
"What about you?" Gilli says, startling him out of his reverie.
"Oh. I just… Not in the mood, I guess." Merlin says.
He's trying to keep his tone light but from the way Gilli's looking at him, he's not sure he's been successful. But Gilli doesn't say anything, just nods at him. Then:
"Do you want some?"
The word 'no' is forming on Merlin's lips when he hesitates. He's never taken anything before, not beyond the joints passed round at parties and some weird pill at a festival that Gwaine said was herbal speed and made Merlin feel like someone had taken a whisk to his stomach.
Arthur doesn't do drugs. He thinks it'll mess with his football game, thinks it's for burnouts and losers.
Fuck Arthur.
Merlin nods and heads over to the table.
"Wait," Gilli says and he pulls a fiver from his pocket, rolling it up into a tube. "Make it easier."
He hands Merlin the little tube and Merlin feels a brief flash of nerves before he squares his shoulders and dips his head. He puts the end of the tube to the line and snorts.
Nothing happens. Gilli takes the fiver back, nodding in approval as he cuts another line for himself.
"Is this it?" Merlin says and Gilli grins and tells him to give it a minute.
"This might help," he says, and he licks the end of his finger and dips it in the remaining powder. Then, without warning, he sticks his finger in Merlin's mouth. Merlin is so shocked it takes him a moment to realise that Gilli is rubbing the granules onto his gums. It tastes sharp and salty and the whole experience is bizarre and intimate.
Then Gilli withdraws his finger, grinning.
"Thanks for the warning," Merlin says eventually, because he can't think of what else to say. Gilli just waggles his eyebrows and goes back to his own line.
Then Merlin's gums start to go numb and it freaks him out a little but Gilli tells him it's normal. So Merlin sits back and tries to decide how he feels.
Nice, he thinks. He was expecting some big dramatic effect, an instant kick, but it seems to be coming on slowly. He doesn't feel trippy or out of his body or hyped up. He just feels kind of happy, and ever so slightly giggly, and a little bit turned on.
He doesn't quite realise he's said this last bit out loud until Gilli snorts in amusement.
"That's how it goes for some people."
And Merlin's not sure what gives him the courage but he fixes his eyes on Gilli and says, "Is that how it goes for you?"
There's silence for a moment but Merlin weirdly doesn't feel nervous or embarrassed. Whether or not it's the placebo effect, he feels like the coke is giving him some kind of new confidence. And he knows he's right about this, knew how Gilli felt the minute he stuck his finger in Merlin's mouth.
Gilli doesn't speak, just beckons him over. He puts the rolled up fiver back in Merlin's hand and guides his head back to the table and Merlin takes the second line like a pro.
Then he looks up and there's only a spilt second of eye contact before Gilli's mouth is on his.
It's not like Mordred, or even the small handful of guys Merlin's kissed since then. It's harsh and a bit desperate and Gilli tastes like salt and his tongue is bruising in Merlin's mouth.
They end up on the floor, Gilli on top of Merlin, grinding his hips into him and it hurts and Merlin is so fucking hard and he bucks upwards and Gilli presses him down again, mouthing at Merlin's neck.
Gilli pulls Merlin's shirt over his head, tossing it aside, and runs his hand under his t-shirt. He grazes a nipple and Merlin whimpers slightly.
Then he's tugging at Merlin's jeans and Merlin's desperately trying to help undo his belt, then Gilli suddenly pauses and says "I don't have… do you have…" and it takes a second for Merlin's brain to catch up, and then another second for him to decide he doesn't care.
"Do it anyway," he hisses in Gilli's ear, releasing his belt for a moment to press his hand into Gilli's crotch and Gilli actually moans.
And Merlin doesn't care that this is his first time, that he's thought about this for years, that he always hoped it'd be special, and it'd be with someone who loved him.
More fairy-tales. Who fucking needs them?
And Gilli's finally got his belt off and he's working at Merlin's zipper and Merlin's breath is coming in short fast pants because he wants he wants he wants…
Then the shed door opens, and Arthur's standing there.
~III~
It takes Arthur about five seconds to fully understand the picture in front of him, and when he does he blushes in a way that Merlin hasn't seen for years.
"Shit, I'm so sorry-" he begins and Merlin can feel rather than see Gilli roll his eyes.
"It's fine Pendragon, could you just take your cock block somewhere else please?"
There are so many emotions playing across Arthur's face that Merlin's having trouble keeping up, especially in his addled state. Then like a shield coming down, Arthur's face closes off.
"Sorry," he says once more and turns to go. Then catches sight of the table.
Oh shit.
When Arthur turns back round he looks genuinely, unbelievably furious.
"What the fuck is this?" he spits.
"What does it look like, fuckwit?" Gilli says; his patience with Arthur's interruption fully exhausted.
Arthur makes a sudden motion, like he's about to hit Gilli. But he just leans down and pushes him, so that Gilli rolls off Merlin and crashes into the shed wall.
"Get up. Now." Arthur says to Merlin and he doesn't wait for an answer, grabbing Merlin's wrist and dragging him to his feet.
"Ow, what the fuck, Arthur?" Merlin says because he's still in a daze and he knows Arthur doesn't like drugs but this all seems like a bit of an overreaction.
"I'm taking you home," Arthur says, still gripping his arm.
"The fuck you are." Gilli says, scrambling to his feet. "He's not your dog Pendragon, you don't get to collar him whenever you feel like it."
"Don't you fucking push me," says Arthur, and his voice is deadly quiet. "You gave my friend drugs and then you took advantage of him. I should fucking kill you."
"Jesus, Arthur, that's not what happened!" Merlin says, aghast, but Arthur doesn't respond, just drags him towards the door. And Merlin barely has time to do up his zip before he's pulled blinking into the night sky, catching one last glimpse of Gilli as the shed door bangs shut.
Arthur doesn't speak till they reach the car and even then it's only a terse "Get in," as he shoves Merlin towards the passenger door.
~III~
The fog has begun to clear from Merlin's mind as Arthur nears his house. But he still feels totally overwhelmed and over stimulated, the night's events playing in his mind. The high's wearing off but he's still drunk and a million different feelings are bubbling up inside of him.
But when Arthur frogmarches him into his flat and all but throws him down onto the couch, one feeling rises to the foreground of his mind.
Anger.
"You finished with the fucking caveman act then, Arthur?" he hisses, and Arthur looks more furious than he had in the shed, if that were even possible.
"Don't turn this round on me! What the hell were you thinking? Fucking cocaine, Merlin!"
"It was a bit of coke Arthur, I wasn't exactly shooting up in a back alley," Merlin yells back. "It's called having fun!"
"And that was fun, was it? Getting so off your face you'll let any random guy touch you up?"
"It wasn't some random guy! And get the stick out of your ass Arthur, that's what people do at parties, get wasted and have sex!"
"Oh and that's what you wanted, is it? Losing your virginity to Gilli IN A SHED, while you're high as fuck on drugs he gave you?"
It stings that Arthur knows he's a virgin, stings that he brings it up now.
"Hypocrite!" Merlin spits. "I walked in on you and Gwen two years ago at a party and I didn't go all pyscho on you!"
"Because that was completely consensual!"
"So was tonight!" Merlin can't remember being this angry in a long time. "Gilli was right, you do treat me like your fucking dog!"
Arthur slams his fist against the wall.
"I was only trying to protect you from your OWN FUCKING STUPIDITY! I didn't want you to wake up tomorrow and regret making such an awful mistake!"
"It's my mistake to make!" Merlin's aware that he's screaming now and he doesn't care. "I should be allowed to make my own mistakes!"
And suddenly Arthur is right in front of him and he doesn't say anything, just lays his palm flat on Merlin's stomach and says, very quietly:
"Like this?"
And Merlin doesn't twig what he's saying for a second, and then he does, and he slaps Arthur's hand away like it's on fire.
"I told you to drop that," he warns.
"Why?" Arthur says, and his voice is dangerous. "There's nothing wrong, right? That's what you told me, isn't it?"
"Right," Merlin grits out.
"Then I believe you. Because friends don't lie to each other, do they?" Arthur's tone hasn't changed and it makes the hair on Merlin's neck stand up.
"You're perfectly healthy, isn't that right?"
"Yes!" Merlin half-shouts.
And then, out of nowhere, Arthur is tugging Merlin's t-shirt up.
"Show me, then. Let's see what this perfectly healthy body looks like."
"Get off!" Merlin growls, pushing at Arthur's hands but Arthur's stronger and he manages to pull the shirt over Merlin's head even though he's fighting him tooth and claw. Then Arthur's half-dragging him, half-carrying him towards the door to his bedroom and Merlin realises what he intends to do, pull Merlin in front of that full length mirror and make him stand there and fuck…
He jabs his elbow back into Arthur's stomach and hears a satisfying grunt of pain, then he follows it up by kicking Arthur in the shin and Arthur grunts again, allowing Merlin to wriggle out his grasp and turning to face his friend. And Arthur puts his hands up in supplication, as if he knows it's gone too far, but it's too fucking late for that so Merlin socks him in the jaw as hard as he can. Arthur reels back and Merlin raises his fist again but Arthur catches it this time and wrestles him down to the floor and Merlin's kicking out desperately but Arthur's so much stronger and Merlin's running out of energy, his limbs and joints are already protesting the exertion and he feels light headed…
And Arthur's sitting on his chest, pinning his hands down, not hard, just enough so Merlin can't hit him and Merlin's opening his mouth to unleash a tirade of invective when he focuses his eyes on Arthur's face and Arthur's… crying?
He's properly crying, tears coming down his face, his breath hitching in his throat. And it's so utterly shocking that Merlin goes completely limp.
"Arthur?" he says gently, and Arthur climbs off him, crawling across the floor to sit with his back against the far wall, head in his hands.
Merlin sits up to look at him.
"Arthur?" he says again, and his friend looks up, eyes wet.
"I'm sorry," he whispers. "I'm so sorry Merlin. I didn't mean-"
Merlin crawls over till he's sat in front of Arthur. And he doesn't really see the eighteen year old Arthur in front of him, more the thirteen year old boy that woke in Merlin's bed from a nightmare once, weeping because he'd seen his dead mother in his sleep.
Merlin had rolled over that time and hugged his friend until they both slept again. But this time he can't do more than kneel in front of Arthur and watch him, shivering slightly as the cold air caresses his naked back.