OH MA GAWD! AFTER LIKE 3 YEARS THERE'S FINALLY AN UPDATE... yeah... sorry about that... I've got a crazy editor/illustrator with an anger management problem so I probably will be forced to finish this story. Weeeeeeeee ^_^

DISCLAIMER:Do not own any Legend of Zelda characters they all belong to Shigeru Miyamoto and other people who made the game. YAY!

Last time our retarded heroes were separated when being chased by skeleton people. Then Sage and Linda found Link. Now they're trying to find Steph and Cheyenne while also accompanying Link to the castle! Now let's see what happens when we put a scorpion in Links' pants!

"But I'm not wearing any pants…"

Links' companions give him an awkward look. "What a coincidence, me neither!" Linda replied. Navi rolled her eyes then turned to Link. "What exactly are you talking about?"

He stared at her blankly "… I don't know anymore."

"Link, you're going to be a good father." Linda commented.

"I hope so, for his children's sake." Sage said.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Navi asked Linda.

"I didn't say it had to deal with anything, I was just saying."

Navi flew ahead of the group, "Because you two are annoying I'm going to skip over to a more important matter! We're in front of the castle drawbridge!" Sage and Linda look at Navi irritably.

"This once again proves that Navi only points out the obvious and is in no way useful." Linda stated while picking her nails.

"Let's eat her." Sage suggested.

"Nah, too many carbs."

"You care?"

". . . Touché rat, touché."

"You two may be the stupidest animals I've ever had the misfortune of meeting!" Navi screamed.

"Hey, it's because of me that we got to the drawbridge before nightfall!" Linda argued.

"It's also because of you that we were almost killed in the process." Sage stated

"Now that's just being dramatic."

"Is it, really?" Navi flew around Linda's head angrily.

Link tries to find a way to calm down his newly found friends "Well, look at the bright side, at least the sun is still up and we can get to the castle quicker." They all pause.

"Just because you said that the sun is gonna go down." Sage said.

"What makes you say that?" Link asked.

Just then, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, the sun goes down and the drawbridge is pulled up!

"Damn it Navi, look what you did!" Sage yelled.

"What'd I do?" She asked.

"You jinxed us!"

"What are you-"

"Calm down you two, we need to find shelter before those monsters come out." Link interrupted.

"Now that I think about it, we could've jumped onto the bridge while it was being pulled up instead of just watching it like fat kids waiting for a cake shop to open." Linda pointed out. The group was silent for a few minutes.

"I hate my life. . ." Navi said.

"I hate your life too." Sage replied.

"I hate the fact that my tail is larger than both of my legs." Linda commented, staring at said tail and legs.

Link looks over at Linda and nods in agreement "Yeah, your tail is bigger than your legs."

Linda looks up at Link with shining eyes "Link, don't you see, we were meant for each other!"

"What?" Link asked, confused.

"Linda, shut up." Sage said.

"If the sun doesn't come up in two minutes somebody's going to get hurt! I guarantee you that somebody will be the authoress!" Navi yelled, glaring at me like she knows me!

FINE! Damn fairy… and then the sun came up and the drawbridge came back down so our heroes could walk their happy asses across… Navisucks…

"What a wonderful turn of events! Let's go see the princess!" Navi said excitedly. The group heads into the market. Link and Navi were enjoying the busy scenery while the other two were looking out for that crazy chef guy. There was suddenly a cry for help!

"Somebody help me, please!" a middle-aged woman with an irritating voice and ridiculously crazy hair said.

"If I didn't know any better, I would've thought the authoress was describing an older version of you Linda." Sage said. "She could be, you never know."

"What's wrong, ma'am?" Link asked the lady. She looks down at him with a distressed look. "You see little boy, I was walking home just a few minutes ago when I noticed one of the buttons on my shirt was missing," Everyone gasps, "yes, and I'm afraid it's one of the more important buttons too. See!" She points to the area where the button is missing. The group was quick to cover their eyes but when they noticed a huge amount of crazy chest hair covering the open area they weren't sure to be afraid or relieved. Needless to say it was a little bit of both and bewilderment…. And disgust.

"Have you ever considered shaving?" Linda asked.

The woman glares at Link "Why, I never!" She huffs, slapping him across the face. He rubs his cheek "What was that for?" he asked. "I should've asked for someone else's help!" Saying as she storms off.

"Gee, what'd you do to make her angry?" Linda asked. "Beats me." Link replied. Sage and Navi glare at Linda and she just gives them a nervous smile.

"Are you ok?" A little red headed girl asked. The group looks at her and Link nods.

"Hello, my name is Malon, what's yours?"

"Li-"

"Wow, you have a fairy! That's amazing! you must be from the forest! Hey, can you go get my dad from the castle? I can tell you're headed that direction anyway! He probably fell asleep somewhere. He's a heavy sleeper so I'll let you use this cuccoo!" She throws him a cuccoo egg. Link fumbles with the egg and almost drops it until Navi helps steady the egg in his hands.

"But it hasn't even hatched yet." Navi pointed out.

"Oh wow! Amazing! It can talk! That's super amazing fairy boy!"

"Not really." Sage and Linda said in unison.

"Oh, you have pets! Amazing! I have many pets back at our ranch; it's called Lon Lon Ranch, amazing right? But these wild animals are ones we normally kill because they get into our valuables! But you are a very amazingly skilled pet owner if you can train wild rodents such as these! Training wild animals must be a tough job huh? Wow, you don't talk much fairy boy! Well, if you see my dad tell him I'm waiting for him! Bye!" She turns around and starts singing a song to herself while completely ignoring our friends standing right behind her. "She reminds me of the cheerleaders from our high school; always using their mouths, but chooses to ignore the less popular people." Sage said.

"That's not true, she noticed us." Linda pointed out.

"Linda, she called us wild animals. " Sage argued.

"And rodents! Don't forget rodents!" Navi chimed, trying to hide her laughter. Sage and Linda ignore Navi and look over at Link, waiting for his next orders.

"What?" Link asks.

"That's what we're wondering, fairy boy," Linda teased," what are we doing next?"

"Well of course we have to head towards the castle and meet Princess Zelda, and I guess look for Malons' dad while we're there."

"Yeah, we get that, but what about our friends?"

Link thought about it for a while, "Well, you said one of your friends was at the castle; why not go after her first and worry about the other two when we come back to the market?"

"I agree, and let's not forget the possibility that the other two went back to the castle when you guys were separated." Navi stated.

"That's true." Linda agreed.

"Then let's get going!" Sage cheered.

Our quartet headed down the dirt road that leads to the castle gates. Link was about to negotiate with the guard to open the gate, but Sage and Linda pointed out the vines on the small cliff that he could climb up. Several failed attempts and small bruises later, Link finally managed to climb the vines onto the cliff. Sage and Linda lead them passed the ferocious security, and when I say "ferocious" I mean "needs to go to the gym because they redefine what it means to be thin and lanky" ferocious. It's no wonder Ganondorf was able to take over Hyrule castle so easily! They were asking for it!

Anyway, when they get passed the small security in the field, they run into another cliff, but fortunately for Link, there's a steel ladder instead of vines. Nine more bruises later, they're swimming in a moat and occasionally getting their hands on a rupee or two.

As our heroes lift themselves out of the moat and come closer to some crates labeled "milk", Link notices a strange figure sleeping in front of a crate. Link goes closer to the figure only to be punched in the face.

"OH MY GOD!" The three girls screamed as Link falls to the floor unconscious.

The girls look over at the culprit with bewilderment. A six foot, burly man wearing blue overalls and a skin tight, red shirt stands up from his sleeping position. He had dark circles around his eyes showing that he wasn't well rested. There was food crumbs in his beard, his hair was unkempt, and the chest hair poking over his overalls were almost as crazy as the lady they ran into earlier. Just the sight of him made our small zeroes tremble in fear.

"WHERE'S THE BEEF!" His husky voice demanded.

"You live on a ranch; there should be plenty of beef there!" Linda cried.

"What the hell? I don't remember Talon looking like this!" Sage screamed.

The burly man starts swinging his arms wildly while doing some kind of war cry so the three girls dive under Links' unconscious body.

"I feel safe already." Linda says, holding onto Links' tunic while taking a big whiff of him.

"Ugh! Don't use this situation as an excuse to fondle Link you pervert!" Sage screamed.

"You idiots now's not the time to be arguing!" Navi cried while shaking uncontrollably.

The burly man starts stomping his feet, causing the ground around him to shake. Linda remembers the cuccoo egg and feels around Links' pockets for it.

"I told you to stop fondling Link! I mean he's ten and unconscious for crying out loud!" Sage yelled.

"I just got an idea! This may be our only chance for survival!" Linda said, pulling the egg out and raising it to the sky while the opened chest song plays in the background.

"That's just a stupid egg." Navi replied.

"Yeah, but I think I know where she's going with this!" Sage said grabbing the egg, chucking it at the gorilla man and hitting him square in the face.

"You're throwing arm is pretty amazing for a five-inch tall RAT." Navi commented.

"Yeah and I hope your get away plan is just as good." Sage retorted.

"What do you mea-"Before she could finish, Sage and Linda push her out from under Link just as the muscular man finished wiping egg off his face. He spots Navi and assumes she's the one that threw the egg at him.

"AAAAAUGH! MY NAME IS TALON, RULER OF THE LON LON RANCH TRIBE! FOR AS LONG AS I'VE LIVED NO MAN HAS DARED TO CHALLENGE ME, TALON, TO A LIFE OR DEATH MATCH! FOR YOU TO HAVE THROWN SOMETHING AS INSIGNIFICANT AS AN EGG DIRECTLY AT MY, TALON'S, FACE IS A SIGN OF DISRESPECT! NOW FACE THE CONSEQUENCES AND MY, TALON'S, WRATH AS I DIP YOU IN COTTAGE CHEESE AND MAKE YOU DRINK CATEPILLAR PISS!"

"What the fu-"

"AAAAH! SOMEBODY SAVE ME!" Navi screams as monster man Talon chases after her. Sage and Linda climb out from underneath Link and watch as Talon chases Navi out of Hyrule castle field and into the market.

"I kind of feel bad for her. I know she's a pain in the ass and all, but I mean, that was a low blow." Sage said.

"Aw, don't worry about it! She'll most likely get us back in the near future and we'll be even!" Linda said while waving off the subject.

"Well, all right, but when we end up bound and gagged in a hole full of hungry cockroaches I don't want to hear you crying."

"No problem!"

The two friends notice Link starting to regain consciousness and appear next to him. He slowly opens his eyes, but scrunches his face when the pain from getting punched in the nose comes over him. He groans while pinching his nose and lifting himself up to a sitting position.

"I feel like I got hit by a carriage. What happened to me?" Link asked.

"Malons' barbaric dad, Talon, punched you." Sage replied.

"Why?"

"You had a bug on your face."

". . . Oh, okay."

Linda looks at Link with disbelief "Are you serious? You, I mean, you're actually going to believe that?"

Link slowly lifts himself off the ground "Sounds reasonable enough to me."

"It's a good thing you're cute."

"Thanks, I think you're cute too." Link says while petting Linda on the head.

"All my girlish fantasies are this close to becoming true."

"What exactly would a raccoon fantasize about?" Link asked while scratching Linda's ears.

"Trust me Link, nothing good. Now let's go see the princess!" Sage said.

They moved the milk crates in place, hopped across the strange moat thing, and crawled through the little square hole in the wall. When they got to the other side they were in the castle garden. The group looked at the garden in awe. There seemed to be no flaws in the scenery; the grass was greener then any grass they've ever seen, the trees and bushes were trimmed to perfection, and the hobo sitting in the corner to their right was picture-perfect.

"Geez, how many crazy people is the authoress going to make us meet?" Sage screamed.

The hobo was of course in tattered clothes and smelled like road kill and heavy liquor. When he saw our heroes he slowly lifted himself off the ground and staggered towards them. Halfway through his journey he needed to use the wall for support.

"Trespassing *hic* is no good for you *hic*" He said, pointing a wobbly finger at the gang.

The group exchanges looks at each other and shrug. They ignore the drunken hobo and start walking into the garden. They start to hear oncoming footsteps and turn around to see the hobo stumbling towards them. They stand and watch as he fumbles over a stone then continues on. As he gets closer they step aside and watch him walk crookedly towards two guards.

"*hic* don't I know your wife? I *hic* used to date her when we were like *hic* babies!" the hobo said while putting an arm around one of the soldiers shoulder and leaning on him. The two soldiers look at each other and shrug. There's a loud whistle in the distance and a whole swarm of soldiers come and dog pile the drunken hobo. Our heroes take this opportunity to run through the empty maze while the soldiers are distracted.

"I love your wife!" the hobo shouted as he was being pummeled to a bloody pulp by twenty or so soldiers.

"How lucky are we that a drunk guy decided to be here today?" Linda asked as they were running through the empty garden maze.

"What I want to know is how he got in here." Sage said.

Link came to a stop which caused Sage and Linda to abruptly stop and fall on their faces. They both got up and looked at Link with irritated faces.

"What was that for?" They demanded.

"Where's Navi?" Link asked curiously.

"What, did you finally notice the air was a little less annoying?" Linda asked.

"She got scared of Talon and said she'd wait for us in the market." Sage said.

"Oh, okay. I wish she would've said something before she left though."

Sage and Linda glance at each other, "Yeah..."

"Hm, oh well I guess." Link shrugs and continues on.

The group comes to the part of the garden where you would normally find Zelda spying on Ganondorf through the window like some peeping tom. This time around you have Zelda and Kayla sitting on the cement steps talking like idiots together. As the trio draws closer Zelda's attention is drawn to them. Her expression goes from a happy one to a curious one as she stands up.

"Who are you? How did you get passed the guards?"

"Um. . . My name is Link, and these two are-" Link motions to the floor, but Sage and Linda weren't there. He looks around then turns back to Zelda, "Well, there were two animals with me; a raccoon and a rat. They probably just got scared or something and hid."

"Did you say a raccoon and a rat?" Kayla asked as she stood up. Link nods and she scans the area, seeing if it might be her friends. In a small patch of flowers she sees a raccoon tail pop up and motion for her to go over.

"My name is Zelda, I am the princess of Hyrule. This," she motions to Kayla ", is my new acquaintance, Kayla." Link bows his head to both of them.

"Well it seems like you two have plenty of important things to discuss so if you'll excuse me, I'll just be over there." The princess nods her off and Kayla walks over to the patch of flowers.

Sage and Linda pop their head out of the flowers as Kayla sits down in the grass.

"Where's Cheyenne and Stephanie?" She whispered.

"We got separated when we were in Hyrule field." Sage said.

"How'd you get separated?"

"Eh, long story, dead things and shit, that's all you need to know."

". . . Okay."

"We came to get you out of here before you're hanged. So while Link is distracting Zelda let's get the hell out of here." Linda said as she tugs on Kayla's dress.

"Um… Well, you see, the thing is-"

"You changed your mind, didn't you?" Sage said dully.

Kayla shifted around nervously and nodded; Sage and Linda sigh in annoyance.

"It's not like I don't have a good reason to stay. Do you honestly think I'd stay here knowing I'm possibly going to die?"

Sage and Linda nod.

"Oh you both can go straight to hell."

"Come on Kayla, no one in their right mind would stay in a place where their death was certain." Linda said. Sage nodded in agreement.

Kayla groans, "If I were to disappear it would cause a lot of trouble for Zelda. She's been under a lot of pressure lately because of some guy named Ganondorf. She told me that I'm the only who she can really talk to besides her nanny, Impa. I'd feel bad if I just left her like that."

"What if you were to be hung tomorrow?" Sage asked.

"Zelda's going to try to convince her father otherwise." Kayla remarked.

"And if she fails?" Linda asked.

"We can't stay here Kayla, we have to go find Cheyenne and Stephanie." Sage pointed out.

"That's fine." Kayla said while nodding in understanding.

"We also might help Link on his journey to find the spiritual kidney stones." Sage said.

"What?"

They hear Zelda persuade Link to look into the window of the castle and continue talking.

"What'll you do if there's that off chance that you might be hung while we're gone?" Linda asked.

Kayla thinks for a minute and sighs, "I really believe Princess Zelda will help me as much as possible. If anything were to happen to me while you guys were away, well, I don't know."

The three of them are silent for a minute.

"Kayla, you can be sort of a dumbass some times." Sage stated.

"Yeah really, who would actually want to stay with the she-demon?" Linda questioned.

"She-demon?" Kayla asked.

"If you don't know then never mind." Linda said with a dull tone.

They hear the faint sound of feet landing on the floor and look towards the entrance of the small area. A white haired woman clad in tight blue spandex and a white corset thing was standing there with her arms folded over each other. They begin to hear footsteps behind them and look over to see Link heading towards them. Kayla stands up and bows her head to Link and he returns the gesture.

Link notices Sage and Linda in the grass and motions for them to follow him to the exit. The two of them look over and give Kayla one last questioning glance while she just smiles and waves good-bye. They glance at each other before following Link to the exit. Link stops and learns "Zelda's Lullaby" from the white haired woman (who we all know is Impa so there's no real reason to keep up this charade) and she leads our heroes out in front of the castle drawbridge.

"In that direction you'll find Kakariko village. You might find more information about the spiritual stones there. That place was also where my fellow Sheikah resided. I wish you good luck on your journey." Impa looked down at Sage and Linda. She gives them a displeased look before bringing out a deku nut and flashing herself away.

"How'd she do that?" Link asked with wide curious eyes.

"She's the she-demon's witch slave." Linda said.

"She-demon? Witch slave?" Link questioned while looking at Sage, hoping she would understand what Linda was saying.

Sage sighs, "Zelda, she-demon. Impa, witch slave."

Link seemed surprised, "But Zelda's really nice and pretty. There's no way she can be a demon of some sort."

"That's what she wants you to think." Linda said with a smirk.

"Why do you think we hid when we saw her?" Sage asked.

Link thought for a moment, "But… But how do you guys know?" he asked, almost afraid.

"Animal sense." They both said with a shrug.

Before the conversation could continue they begin to hear shouting from a distance. They look around and as the shouting gets closer Sage and Linda begin to dread what was causing the ruckus. They look towards the drawbridge and coming from Hyrule market was no one other than that prude Navi. Link looked happy to see Navi, but for Sage and Linda it was quite the opposite.

"WHAT THE HELL YOU GUYS! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A TEAM! UGH, YOU GUYS ARE SUCH DOUCHEBAGS! YOU JUST WAIT TILL I GET MY REVENGE ON YOU TWO, FATASS AND SMARTASS!" She shouted whilst flying angrily around their fury animal heads.

Sage and Linda feint a yawn "I'm sorry, did you say something?"

"WHY YOU-"

"Hold on Navi, what exactly did they do to you to make you so angry?" Link asked.

"THEY TRICKED THAT FAT GUY INTO CHASING ME OUT OF HYRULE CASTLE!"

"For good reason!" Linda said.

"WHAT!"

"If you didn't distract him we all would've died, you're a hero Navi! An annoying little son of a bitch, but a hero no less!" Sage cheered.

"OH DON'T GIVE ME THAT SHIT!"

"Fine, fine! I won't lie to you… I just think you're an annoying little son of a bitch." Sage confessed.

"And I agree." Linda said with a nod.

"All right you guys, that's enough," Link looks at Sage and Linda, "You two need to apologize for using Navi as bait without her permission and lying to me about it."

". . . We're sorry. . ." They both said in unison. They're all silent for a few minutes then Link looks at Navi.

"Navi..." Link said.

"Fine! I forgive you two dumbasses! Happy!"

Sage and Linda look unsatisfied.

"Oh you both can go straight to hell!"

"Why does everybody keep saying that?" Linda asks no one in particular.

"They're jealous." Sage replied.

"Fat chance at that! Morons!" Navi screamed.