A/N: I've mentioned this before, but I get married in just over a month and things are starting to get hectic. Updates may come farther in between for a little while, but I promise not to abandon Tris and Tobis! If you would like to follow so you get updates so you don't miss an update, please feel free. As always, thanks for reading!
7-Tris
I wake up with start. I'd been dreaming about being a child back in Abnegation with my parents. Caleb and I had gotten into a fight and he had stabbed me in the chest with a knife. The dream stirs different emotions up in me: anger at Caleb and a dreadful longing for my parents. I take a few deep breaths and let my eyes adjust to the dim light in the room.
My gaze falls on the window and dawn is just beginning. The sky is lit up with different shades of yellow, orange and red. Suddenly, I realize I've missed sunrises and sunsets. In the Dauntless compound, there aren't many windows which is a change from the Abnegation. I have many memories of sitting in front of my parent's living room window, watching the sun sink below the horizon.
I watch the sun make its way up over the horizon for a few minutes before looking away, blinking hard to readjust my eyes. I'll have a headache from staring at the bright light, but it's worth it. My eyes shift towards the foot of the bed and I jump, startled by a person sitting in a chair at the foot of the bed. Tobias. I can tell by his posture that he isn't sleeping. He is sitting too straight. He's looking out the window, seemingly lost in thought. Either he hasn't noticed I'm awake or he just hasn't acknowledged me yet.
His face is lit by the brilliant sunlight coming through the window. His expression looks like he is concentrating but his eyebrows are knit together slightly and the corners of his mouth are pulled down like he's worried or troubled. I wonder what he and Zeke talked about. I wanted desperately to hear their conversation, but I was exhausted and fell asleep before Tobias even left the room.
Zeke obviously values Tobias as a friend, though, even after the death of his brother. He showed up to support Tobias after all that had happened. I think of Will for a moment. Guilt still makes my heart ache. It aches for Will and it aches for Christina. What if she was beginning to have the same relationship with Will as Tobias and I? And I took that away from her. My eyes sting and I blink rapidly. I don't want to be an emotional mess today, not when it's very likely that Tobias will need me to hold him together depending on how his talk with Zeke went.
My gaze stays on him, wondering if he is stuck in the same thoughts that I have about Will. His face seems to grow more contrite as the seconds pass.
"Tobias," I call him gently, "what's wrong?" He jumps a little, startled by the sound of my voice. He shifts in the chair and looks at me for a few seconds. I'm waiting for him to deflect my question and turn the attention back to me as he usually does, uncomfortable about talking about his feelings. He's spent so long hiding his emotions-no doubt due to the years of abuse by Marcus-that he still struggles with being open sometimes.
"That seems to be the problem, Tris. There seems to be more things that are wrong then right, lately." he replies. His words don't sound mad; instead, they come out more like he is stating a fact. I can't help but wonder if he is talking about me or our relationship together, but before I can ask, he is on his feet and plants himself at the end of the bed.
"Zeke came by last night to talk to me. About Uriah. But also about what has been going on since we left the Bureau. We need to talk about some things, Tris. I think we'd better start going over everything that you can't remember and go from there." He seems to have braced himself for this moment. He is standing perfectly straight with his face void of any specific emotion. I would call him Four, but he has a gentler look in his eyes. I'm a little taken back by his abruptness; I've wanted to ask Tobias about my missing memories, but ever since his reaction when I asked him about Caleb and now combined with my reaction to the confirmation of Uriah's death last night, I hadn't planned on bringing it up for a while. I know that I should take advantage of this moment, but instead I blurt out, "Why now? I know that you promised me you would tell me, but you haven't seemed…" I struggle for the right word, "…willing to talk about it. Well, at least Caleb." I amend.
I'm expecting Tobias to have the same reaction as the day I regained consciousness. To my surprise, he doesn't bat an eyelid. "With all the changes surrounding the factions, we need to make some decisions, Tris. And I want to make them together." His face softens a little as he says it. I smile and gesture to the space next to me on the bed. "I'm ready to listen when you're ready to tell me." I say simply.
Tobias moves up next to me and we lay facing each other on the bed. He begins telling me everything starting from when he left the Bureau to head back to the factions, also known as Chicago, to talk to Evelyn and to find Zeke and his family. He tells me about how Evelyn chose to help end the war and how they had went to talk to Johanna and Marcus. He tells me in awe how Evelyn chose to help him without taking the memory serum and how he gave it to Peter instead.
Anger flares up in me when he tells me about Peter and I try to push it back down. Tobias pulls back from me slightly and studies my face. His hands had been idling playing with the ends of my hair that had fallen over my shoulder. "You're mad," he says. It's a statement, not a question. I nod my head, not meeting his eyes. It's a silly thing to do, because I know he is going to ask me why, when I really just want him to continue telling me what I'm missing.
Tobias doesn't disappoint. He nudges me gently, "Why?" He asks. His fingers are tracing my collarbone, right over the three ravens. His light touch gives me goose bumps. I shake my head slightly, "It's such a stupid reason, Tobias. I'm mad that Peter gets to start over and forget everything terrible that he's ever done. Things like what he did to me! And I have to live every day of my life remembering and reliving that moment or seeing it in my dreams! He should have to feel guilt about everything he has done and he should have to live with that every day of his life, too!" Anger is stewing inside me now, and I feel like I could scream. I know Tobias is thinking what I know in the back of my head: even though he tried to kill me once, he had saved my life, too. I rub my hands over my face, trying to shake off the thoughts of Peter.
When I lower them, Tobias is looking at me wearily, like I'm mad at him too. It occurs to me than that he probably thinks I'm mad that he gave the serum to Peter. "I'm not mad at you." I say, placing my hand on his arm. My words come out rough and I wince a little at the sound, but I'm consumed by the anger that is still lingering in me. "I know it irrational; probably just this stupid head injury." I say, trying to dismiss my uncontrolled emotions.
"I think you may be more mad then you would be if I had told you this if you didn't have a head injury," says Tobias. He is speaking slow and cautiously as if he's afraid of my reactions to his words, "but, you have every right to hate him. You have a right to be mad. I know I still do."
"Then why did you let him take it? Why not let him live with a little remorse?" I'm careful to leave as much anger out of my voice as I can manage. I'm not mad at Tobias, but genuinely curious. Tobias is generally not reckless. He is meticulous, methodical, and rational. I've only known him to make rash decisions in anger, usually ending with a fight so I know the decision to give Peter the memory serum wasn't done on a whim.
"I guess I figured if taking the memory serum made him into less of a pathetic excuse for a human being, then why not? Also, I never felt comfortable having him around you. And if he could forget that you ever even existed, then I don't have to worry about you walking through the halls at night by yourself." He answers.
I mull it over. There isn't any guarantee that Peter wouldn't continue to be an asshole to people. He could even attack someone else, but if it means I don't have to look over my shoulder every time I turn my back then it is an improvement.
"I guess I would rather deal with Peter in my dreams then in person." I sigh. Like it or not, Peter will always be a part of my life.
"And I would much rather fight off your bad dreams then Peter, again." Tobias says to me as he leans in and plants a light kiss on my forehead.
I smile back at him. "So after you talked to Johanna and Marcus, you came back to Bureau?" I'm eager to fill in some of my biggest gaps in my memory. Tobias, unsurprisingly, doesn't share my eagerness. He looks back at me, dread written all over his face. I reach out and touch his face, trying to encourage him. "I'm right here, Tobias. I'm fine. Just remember that."
At that, Tobias jerks away from me. "I would hardly call a gunshot wound and a head injury fine, Tris. You don't understand how I felt when I walked into the Bureau and was told you were shot. That you were dying! You don't understand how it feels to know that you deliberately held a gun against Caleb's head and literally walked to your death! You will never know how that feels!" He seethes.
I shrink back from him. Emotions are flooding through me. "Tobias, I-I d-don't-" I stutter through words as I try to tell him I don't know what he is talking about, but right as I do, it clicks together in my head. The gunpowder I smelled, the hallway, Caleb. Caleb, who was supposed to die. Me holding a gun to Caleb's head, David shooting me, and seeing my mother.
"I remember." I croak out. Tobias looks at me with an incredulous look, pulls me hard against him, and we are both sob into each other's arms.