Disclaimer: Don't own Merlin.
Warnings: Language
A/N: High time I thanked you wonderful reviewers! Dee, Reality's Desire, EmmiLestrange, mersan123, grxce, lovePEOPLEandCOWBOY, you all freaking rock!
This particular offering could be subtitled 'The One Where Arthur Finally Gets A Clue'. I do hope you like it.
~III~
"Ketones: a sour chemical smell on his skin
like a darkroom with blackouts on windows
with shallow trays of fluid silky-still
as a swimming pool after lights-out,
their monochromes hardening. Developed,
they will close the family album."
He doesn't expect Merlin to be at school on Monday but he is. Arthur sees him slip quietly into the back of Politics, the only class they have together. Arthur had saved him a seat but he isn't surprised to see Merlin walk straight past it, settling down on an empty desk on the far side of the room. It still hurts though; a tiny shock of pain – bearable in itself but carrying the heavy promise of similar injury. Like a pin prick before a lumbar puncture, Arthur is aware it will be the first of many to come if Merlin makes good on his promise to ignore him.
He tries to crane his neck to look at Merlin, to see if he looks any better or worse since Friday, but Mr Llewyn frowns at him and he tries to pull his mind back to centralised federalism. His texts to Merlin over the weekend had gone unanswered but Hunith had sent him a brief message on Sunday to say thank you and that she was looking after her son.
It's not enough for Arthur. He needs to know for himself and so he tries at the end of the class, even though he senses the futility.
"Hey. How's it going?"
Merlin continues to shove his books into his bag as though he hasn't heard.
"You didn't answer any of my texts," Arthur says and he doesn't care that a couple of classmates are lingering to listen. Let him sound like a clingy boyfriend, he's not bothered.
Merlin just hoists his bag up on one thin shoulder and then makes his way out of the room. Arthur follows, falling into step with him in the corridor.
"Are you really not going to speak to me?" Arthur says, swallowing a lump in his throat as Merlin cuts through the crowd. It's weirdly disconcerting, being ignored, as though Arthur is invisible and no-one can see him anymore. Especially being ignored by Merlin. It's like Arthur's right arm's suddenly fallen off.
Merlin turns suddenly into a classroom and Arthur follows him, not caring that this is blatantly not his lesson.
"I was only trying to help," he says, quietly, standing by Merlin's desk as he unpacks his bag.
Merlin opens up his book of war poetry and thumbs through the pages.
"I broke up with Mithian," Arthur says bluntly because he wants to surprise Merlin into speaking. It almost works, Merlin's hands definitely falter as they turn a page, and he hears a little intake of breath.
But just as he's wondering if he's cracked it, an imperious voice cuts through the air.
"Mr Pendragon, have you had a sudden change of heart towards the literary side of life? I can only assume you've decided to make a very late bid for an English Literature A-Level, as there's no other possible reason you should be standing in my class."
Mrs Loughton is bearing down on him, wire rimmed glasses pushed down to the edge of her nose.
"I wanted to sit in," Arthur says firmly.
"Discovered a sudden affinity for the war poets, have you?" Mrs Loughton says disbelievingly.
"Yes," Arthur says stoutly. "I like them, I… I think they're… great."
"Well, with insights like that I'm sure you'd be a marvellous addition to our little group. Pray tell, who is your favourite bard of the Great War, hmm?"
Arthur's mind does a frantic dash through everything he's ever known about poetry, and draws a gigantic, glaring blank.
Some guy with a weird name, like Bassoon or something… or William something who did that one with the Latin in… oh bollocks to this…
He's about to concede defeat when he hears a faint drumming noise below him. He looks down to see that while Merlin is still staring resolutely ahead of him, his finger is tapping insistently down on a page in his book. A page that says…
"Ivor Gurney," Arthur says triumphantly. "I like 'Strange Hells'."
Mrs Loughton looks completely wrong-footed.
"Yes, well… Gurney happens to be a favourite of mine, too." She scrutinises Arthur for a moment. "I suppose you can take a seat, just for this lesson."
Arthur nods his thanks and sits down next to Merlin. He hopes that Merlin's help might have indicated a cessation of hostilities but Merlin continues to blank him for the whole of the class.
Still, it meant something… Merlin didn't want to see Arthur embarrassed or made to look stupid, on some level he must still care…
He wonders about that little intake of breath when he mentioned Mithian.
It was true anyway, not some ploy he'd concocted. She'd come round on Sunday because he'd promised to cook her lunch but she'd found him hunched over his laptop in his bedroom, doing more research on eating disorders. He snapped the screen shut as soon as he saw her and then it was all 'what are you hiding from me?' and 'what's been going on?'
Arthur couldn't blame her. He'd been beyond absent as a boyfriend recently. He'd been cancelling dates left right and centre, acting distracted in her presence, blowing her off at school to chase Merlin. It was with a sudden ache that he realised she deserved much better than this: a barely-there boyfriend with no room for anything in his mind other than Merlin.
It was horrible though, doing it. She cried and he felt like the world's worst person.
But he knows he can only give his full focus to one thing at a time and right now that thing was Merlin. Even if said focus was pretending he didn't exist.
~III~
Merlin gives him the slip after English Lit. He doesn't show up to lunch either and Arthur isn't surprised. What does surprise him is that his friends at large seem to have finally clocked on to something not being right.
"What's wrong with Merlin?" Gwen says as she slips into the seat opposite Arthur, forgoing even a hello.
Arthur plays dumb.
"I don't know. Why would there be anything wrong with him?"
Lance gives him A Look across the table and even Gwaine rolls his eyes at Arthur's apparent obliviousness.
"Well, he hasn't spoken to any of us in days and he's not here for lunch as usual. Then there's the small matter of that mad dash out of Pizza Express, with you following him."
Gwen's giving Arthur a hard stare and he squirms, hating the fact that she can still read him so well, even though they're not together anymore.
"I don't know what happened-" he starts weakly and Freya cuts him off.
"What happened is that he went to the bathroom and you went after him and you were both gone for ages; then you both ran off. Clearly you know something."
They're all looking at him now and he's sweating slightly because he doesn't know what to say. He can't tell the truth because he'll kill any hope for reconciliation between him and Merlin. But he doesn't want to lie to his friends, they deserve more than that. And they're not stupid, they know something's up.
"Look, I… it's not really my place to say..."
"Were you arguing, Arthur?" Gwen's looking very intently at him.
"Why would we be arguing?" Arthur says defensively.
"Maybe… maybe Merlin said something you didn't like." Gwen's eyes are very bright.
"Like what?"
Gwen and Freya exchange a glance and Arthur gets an odd feeling, like the one he had with Hunith the other day, as though they're talking at cross purposes.
He's pleased to see Gwaine looks as confused as he is, but Lance is studiously looking down at his plate and just what the hell is going on here anyway?
"Can you just say what you're trying to say?" Arthur snaps because he's getting frustrated now and it seems like they've all come to the conclusion he's to blame for Merlin's disappearance.
No one says anything for ages and then Freya suddenly blurts out:
"Did you hook up with Merlin?"
"What the fuck?" Arthur says instantly because of all the things he might have expected, that one was precisely nowhere on his list.
Lance closes his eyes and Gwen's glaring daggers at Freya but other than Gwaine (judging by his open mouth) none of them seem exactly surprised by her question.
"Why the hell would any of you think that?" Arthur says slowly, his brain still trying to process the words.
"Because… because Merlin's been so sad lately and you two have stopped hanging around so much and then suddenly you're all best buds again and then we go out for that meal and you and Merlin have some kind of confrontation in the bathroom and then…" Gwen trails off.
"I have a girlfriend," Arthur hisses, even though that seems distinctly beside the point, and also…
"Didn't you break up yesterday?" Lance says quietly.
"Yes, thank you Lance, we did but I can assure it you it was nothing to do with some fucking imaginary affair I'm having with Merlin!"
Arthur gapes at all of them.
"This is such a fucking ridiculous conclusion to come to."
"Not that ridiculous," Gwaine says and Arthur spins round to glare at him.
"Hey, don't shoot the messenger," Gwaine says, putting his hands up in supplication. "This is the first I've heard of this too but I'm just saying, it's not beyond the realms of possibility, is it?"
"Why?" Arthur spits.
"Well it's always been a bit more than friendship with youse guys, hasn't it, and you were always like this little club of two, and the kid's been in love with you since God knows when and- what? What did I say?"
Lance is elbowing Gwaine viciously in the ribs but Arthur barely even notices because his mind is spinning like a high top.
The kid's been in love with you since God knows when.
That wasn't true.
That couldn't be true.
He would know if Merlin was…
Merlin.
In a sickening rush that whole confused conversation with Hunith on Friday night comes back to him and he finally understands what she was really talking about.
What had she said?
I suppose the signs were there for years though really.
You won't hate him, will you Arthur?
Because I don't think he could bear it.
"Oh my God," Arthur breathes and it's almost like the world tilts on its axis a bit.
Could Merlin really like him that way? And could he have never noticed?
Arthur thinks back to Merlin first coming out, thinks back to the time they spooned in his bed, the time he grazed his lips across his friend's…
His friends look panicked.
"Arthur… what Gwaine said… it's not-" Gwen can't seem to find the words but Arthur isn't interested anyway, he has to get up, get away and think.
"I have to go," he mutters, pulling back his chair and standing to leave. Then he sits back down.
"Do you know what's really offensive about all this? It's not that you all thought I was gay, because there's no shame in that, and it's not even that you thought that I was cheating on Mithian all this time. It's that you genuinely believed I would hook up with Merlin and then dump him like trash. Thanks for the vote of confidence."
They look stricken as he walks away. The anger is already draining out of his body; he'll probably be talking to them by the end of the day because honestly he doesn't have room for any thoughts right now other than ones of Merlin.
He has to get away, he can't think properly. He gets in his car, intending to drive back to his house, but somehow he ends up going in the opposite direction. He drives for an hour or so and parks in a field in what feels exactly like the middle of nowhere.
A whole hour's drive spent thinking and he still doesn't understand anything.
He tries to tell himself he still has no actual evidence that Merlin likes him, other than the suspicions of his friend. But something's changed inside him, it's like one of those picture illusions where you suddenly see the two faces and you can't find the vase anymore at all. Call it an instinct, a gut feeling, but somehow he knows it's true about Merlin's feelings.
There's a sudden jolt to his heart as he thinks about Merlin's current condition. Did he cause this? By never noticing, by unwittingly rejecting Merlin… Is he the reason Merlin stopped eating?
Arthur's breath is coming fast and he forces himself to calm down. All those books and websites he read, they all said the same thing. No-one is to blame for anorexia. Often it doesn't have one solid trigger. Friends and family often feel guilty but it isn't their fault.
Arthur tries very hard to believe it, sat in his car in the back end of beyond. But he has to admit it can't have helped Merlin.
Aside from the guilt, he tries to analyse how he feels in general about the news. It's a bit… odd, to say the least. Like Freya or Lance suddenly announcing they loved him, except much much weirder because it's Merlin, the best and closest friend he ever had. One of the most important people in his life.
It's almost like… he doesn't know. Like he's been playing a game for a long time and suddenly all the rules have changed and he can't tell where he stands anymore.
Will he act different around Merlin now? Should he? Does he need to tell Merlin that he knows, or will that upset his friend? But how can he go back to pretending he doesn't have a clue?
Gwen's been phoning persistently for the last hour and he's been ignoring it because he can't quite shake the last vestiges of anger at her and all of them. But when his phone goes again he picks it up because they all need to present a united front now to help Merlin, and anyway, he could seriously do with some advice.
"Arthur! I'm so so sorry! I don't know what we were thinking, accusing you of that, of course none of us think you'd ever hurt Merlin! God, please don't be mad, we were idiots!"
Arthur lets Gwen burble on for a while, smiling in spite of himself. Gwen hates to fall out with anyone, she told him once it makes her stomach hurt.
"Shouldn't you be in class?" he says drily.
"Fuck class," Gwen says vehemently and just like that Arthur forgives her, because Gwen never swears or skips class so she obviously really wanted to make up with him.
"Alright, calm down Guinevere, no need to go all James Dean on me."
He can almost hear her smiling down the phone; especially since he called her Guinevere, her pet name when they were dating. He hasn't used it since then, and using it now feels like they might finally be moving onto a new chapter.
"Listen, Arthur, about Merlin…"
"Is it true?" he says, grin fading.
"I… yes, I think so. It's just, the way he acts around you and looks at you… it seems so…"
"That's not evidence," Arthur reminds her, and there's a slight pause, like Gwen is trying to psych herself up to say something.
"There was a thing… erm, it was just after you and Mithian started going out, that night we met her for the first time in the pub. And you guys went home and we all stayed a bit but then Merlin got really hammered so I volunteered to drive him home. And he was sort of mumbling to himself, you know like he does when he's drunk, and then he…"
Gwen takes a breath. Arthur is gripping the phone very tightly to his ear.
"Then he starting crying and slurring about how he loved you and it wasn't fair and he thought… I shouldn't be telling you this."
"Go on," Arthur says, knuckles white.
"He... he thought since me and you broke up that maybe something might happen but then you got with Mithian… and I don't know Arthur, he wasn't really talking sense, he could barely get the words out."
"Did you talk about it… later?"
"No," Gwen says. "I got him home to Hunith and the next day I sort of brought it up and tried to talk about it but it's clear he didn't remember anything. Not like he was lying to save face, like he really was drawing a blank. He really was insanely drunk. So we never talked about it."
Arthur nearly says 'you should have told me' but he sees why she couldn't so he bites his tongue.
"Arthur?" Gwen's voice is small. "I don't want to pry or anything, but if the other night was nothing to do with Merlin's… feelings… then what did happen?"
Arthur leans his forehead against the car window, watching his breath steam up the glass.
"I… I will tell you, at some point, but I just can't right now. Is that okay?"
"Yeah," Gwen says softly. "Is it… should I be worried?"
Arthur closes his eyes.
"Just… just look after Merlin okay? Any way you can."
"Of course," Gwen says. "Are you coming back to school?"
"Not today." Arthur says. "But I'll be in tomorrow. And I might need some advice, okay?"
"Okay," Gwen says. "Come find me."
He says goodbye and hangs up, then abruptly grabs his keys and gets out of the car.
It's warm for April but it rained all night so the grass is wet, he can feel his trainers sink into the muddy ground as he walks across the field.
He walks aimlessly, climbing over gates and scaling dry stone walls, enjoying the drawn out expanse of fields around him. There's not a soul in sight and it's what he needs right now.
When he finally heads back to the car he takes a couple of wrong turns but eventually makes it back. The sky is beginning to darken and he fires off a quick text to his father to tell him he won't make it back in time for dinner. He'll get in trouble for that later but he doesn't care.
He throws his phone on the passenger seat and then picks it up again, tapping out a message to Merlin.
'I know you're not speaking to me but you're still my best friend and I'm not going anywhere. So that's that.'
Then he starts the car and heads for home.